we will figure it out.

Getting out of bed is so hard. It’s always been hard, but particularly now. Especially with Mike and all of his temper tantrums lately.

Brady worked Saturday and I got up early to hang out with Lola. I’d decided that I would do Barry’s, but I would have to pass on brunch after. Trying to come up with another excuse for why I wasn’t drinking would be too hard.

After sweating our tits off, we walked out and Lola said, “I need a mimosa spiked with coke right now. Where should we go?”

“Oh, I can’t. Brady and I have a thing,” I said.

“What kind of thing? Skip it. We haven’t gotten fucked up before noon in ages,” she said.

I was tempted to just blurt the news out, but for some reason I just didn’t want to share it with Lola yet. I guess I’m not ready for her scrutiny since she thinks all men are evil.

Brady texted me during the day asking if I wanted to go to dinner. Of course I did. I made a reservation for pizza at 7:30 so Brady wouldn’t be able to stay at work late. I put on high waist jeans, a lowcut bodysuit, a cabbie hat and a black trench coat.

“You look pretty,” Brady said, pretending my boobs weren’t on full display.

I threw on a scarf on the way out. We ordered two whole pizzas because I couldn’t choose and Brady ordered a pitcher of beer.

“I’m sorry, who’s gonna drink that?” I asked once the server walked away.

“Huh?” he said, pretending he didn’t hear me. “I am. What? Should I not?”

I realized that I expected Brady not to drink since I couldn’t. Maybe I was jealous.

We talked a bit about work, but then I was ready to talk baby. It’s hard to get Brady to talk about literally anything, but we had to discuss this. I reminded him about my first real doctors appointment that I wanted him to come with me to.

“Ah, what time is it again?” he asked.

“10:30am on Tuesday.”

“I have an important meeting at 11 so I wouldn’t be able to make it-”

“You have to make it. Are you joking? I mean, if you don’t care, cool. I see where your priorities are and that’s disappointing,” I said.

“I do care. Uh, I’ll try to rearrange things so I can go with you,” Brady said.

“Your lack of enthusiasm is depressing.”

We’d talked about the baby a little bit and Brady seemed to be coming around slightly. He even came home one day telling me about some research he’d done on maternity and paternity leave and health insurance for both of us. This lead him down a rabbit hole of different birthing options and he asked, “Have you thought about this?”

To which I replied, “I haven’t even had my first doctor’s appointment so no.”

On Mother’s Day, Brady hopped out of bed at some ungodly hour and even though I was excited to call my parents, I could not peel myself out of bed. Eventually Brady came and told me he had a surprise and that got me up.

He had a little breakfast spread set up on the bar area with pancakes, avocado toast, fresh fruit, and little sausages. It was very cute and looked like it belonged in a chic hotel or restaurant, which might be exactly where he got it.

There was also a pretty pink card with a mama elephant and a baby elephant on it. Not sure what he was trying to insinuate there, but noted. I only ate 75% of the food I wanted to since he was comparing me to an elephant. Inside Brady wrote a ton of very sweet things, but just had to include, “I know we aren’t ready and still have a lot to figure out, but I can’t wait to see what an amazing mother you’ll be.” That annoyed me and kind of negated everything else. I feel like now when I think of my first Mother’s Day, the only thing I’ll remember is Brady writing “We aren’t ready,” in a card.

The breakfast was delicious though.

“So, my grandmother is here in New York City and my mother has invited us over for dinner. I know it’s last minute, but would you want to go?” Brady asked.

I didn’t take a moment to think. “No. I can’t.”

We hadn’t heard much from Brady’s parents since around the holidays when the mom confronted me about living with Brady. So needless to say, I was not really in a hurry to see them now that I was pregnant.

“Are you sure?” Brady asked, as if he expected me to say yes.

“I’m sure. You should go though and have a great time.”

Later in the day, I FaceTimed my parents. I wanted to be alone for it so I shut myself in the bedroom and told Brady I’d let them know how they took it. He was getting ready to meet up with his parents anyway.

My mom cried of course and after asking a few initial questions like when I’m due and if I’ve been taking care of myself she said, “So is Brady planning on asking you marry him now?”

“I do think now would be an appropriate time for him to ask that,” my dad agreed.

