One of Brendan’s friends was getting married in Mexico — a friend from college, not from the friend group he shares with his ex-wife. Meaning I was allowed to go as his plus one — lucky me! Miguel and Jasmine were also going so it turned into a couples vacation with a wedding event thrown in there. We booked rooms at a nicer resort (Brendan likes luxury, remember?) and we headed down there a day early to really take advantage.

“Who the fuck plans a wedding in Mexico in June?” Miguel complained when it was 90 degrees and humid when we landed.

I had packed almost exclusively bikinis so I was unbothered. And I knew Jasmine felt the same since we’d packed together on FaceTime.

“Honestly, thank God for them because I really needed a vacation,” Jasmine said.

Jasmine is allegedly a model, but I’ve literally never seen her work so it’s unclear what she needed a vacation from. But anyway, I was grateful for a getaway as well. We trekked through the maze of a property to get to our villa that we’d be sharing for the next few days. Obviously I shouldn’t be thinking of this, but when I used to stalk Brendan and his ex-wife on Instagram, they would always stay at places like this — places I could never imagine staying. Like a private villa steps from the beach with so many amenities we wouldn’t even have time to take advantage of them all. Like, it came with a private chef, a masseuse and a sauna.

We got to our room where Brendan immediately unpacked because he’s the kind of person who unpacks his bags completely before starting his vacation. Absolutely cannot relate. I sat my luggage down, pulled out fists and fists full of bikinis and dug through the pile until I found a matching one I liked. Time management + priorities.

Miguel and Jasmine met us down at the pool and they let us know that they’d already requested alcohol from the chef.

“I would kill to have your boobs,” Jasmine said to me.

I’m like excuse me, I would kill to have your entire body. Her modeling career may be questionable, but she sure has the body of a supermodel. But I appreciated her saying that because recently I’ve been seriously considering getting my boobs done. I’ve always had boobs too big for my body, but it was fine because they were really nice at least. But after turning 30, having a baby and losing weight, they just aren’t the same as they used to be. So I’d like to go in and have them wrangled back up to my chin to restore my youth.

I’ve always gotten the feeling that there is something…off about Miguel and Jasmine’s relationship. It’s weird. Miguel is always talking about how much he loves Jasmine and says stuff like, “Hold on, I need to check in with my baby,” while we are at happy hour. Then they’ll be all mushy gushy on the phone and he promises he’s behaving. And then he blatantly doesn’t behave and starts chatting up random girls at whatever bar we’re at. Miguel is first and foremost, very hot, but he’s also really flirty and makes super sexual eye contact. Even with me so I figured it was harmless. This one time, he attracted some young hottie to our high top and I watched him sweet talk her until she was practically salivating. And at this point he had an arm around her waist like he owned her. So according to girl code, I should’ve immediately gone back to Jasmine and let her know exactly what I witnessed and provided receipts and evidence. But Jasmine does the same thing. There’s her gross drug dealers who she loves to meet up with while we are out. I’m convinced she is sleeping with one of them by the way they interact — how they look at each other and how he feels comfortable touching her wherever he wants. The way Miguel and Jasmine talk about each other is kind of weird too. They talk about each other like they are reading from a script or they preplanned what they want to say about each other to other people. And Jasmine never complains about Miguel which is just unheard of. I’m sure there is plenty to complain about! So I’m like, you know what, I’m going to mind my business for once. I didn’t even talk to Brendan about it and assumed that they have some sort of open relationship or something.

So anyway, we all got in a cabana with our margaritas and I watched as Jasmine laid back and splayed her legs open like she was giving birth and Miguel crawled between her legs and rested his head on her stomach. I’m like, this is weird, trying to have a conversation with Miguel with Jasmine’s boobs on his head. During this trip, I also realized that they’re the kind of couple who needs to be touching each other and loved up at all time — even if it’s uncomfortable — which I love for them and hate for me. We sat around all afternoon and drank before dinner at a restaurant on the property. Miguel and Jasmine talked a little bit about their upcoming wedding (November in Puerto Rico), but neither of them are helping plan it and are mostly just excited for a Puerto Rico trip and for it to be over.

“And once the wedding is over, you can put a baby in here,” Jasmine cooed, rubbing the side of Miguel’s face.

First of all, ew. But another thing that is weird about their relationship and really bothers me about Jasmine, is that she is always doing this performative having-a-baby talk in front of Miguel/other people, but she’s told me on numerous occasions that she doesn’t really want kids. She will ask me specific questions about being pregnant and giving birth and then when I answer them she acts overly horrified and disgusted and swears she’s definitely never having a baby. And I completely get being apprehensive about it and everything — having a baby is a big life change — but then she’s always going out of her way to bring up how excited she is to get pregnant to Miguel while they are in front of people. Just don’t say anything at all! I guess it just reminds me of Brendan’s ex-wife lying about being off birth control and it feels deceitful.

