In addition to everything else, Brendan and I went through a bit of a…rough patch in our relationship. “Rough patch” makes it sound like more than it was, but I was genuinely wondering if we were going to make it since I felt like we were too deep into our relationship to be having the issues we were having.

It started at the beginning of the year when Brendan wanted to take a trip to his favorite place to escape the New York City winter. We planned a quick trip to Miami, mostly just to get out of the city, drink more than we should and eat good food. Obviously I did not want to go, but Brendan and I hadn’t spent much quality time together alone with the holidays and everything else going on. So I’d endure Florida for a couple of days for my man.

We landed late on the first night and headed to a little restaurant and sat at their bar to have dinner/drinks. We must have been excited to be away from home and let loose because we started downing espresso martinis like we were getting paid for it. Brendan ordered food for us but I guess I was uninterested and was mainly focused on the fact that there was an iPhone app to control the music in the bar. I immediately downloaded the app and played “Taste” by Tyga (sorry). You know, just really living my best life.

If you’ve been here for a while, then you know I’m a yapper — especially with any random stranger in a bar. Apparently I was sharing the DJing duties with a Nordic looking dude who was sitting one stool away from me at the bar. He was adorable and harmless and could not have been older than 25 years old. Once we realized that we were the only ones in the bar controlling the music, we started talking and he climbed over to the bar stool next to me. He was mostly playing European house music and I’m like, “Your generation just doesn’t understand the cultural impact of Ke$ha!” So we went back and forth playing music and discussing. I was vaguely aware of Brendan’s foot on the back of my barstool and his arm around my waist.

He tapped me and I spun around to face him.

“What are you doing?” Brendan mouthed, looking concerned.

“What? I’m sorry,” I said automatically, not even fully grasping what he was referring to.

“I don’t like that. Stop it,” he said.

“Okay,” I said obediently.

And then I spun my tail back around and started talking to my new friend again! In my defense, Brendan didn’t specify exactly what he didn’t like so how was I supposed to know that he was threatened by a 25 year old stranger?

Brendan paid the bill and we left soon after that. I skipped my happy ass back to the hotel blissfully unaware that Brendan was mad at me. Once we got up to our room, I got undressed and blabbed about how I couldn’t wait to get in bed and sleep so then I could wake up and have breakfast. And then Brendan started going off on me about my behavior.

He’s like, “I can’t believe you acted like that with that dude at the bar. I feel really disrespected.”

I was genuinely so shocked that 1. he was speaking to me like that 2. he was so mad. I was absolutely not flirting with that child — I’d be the first to admit if I was. So Brendan’s reaction seemed to come out of nowhere. And he kept going and going: how he was afraid of this happening and he didn’t want to have to deal with “this” forever and making it seem like this was an obstacle he wasn’t sure if we could overcome. And since he was upset, I was upset and I completely crashed out. I was questioning my actions and trying to think of exactly what I’d done that made Brendan feel so disrespected. Since we’d been drinking so much, I was having trouble recalling the details before Brendan’s mood completely changed. So then I wondered if it was finally time for me to quit drinking once and for all. If it was going to cause this much strife in my relationship, I was willing to do it.

“I don’t even know what I did wrong, I’m sorry,” I sobbed.

“You were all over him. I will not tolerate that. Does this [ring] mean nothing to you?” Brendan said, making me feel horrible. I felt like shit for hurting him and for making him feel insecure about the guy at the bar because he thought I was flirting with him – especially because I wasn’t. Like, if he thought that was flirting, then he didn’t want to see what I was like when I actually was.

And even when I was profusely apologizing and crying, Brendan did not stop or let up like he normally would. Not that my tears should’ve changed how he felt, but usually he always makes me feel better. Nope, he left me to feel guilty and went to sleep without a word and with his back to me. Obviously I was up all night feeling awful that I’d made my man upset.

The next morning, I woke up and Brendan was cuddling me like normal. I felt like I’d been hit by a truck and it took a few moments to remember the fight from the night before. Was it even a fight? I wasn’t even exactly sure how to describe what happened, but I felt emotionally drained and exhausted and was confused that Brendan was spooning me. When I thought about how we left things the previous night before falling asleep, it was hard to imagine easily coming back from that. That’s how bad and out of character it was.

After a while, Brendan must have sensed that I was awake and put a hand on my shoulder/neck – like he does when he wants to kiss.

“What did you want for breakfast?” he asked.

“What?” Breakfast? Who was even thinking about breakfast anymore? “Are you still mad?”

“No,” he said back automatically. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to make you cry last night.”

“Uh, okay. But do you know that I wasn’t flirting with that dude? We were literally just playing music? Is that really why you were mad?”

And then Brendan was just like, “Yeah, maybe I overreacted – oops, tehe – can I have a kiss now?”

At the time, I was just glad that he wasn’t mad at me and that we weren’t fighting anymore. But the more I thought about it, the more I felt resentful that I’d had such an emotional night and he provided no reassurance when I was crashing out and then acted like it wasn’t a big deal.

And maybe that situation was in the back of my mind when, one night a few weeks later, I made Brendan tell me how many girls he hooked up between when his wife broke up with him and when we got together. I assumed it would be zero since the timeframe I was referring to was not very long (just a few months, if you think about it). I hadn’t hooked up with anyone so I assumed he hadn’t either. Like yes, we both moved on fast but it was only because it was with each other – a special circumstance, you know?

“I don’t really think that’s something you need to know,” Brendan said.

So then I bullied begged him until he told me that there were two girls. He had a one night stand (he described it as a ‘spontaneous, one-off thing’) in fucking Miami and then he told me that he had a brief situation with a girl from high who is also mutual friends with his ex-wife.

She was too stunned to speak!

How and when did he even have time to do that? And to be honest, I didn’t think he had it in him. He just doesn’t seem like a casual hookup kinda guy at all and hooking up with a girl who is also friends with his ex-wife? Seemed so grimey for Brendan.

“What? I told you I didn’t want to tell you,” he said when I looked at him with disgust.

“So who is the friend? What’s her name?” I asked because I would absolutely be deepdiving into her social’s later.

Brendan refused to tell me who it was, claimed it wasn’t serious — they’d just ran into each other randomly at the Gansevoort Rooftop and hung out a few times, and then he wanted to know how many people I hooked up with to deflect. I proudly told him none (because I didn’t get a chance to). And you could tell by the look on his face, that he wished he hadn’t revealed his hookups with me.

Don’t ask me how, but I figured out who the girl was. “Lily.”

Okay, I’ll tell you how. So Brendan is not typically secretive and I have the passcode for his phone. I don’t typically go through it because I trust him, but with this new information I had the urge to go through his phone to investigate for myself. So while he was in the shower one evening, I picked up his phone off the charger and got to work. Lucky for me, Brendan doesn’t ever delete his messages (I don’t either – you just never know) and I searched “Gansevoort” in his messages and quickly narrowed my search down to “Lily” — who looked positively slutty in her contact photo (brunette with a slick back and a drink in her hand).

I quickly realized that she was who I was looking for as I scrolled through their message thread and big text blocks between them had kissy face and heart emojis. Brendan described their relationship as “nothing serious” but as I was reading the messages, I felt another crashout coming. His messages to her were like, “You know how much you mean to me,” and “I care about you, you’re so special,” etc. You know, typical Brendan-isms. Definitely not things you’d say to a casual hookup. I even saw messages from her voicing concerns about how serious they were getting. And his replies saying things like, “I can’t help how I’m feeling, I feel like I falling I’m love with you.”

I felt really stupid. Like I’d been duped. I hadn’t even heard of this girl and he was supposedly falling in love with her? It was insane to me that he was in a situation where he had such strong feelings just months before we got together and then he started saying the same kind of shit to me! What the fuck? With him moving on so fast after his divorce, first with “Lily” and then me, it made it seem like he was trying to just fill a void and I was the fucking idiot who fell into the trap. Was our whole relationship a farce? If you recall, I’d even voiced similar concerns as “Lily” about how fast he/we were moving.

I calmly locked the phone and put it back where I found it. I should have never gone through his phone and if I hadn’t I would not have known that stale, four year old tea.

But you know me. I couldn’t just keep my findings to myself — I brought it up the moment he got out of the shower.

“How was your shower?” I asked, eye twitching.

“I wish you would’ve joined me,” Brendan said.

“I was already clean,” I said and then, “So you said your little fling before we got together wasn’t serious? Your fling with ‘Lily?’”

“Uh…no, not really. How do you know about that?” he asked, confused.

I pointed to his phone. “I saw it in your phone and it seemed serious to me.”

“You should not have done that,” Brendan said, like I am five years old.

“Obviously, but I did and now I’m questioning everything because I feel like our entire relationship is a lie.”

“What?”

I explained to him how weird I thought it was that he’d gotten serious with both me and “Lily” so soon after his divorce, how I thought I was special, but maybe he was just looking for his replacement wife.

“What the fuck, Reese?”

He was clearly getting upset, but I couldn’t stop. I was upset too and he just stood there looking at me and once again did nothing to reassure me. I accused him of lovebombing me (and “Lily”) and told him that he probably should’ve taken some time to himself to be single after his divorce.

“So what are you saying? You don’t want to be in this relationship anymore?” Brendan asked, looking like he was going to cry.

“No! Obviously not, if that’s what I wanted then I would’ve said that! I’m giving you a chance to explain yourself because right now it seems like you moved too fast with her, she pulled away so then you tried the same thing with me,” I said back.