“I know things are different now and less traditional, but babe, since you’re going to be raising a child together, being married will make things much, much easier. You don’t just want to just have a baby daddy, right?”

I nodded. “I know, Mom. We will figure it out.”

“Has he told his parents yet?” my mom asked.

“Not yet.”

She smirked, not even able to hide her amusement. “Please let me what his mother says.”

I knew Brady wouldn’t tell his parents about my pregnancy at the dinner, but I was still dying to know how it went.

“Fine. My grandmother was looking forward to seeing you,” he told me.

“Really?” I was looking forward to seeing her and whatever vintage Chanel ensemble she was wearing also.

That night my mom called to talk without my dad.

“I wanted to let you know that I am so happy. I have been waiting for this. I’m booking a flight to come see you later this month so let me know your schedule. Also, Dad is going to be talking to Brady because the two of you really need to be married before the baby comes,” she said in her thick Houston accent.

“Mom!” I exclaimed. “Please don’t have Dad try to talk Brady into proposing! We will figure it out!”

“It’ll be so much harder if you aren’t married, I assure you,” she sniffed.

And then for the first time since my pregnancy revelation, me and Brady had sex. On a barstool. He was sure to pull out though.

It was hard to get out of bed again on Monday, but we had a big meeting that I needed to prep for. All of our vendors and partners would be there and a lot of the data was coming from me.

In the middle of my set up, I realized that I’d forgotten to order samples that we needed for our presentations. I should’ve ordered it weeks prior, but with everything going on, I completely forgot. It’s so not me to forget something like that and I couldn’t even concentrate on the rest of the stuff I was supposed to do because I was so worried about how I was going to cover up the fact the I forgot the samples. I couldn’t decide if I should warn Mike that we didn’t have them or just let him be surprised in front of all of our guests. I decided on the latter. That way he couldn’t yell at me.

“And Reese has some samples she will pass around. You’ll see what we have in mind in terms of flooring. We have tons of options depending on the route we want to take,” Mike said.

“The samples actually didn’t come in time, but I have enlarged pictures printed off so you can see the detail and texture,” I said.

Mike gave me a look that was not pleasant and I passed my images around. I didn’t say much the rest of the time even though I normally have so much to say. Afterwards, as we were all packing our things to leave, Mike asked to speak with me.

“Sure, what’s up?” I said sweetly.

He waited until the last person left the room so we were alone.

“Help me understand why the samples aren’t here,” Mike said, calmly.

I had to lie. “I’m not sure. They were ordered, but they’ve been with UPS for like two weeks.”

“Why didn’t you express them? Why didn’t you do everything in your power to get them here?” His voice was rising. “And these goddamn print outs? Are you fucking kidding me?”

I didn’t say anything.

“Don’t embarrass me or yourself again, Reese. I’m fucking serious.”

I nodded and grabbed my things and left. I can’t think of a time Mike has been so upset with me so I wasn’t surprised when I felt myself tearing up as I walked out. I picked up the pace so I could cry in the privacy of my office.

I saw Brendan, who was in the meeting, loitering around the lobby like he was waiting for someone.

“Hey!” he said before I could hide. When he saw that I was crying, he reached out and grabbed my arm. “Are you okay?”

I nodded, but then shook my head when I realized I wasn’t.

“Do you want to take a walk?” he asked.

I nodded.

Brendan touched the small of my back and led me out to the elevators. We didn’t say anything on our way down and as we hit the pavement. I shoved the printouts in the first trashcan I saw. I’d stopped crying.

“I hate Mondays,” Brendan finally said.

“I hate working here,” I said back.

“Really?”

I remembered what Kristina said about Brendan wanting us to come work for him and I needed to backtrack before I got myself into something I couldn’t get out of. “No, it’s fine.”

“Is Mike being a dick?” Brendan asked.

“How’d you know?” I hoped he hadn’t overheard my lashing.

He shrugged. “Just a guess.”

We didn’t say anything for a moment and then he said, “I thought about you over the weekend. I went wine tasting with my parents and their new puppy. It was so relaxing and beautiful…and I know you love wine and puppies.”

I laughed. “I do. Thanks for the invite.”

I realized the moment the words left my mouth that I shouldn’t have said it. I needed to stop flirting with him. Brendan looked over at me with a serious expression, reading my face like he was wondering if I was being serious.

“If I would have thought you’d come, I would have invited you.”

