Okay, so I caved. I reached out to Devin. I really didn’t want to, but I was dying for more information and he doesn’t have Instagram and I don’t have Facebook so what else was I supposed to do? I found some old number of his, unblocked him, texted, “Heard you’re engaged!!!” then turned my phone on its face so I wouldn’t sit there staring at it.

Literally ten seconds later, my phone rang. It was an unsaved Los Angeles number.

“Reese [Brady’s last name],” I answered professionally since it was during the workday.

“Hey.” It was Devin. Hearing his voice kind of made it feel like my lunch was going to come back up.

“Oh, hey,” I said back casually. “What’s up?”

“Surprised to hear from you. Figured I was blocked,” he said.

“You were,” I admitted. “But I haven’t done anything charitable in a few months so I figured why not.”

Devin laughed. “I guess I lucked out then. It’s so good to hear your voice.”

“Mmhm. So? You’re getting married?”

“Yup, you heard correctly. How did you find out?”

“That is truly shocking.” Somehow, Devin confirming the news made me stop everything I was doing. I needed to fully digest this information.

“Is it?”

“I never thought you’d get married. Like ever,” I said.

“And why is that?”

“Because you have major commitment and monogamy issues. Quite frankly I don’t think you’re capable of either one.”

Devin laughed again. “Ouch. You know I’m not like that anymore. I’ve changed.”

So naturally I wanted to know everything about this girl and why he was able to change for her, but not me. I needed to know her name, her age and where she’s from. I also wanted to know what she does for a living, how they met and how long they’ve been together.

“It’s been,” Devin paused to think. “Almost four years I think.”

“Four years!?” I exclaimed. I figured they’d been together for way less time, like less than a year. I figured it wasn’t *actually* serious and wouldn’t even last. But four years is a long time. Wow.

There was a bit of background rustling, like he was moving around, and then Devin came back. The background was quiet, like he’d gone into the bathroom or something for privacy. “Yeah. It was casual at first, but things got serious. We decided we didn’t want to see other people.”

“I guess she must be really special then. I can’t imagine you not wanting to see other people.”

“Are you jealous?”

“I mean, kind of. That’s all I ever wanted from you, but you were physically incapable of keeping your dick in your pants so…”

He chuckled. “But you’re the only one I was in love with. Those other girls didn’t matter. I was just having fun.”

“That doesn’t make me feel better, you know. That’s like saying, ‘I know I killed a ton of people, but I was having fun.’”

“God, I miss you,” Devin said.

He’s so smooth, slipping that in there like that. Luckily though, it has no effect on me now. Suddenly, I had a thought.

“Is she pregnant? Is that why you’re rushing to get married?”

Devin laughed like this was completely hilarious and absurd. “What the fuck? No, she’s not pregnant. I don’t want kids. I’ve never wanted kids. Unless it was with you, but—”

“Well, that will obviously never happen. And I have a daughter now.”

He got really quiet. “You do?”

“Mmhm. She just turned a year old.”

“Damn. By who?”

“Uh, my boyfriend.” I’d completely forgotten that I was going to pretend to be married already. “Who I’ve been with forever.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah, so…”

Neither of us said anything for several seconds and then Devin said, “Sorry, that caught me off guard.”

And it’s like, we haven’t talked in years, what did he expect? Did he think I’d be sitting around not living my life in case he wanted back in my life?

“Well, I’d better get going. I’m working and I’m sure you have a wedding to be planning,” I said.

“Yeah. Yeah, you are correct. Let’s stay in touch, beautiful.”

And I hung up right there because stop. You’re engaged and I’m pre-engaged so stop calling me beautiful and pretending anything could or would ever happen with us anymore.

Speaking of pre-engaged, the day after my freak out, Brady was so nice to me. He always does that; we get into a fight and then he just wants it to be over so he goes out of his way to be extra nice to me.