“I actually can’t believe you,” he said and that was the last thing he said to me for four days.

Our fight happened on a Wednesday night and the timing sucked because Brendan was leaving the next evening for a trip with his college friends to celebrate St. Patrick’s Day in Chicago. “Like old times.” The trip had been in the works for weeks at that point and I knew we weren’t going to resolve anything before he left because I was mad at him for shutting down when I confronted him about “Lily” and then not even cuddling me while we were in bed!

After work, I went and got Winnie from school and we ran our afternoon errands before heading back home. I was in the kitchen making dinner when I heard Brendan come home and greet Winnie, who was in the living room watching TV. I waited patiently for him to come and say hi to me, but then I heard him walk down the hallway without even breathing in my direction! I was definitely feeling some PTSD from my relationship with Brady when he would stonewall me when we were fighting. I just never thought Brendan would be like that. Like, fuck you! I was mad all over again.

He didn’t have dinner with us because he was doing a Peloton ride, I later found out. After I put Winnie to sleep, I found Brendan in the bedroom, freshly showered and zipping up his stupid fucking carryon for his trip. We made eye contact and he didn’t say anything, but looked at me like he expected me to say something.

“Enjoy your trip, I guess. I hope you don’t end up in the river,” I said dryly.

Brendan had the nerve to look hurt by my comment, but still didn’t say anything! It’s like, did you lose your voice? What’s wrong with you? And then he just fucking left, without even saying goodbye to me! The fuck? I understand that he didn’t like me going through his phone or the lovebombing accusations and he was mad about that, but I was mad first and he was the one who needed to explain himself! After he left, I had a mini crashout alone before staying up until 4am crying.

That weekend, my mom came back to stay for a few weeks. I hadn’t been well since Brendan left on Thursday evening and even though the last thing I wanted was for her to meddle in my relationship, I was dying to talk to someone about it. So I relayed the entire story to her (beginning with the Miami trip when I got in trouble for “flirting” with the 25 year old) in great detail until I ended up bawling with my head in my hands.

“First of all,” she said, prying my hands away from face. “You need to get into therapy.”

My mom hasn’t tried to force me into therapy like that since high school so I knew things must be bad. And I knew that she was right because I didn’t want to feel the way I was feeling and despite everything, I wanted my relationship with Brendan to work.

So she went into full mom-mode and made a list of therapists for me and then contacted them about availability to see me. Then we went to dinner where she let me know all the ways in which I was wrong in my fight with Brendan. I always take my mom’s relationship advice with a grain of salt because she is very male centered and her greatest accomplishment in life is being married to my dad despite the fact they should’ve divorced years ago. But that’s neither here nor there!

Brendan came home on Sunday evening. We hadn’t spoken at all while he was away on his trip and even though I missed him, I still kinda had the ick about the entire situation. But still, when he got home, we hugged and kissed like nothing was the matter. Typical Brendan and Reese type of shit.

“I missed you. Do you want to hear about my trip?” Brendan asked and I told him that I did so he sat and chatted with me and  my mom for a while telling us everything that happened. As much as I wanted to be standoffish and  give him nothing, as I sat there listening to him and watching him, I realized that all I wanted was for things to go back to normal between us. And everything would have been fine if I didn’t have the knowledge about “Lily” and I wouldn’t have had that knowledge if I hadn’t made Brendan tell me about her and if I hadn’t gone through his phone. What’s the saying about how the genie can’t be put back in the bottle or whatever? I don’t know, but please let this be a lesson to you and me both that nothing good ever comes from going through your partner’s phone. I will never do it again.

Eventually Brendan excused himself to go unpack and once he was out of sight, my mom offered to mediate our imminent confrontation. I’m like, that’s literally the last thing I want — you can actually leave.

When I got the bedroom, Brendan said, “I didn’t end up in the river,” as a joke. 

“Oh,” I said, not even cracking a smile.

He pulled me into a hug and held me for a moment before saying, “I’m sorry. I don’t want to fight with you.”

“Same,” I said.

Brendan said that he was ready to explain himself and said that space was good for both of us. He’s like, “I’m not mad about you snooping, I don’t care about that. I was just frustrated because that was not information or a situation I was prepared to talk about with you.”

“Mmhm.” I nodded.

He explained that he understood why I did what I did since he wasn’t exactly forthcoming with the information, but my words hurt and made him feel embarrassed and ashamed, but after taking time to think, he felt better. And then he apologized again for shutting down.. He didn’t offer any additional information about “Lily” or their situation — which I guess is fine — but then he wanted to know how I felt. I’m sure it helped that he had four whole days to think about it, but I thought Brendan did such a good job articulating how he felt. It’s almost exactly how I felt during the Florida/25 year old situation (the embarrassment and shame of it all); I just couldn’t explain it to him in the moment. I don’t know, I guess he just has a way with his words because then he reaffirmed how he felt about me and how he has never questioned his feelings for me and they have never wavered, etc. He even said something along the lines of, “I knew I had strong feelings for you when I shouldn’t have…”

At the end of the conversation, I felt a lot better: everything Brendan said made sense to me and I’d certainly learned my lesson so I was ready to move on from the situation and continue planning our wedding!

But then. We were smooth sailing for approximately one month and then Brendan did it again. I mentioned that we’ve been hanging out with other couples (couples from Brendan’s circle and some of my mom friends) and we were out at a restaurant bar with a big group one night. It was Brendan and me plus: Miguel and Jasmine; Kendall and his new-ish GF who is serious about; Brendan’s HS friends, Jordan and Benny and their significant others; and then I invited a mom I’m friends with from Winnie’s school, Kelli, and her husband, Matt. Brendan and I had hung out with Kelli and Matt a few times at school functions without any issue and we all got along fine. Matt is my age and Kelli is like four or five years old and they’re both super into health and fitness in an almost problematic way. His Instagram is filled with quotes about how we are killing our bodies with chemicals, food is the enemy and MAHA with explicitly saying “MAHA.” But still, they like to drink and they’re always a fun time so it’s whatever.

Anywho, Matt and I have a similar sense of humor and I joke around with him like I do with literally everyone else. I’m not sure what was in the water that night, but I guess Brendan suddenly had an issue with the way I was speaking to Matt – who I could not be less attracted to if I tried. Without completely dragging his appearance, he is sort of…roidy and bald and has no eyebrows (perhaps a side effect of all the supplements). All of that is besides the point because I was legitimately not doing anything wrong.

Brendan tapped me and said, “Really? Can you stop?”

Since I wasn’t doing anything bad, I turned to him and nodded and then went right back to what I was doing (talking to Kelli and Matt). Unbeknownst to me, Brendan’s issue was with me talking to Matt in general. We stayed for about an hour longer and everyone was talking about going to another spot to continue drinking. Brendan wanted to go home.

“Why? You’re so boringgggg,” I whined as he paid our bill. I had my arms dangling around his neck and he pried me off and told me to stop. Wow, so he was clearly in a mood and I didn’t push it.

In the car on the way home, he let me know that he didn’t like the way I was acting with Matt, accused me of being “all over him” and it made him uncomfortable. And then he started in on the whole, “If you respected me and our relationship,” lecture. I’m just like, Matt? Matt?? Respectfully, the man looks like a thumb. What the actual fuck? But this time I didn’t cry or crashout – I was just so confused as I was not flirting with that man.

“What? How exactly was I ‘all over him?’” I asked and I know it came out bitchily. I was trying to hear him out even though in the back of my mind I knew he was being unreasonable.

“Flirting with him, laughing at everything he says, not paying attention to anyone else. You don’t think it’s weird?” Brendan said, in a tone like it was obvious.

“Okay,” I said, calmly. “I actually don’t, but I’m sorry for making you feel disrespected. I don’t understand what I did, but I’ll try not to do it again.”

I was about to lose my fucking mind. I just felt so confused and defeated. Not that I was bad before, but I had been on my best behavior since we had our other two little hiccups. And it seemed to me like Brendan was extra possessive ever since we got engaged and was always trying to find a problem with me. I didn’t think I’d ever given him any reason not to trust me, I have always been my gregarious — perhaps slightly flirty — self and it was odd to me that he was just now bringing up that he didn’t like it and it made him uncomfortable. And the men he was accusing me of flirting with were so not anything to be concerned about. In fact, it was almost offensive. It was also confusing to me that he was offended by the way I behaved around other *random* men, but was completely unbothered by my relationship with his two close friends, Kendall and Miguel, which were arguably more inappropriate/flirty than any of the situations he’d gotten mad at me for. And if we were being really, really honest, I was the one who should be acting possessive and irrational after the whole “Lily” situation/revelation. I don’t know. It’s like, just because we are engaged doesn’t mean you get to own me. And I don’t want to turn into one of those girls who can’t make eye contact with men because my husband doesn’t like it, you know?

Y’all! I’ll be back with a more lighthearted post soon! Don’t worry – Brendan and I are good and we are still getting married (hopefully)! I can’t wait to share more!

Weird timing, but after Brady found out that Brendan and I got engaged, we started talking regularly again. The weekend after the Halloween party, he texted me to let me know that Winnie had shown him all of the potential wedding dresses (for her) we’d saved on her iPad. Clearly he was just trying to make conversation and I would indulge him — at least a little bit. It’s rare that he ever wants to talk to me so I guess I needed to enjoy it while it lasted because you never know when he’s going to suddenly find beef with me again.