“Thanks. It’s totally okay, but I’m expecting photos of the puppy,” I said back.

“You got it.”

And then, he scheduled a “working lunch” for us later in the week.

Later that day, fucking Connie was back with errors in my report. She sent screenshots and again, copied Mike.

“This report needs to be updated urgently so I can efficiently process my accounts,” she said.

Urgently? Fuck off. I didn’t reply.

Brady picked me up on Tuesday morning so we could travel to my doctor’s appointment. He dropped me off in front and then had to go find parking, which took him thirty minutes. I was already sitting in the exam room talking the doctor’s ear off when he joined us. I absolutely love my new doctor. We can call her Dr. Sabrina. I knew we’d get along when I saw that she was wearing bright blue tassel earrings and pink lipstick.

“He’s a neatfreak and works really hard and really late. Obviously things are gonna have to change a little bit,” I was saying as the receptionist let Brady in. “There he is!”

After he and Dr. Sabrina introduced themselves, we all sat around and talked a bit. She wanted to know about us and our families and if we had any concerns. At one point, something Brady said made her say, “Oh, so this wasn’t planned.” And I guess I didn’t explicitly say that at the beginning. Meaning, I hadn’t told her about the birth control mishap or all the drinking so I had to go back and tell her all that.

And then she was ready to get started. It wasn’t until then that I realized I’d be disrobing and having them prod things up my vagina in front of Brady. I know, I shouldn’t be having a baby with someone if I’m uncomfortable doing that in front of them, but still.

Luckily though, I was just in my head and literally no one cared at all. Although Brady’s neck turned red and he gave me a weird look when the doctor said we might not be able to hear the heartbeat.

“We can try though. Do you want to try?” Dr. Sabrina said.

I shrugged.

“Let’s try,” she said.

She moved the the tube thing around my tummy a bit, stopping in random places. After a couple minutes of this, she declared that it was too early.

“That doesn’t mean anything is wrong though. Everything is progressing just fine. You’ll hear the heartbeat at your next visit,” she assured me.

Finally, we went back to her chic all white office so we could schedule additional visits and talk about me some more.

“Are you having any symptoms? Morning sickness?” she asked.

“Yes!” I exclaimed, leaning into her desk. Thank goodness she’d asked. “Some days I will be sick literally all day and all night. I was going to ask if you could prescribe something for that.”

“Possibly-” she began, but Brady – Brady, of all people, cut her off.

“No. I don’t think you should be taking prescription medications,” he said to me.

“Excuse me, what?” I couldn’t believe him. “You aren’t the one who is vomiting all day.”

Dr. Sabrina laughed like I was joking. “There are plenty of natural remedies that can help curb your symptoms. Your diet could also play a role. I recommend ginger tea, whole foods only and a good prenatal vitamin. I’ll have the nurse type all of this up for you.”

When we were walking to the car, I let Brady know I didn’t like him speaking for me.

“You don’t have to deal with puking your brains up 24/7. I don’t think that was your decision to make,” I said.

“I know, but…it’s my baby too. According to what I researched, morning sickness should subside after the first trimester. I think we – you – should stick it out rather than risk taking a drug you’ve never taken before.”

I mean, I guess I was happy he was actually showing that he actually cares, but still. He patted me on the shoulder like I’m fucking five years old.

But, to Brady’s credit, I haven’t been sick all week and I’m not even out of the first trimester yet.

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i deserved that.

Brady logged out of his iPad because he found out I was reading all of his shit. He found out because I confronted him about the conversation he and Hunter had been having about me. After he initially told Hunter and they talked about it respectfully for a little bit (aside from Brady saying, “I think she’s lying”), Hunter said, “Good job locking that down forever, bro. She can’t leave you now, haha.”

To which Brady said, “She will still leave if she wants.”

And Hunter said, “And bankrupt you along the way.”

Excuse me? Fucking bankrupt him? What kind of gold digger do they think I am? And I’m not a “that” you can lock down. I continued reading.

“Exactly. I can’t believe I am in this situation. I’m pretty sure she planned this. She isn’t even upset,” Brady said.

Hunter sent a .gif of a baby crying. “I know it’s hard, but you have to learn the art of pulling out, bro.”

Brady didn’t reply to that.