We went back upstairs to get dressed and freshen up for dinner. Jasmine came to our bathroom to get ready with me and said, “Ugh, I need an Adderall before dinner. Do you need one?”

“Uh, no,” I said. One thing I will never do is take prescription medication without a prescription. It’s just so not me!

So she called Miguel to bring Adderall to her. They did this all throughout the vacation — popping Adderall like mints. Brendan and I were like, uh no thanks, we don’t need Adderall to function while on vacation. No offense.

The next morning, Brendan and I woke up bright and early to FaceTime Winnie, who was sitting on the couch with unbrushed hair eating dried mango. I gave her a little mini tour of our suite in the villa, but mostly wanted to show her the view from the balcony which overlooked the pool and the ocean.

“Oooo,” Winnie murmured, impressed, which I loved because I had a beach vacation planned for us the following long weekend.

After we hung up with Winnie, Brendan and I headed back down to the pool. Honestly it was nice to have a little alone time after spending the day with Miguel and Jasmine the day before. They were a lot. And alone time just meant Brendan telling me how “incredibly hot” I looked in my swimsuit so maybe that’s all I needed.

Eventually Miguel came down to the pool without Jasmine, who he said couldn’t get out of bed. Brendan and Miguel got to talking about work and mentioned how Gigi had recommended her sister for a role at the company. Gigi works closely with Miguel and she does a good job communicating and actually finishing things, but hiring her sister? Isn’t that some sort of HR violation?

“I feel like that’s a bad idea,” I said.

Miguel was like, “What? But Gigi does such amazing work, we definitely need two of her.”

Of course he made it sound sexual. I’m like, “Okay do whatever you want, but don’t be surprised if this blows up in your face.”

The wedding was later that night at a nearby resort. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but I always cry at weddings, no matter who the bride and groom is. I just love love, I guess! I also cry about everything.

The reception was outside under a tent with string lights and lanterns and pampas grass everywhere. It would’ve been chic if it weren’t so fucking hot! After dinner, I didn’t even want to dance and I always dance. The drinks were good at least so that kept me going. I enjoyed meeting Brendan’s college friends who are exactly how you’d expect: slightly fratty with fancy haircuts, exposed ankles, Gucci everything. They were all perfectly pleasant and didn’t treat me like a mistress bimbo (or whatever Lala and Raquel/Rachel called each other) which is always my biggest fear. I’m literally not, but you know how people are.

I let Brendan mingle with his friends and sat down with Miguel and Jasmine. There were a zillion empty chairs but Jasmine was sitting on Miguel’s lap and playing with his hair so you know I was annoyed by that. By this point we were all a little bit sloshed and loosey goosey from all the drinks.

“Ugh, I just want to get into some trouble while on vacation,” Jasmine was pouting.

“By doing what?” I wanted to know. Y’all know I love to get in trouble, especially at someone else’s wedding!

Jasmine explained that there was a girl dancing behind me (“Do not turn around and look!”) who was the ex of someone’s friend or something and she and Miguel had always been attracted to her so they wanted to know if she wanted to spend the night with them.

“I think it might be weird,” Miguel said.

I immediately spun around to find a cute little brunette dancing alone with a glass of champagne. Queen. I’m like, OH. They’re that couple. The “we saw you from across the bar and really dig your vibe” couple. That made total sense to me.

“Oh my gawddd, who cares? Just ask!” I blabbed.

“I know, that’s what I said!” Jasmine said then turned to Miguel and started baby-talking. “I promise I won’t be weird about it, baby.”

“I’m mostly just offended that no one asked me to spend the night with them,” I said, kind of joking but kind of not.

Miguel turned to me with a serious look. “You’re not my type.”

Oh? Excuse me? What was that supposed to mean? What about me is not his type? I’m everyone’s type!

“Do you really think Brendan would let you stay the night with us?” Jasmine teased, to deflect.

It’s like, of course he wouldn’t allow me to have a threesome with his hot employee and his fiancé — that would be absurd! Which makes the “not my type” comment that much more unnecessary. I was so offended.

The next morning, Brendan and I woke up in bed and he started pushing his boner against me, you know, trying to get some.

“OH MY GOD,” I exclaimed, suddenly remembering. I turned around to face him and said, “Did you know Miguel and Jasmine are swingers?”

Brendan then started dying laughing, for no apparent reason that I could understand. He was laughing like this was truly the most hilarious thing he’d ever heard. I know I’m funny but this was a lot. I’m like, no seriously they are and they tried to recruit a cute drunk girl last night and she might even be here at the villa!

“Yeah, I know,” Brendan said once he’d calmed down. “I think they’ve always been fairly open.”

While all of this was adding up and explained everything, I don’t understand how it didn’t come up sooner. Jasmine never mentioned it to me? Not that it’s a big deal and it doesn’t even matter, but it caught me off guard. And maybe I’m thinking too much into this, but why is Miguel always flirting with me and eye fucking me if I’m nOt HiS tYpE? He’s not exactly my type either, but you don’t see me broadcasting it everywhere.