The following week was the election and I was devastated by the results. Brady is super in tune with politics and I texted him to see if the outlook was as bad as I was feeling because I was catastrophizing. Brendan — who always says everything is going to be fine — said that he wasn’t sure what this second presidency term was going to look like. So I needed Brady to tell me if we actually were going to be fine or if we would go full handmaid’s tale.

In the midst of talking about all of these women’s issues and rights, Brady told me that if he and Caroline were going to have to do IVF if they wanted a child because she has fertility issues. Absolutely insane of him to share something like that with me, but definitely made me feel like an asshole from all of my pregnancy speculation last year. Eventually I’m going to learn that I need to mind my own business.

While I was spiraling on election night, I booked myself an impromptu trip to see my friend, Lauren, in Austin, TX where she is now living with her husband. If you don’t remember Lauren, that’s understandable because I haven’t seen her in years. I messaged her to tell her I got engaged and we’ve been texting and FaceTiming a lot since. She threw out the suggestion of me visiting her and I jumped — I needed to get out of my bubble and away from my man!

And let me just say that being around someone else’s man made me appreciate mine so much more. Lauren’s husband is an asshole. He spent the entire weekend talking about all of the people (girls) in the running club he’s in, made derogatory comments about us wanting to go to the gay bar, made fun of us when we ultimately decided to stay (because he was going out with his running club friends), and then invited himself to brunch where he acted like an entitled snob and was super rude to the staff. It’s been a long time since I’ve hated someone’s boyfriend/husband so it was nice to have that feeling back. I hope I never have to see him again!

By Thanksgiving, I was more or less out of my doom spiral and I was ready to get on with my life and start thinking about my wedding. Brendan and I literally hadn’t talked about getting married or our wedding since that dinner with our parents. I asked Brendan what ideas he had and threatened him if he told me that he didn’t have any ideas or didn’t care!

“Wait, actually Margot had a good idea that I liked. We should talk to her about it this weekend,” he said.

Margot’s good idea was to have our wedding at a huge, beautiful vineyard up in the mountains somewhere near their family cabin. She’s apparently friends with the family who owns it and even though they don’t technically do weddings anymore, they’d do it for us. The entire situation sounded a bit rustic for my taste, but I kept reminding myself that it’s not just my wedding. So we proceeded with that idea for a couple of weeks. We’d get married at the vineyard and I was warming up to the idea. In some of the pictures I found online, the venue vaguely resembled some of the chic European villa weddings I have pinned on Pinterest. My mom and Margot started reaching out to local caterers, photographers, florists, etc and would forward their portfolios to Brendan and me for approval.

I could tell that neither of us was really that enthused about the whole thing and we were pretty indifferent about it and all of the decisions. I was thinking, “I cannot be bothered with all of these decisions. If Margot is such an expert, she can choose.” Don’t get me wrong — I’ve always been excited to marry Brendan, I was just not particularly excited about this scenario. It wouldn’t be my dream wedding (not that I was even sure what that meant anymore), but at least I would get to marry my dream man. I knew Brendan was feeling the same because he started complaining to me about how much Margot was messaging him and asking for him to look at stuff. Brendan is not one to initiate complaints, but will always piggyback when I start complaining about something. So I knew we were really not into it.

One day, Brendan casually said, “You know what would be sick? If we got married somewhere different, somewhere that would be special for just us…”

“Okay…” I said. “Like what?”

So we started brainstorming destinations where we could have our wedding — places that he had absolutely never been with his ex-wife and was exciting enough that we’d want to go back and visit to relive our special day. Eventually, we narrowed down the list to a few places — each one more obscure than the last. Like, a true destination wedding. I was excited, even though we’d have to keep the guest list tight, but it all sounded very chic. I started storyboarding immediately.

Once we decided that the little local vineyard wedding wasn’t happening, we had to break the news to our mothers who were already balls deep in planning. Oopsie!

After I got engaged, my mom started visiting more often and spending a lot of time in the city. I’m talking weeks at a time. At first she would stay in hotels nearby, but then upon Brendan’s insistence, she started staying with us. I understand that he’s nice and all, he just doesn’t get it. There’s a reason I moved 1,000+ miles away from my parents and never looked back. And since Brendan and I got engaged the moment I moved in, things felt consistently chaotic since we moved in together.

But I will admit, having my mom around was super helpful. She cooks and cleans and reads with Winnie when I don’t feel like it and babysits when Brendan and I want to go out.

Winnie’s 5th birthday fell on a Saturday and despite the fact that she usually spends the weekends with Brady, (with my mom’s help) I planned an almost $4k birthday party for her at a kids’ play center here in the city. He agreed that she could have her party despite the fact that they’d have to delay their trip to Mass to visit his family by a day. I feel like we’ve finally figured out how to co-parent. I think the difference is that Brady was actually being nice to me — not that I’m blaming the entirety of our screwed up relationship on him, but mostly! So he was coming with Caroline to pick Winnie up after her party even though they were obviously welcome to attend the entire party.

The other birthday party attendees were:

• My dad — who flew in for the occasion. He’d last been in the city for Thanksgiving when he and my mom had come together to celebrate (we hosted). She never left.
• Winnie’s entire class including this adorable well-mannered kid named Christian, who I would like Winnie to marry in 20-25 years.
• Margot
• Brendan’s cousin Daphne and her kids
• Erika and her twins

The kids exhausted themselves playing on all of the physical activities and games for two hours. I was just happy that Winnie was having a good time and that this party would be memorable now that she is forming core memories. Brady (and Caroline) arrived to pick her up as the party was winding down. I wouldn’t have even noticed them sneak in, but my mom screamed, “Well, finally! Winnie thought you forgot her special day!” when they showed up.

It would be her first time meeting Caroline and seeing Brady in a very, very long time and my first instinct was to go over and facilitate. But then I was like, “No, I’m not going to shield them from my mother’s antics. If she makes them uncomfortable, that’s none of my business.” It’s not like Brady ever protected me from his mother — who is crazy in a different way — so I was going to let them figure it out on their own.

As the party was winding down and guests were trickling out, I noticed that Brendan was standing near the door talking with Brady and Caroline, whose presence I still hadn’t acknowledged. That’s when I found my manners and headed over to speak to them for the first time.

As I approached and before I could say anything, Brady said, “Congrats. Good luck, she’s your problem now,” to Brendan. Then he walked past me without saying anything.

Was he implying that I was the problem? “Uh, hello? What the fuck?” I called after him.

Caroline said, “Good to see you both!” before following after him.

After months of being normal and cordial, Brady fucked everything up by suddenly acting bitter about my engagement and our relationship fell apart again. So he stopped finding random things to text me about and we went back to ignoring each other’s existence.

Y’all, I am so sorry for going ghost. I meant to update months ago and started this post at the beginning of the year. Then life got busy! Mainly because: 1. Brendan and I needed to do some research on our destination wedding so there was a lot of traveling and 2. I actually made some friends my age (mom friends) who I’ve been spending time with. I obviously have so much more to catch y’all up on, but I’ll tell you about that in my next post which I hope is very soon! Bye for now!

On the night we got engaged, Brendan and I had sex for the first time in…I’m embarrassed to say how long. I’m like, this is the most expensive gift this man has ever gotten me — I should probably put out tonight. But it had been a hectic few weeks and this was the perfect time to get back into our groove.

The next morning I woke up and I had a text from Mike. It said, “Congratulations Reese. Why don’t you work remote this week?”

I guess Brendan had already spilled the beans to Mike, which is fine but weird considering we hadn’t even had a chance to tell our parents. And I always work wherever I want so it was weird that Mike was making it clear that he didn’t want to see me in the office.

Anywho! Despite the fact that I *felt* like my life had changed, I still had to get on with it. I wanted to stay in bed with my new fiancé and finally reveal my carefully curated and meticulously organized wedding Pinterest board, but I had to get up and get my child ready for school. And Brendan was apparently going on about his day as normal anyway.

I FaceTimed my mom from the car after dropping Winnie off to tell her that I was engaged. As usual, I had been actively avoiding my mom and screening her calls and texts so we hadn’t been speaking very much. Everything about her stresses me out these days and I’ve been trying to protect my peace.

“Oh, he finally asked you?” she said in a way that didn’t sound surprised in the slightest.

“Yes, finally,” I said back, snarkily.

“I’m glad! Let me see the ring?” she said.

I held up my hand and gave my mom a few seconds to check it out.

She said, “Gorgeous, isn’t it? Did Brendan tell you that he showed it to us back in June?”

Of course he hadn’t, but I guess I should have figured. I was slightly annoyed by her smugness, and of course she had to make this moment about herself.

“He didn’t, but I’m not surprised. He definitely wanted to make sure he had y’all’s approval,” I said.

“You know, Dad wasn’t so sure at first. He was not going to approve. I had to talk him into it.”

What the fuck was she on about? “Why?”

“Well because of Brendan’s history. Being a divorcee and all…”

Really?

“Who cares?” I screamed “And aren’t you the one who had an issue with that, not Dad?”

Since I had called her out she did what she does best — pivoted to the next inconsequential topic.

“When are you getting a manicure? The red doesn’t seem very bridal,” my mother said.

I rushed her off the phone after that. She’s so annoying! A day later, after inundating my phone with unsolicited links to Buzzfeed-style wedding planning lists, venues in various parts of the country and dresses I wouldn’t be caught dead in, she finally just ended up calling back.