A few days later, Hunter texted Brady saying, “Have you told [Brady’s mom’s name] yet?” Either I never noticed or they just started calling their parents by their first names.

“Not yet. I’m not in a hurry to tell her. This isn’t going to elevate her opinion of Reese, that’s for sure.”

When Brady got home from work, I immediately laid into him. I couldn’t help myself.

“I can’t believe you think I got pregnant on purpose and I’m going to bankrupt you. I mean, really? Do you think I need any-fucking-thing from you? I’ll gladly take my baby and never speak to you again,” I said.

Brady looked at me like he was confused before realizing that I’d been reading through his messages. “Reese, I respect your privacy and I’d appreciate if it was reciprocated.”

“And please tell me more about your mom’s opinion of me. I love how her opinion of me will change, not her own fucking son who got me pregnant!”

“She will be disappointed in both of us, Reese. I don’t care what she thinks though so it is fine.”

“Obviously you do otherwise you wouldn’t have brought it up!” I screamed.

Brady had the nerve to roll his eyes. “Stop shouting at me. Going through my private messages and speaking to me like this is disrespectful.”

Okay, true. But still. And the next morning when I checked, Brady had logged out of his iPad so I lost access to everything. Which I guess I deserve.

Other than that, Brady and I have not really spoken about my pregnancy at all. And he hasn’t even touched me. He’s been working super late, usually until 9 or 10pm. I thought he’d at least try to come early to his pregnant girlfriend. It’s okay though because I’ve been busy at work too.

There’s a girl I hate. Okay, I guess I don’t hate her, but she really annoys me. Everything at work is super manual – all of our reports are done in Excel and Google Sheets which I’m not used to and I’m trying to make more automated.

A woman who owns one of the reports, Connie, emailed me to let me know that I’d left some of the required fields blank on the report and I needed to fix it. She also copied Mike. I went back in and put in some estimated numbers and she replied all, “My calculations are coming up different. Will you check your numbers and re-enter them?”

Wait, why did she have time to check my work? We went back and forth for several emails, all with Mike attached. He messaged me to stop by his office and when I did, he fucking shouted at me, “Would you figure out this report with Connie? The back and forth is ridiculous and I’m sick of seeing it!”

I messaged Connie so we could talk about it offline, but she didn’t reply and she wasn’t at her little cubicle when I stopped by. But then when I re-sent the report she said, “This still isn’t correct. Will you double check?” I was ready to kill her and now she’s on my shit list for creating all the drama.

I forgot Brady and I invited people over for Cinco de Mayo until Lola texted me on Saturday asking if she needed to bring anything. So I spent all of Saturday grabbing stuff to make frozen margaritas and Mexican inspired appetizers. I was mostly excited to see Lola since it’d been a while since we hung out last.

It didn’t occur to me that people would want to know why I wasn’t drinking.

“Where’s your margarita?” Lola asked, gesturing to my glass of lemon water.

“Oh, I’m way too hungover from last night to drink,” I quickly said. I was not ready to break the news to Lola yet.

“Really? What’d you do?” It’s like she knew I was lying.

“I drank all day and then we went out. Just to the bar around the corner. So what’s going on with Kellen?”

That got her off my back. She told me about how Kellen is focusing on his music and they haven’t hung out much.

“It’s totally fine though because work is busy and I’m talking to someone else,” she explained.

“That’s fast! Who is it?”

“You can meet him soon. Let’s do Barry’s Bootcamp and day drink next weekend,” Lola suggested.

I nodded yes even though I wouldn’t be able to participate in the day drinking part.

Sydney showed up. She had her hair up in a high pony and wore tight workout clothes and no makeup. She followed Brady around the apartment all day, which I noticed because I was watching Brady the whole time. He didn’t hang out with me until he was good and drunk.

“Thanks for making all the food. Everyone keeps talking about how good it is,” Brady said, scooping up some of my not very authentic Mexican spinach dip.

My normal m.o. would be to say something snarky back, but I couldn’t even think of anything. “Of course.”

“Are you having a good time even though you can’t…drink?” He looked over his shoulder, knowing that we weren’t telling people about my being pregnant yet.

“I mean, I guess it’s fine. Luckily I like most people here.”

Sydney came and found me as I was putting out more chips.

“How have you been, Reese? Your hair is so long and shiny. What do you use in it? It looks amazing!” she said.