He brought me lunch to my little makeshift home office and had all these questions about work and what projects I’m currently working on. I was still reeling from my conversation with Devin and I needed some time alone so I was vague and pretended to be super busy.

I realized that I’ve been perfectly happy not being engaged or married the past few months/years. I haven’t even really thought about marriage at all. I’d decided to stop bringing it up because if Brady wants to get married then he’ll ask me. So I was definitely embarrassed about how I’d acted over the weekend.

Devin texted me in the afternoon saying, “Can we FaceTime later? I want to see you.”

No. But I sent a picture since he wanted to see me so bad. It was of me and Winnie taken by my mom on my birthday. Obviously the only good picture I’ve taken in the last year.

“Fuck. You’re so beautiful. So is she,” Devin replied.

Brady cooked dinner and we all sat down and ate together. One thing that is really bugging me is that despite spending all day during the week with me, Winnie just prefers Brady. When we’re all home together she wants nothing to do with me and cries if I try to pick her up or feed her or anything. And she clings on to his legs and follows him around the house.

I suspect it’s because Brady gives in to everything she asks for. One night she refused to go to bed because she wanted more sweets so Brady let her stay up and eat cake and ice cream! Obviously she was up all night with a stomachache so he should’ve just made her go to bed in the first place. I never thought I’d be the strict/reasonable parent out of the two of us.

After dinner, Brady finished up work and I fought with the baby to get her to sleep. I mean, literally fought. I have wounds to show for it. When she was finally asleep, I left the room and Brady was waiting outside the door.

“Is she asleep?” he asked.

“Yeah, finally. She’s a terrorist.”

“Aww.” Brady pulled me into a hug. “You’re such a good mommy.”

Ew. I can really do without Brady calling me “mommy.”

Later, we were fooling around on the couch. My phone rang, loud, on the coffee table. I’d turned it off silent to watch Instagram stories earlier in the evening.

“Do you need to get that?” Brady, on top of me, asked.

“No.” I assumed it was Devin, who can’t take no for an answer. And it was 9PM — 6 on the west coast —so not a completely inappropriate time.

But later when we were going to bed, I saw that it was actually Brendan who had called me. What would he need from me at 9PM? That is an inappropriate time. He didn’t leave a message and I wondered if there was an emergency? But I was too afraid of what he might’ve actually wanted and I didn’t call or text back. And I haven’t heard anything from him since. I swear, friendship with him is so weird.

Hey y’all.

A few weeks ago while I was casually tapping through stories and scrolling my feed on Instagram, I saw that Nick, my old fling from Chicago, got engaged. To that cute girl he has been dating, the one I met out at a bar. I was super surprised, considering the last time I was in Chicago, he tried very hard to hang out with me. But like, whatever. Nick is such a nice guy.

I messaged him to say congratulations and he replied, “Hey, thanks! 😉” and we proceeded to have a four hour conversation over Instagram message. I wasn’t really jealous or anything like that; I figured it would happen eventually. And I told him the truth — that he deserves to be happy, which made me feel bad because of what happened with us. Truthfully, I had no business even trying to date anyone when I still had feelings for Brady.

And then over the weekend, Preston sent me a weird text that said, “Devin is engaged.”

Y’all remember Devin, my awful ex from college? I have plenty of gross and traumatizing stories about him in the archives if you want to read.

“How do you know?” I texted back.

Preston sent me a screenshot from Facebook: Devin looking just as good as I remember with his arm around a cute brunette. The caption said, “Your boy is getting married! 🥂”

Oh fucking really?

I spent the next fifteen minutes studying the photo: the setting (it looked like a fabulous and modern high rise apartment), the girl (a rather plain brunette with pretty blue eyes and big pouty lips), their outfits (he wore skinny jeans that left very little to the imagination and she was in fucking leggings and one of those hideous tie dye hoodies the kids are wearing these days), what I could make out of the ring (the picture was too far away to see if it was even nice). Inside me, a weird feeling was brewing. I wasn’t sure if I was shocked or upset or if I cared at all.