“Dad and I are just so excited that we’ve decided to come and see you this weekend!”

I groaned out loud.

“Don’t worry, we’ll get a hotel, but I definitely want to see the new place!” she said.

“Okay,” I sighed.

“And I talked to Margot,” she went on. “We thought an early December engagement party would be perfect…before the holidays get crazy…” she went on.

“Uh, no. That is not going to work,” I said. Truthfully, I hadn’t even considered an engagement party yet, but I was annoyed that she was already trying to take over the planning.

We were going to have to discuss all of this later because now my main concern was the fact that my parents were coming in a few days and I had to deal with that. In my old age, I realized that my mom gives me anxiety and just being in her presence puts me at risk of having a panic attack. So I was not looking forward to their visit.

Since my parents were coming, it was quickly decided that we’d all have dinner out together on Saturday night: Brendan and myself, my parents, his parents and his sister, Danielle. Even though I was slightly annoyed/apprehensive about my parents coming, I was still riding the high from getting engaged so I was feeling good.

Luckily my parents weren’t arriving until Saturday morning so Brendan and I spent Friday night together. We hadn’t spent any significant time alone since we got engaged and I was looking forward to a quiet evening with my man!

So we sat at the counter eating our Thai takeout and just gabbing and Brendan said, “So I saw my sister yesterday and I told her we got engaged. And she cried.”

“Wait, what? Why did she cry?” I said back.

“I don’t really know. I think she was just caught off guard. She wasn’t expecting it. But I wanted to let you know in case she is kind of weird tomorrow,” he explained.

Im just like, dude what the fuck? As if she isn’t always weird with me? Just how bad was her reaction to the news? Why the fuck did he even tell me about this? Brendan always overshares the worst things. And hello, he didn’t tell his sister — who he is supposedly like best friends with — before he proposed that he planned on doing it? Initially I took her crying personally because I thought it was because of me — because I’m not Reagan — but once I thought about it, I could totally see where she was coming from. Especially after finding out that he’d told our parents months ago that he was going to do it eventually.

So then I started crying. How could anyone not be completely overjoyed by our impending union? I know Danielle has always been a hater, but it didn’t even occur to me that she would be unhappy about Brendan and I getting married.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for you to cry,” he said.

“I don’t even know why you told me that. I already know she doesn’t like me,” I said.

“She does like you though,” my clueless fiancé said.

I guess it was time Brendan and I discussed his sister and the way she makes me feel. I’ve literally never talked to Brendan about Danielle and my’s mostly non-existent relationship and with good reason because as I started explaining myself, I realized I sounded like a petty crybaby bitch. It’s not like she’s outright rude to me (at least not anymore), but she’s not overly nice either. And eventually I was just talking in circles that no longer had any point so finally I just had to say it. 

“And I don’t know, to me it seems like maybe she wishes you were still with your ex-wife and she will never accept me because of that.”

“I can assure you that’s not the case,” Brendan said calmly. I don’t know why, but I expected him to freak about me saying that. “Danielle likes you, I swear.”

And I truly trust Brendan when he tells me things so I had no choice but to believe him. And then things got awkward because he asked me if I like her and I couldn’t say the truth — that I feel the same about her as she feels about me — so I had to assure him that I like her too.

Anywho, my parents arrived the next morning and the first thing my mother wanted to do was take me to get my nails done. She’s infuriating, but I actually did need a manicure. I just listened and drowned her out while she told me all the ideas she had for my wedding, none of which I was interested in in the slightest. And maybe I was just sensitive because of the conversation Brendan and I had the night before, but it occurred to me that she hadn’t once asked how I felt, how Brendan felt, how our relationship was going, if we were ready or anything like that — she just wanted to talk about the wedding. That annoyed me. But after the way she interfered in my last relationship, I probably wouldn’t have told her anything anyway.

That night, the four of us headed to the restaurant together to meet Brendan’s dad, his stepmom and Danielle. We all greeted each other and Danielle actually walked up to me and hugged me.

“Congratulations!” she said, with probably the most enthusiasm I’ve ever heard from her. “So happy for you.”

“Thanks!” I said, taken aback.

“I got you something. You can open it later,” she said as she dangled a gift bag in front of me. So maybe between our conversation the night before and now, Brendan had said something to her because she is never that nice to me and she wasn’t weird at all!

Danielle was on her best behavior, but I can’t say the same for my mother. I’ve been keeping her at an arm’s length for the past several months/years and it’s been working well as far as I’m concerned. And anytime she’s been around Brendan and his family, she’s been tame and understated, but I guess now that I’d secured the ring she felt like she could finally be herself. And by “be herself” I do mean drink like a fish and cross every boundary she could think of. 

Brendan’s dad ordered a bottle of champagne for the table and everything started off normally. Brendan’s dad stood up and gave a toast which I thought was really cute and then Margot gave one of her own. One thing I love about Brendan’s family is how much they clearly all love each other. It sounds weird because obviously I love my family too, but I don’t go out of my way to be around them all the time. Brendan’s family is just so perfectly normal. Like they don’t have to worry about embarrassing each other ever. Meanwhile, my mother was at the end of the table saying, “We all thought Reese would already be married, but Brady just refused to give her a ring. He thought of every excuse not to—”

“Mom!” I exclaimed. She’s so out of line.

“Sorry,” she said, half-heartedly. And then added, “I guess that was no issue for Brendan because once you’ve already done it once, you can easily do it again!”

Luckily, no one was *really* paying any attention to her. Brendan and I told a lot of stories about our friendship (leaving out all of the details about our obvious sexual tension when we were both with other people, oops) and the funny things that have happened at work. Ugh, I just love him so much.

“So once Reese has another baby, she’ll probably want to stay home with the kids. Can y’all afford that?” my mom asked.

“Uh, I didn’t say I wanted to do that,” I said back. I mean, not recently, but still. She just wanted to know about our finances!

Then my mom and Margot wanted to talk about the actual wedding and throw out their ideas for when and where. No one bothered to ask me what ideas I have even though I’ve been planning my wedding since 2003, but whatever.

“So where was your last wedding?” my mom asked Brendan, still not letting him forget that this isn’t his first rodeo.

“Here in the city,” he said back, taking it all in stride.

“So we won’t do it here. That would be odd, wouldn’t it? We don’t want a repeat of your first wedding,” she pretended to laugh. No one else laughed.

“Obviously, Mom!” I said. She had a point, but still. 

“Just making sure! What about a destination wedding? Mexico or Europe—”

We all continued tuning her out.

At the end of the night, Margot had a server take a picture of our group — because she thinks ahead — and later on, she posted the picture to her Instagram feed with a caption saying something like, “Please join me in congratulating Brendan and Reese on their engagement…” I thought that was so sweet and precious! And I don’t know why this surprised me, but dozens of comments rolled in: “Congratulations to these two beautiful people!” “Mazel!” etc. People who don’t even know me! I’m like, wait Margot, post me more, I’m loving the attention. Obviously I could post myself on my own page more, but I’m leaning more into mystery these days.

Speaking of which! At some point last year, my Gen Z work friends convinced me to make my Instagram profile private. I used to be more of a wide open profile kinda girl — I’m cute and funny so why not — but they talked me into closing it off. I can’t remember their exact reasoning, but I’m like, these girlies are more in tune with social media and technology than me these days so I’ll listen to them.

The morning after our impromptu engagement dinner with our families and Margot posting about us, I woke up with a new Instagram follower request. And it was from Reagan, Brendan’s ex-wife. I thought: wow, that seems bold. What does she want to follow me for? I mean, obviously I know what for, but can’t she at least pretend that she’s not trying to snoop? And as a reminder, one of her friends, Henderson, followed me after we met once so couldn’t she just have him do her dirty work? Or make a Finsta like a normal person?! I didn’t immediately take action on the request in case she wanted to rethink and remove it.

But then later that night I checked and the request to follow was still there. Fine, if she was insistent on seeing what we were up to then I’d let her. It’s not like I post a ton anymore anyway. And I wanted to acknowledge her so that she knows I know she is spying! I’m kind of annoyed about it though. Obviously I don’t love that Brendan used to be married, but I understand he has a past and so do I. But a part of what helps me get over it is the fact that he and Reagan don’t have any kids or dependents together so they have literally no reason to still be in each other’s lives. They don’t even follow each other anymore! So the fact that she went out of her way to follow me so she could keep tabs on our life is irritating to me.

Another irritating thing to me — I obviously texted Kendra to share my exciting news.

“I’m engaged!” I said and included a picture of my ring because it’s truly too good not to show off.

“WHHAAAT,” she texted back. And then in a separate message, “TO WHO??” And in another message, “BRADY!?

Genuinely, what the fuck? She pays so little attention to me and my life that she doesn’t realize that Brady and I broke up years ago. And she doesn’t even know about Brendan?? I couldn’t even reply. God!!

Speaking of Brady. I figured baby girl Winnie would tell him all about the engagement (especially her part in it), but if he knew about it, he didn’t mention it. Not that we talk regularly, but if he did know and didn’t reach out at all, that would be kind of rude, no?

So for Halloween, Winnie’s class was having a costume party and apparently she begged both Brady and I to come. I thought she just asked me because I’m her favorite, but when I got there, Brady texted me to ask if I would be there because he was on his way. Great. Winnie went super unique with her costume and dressed up as a Barbie cowgirl. She’s so freaking cute. She dragged me around the party so I could see all of her favorite things in the classroom and talk to her friends.