You know how people will give you a ton of compliments just to make conversation? That’s clearly what Sydney was doing. Especially since she has long and shiny hair as well. But hey, a compliment is a compliment.

“Thanks! I like to use hair masks. I use all different ones, but my favorite one is by Ouai. Do you want me to send you the link?” I said back.

She nodded excitedly.

A few hours later, it had started to get dark and our crowd dwindled to just Connor and Owen (Brady’s doctor friends) and of course, Sydney. I cleaned up all of the food and mess and then joined the group to see when they’d be leaving.

“She is not going to be president,” Brady said, shaking his head.

“I know she won’t be next year because she isn’t old enough, but she is our best chance for a female president since Hillary Clinton,” Sydney said.

“She’s a minority female socialist who is a former bartender. I’m sorry, but that is not who this country elects to be it’s president,” Brady explained.

“You sound like such a privileged and sexist white man. I didn’t realize you were like that,” she said.

So she was falling out of love with my boyfriend – a good sign that she will stop coming around.

“I’m not saying I agree with it at all. I’m just stating the facts,” Brady said.

Sydney huffed and crossed her arms.

“Does anyone want any food to go?” I cut in.

On Monday, Mike sent me out to check on a project. He was in a pissy mood and shouted, “Make sure those idiots know they are behind!”

….k.

I got to the site and the first person I saw was Brendan, wearing a tool belt and Workman boots. They were so far behind on the project that even Brendan was jumping in to help. Normally he just works on the business side. He looked so good in the tool belt.

“Hey, here to help?” he greeted me with a smile. He walked over to me so I wouldn’t have to walk around the construction area in my heels.

“Mmhm,” I smiled, surprisingly happy to see him since it had been a few weeks.

“How are you? How was Paris and stuff?” Brendan was standing way too close to me. I could smell his Le Labo Santal 33.

“Paris was absolutely amazing. I’ll have to show you pictures.”

“I would love that.”

We were flirting and I needed to get out of there. Especially because I didn’t know when I’d start spontaneously puking again.

“Mike sent me here to check the progress here. How’s everything going?” I asked.

Brendan looked around at the scene of construction/destruction behind him. “It’s coming along. There were some hiccups two weeks ago so we’re behind, but things are moving steadily now.”

“When do you think you’ll be finished?” I said and he looked back at me. “Mike wants to know.”

“We are probably still a few weeks away.”

“How about end of next week? Can it be done by then?”

Brendan rubbed the back of his neck and looked down at his boots. “I’m not sure. I can’t call anymore of my guys over because they are working on another project. Can I give you an update toward the end of the week?”

I felt bad coming in demanding stuff from him when clearly he was trying hard for us.

“Of course. And thank you for digging in and getting your hands dirty. It’s rare to see a CEO do that.” I touched Brendan’s forearm for emphasis and he smiled at me. “Is the bathroom under construction also?”

I was happy that all of the sawing and construction noises drowned out the sounds of me throwing up. And now I’ve begun carrying oral care in my bag so when I do puke during the day I can clean myself up after.

Happy Mother’s Day, y’all!

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five years.

Y’all, it’s been five years since my first post. I honestly cannot believe it’s been that long.

I have really enjoyed writing and posting. Posting here grounds me and holds me accountable and definitely feels like therapy. I appreciate everyone who reads, comments and especially those of you who have been here from the beginning! Reading back to posts from years ago is so cringey – what was I doing?!

Thank you for all for the advice, comments, emails, tweets and especially for all of the call outs! I still have so much I want to work on, but any growth I’ve experienced is a direct reflection of keeping this blog. Y’all have literally helped shape who I am which is wild.

Cheers! I love you guys!

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please don’t call me dude.

Brady went to work the next morning without making a sound. I overslept slightly and woke up with Tucker snuggled at my feet. What an asshole. I got up and got dressed, determined to prove to Mike that I was ready to work.

When I got to the office, I went face first into my overdue work, only coming up for air twice to go puke. Kristina talked me into going to Chopt with her for lunch and even though I wanted Taco Bell, I agreed. The fresh air would be nice and it’s not like my stomach could disagree with a salad.

“Sooo, Thomas told me something…” Kristina said as we walked down 42nd Street.

“What did he tell you?” I had to know.