I forwarded the picture to Kendra and seconds later, she FaceTimed me.

“Girl!” she exclaimed. “He’s engaged?!”

Luckily, I had locked myself in the closet for privacy.

“I know! It doesn’t make any sense!”

Devin is the last person I ever thought would get married. He can’t even commit to dinner plans. I minimized Kendra so I could study the picture some more. Devin looked seriously good, like he’s been spending the last several months working out and drinking plenty of water. He’s always been unnecessarily gorgeous, but he’s definitely aging gracefully.

“How do you feel?” she asked.

And then, for no reason at all, I burst into tears.

“Oh, Reese,” Kendra sighed sympathetically. “I’m sorry. I know it’s hard to see this.”

“No, no it’s not that,” I blubbered like a fucking idiot. “It’s just so weird.”

“I know. But he’s such a loser, Reese. I hope that poor girl knows what she’s getting into.”

“Yeah, I know. Such a loser.”

I was crying over my ex who I was with ten years ago so really, who was the loser? But it just didn’t make sense. I thought Devin would play women until the day he died. I can’t believe he got engaged before me.

So naturally, I started reevaluating my life. How is it possible that Devin, the biggest player on earth, who refuses to be tied down, has a fiancée? He’s engaged? He proposed to some plain Jane LA girl who wears tie dye?

Is something wrong with me? Does she have something I don’t? I know this is a destructive way to think, but I can’t help it.

Then I got (irrationally?) mad at Brady. How is that we can be together for so long, have a baby and buy a house together, but he doesn’t think I’m good enough to marry? I’m not sure if I’m being completely crazy about the whole thing because he did make suggestions of marriage a few times, but it’s not the same. It’s not the same as, “I think you are amazing, I am in love with you and want to spend the rest of my life with you.” He’s never really said that or shown that.

So I confronted him. He was sitting on the couch watching TV while Winnie napped next to him.

“You okay?” he asked, clearly noticing that I’d been crying.

“Not really.”

“What’s going on?”

“I just think it’s really weird that you haven’t proposed to me.”

A completely blank look took over Brady’s face so I continued.

“Why is it so hard for you? We have a baby and a house, but for some reason you’re scared to actually commit to me which is stupid because a baby is an even bigger commitment. It makes zero sense,” I said.

Brady just sat there blinking like this was out of left field and he was at a loss for words. But surely he understands my frustration. It’s not the first time I’ve brought something like this up.

“I’m not scared,” he said, turning back to the TV.

“Then what is it? Do you not actually like me? Because half the time it seems that way.”

“Can you please not do this right now? You’ll wake the baby,” Brady said.

Seriously? He is such an asshole, always dismissing me. I wanted to punch him in the side of his stupid head. I went upstairs and texted with Brendan for the next few hours.

Later that night, when we were in bed, I brought it back up because if Brady doesn’t think I’m good enough to marry, I’ll take my gorgeous baby to live far away from him and I dare him to fight me on it.

“You know I want to marry you, Reese,” he said, sounding exasperated. “I don’t even know why you’re bringing this up.”

“Then why haven’t you?” I demanded. “Don’t try to pacify me now when your actions have shown me the exact opposite.”

“What do you want me to do?” he exclaimed. “When would have been a good time to get engaged and married, Reese?”

“I don’t goddamn know, but you could’ve figured it out! You’ve had six years.”

“I’m sorry,” Brady said which made me even more mad.

“Don’t say sorry, just do better!”

We both turned to sleep and didn’t say anything else. A little bit later though, he had the nerve to reach over to me to try to get some. Read the motherfucking room, Brady. For fucks sake.

Anyway. I feel a bit ridiculous about how I acted over Devin getting engaged, but I’m still frustrated with Brady. We’re snowed in together though so hopefully this forces us to talk through our never ending issues.