“Look at Olivia’s hanitizer,” she said. “I want one.”

Olivia did, in fact, have one of those cute, pink Touchland hand sanitizers that is completely unnecessary for a five year old. But what baby wants, baby gets and Winnie and I went home that night and ordered her a 5-pack from Amazon.

Eventually Brady showed up. Since it was the middle of the day, he was in work clothes and claimed he couldn’t stay long.

“Okay, well you didn’t have to come,” I said, starting things off bitchily.

He ignored me and said, “I should’ve worn my pink cowboy outfit too!”

Winnie thought that was absolutely hilarious — who knew Brady could be so funny — and I decided that I’d keep my snarky comments to myself. We hung out for a bit and I waited for Brady to notice my ring. He’d barely even looked at me so I wasn’t surprised that he didn’t seem to notice or care.

At one point, Winnie walked away and I turned right to Brady so we were face to face.

“I don’t know if you heard, but Brendan and I got engaged a couple of weeks ago,” I blurted out. And then I held my hand up so he could see my ring, just in case I wasn’t clear.

“Oh wow,” Brady said, stoic. He doesn’t typically have big reactions about anything so I guess I’m not surprised. “Congrats.”

“Thanks,” I said back. “Just wanted to let you know.”

“Were you expecting it or were you surprised?” he wanted to know.

“I mean, we talk about marriage a lot so I expected it at some point. Sometimes bullying works,” I said.

Brady actually laughed. “I’m happy for you, if this is what you want. I know marriage is important to you so hopefully it works out.”

“It’ll work out, you don’t have to worry about that,” I assured him.

“Okay.”

I turned back away from him since the conversation seemed to be over, but then Brady said something like, “You’re like a different person now.”

“Excuse me?” I said, ready to tussle.

“Not in a bad way,” he backtracked. “You just seem a lot more level headed. If you were always like this then maybe we—”

I cut him off before he could blame all of our relationship problems on me. “Being in a healthy relationship makes a really big difference. I’m sure you get that.”

“I do,” he said. “I really am happy for you though. I don’t know anything about Brendan, but Winnie has nothing but positive things to say about him.”

“Thanks,” I said again. I wanted to point out that he could get to know Brendan if he wasn’t such an asshole anytime they’ve seen each other, but that was a conversation for another day!

Bye for now!

Hey y’all.

So…I am engaged. I’m slightly annoyed because I only got to enjoy it for approximately two weeks before election anxiety took over my life. So the timing wasn’t perfect, but I am still super happy.

The last time I updated y’all I was still dragging my feet about moving in with Brendan. I ended up waiting until the last possible second — the long weekend before I had to be out of my apartment. There was literally no reason other than I was afraid of change and our relationship felt perfect the way it was. Plus, Winnie and I were spending all of our time with Brendan at his apartment anyway and our apartment was basically just being used as storage at that point.

So anyway, I waited until the weekend before I needed to be officially out to call up my movers and tell them I was ready so the whole situation felt kind of chaotic. I know Brendan was irritated with me that I’d left everything until the last minute, but in my defense, it’s not like I had a ton of shit to move since we’d been slowly moving our things to his place for months! But you know Brendan didn’t say anything to me and started helping the movers like he was getting paid too. I love him!

This was on a Sunday evening and once the move was over, Brendan said, “So we live together now?”

I was like, “Well, it sure appears that way, doesn’t it?” Was he already regretting our decision? It was a bit late now! And he’d had months to reconsider especially when I was not exactly tripping over my feet to move myself. 

“Okay, good,” he said and kissed me, apparently not regretting anything…yet.

Since we had the whole night ahead of us, Brendan suggested dinner at one of the little romantic Italian restaurants in his our neighborhood to celebrate me finally moving in. I may have delayed the move in for as long as humanly possible, but that didn’t mean I was any less obsessed with my man. Especially because this was only a couple days after I’d been near tears alone in my office — triggered by the debut of Brendan and all of his employees’ new headshots on the company website. I had this crazy realization, like, “Wait, this is my man? He’s so HOT and successful and he loves me? Like, hello?? How did this happen to me?” And before you ask, I am not pregnant, but was probably emotional because of my birth control/being a naturally insane person. And even Miguel was looking so good in his headshot too that it had me wondering what the Eiffel Tower is like at this time of year. But this is a post about my engagement so we are going to move on.

Anyway, dinner was completely normal and there was absolutely no indication that Brendan was going to propose to me soon. The next day, we had a day off from work and school. Brendan was up bright and early because he had to work out and run errands and stuff, you know how he is. He woke me up to talk to me about my plans for the day and what time I planned on being home with Winnie, who I was picking up from Brady’s house in the afternoon. He mentioned going to his parents’ house for dinner later, but would keep me in the loop. We spend time with Brendan’s parents quite often so this didn’t seem out of the ordinary. Although it was a school night and I really just wanted to have a chill night with the three of us but oh well.

Since it was technically a holiday, Brady was off of work (remember when Brady would never take a day off, holiday or not? And here he was, lounging in comfy clothes on a Monday! I won’t complain), but Caroline was working. Which meant I actually entered their bland home for maybe the second or third time ever. It had been a hot minute since we’d even seen each other so I guess he wanted to catch up. Plus, Winnie politely asked me to help her clean her room. My messy (literally and figuratively) girl.

After we cleaned, Winnie and I went back downstairs where Brady was and somehow spent another couple of hours just fucking around. I don’t even know how, we literally weren’t doing anything. Brady had changed out of his comfy clothes and was talking my ear off about the house and Winnie and other random stuff about work and his life. I will say that now we are in a good place, he seems a lot happier as a person. Like, we aren’t talking regularly and I don’t know how long it’s going to last, but when we do, he can joke around with me and not be a complete dick. And it’s just like, why can’t you always be like this? I feel like Caroline actually makes him happy! So good for them! I have some more to share about Brady and Caroline, but let me get on with my story.

Winnie and I hopped in the car to head back to the city and I called Brendan to check in. He said that he was still out running errands or whatever, but he’d be home later and we could still go to his parents if I wanted to. I’m like, I never wanted to, but sure!

So we got back to what I assumed was an empty apartment. Winnie ran through the place, getting herself situated and comfy, while I stood in the foyer area completely engrossed in my FYP. Thoroughly distracted. She appeared in front of me again, calm, but giddy.

“Mommy, I have to show you something,” she said.

“Mmkay,” I said, still only half paying attention and totally expecting my child to show me the makeover she’d given one of her dolls or an item she’d stolen from one of her classmates. Something along those lines. She led me to the guest bedroom which I probably hadn’t stepped foot into since construction ended. I’m like, “Oh God, what has this child gotten into?” as she has no business being in there.

I followed Winnie to the bedside table where she dug into the drawer and produced a square black box, the kind that typically holds a piece of jewelry. It looked huge in her little hands and she pried it open gleefully.

“Winnie!” I gasped as I laid my eyes on what appeared to be a large, sparkling ring. My first thought was that Brendan’s ex had finally given him the engagement ring back and Winnie had found where he stashed it. I didn’t really get a good look at it. A very small, doubtful side of me thought it could’ve been my future engagement ring that she’d stumbled upon. “Put that back!”

She froze as I rushed over to take the ring box from her to put back in the drawer. But before I could even get my grubby little mitts on the box, a big hand reached over my shoulder and took the ring box out of my hand. Brendan.

“Oh my God,” I said, initially mortified that we’d been caught snooping. We’d barely been officially living with the guy for a full day and we were already busted going through all of his stuff.

But then Brendan got on one knee and it took me a moment to understand what was going on. Whenever I’ve imagined getting engaged and Brendan proposing to me, it was nothing like this. Like, we were in a random guest bedroom. And my dude had a backward hat on. I’m not complaining, it was just different than I was expecting. And I was definitely surprised.

I blacked out and started sobbing hysterically — you know me — and a concerned Winnie clutched my thigh thinking she’d read the entire situation wrong.

Eventually after who knows how long (it could’ve been ten seconds, it could’ve been four minutes, I literally have no idea), Brendan said, “Uh, are you gonna answer me?”

“Mommy, why are you crying?” Winnie asked, on the verge of tears herself.

“I didn’t hear the question,” I said as I flapped my hand in Brendan’s waiting for him to put the ring on me.

“I said, ‘Will you marry me?’” he repeated.

“Oh em geeee. Yes! Of course!” I exclaimed.

“Really? Awesome,” he said and finally slid the ring on my finger. It was quite literally the most beautiful ring I have ever seen. Oval diamond with a halo and diamonds on the band. Huge.

“Let me see, let me seeeee!” Winnie demanded and then said, “Whoaaaa,” when I showed it to her.

Brendan got up and hugged and kissed me and said something to Winnie about how she “did good.” Insinuating that they were in cahoots or something. It may not have been the extravagant or over the top proposal that I imagined, but if they planned it together then that kind of touched my practically nonexistent heart.

“I’m literally so surprised. I did not see this coming,” I said.

“Really? No wayyy,” Brendan said back skeptically, not believing me. Like he thought I was expecting it or something, but I’m not sure why that would be the case. He gave me literally no indication that he was about to propose to me! I don’t know, I guess I just thought he would make it such a big deal that I would see it coming from a mile away. Like, I’d spent basically the entire day with my ex and now here I was engaged to my new man.

