i caved.

Okay, so I caved. I reached out to Devin. I really didn’t want to, but I was dying for more information and he doesn’t have Instagram and I don’t have Facebook so what else was I supposed to do? I found some old number of his, unblocked him, texted, “Heard you’re engaged!!!” then turned my phone on its face so I wouldn’t sit there staring at it.

Literally ten seconds later, my phone rang. It was an unsaved Los Angeles number.

“Reese [Brady’s last name],” I answered professionally since it was during the workday.

“Hey.” It was Devin. Hearing his voice kind of made it feel like my lunch was going to come back up.

“Oh, hey,” I said back casually. “What’s up?”

“Surprised to hear from you. Figured I was blocked,” he said.

“You were,” I admitted. “But I haven’t done anything charitable in a few months so I figured why not.”

Devin laughed. “I guess I lucked out then. It’s so good to hear your voice.”

“Mmhm. So? You’re getting married?”

“Yup, you heard correctly. How did you find out?”

“That is truly shocking.” Somehow, Devin confirming the news made me stop everything I was doing. I needed to fully digest this information.

“Is it?”

“I never thought you’d get married. Like ever,” I said.

“And why is that?”

“Because you have major commitment and monogamy issues. Quite frankly I don’t think you’re capable of either one.”

Devin laughed again. “Ouch. You know I’m not like that anymore. I’ve changed.”

So naturally I wanted to know everything about this girl and why he was able to change for her, but not me. I needed to know her name, her age and where she’s from. I also wanted to know what she does for a living, how they met and how long they’ve been together.

“It’s been,” Devin paused to think. “Almost four years I think.”

“Four years!?” I exclaimed. I figured they’d been together for way less time, like less than a year. I figured it wasn’t *actually* serious and wouldn’t even last. But four years is a long time. Wow.

There was a bit of background rustling, like he was moving around, and then Devin came back. The background was quiet, like he’d gone into the bathroom or something for privacy. “Yeah. It was casual at first, but things got serious. We decided we didn’t want to see other people.”

“I guess she must be really special then. I can’t imagine you not wanting to see other people.”

“Are you jealous?”

“I mean, kind of. That’s all I ever wanted from you, but you were physically incapable of keeping your dick in your pants so…”

He chuckled. “But you’re the only one I was in love with. Those other girls didn’t matter. I was just having fun.”

“That doesn’t make me feel better, you know. That’s like saying, ‘I know I killed a ton of people, but I was having fun.’”

“God, I miss you,” Devin said.

He’s so smooth, slipping that in there like that. Luckily though, it has no effect on me now. Suddenly, I had a thought.

“Is she pregnant? Is that why you’re rushing to get married?”

Devin laughed like this was completely hilarious and absurd. “What the fuck? No, she’s not pregnant. I don’t want kids. I’ve never wanted kids. Unless it was with you, but—”

“Well, that will obviously never happen. And I have a daughter now.”

He got really quiet. “You do?”

“Mmhm. She just turned a year old.”

“Damn. By who?”

“Uh, my boyfriend.” I’d completely forgotten that I was going to pretend to be married already. “Who I’ve been with forever.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah, so…”

Neither of us said anything for several seconds and then Devin said, “Sorry, that caught me off guard.”

And it’s like, we haven’t talked in years, what did he expect? Did he think I’d be sitting around not living my life in case he wanted back in my life?

“Well, I’d better get going. I’m working and I’m sure you have a wedding to be planning,” I said.

“Yeah. Yeah, you are correct. Let’s stay in touch, beautiful.”

And I hung up right there because stop. You’re engaged and I’m pre-engaged so stop calling me beautiful and pretending anything could or would ever happen with us anymore.

Speaking of pre-engaged, the day after my freak out, Brady was so nice to me. He always does that; we get into a fight and then he just wants it to be over so he goes out of his way to be extra nice to me.

He brought me lunch to my little makeshift home office and had all these questions about work and what projects I’m currently working on. I was still reeling from my conversation with Devin and I needed some time alone so I was vague and pretended to be super busy.

I realized that I’ve been perfectly happy not being engaged or married the past few months/years. I haven’t even really thought about marriage at all. I’d decided to stop bringing it up because if Brady wants to get married then he’ll ask me. So I was definitely embarrassed about how I’d acted over the weekend.

Devin texted me in the afternoon saying, “Can we FaceTime later? I want to see you.”

No. But I sent a picture since he wanted to see me so bad. It was of me and Winnie taken by my mom on my birthday. Obviously the only good picture I’ve taken in the last year.

“Fuck. You’re so beautiful. So is she,” Devin replied.

Brady cooked dinner and we all sat down and ate together. One thing that is really bugging me is that despite spending all day during the week with me, Winnie just prefers Brady. When we’re all home together she wants nothing to do with me and cries if I try to pick her up or feed her or anything. And she clings on to his legs and follows him around the house.

I suspect it’s because Brady gives in to everything she asks for. One night she refused to go to bed because she wanted more sweets so Brady let her stay up and eat cake and ice cream! Obviously she was up all night with a stomachache so he should’ve just made her go to bed in the first place. I never thought I’d be the strict/reasonable parent out of the two of us.

After dinner, Brady finished up work and I fought with the baby to get her to sleep. I mean, literally fought. I have wounds to show for it. When she was finally asleep, I left the room and Brady was waiting outside the door.

“Is she asleep?” he asked.

“Yeah, finally. She’s a terrorist.”

“Aww.” Brady pulled me into a hug. “You’re such a good mommy.”

Ew. I can really do without Brady calling me “mommy.”

Later, we were fooling around on the couch. My phone rang, loud, on the coffee table. I’d turned it off silent to watch Instagram stories earlier in the evening.

“Do you need to get that?” Brady, on top of me, asked.

“No.” I assumed it was Devin, who can’t take no for an answer. And it was 9PM — 6 on the west coast —so not a completely inappropriate time.

But later when we were going to bed, I saw that it was actually Brendan who had called me. What would he need from me at 9PM? That is an inappropriate time. He didn’t leave a message and I wondered if there was an emergency? But I was too afraid of what he might’ve actually wanted and I didn’t call or text back. And I haven’t heard anything from him since. I swear, friendship with him is so weird.

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11 thoughts on “i caved.

  1. as a person going through a divorce, i’m probably going to get roasted for this but honestly, marriage doesn’t change anything except making a breakup more difficult. if you’re happy where you are, there’s no reason to change it.

    i’m glad winnie is growing up so well! dads always tend to be the more permissive parent. you have to be the disciplinarian because you spend more time with her, which isn’t fair, but she’ll realize that when she’s older.

  2. Girl – Devin needs to go back to being blocked! There is absolutely no benefit to having him back in your life.

    My husband started the habit of letting our daughter have sweets in the evening, and I was getting pissed because it made putting her to bed so much harder! Now if she asks for sweets and I say no because it’s too late in the evening for them, I’m the bad guy. So I feel your pain there. lol.

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