“That he and Brendan want me and you to go run their sales department,” she answered, sounding delighted.

“Oh really? That’s a fun idea.” A fun idea to just throw around – it would obviously never happen.

“Super fun! I’d love to work with them. People we actually get along with!” she enthused.

“I couldn’t do that to Mike,” I revealed. I don’t know why I feel like I have loyalty to Mike, but he handpicked me (even if I was a second choice) to come work for him and I’m not going to jump ship after a few months.

“He also said he catches Brendan stalking your Instagram several times a week,” Kristina sang as we walked into the restaurant.

I gave her a disapproving look before following her in. We ordered our salads and took them back to the office. I didn’t want to be gone too long since I had so much work to do.

“Expect a job offer in your email soon. Or in your DMs, I guess,” Kristina giggled as we walked back into the building.

I got back to my office and was surprised to see that I had a new text from Hunter waiting. Literally the last person I expected to hear from – especially since I hadn’t heard anything from Brady.

“Hey Reese,” he said, adding a star eyed emoji.

“Hi Hunter,” I said back, with no emoji.

“Are you really pregnant? Brady’s freaking out and doesn’t believe you,” he said.

Are you fucking kidding me? Instead of talking to me like an adult, Brady went and told his loser brother on me? I stared at my phone for five whole minutes.

“Not sure why he doesn’t believe me when I showed him my doctor’s note. He knows it’s true and I have absolutely nothing to gain by lying about this,” I finally said back.

“And it’s his?” Hunter said back.

And before I could send the scathing message I was drafting (I was gonna let him have it), another message from him came through. “Just fucking with you. I’m stoked dude. Can’t wait to be an uncle.”

I replied, “Please don’t call me dude.”

Needless to say, that was the end of our conversation. I could not wait to get home to confront Brady about his latest stunt.

Mike was leaving at the same time I was. It was 5:30PM and late for him. He’d ditched his suit jacket and didn’t have his backpack or any work stuff with him. He didn’t say anything to me as we waited for the elevator together.

“Do you have any plans this evening?” I asked because the silence was deafening.

Mike looked down at me out of the corner of his eye, like I had no right to ask that. “No.”

Okay. Go have fun with your hookers then.

I got home and made a fabulous solo dinner (pasta with kale pesto from Pinterest) and waited for Brady to get home. To my complete shock, he walked through the door at 6:45PM. I hadn’t even made him any dinner because I thought he wouldn’t be home for several more hours (and also, I was mad at him). He even had a bag of takeout. I blinked at him expectantly.

“Hi,” he said slowly as he dropped his stuff on the bar area.

“Hello,” I said back, super super sweetly.

“I brought you a burrito and a salad, if you want it.”

I’d already eaten, but I wasn’t going to admit that. “Ohh, what kind of burrito?”

I got up to dig through the bag while Brady went to get changed. By the time he came back, I was balls deep in my chorizo burrito. He sat next to me at the bar.

“So we should talk,” Brady said.

“We should,” I nodded. I put my burrito down because I have manners.

“I guess I’m just wondering how this happened.”

“Do you want a deeper explanation than that you came inside me and your sperm fertilized my egg?”

Brady grimaced. Too much? “I mean, you assured me you were on birth control. I understand that it’s not 100%, but it’s just hard to believe you’re that unlucky.”

“Brady, are you fucking kidding me? Unlucky? Why don’t you understand how this works? I didn’t do this on purpose and I for fucking sure didn’t do it on my own!” I exploded.

“I just think it’s unfair,” he said.

“What’s unfair?”

“I don’t want a child right now!” Brady screamed, standing up. “Neither of us is ready and I can’t think of a worse time for this to happen!”

“Okay, I’ll tell the baby to come back in a few years when you’re ready.”

“And when you’re ready, too! You’re not even close to being ready either, Reese. For God’s sake!”

I burst into tears. I wasn’t expecting Brady to still be upset and definitely didn’t like him in my face and screaming at me. He muttered something and stormed off to the bedroom and I finished my burrito.

Brady was an asshole the next day as well. At 8PM he texted me saying, “Eat without me. I still have a few more hours here.”

Of course he did. And when he got home, he didn’t bother waking me up and he slept on the couch. I would have felt super alone, but I ordered Chinese food and that kept me company.