To be clear, I am not complaining at all, I am just expressing my feelings about the whole thing. And now that I’ve had time to think about it — I don’t know what a better proposal could’ve been. Especially once we all calmed down and went down to the kitchen where Brendan had apparently put all of us his set up efforts. There were red and white roses, sushi from the place we always order from, chilled wine and champagne, a cheesecake, and even a tiny gold bracelet for Winnie so she would have a special piece of jewelry too. I could cry! And especially when I was reiterating later how surprised I was by the whole thing and Brendan said that he’d been wanting to propose for a while, but apparently I’d previously told him that I can’t get engaged to someone I don’t live with. And so that’s why he waited until we were officially living together to actually do it. He always takes what I say to heart — like I’d say no to a proposal if we weren’t living together yet!

So we spent the night with just the three us (and not at Brendan’s parents, who he didn’t even tell what was happening beforehand) and even though I felt like I was hallucinating on shrooms or something, I kind of loved it for us. Plus, wasn’t I the one bitching in my head about how I just wanted a chill night at home with the three of us? And that’s exactly what I got. I don’t know, he just always gets me.

I’m sorry to cut this so short, but I am currently sick in bed with a child who is also sick and has a birthday coming up. I expected to share this news in a more exciting post, but I am basically clinging to life at this point and I just wanted to get something out there so y’all know I am still alive (for now). I’ll come back with more details soon, I obviously have so much more to say. Love you all!

Finding out that Brady and Caroline got married + going on a weeks-long partying spree with my 20-something coworkers may have seemed correlated, but they were definitely not. After my wild Friday night, I knew enough was enough and I needed to hang my high heels back up. I forced myself out of bed at 9 the next morning, even though I felt like shit and had been painfully puking my guts up a few hours before.

First I FaceTimed my baby to check in with her and then I called Brendan to make sure I still had a boyfriend after all that.

“Hey,” he answered.

“Oh hi! How’s your morning? What are you doing?” I asked cheerfully.

He told me that he’d done his morning workout, gotten a massage, ran some errands for work, and had just picked up groceries for the week. He’d probably been up for hours already.

I’m like, “Aww, that’s nice! Do you want to see me now?”

“Yes,” Brendan said. I love how decisive he is sometimes!

I told him that I needed time to get ready then I was coming over. And then I took a very long and thorough shower to scrub off all the grime and shame from the night before. I did not need Brendan telling me that I smelled like a bar (again). A full skincare routine was required since I obviously didn’t wash my face the night before. I was miraculously having a good skin day even after binge drinking for 12 hours the day prior so I didn’t bother with makeup. I put on a matching two piece from Set Active and a sweatshirt with Birkenstocks and then slicked my wet hair back with a clip. And then I headed out for the 20 minute walk to Brendan’s!

Well, it’s 20 minutes on a typical day, but I decided on a leisurely pace since I was hungover and the fresh air felt nice. Plus, there were so many cute dogs and I’ve turned into that lady who is going to ask to pet your dog. I can’t help myself! And then I stopped and got an iced matcha latte with oat milk for myself and nothing for Brendan because he has a fancy espresso machine that he never even uses anyway so he’d be fine!

By the time I got to Brendan’s apartment, it was almost 1pm and I was excited to see my man, my man, my man! I let myself in and found Brendan lying on his couch watching TV.

“Jeez, I was starting to get worried,” he greeted me.

“I know, right!” I squealed and joined him on the couch.

He hugged me and kissed me and I told him all about my walk and the various dogs I met. Brendan and I have decided that we are going to adopt a dog in a year or so, but we have no clue what kind! I want one who is quiet, sweet, doesn’t stink, doesn’t shed and doesn’t mind a chaotic 5 year old who will most likely annoy the shit out of it. So we’ll see.

“Did you go out last night?” Brendan asked. I wondered if he could smell the alcohol emanating from my pores.

“Mmhm. Well, I just kind of stayed out after work,” I answered.

“What time did you get home?” he wanted to know. The tone wasn’t accusatory, but the question kind of seemed like it was. Or maybe I was just feeling guilty about staying out late and behaving in a way I knew he would not be okay with.

“Umm, I can’t remember. It was kind of late, I think,” I lied. There was no way I was going to admit to him that I’d stayed out drinking until 2am, especially when I already felt like he was judging me.

“Okay,” Brendan said and did not press further.

I made him tell me about his night which apparently consisted of getting a drink with some friends at a bar and then going back to Kendall’s apartment to play video games. Brendan lowkey loves a video game which is adorable to me. Like, it’s so harmless. Brendan also loves to makeout (which I should’ve known by the way he accosted me in the back of a restaurant to make out at his dad’s birthday party — good times!) so that’s what we did for a while. Sometimes I think Brendan would get in my skin with me if he could, which is the correct level of obsession I’m looking for in a relationship. Physical touch is definitely his love language (mine is all of the above).

We laid there watching TikTok videos for quite literally four hours until Brendan reminded me that his sister was having people over and he wanted to start getting ready for that. He’d told me several times throughout the week about the little shindig at his sister’s apartment, but I always immediately forgot because I do not care about her. It also didn’t seem like I was necessarily invited (which is fine since Danielle is my nemesis) so I continued laying there on the couch.

“You wanna come with me?” Brendan asked.

“Okay fine,” I said and hopped up too. Brendan may be obsessed with me, but I am just as obsessed with him and now that we were together I didn’t want to leave his side. I’d even endure his annoying fucking sister for a few hours.

While Brendan got dressed, I dug through his dresser drawers until I found a pair of wide leg white jeans that I’ve been missing for months so I wouldn’t show up to the party in biker shorts (not that I really cared). I was having a good skin day, but I didn’t want to look DEAD so I put on some mascara and tinted moisturizer. And then I draped my sweatshirt over my shoulders, slid my Birks back on and I was ready to go! What can I say? I may seem high maintenance and fussy, but I can always pull myself together on the fly. Brendan grabbed a bottle of wine from his collection and then we headed over.

Danielle’s apartment is over in the West Village somewhere. It’s a nice place, but I was honestly shocked by how tiny it was. I know this is New York, but still. I thought they were all rich.

But anyway, Danielle actually gave me a hug and said, “Thanks for coming,” when we walked in. I was shocked considering: 1. she did not invite me and 2. she’s made it pretty clear that she doesn’t really enjoy my company. I don’t particularly enjoy her company either, but I can pretend and I appreciated her pretending. She looked cute in a little baby doll dress that was kind of sexy on her and was she wearing eyeliner? Maybe getting a boyfriend was changing her for the better.

The boyfriend was obviously there, who I am just going to call Jason for continuity purposes. I like him, I think. I will say that from what I can tell Brendan was much more warm and welcoming to him than Danielle was with me so I hope everyone took notice. And Jason is definitely nicer to me than Danielle has ever been, but I’m starting to wonder if she has some sort of personality disorder.

The other people who were there were: Danielle’s friend, Neesha, who I am actually obsessed with. She’s tall, thin, stunningly gorgeous and the first thing I noticed about her was the fat ass sparkling rock on her finger. I found out that she’s an attorney and I’m like, “Oh my gawd, my best friend is an attorney!” and tried to think of literally anything Kendra has told me about her job in the past to have something to talk about. Tbh, I don’t even know if Kendra works anymore — we haven’t had a meaningful conversation in years and the last I heard, she wanted to take some time off away from her career.

There was also Neesha’s fiancé or husband or whoever, Danielle’s two boring friends who are always around and some of Jason’s engineering coworkers. I guess the premise for the party was “game night” which I probably would’ve known if I’d listened to Brendan at all and I would have declined tagging along. We played card games and drank wine and I took it upon myself to connect my music to the speaker because I was absolutely not going to sit there listening to nonstop Taylor Swift.

Danielle is insufferable. Have you ever met someone who is so painfully self aware that it’s exhausting? One of the friends was telling a story about how she kept seeing the same man on her commute to work and then she matched with the same man on a dating app.

“OH MY GOD, you matched with him?! I would never do that,” Danielle exclaimed. “That’s so embarrassing!”

It’s literally not. She thinks everything is so embarrassing. Neesha (a girl’s girl, ofc) encouraged the friend to message the guy and told adorable stories about how she made the first move with her man. Danielle’s like, “Are you kidding me? That’s so embarrassing, I would never make the first move!” Of course she wouldn’t. It even goes beyond dating/relationships. I guess she’s been in her new/current apartment for a few months and she has a ton of packages piling up, but hadn’t picked them up because she’s too embarrassed to ask anyone at the front desk where the package delivery room is.

I said, “I doubt anyone at the front desk gives a fuck about you so don’t be embarrassed.”

“Heyyy!” Brendan laughed and nudged me.

I obviously didn’t mean to sound like such a bitch, but I truly could not handle her being embarrassed by everything. And don’t get me started on all of her weird food aversions that sound a lot like an ED. Grow up! So I’m guessing I won’t be invited back to game night again anytime soon. Which is FINE.

Winnie recently started kindergarten. As you can imagine, I was an inconsolable mess and had to take sick days for her first two days because I was so distraught. My little freaking baby!!! I just love her so much. By the second week of school though, I’d already gotten a phone call at work letting me know that Winnie had snipped a lock of Penelope’s hair off. Obviously Winnie shouldn’t have done that and probably deserved punishment, but why exactly was my not-even-5 year old walking around with scissors unattended? And perhaps beauty school will be her calling; we’ll have to keep an eye on that.

Before the school year started, Winnie’s school had an orientation night — the same as last year — to meet the teachers and other parents. Last year I took Brendan with me, but this year he didn’t come because we were leaving that Thursday for a birthday trip for yours truly and he really needed to stay on top of work. Obviously I would’ve liked him to be there with me and the whole “working late” thing was triggering in and of itself, but I trust my man and I’d rather he deal with work now so we could enjoy our vacation.

Only about half of Winnie’s class last year moved on to kindergarten so there were a lot of new parents to meet. Just like last year, I was greeted at the door with a glass of wine and the kids’ headshots were plastered all over the classroom. Why yes, I did have the photographer take some headshots of Winnie when she did her photoshoot over the summer so we could display them in the classroom! She wasn’t the only one with a professional headshot, but hers was obviously the best.

I wondered if Brady and Caroline were going to show up. I assumed he’d gotten the invite, but he didn’t tell me if they were coming or not. I didn’t care obviously, but I hadn’t seen Caroline since they got married. She’d posted an Instagram with the caption, “Hello husband” and a bunch of pictures of them on their month-long excursion. Because I wanted it to be very clear that I have no issue with her or their marriage, I commented: “Omg congrats!!!” And then she “liked” my comment, but didn’t comment back like she did on the hundreds of other comments she got. So I was actually kind of eager to run into her to see if she’d say anything.

Winnie’s friend, Olivia, is in her class again and her parents were there so I mostly hung out with them. I met another single mom who I love named Drew, who is a lesbian and works in finance. After speaking to her for a little bit, I’m like, “K, let’s exchange numbers because you have to meet my friends Erika and Jasmine [my adult friends].”

Eventually Brady showed up, alone. I saw him from afar at first and watched as he introduced himself to Winnie’s teacher and then they had what looked like a small conversation about the classroom. I made a beeline for the wine table and then ran to find Drew so I could look busy and popular.

“Hello,” Brady said, appearing next to me.

“Oh, hi!” I said back, kinda shocked that he was actually speaking to me. He noticeably did not have any wine and had his left hand in his pocket. “Where’s Caroline?”

“She had to work,” he answered.

“Oh.”

I was really looking forward to seeing her so I could prove how much I do not have an issue with her.

“Yep,” Brady said.

“Brendan is working too,” I told him in case he was wondering.

“Cool.”

We stood there in silence for a moment (Drew had wandered off) and then Brady said, “You look nice.”

I mean, obviously. Like, I’d actually tried. I was wearing straight leg jeans, boots by Ganni, and an oversized button up by Anine Bing. Classy. Cutesy. Dare I say demure?

“Thanks.”

“Winnie’s picture turned out well,” Brady said, gesturing to the headshot. “I figured you’d try to outdo last year’s.”

“Oh my god, you didn’t even get to see our photo shoot!” I exclaimed and whipped out my phone to show him. Between their month-long trip, his mom calling me, and starting school, I guess I just hadn’t gotten the chance to show him Winnie’s pictures.

“Is she not the cutest thing you’ve ever seen!?” I screamed and I swiped through the photos.

“Yes, she’s pretty cute,” Brady said.

“Does she look like me or you?” I asked. Winnie has Brady’s bright blue eyes, his very straight, perfect nose and baby fine hair so thin that it can barely hold itself in a ponytail, but has my mouth/big smile and face shape/overall look since she’s a girl. Right? That’s what I always tell myself.

“Umm, I don’t know,” Brady said, studying me.

“But wait! You didn’t see these,” I said and scrolled to the pictures that had me in them. Winnie and I looked a lot more alike when we were side by side and wearing the same color.

Brady laughed. “Aww. You look cute.”

“I know, right?” Of course I did. That was the point, wasn’t it? But why was I starting to blush at him calling me cute? “I’ll send you some copies once they’re printed.”

There was a lull in our conversation and I was about to excuse myself to get away from him to get more wine and Brady said, “So where are you going away on your trip? Winnie mentioned the beach?”

Oh, did she? Big mouth! We were, in fact, taking the quickest little jaunt to Spain where there probably was a beach, but we were going for the 5-star resort, fresh air, and local cuisine that hopefully wouldn’t give me food poisoning!

“I’m actually not sure! It’s a birthday surprise!” I fibbed. What? Brady had gone out of his way not to tell me where his month-long trip was to so why should I tell him about our trip? And if you thought he’d demand to know where we were taking his child, you would be wrong! He doesn’t care, I guess, which is wild to me.

Eventually I was ready to leave and told Brady that I was going to say goodbye to everyone. Everyone meaning: Winnie’s teacher, Olivia’s parents and my new friend, Drew, who I already had brunch plans with. Brady half heartedly offered me a ride home, which I guess was nice, but I was not interested in being in a vehicle with him. Plus, I was taking a car to pick up Winnie from a playdate and I didn’t want to open that can of worms.

Anyway! So Brendan and I are supposed to be moving in together “at the end of the summer.” I think to both of us that meant around my birthday/Labor Day, but Winnie and I are still in our little apartment. I guess I’m dragging my feet. I just know that *actually* living together is going to change our relationship dynamic and I’m so nervous about that! And I don’t technically have to be out of my apartment until October 15 so I have time even though Brendan has been hassling me about it. The other night he asked if I changed my mind and it’s just like, dude! We’ll get there! The summer isn’t even over yet if you think about it. So anyway, maybe I’ll get around to moving this weekend or something. Especially since I’ve decided that I do want another baby (soon) and that’s my current obsession. Bye!!

Brady would be traveling for basically the entire month of July meaning that I would have a month of uninterrupted time with my baby girl! I tried to ask Brady where he was traveling to and his answer was, “A lot of places.” So he obviously didn’t want me to know where he was going. That was cool because I didn’t actually care, I was just curious/nosy. As you know, Brady and I don’t talk much — especially after I falsely accused Caroline of being pregnant. And since we don’t have to see each other at drop offs, I hadn’t seen him in a while and was mostly keeping up with them via Caroline’s Instagram (which rarely includes updates about Brady).

Anyway! Winnie and I spent the 4th of July with Brendan and his family. His dad and stepmom were having people over for a barbecue and to watch the fireworks in the evening. All of the usuals were there (Brendan’s extended family, some of Margot’s friends, etc). But a couple of months ago Brendan told me that he and his parents were going to a special dinner to meet Danielle’s new boyfriend. I felt some type of way about that because there was no special dinner to meet me — I just happened to be invited to birthday dinners where Brendan’s family happened to be.

I guess everything went well because Danielle’s boyfriend was at the 4th of July barbecue also. He was actually so hot — he was tall and looked like Janet’s husband from the Valley. Except more polished and better looking. Tbh, I was quite impressed that Danielle pulled such a hottie since I’ve always found her to be rather bland, boring and off putting. Undeserved, but good for her. You’d think having a hot new boytoy would make Danielle more pleasant, but she was still acting like speaking to me physically pained her. So whatever. I would speak to her cute boyfriend instead.

That weekend, Brendan, Winnie and I went to their family cabin — just the three of us. We haven’t really done that and it was actually fun! I’m not historically a cabin kinda girl, but we basically just sat in and around the pool, ate the delicious food Brendan provided, watched silly movies like Trolls, and made s’mores.

I took some time off work to spend with Winnie which was much needed. We did cultural things around the city (I even went on a ferry, if you can imagine), had a day at the spa and did some back to school shopping in New Jersey. Oh and Winnie also did a little photo shoot to commemorate her summer before starting school with one of Lola’s photographer friends. It obviously turned out really cute and this is embarrassing, but I jumped in some of the pictures (just for the memories) so basically we had a mommy and me photoshoot.

It was when we were at the old school shopping mall in New Jersey that I got a strange phone call. Take a wild guess who it was. I’ll wait.

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It was Brady’s mother! I haven’t talked to that woman in so long — I’m talking years — but when I saw her name pop up, I had to answer. Because I was curious, but also because Brady was traveling with little access to his phone so what if she was calling to tell me that something had gone wrong? What if his body had washed up on some beach and she was there to identify it and was now breaking the news?

“Hi,” I answered.

“Oh! Hello,” Brady’s mom said. “I was prepared to leave a message.”

This was her way of throwing shade since I haven’t answered a call from her in years. She stopped calling eventually and I haven’t had a single thought about her. I assumed Brady was keeping in touch with her because it’s his mom, after all.

“How are you?” I asked.

“I’m fine,” she said. “I haven’t been able to get ahold of my son. I don’t suppose you’ve heard from him?”

“Brady?” I clarified. Obviously she was talking about Brady, but she does have two sons so why was she saying it like that? And this was several weeks into his little excursion so it was crazy to me that 1. he hadn’t told her and 2. it had been several weeks and she was just now reaching out to see if he was okay. “No, he’s traveling for the month and doesn’t have his phone.”

“That’s good to know,” she said in her passive aggressive/condescending kind of way. “Anyhow, I would like to see my granddaughter before the fall, and I don’t know if Brady told you, but we have a trip planned with my sister Kat in November and I’d like her to be there.”

“I’m sure that will be fine,” I said.

“I was thinking that I could see her this coming weekend for two days. We won’t go far, but I have some gifts to give her and I’d like to spend some time with her,” she said.