The following day though, Brady came home early with his tie off and a bouquet of flowers. I watched him over the top of my cheeseburger. We made eye contact and he looked down at the ground.

“I wanted to apologize,” he said.

“Oh,” I said back.

“I’m sorry. Um, can we talk? We should talk.”

“The last time we talked you screamed at me and blamed this whole situation on me,” I pointed out.

“I know. That’s what I want to talk about.” Brady motioned for me to join him at the bar area and I grabbed my cheeseburger and sat next to him.

“There’s no excuse for my behavior. I apologize for being a jerk. I shouldn’t have blamed you or yelled at you.”

“True,” I chimed in.

“I was, I mean, I am really surprised that you’re…pregnant.” Brady closed his eyes like this conversation was too hard to bear. And the word ‘pregnant’ was obviously hard for him to say. “I didn’t even think it was a possibility. I take full responsibility for my part in this.”

“…okay. Thanks, I guess. I didn’t think it was a possibility either, for the record,” I said, putting my burger down since we were finally talking.

“I’m scared,” he revealed.

“I am too,” I said, accusatorially. “Why do you assume you’re the only one feeling this way? It’s like you think this was my idea all along and I’m happy it’s all playing out.”

“No, I know this isn’t your idea. I’m sorry. I’m just…afraid of having a child and not knowing how to love it.”

“What?”

“I don’t know. If I – we – at this point already don’t want a baby…in addition to me having a hard time showing [he used a weird word here. I meant to Google it, but I gathered that it meant like, affection or love]….”

“Brady, you are capable of loving a baby. We will both work on it. I’m not the best at showing my feelings either, but we will figure it out.”

There was a pause and then Brady said, “So you’re six weeks along? What should we do? Should we get married?” He was dead serious.

“I don’t want you to marry me just because I’m pregnant. And definitely not if that’s the way you ask,” I said back.

He nodded and there was silence. I took this time to finish my burger. After I was finished, Brady grabbed my greasy little hand in his.

“I love you. I’m sorry that I don’t say it or know how to show it. You are the best part of my life.”

When Brady said this, I realized that he’s probably worse at showing affection because I don’t know how to accept it. After the “best part of my life” comment, I was thinking, “Hmm, not true.” And then I didn’t acknowledge it at all.

We talked a little bit about what I knew so far, which was basically nothing and went through some things on the What To Expect app. After that, Brady wanted to go for a walk, alone, and I realized when he came back that it was so he could smoke.

Once I’d talked to Brady about it, I thought I’d share my pregnancy news with my mom/parents. But then I thought I should wait until Mother’s Day. Won’t that be an amazing time to let my mom know she’s going to be a grandma? She’s going to die. As far as Brady’s parents – that’s for him to figure out.

As you can see, I’m less numb now. I might even be a tiny bit excited.

The following day, Saturday, Brady had to work, but I expected him to come home early with chili cheese fries like I’d been craving, but he worked late again. That was fine though because I couldn’t keep anything down all day. I had a ginger ale and lettuce for dinner.

When Brady finally got home, we sat together while he ate. After he finished and cleaned up, he said, “Um, I wanted to tell you something.”

Oh, God.

“Okay…”

“Do you remember Hailey?”

“Of course I do.”

Hailey was a college student Brady used to work with who had a massive crush on him and would send him flirty messages all the time. She was a non-threat, or so I thought.

“Well, this one time some of us from work went out and she kissed me. Well, she tried to kiss me. Obviously I-”

“What?” I demanded.

“No, I didn’t kiss her back. I let her know that it was, you know, inappropriate,” Brady explained.

“She, like, kissed you though? On the lips? How long did it last?” I needed to know.

“A second. A few seconds…or less.”

“When did this happen? Didn’t you work with her like three years ago?”

He nodded.

“Why are you even telling me this now? Are you looking for ways to piss me off?” I was shouting now.

“No, no, no! Of course not. I just want to make sure everything is out in the open now that…” He gestured, not wanting to say ‘pregnant.’

“So you had to tell me that some little girl tried to kiss you three years ago?”

Brady nodded.

“Is there anything else?”

“No. No, that was it,” he said.

I wanted to fucking punch him. What a waste of an argument. I went and got in bed and Brady came and joined me even though it was only 9:30PM.

Also, I don’t know if I believe him that that was it.

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