“Yeah, perhaps. I need to check our schedule to make sure we have nothing planned.” We obviously didn’t have any plans except to torment Brendan, but the way she was saying “my granddaughter” and referring to Winnie as “her” like she forgot her name was rubbing me the wrong way.

“Of course. I wouldn’t expect you to drop everything for me,” she said in a way that made me think she did expect me to drop everything.

We hung up and the more I thought about it, the more I wanted to say no. I know it sounds mean, but I just had an icky gut feeling about Winnie being alone with Brady’s mom. It’s one thing if they were all hanging out, but I did not like the idea of Brady’s mom infecting Winnie’s brain with all of her troublesome views and ideas. So later on, I texted her letting her know that Winnie and I actually did have plans (we didn’t) and she could coordinate with Brady when he got back if she wanted to see Winnie. She did not reply.

A couple weeks later, Brady called me to let me know that he was finally back from his trip.

I’m like, “OMG, welcome back! How was it? What was your favorite part?!”

Brady and I definitely aren’t friendly or friends, but I think I was just relieved that he was still alive. He was vague with his answer and said something like, “Yeah, it was fine. Nothing special or anything to write home about.”

Clearly. We agreed that I’d drop Winnie off to reunite with him the following morning. Despite my concerns of her forgetting that he exists, Winnie was super excited to go back to her dad’s and to spend a week with him. She went around her room and packed up her favorite toys, books and clothings pieces to take with her.

So the next morning Winnie and I hopped our happy asses in the car to Brady’s house. I didn’t actually care to hear about his trip at all, but I wanted to let him know that his mother had contacted me and possibly guilt him for not telling her where he was going. Why was she coming to me of all people to inquire about his whereabouts when we historically have not gotten along?

Brady met us outside and I hopped out with Winnie to watch their reunion and catch up. You know Miss Winnie had a ton to catch him up on. Brady actually hugged me too which was unexpected, but I wasn’t upset about it. And because it’s me, I checked him out while he held Winnie. I’m like, oh he’s looking pretty good — kinda muscular by his standards and like he got some sun. And then I clocked something.

“Wait, is that a wedding ring? Did you get married?!” I blurted out.

“What?” Brady said, stalling.

I just blinked at him. He fucking heard me.

“We did, yes,” he finally said. “I was waiting to tell you both in person.”

“Woooow,” was all I could muster. I literally didn’t have any words.

“What?” he said back all defensively.

“Nothing, that’s just…so crazy,” I said. “I thought you were like, backpacking through South America or something, not getting married.”

“The point of the trip wasn’t to get married. We decided at the last minute—”

I interrupted him. “And what’s the rush? You haven’t even been engaged for a year. Was there a wedding? I thought y’all were planning a wedding and stuff.”

“You know I’m not really into the wedding thing,” he said.

“I thought you weren’t into the marriage thing either, but here we are,” I said.

Brady (and Winnie) gave me a funny look. “Why are you so upset about it? If you wanted to go off and marry Brendan, I would have no issue with that.”

“I’M NOT UPSET!” I screamed. The nerve! “I just think it’s really weird that you went and got married — to this girl you barely know — and didn’t say anything, not even to your own child!”

“I told you that it wasn’t something that was really planned! Otherwise obviously I would’ve told you!” Brady said back, getting louder with me.

“Yeah, I’m so sure!” I said sarcastically. “The way you’re handling all of this is so weird, but who’s surprised? It doesn’t take any effort to just say: ‘My girlfriend and I are probably going to elope on this trip so don’t be shocked if we come back married.’ You deliberately kept us out of the loop and it’s actually really screwed up!”

Winnie, who had been silently taking all this in from Brady’s arms, said, “Mommy, stop it.”

So I guess I was going a little hard.

“Okay, I’m sorry. I’m just really caught off guard,” I explained.

Brady and Winnie ignored me while they discussed her overnight bag and went back to the car to get it. He eventually put Winnie down and she hugged me before going into the house. Then he turned back to me to talk about if he was going to drop her back off or if I wanted to pick her up.

“I’m really not upset, by the way. I don’t care if you and Caroline go off and have 8 kids on a farm or if you divorce in a month. I just think it would be nice if you thought of your daughter sometimes,” I said.

Brady gave me another weird look. “Of course I think of her, but okay sure, Reese. Are you reacting this way because you don’t like Cara?”

What the fuck?

“What? I like Cara. I barely know her, but I like her just fine,” I said.

“Okay, it doesn’t seem like it and she has expressed that to me that she doesn’t feel that way. So for your daughter’s sake, I ask that you at least pretend to like her because she isn’t going anywhere.”

I was thisclose to losing my fucking shit.

“I told you I like her! What’s not clicking?!” I screamed.

“Okay,” Brady said.

“Congratulations on your fucking wedding and marriage, I hope you live happily ever after!” I went on.

“Okay, Reese. You can stop now,” he said.

The entire interaction really got under my skin. I genuinely do not care about Brady and his love life — I’m very happy in my own relationship with my man who is better (for me) in every way. I was just pissed that he was going out and making huge life decisions with little to no regard for his daughter, whose life it would be affecting too. And I super didn’t appreciate the whole narrative that Caroline was trying to spin — I have been nothing, but nice and polite to the girl (besides telling her truthfully that Brady is a cheater because he is and it’s not my fault that she chose not to believe me). And do you know the absolute craziest part? The next week I went to pick Winnie up in Connecticut and Brady barely acknowledged me. And then later that night, he texted me to say, “You looked nice today.” Absolute sociopath.

I started hanging out with some of the girls in the office: Haylee, my favorite iPad baby who just turned 22, Olivia (not to be confused with Winnie’s friend with the same name. I’ll call her Liv if it’s easier), a sweet 27 year old from Pennsylvania, and Chanel, a bitchy NYC nepo baby. They talked me into happy hour one summer Friday and I reluctantly agreed, but told them I could only stay out for a couple of drinks.

You can probably guess that I didn’t only have two drinks and definitely stayed out well past my curfew. Someone told the bartender it was my 25th birthday and he believed them and provided lemon drop shots all night (like I truly was turning 25). They are all obsessed with me and all of my stories and wisdom. They’re all in different situationships across the spectrum of seriousness and I gave out unsolicited advice all night like, “That’s a classic fuckboy move. Don’t reply to him and I will bet my entire life he’s going to text you tomorrow night,” and “He’s walking on eggshells because he doesn’t know what you want. So just be direct with him because obviously he likes you.”

Over the next few days, they all let me know that everything I said was going to happen, happened and they wanted advice on absolutely everything and I gave it out despite my vow not to give out relationship advice. These girls needed help and they were my little pupils. We started going to happy hour every Friday where we’d bitch about work and our coworkers, talk about pop culture and influencers and I’d sometimes sprinkle in stories from my past (these girls haven’t lived long enough to have the same experiences). And since Brendan doesn’t always take half days and Brady picks Winnie up on Fridays, I had nothing but time for drinking and gabbing.

So I guess it didn’t really occur to me that I haven’t had a solid friend group since I moved to New York. When Brady and I were together I just spent all my time with him, then I had a baby and then immediately got with Brendan, who I started spending all of my time with. So I don’t know, I guess it was nice to actually have girl friends to hang out with. Plus, Brendan always has a full schedule — whether he’s working or getting dinner with an old friend from school or helping his sister rearrange her apartment — he’s always doing things. But still, we spend a lot of time together — mainly because I’m always available for him. Then I started hanging out with my new friends and I was no longer always available. Obviously I’m obsessed with him and want to spend every minute with him, but he’d be like, “I’m going to go to the cabin with my dad, but then I’m coming right back so I should be free around 8. Do you wanna hang out then?” And it’s like, I already have plans, my dude!

It started to happen…a lot. Main reasons being: it was Hayley’s birthday and she was having a big bash that I couldn’t miss, we were meeting Chanel’s situationship out and I needed to see him to whip him into shape, a little pub has half price bottles of wine so we needed to check that out, Liv started dating a DJ so we all went to his show and so on. Don’t even tell me that I’m too old for this shit because I’m well aware, but as a former party girl, I think I was enjoying reliving my glory days.

Even though Brendan and I spend time together on weeknights, by the time we get off work, have dinner, hang out with Winnie for a bit, it’s time for bed. And sometimes Brendan “works late” or has plans on weeknights so it’s not like our lack of time together was all my fault.

One Friday morning, Brendan called me at work. He said he wanted to make reservations for us at this restaurant later that night, but would I be available to go?

I’m like, “Yah maybe. I’m obviously going to happy hour at 2:30 so it depends on how late that goes.”

“Okay…” he said. “Do you plan on making time for me at all this weekend?”

Excuse me? I guess he was fed up with me not being completely open and available for him.

“Maybe if you’re not a baby about it!” I said back. Just because I wasn’t available at the exact times he was available didn’t mean I wasn’t making time for him and it was actually quite rude of him to insinuate that. He lives a full and happy life outside of me and I can’t exactly say the same for myself.

“Okay, forget it then. Nevermind,” Brendan said.

“Oh my God, we can go to dinner tomorrow, probably,” I said.

“I’m busy tomorrow. I’m hanging out with my sister,” he said and the irony was completely lost on him.

So we hung up and he didn’t follow up about dinner.

Later on, the girls and I headed to happy hour and sat outside drinking white wine and eating pita and hummus. We talked through Chanel’s situationship and came to the conclusion that it was over so she was suddenly on the prowl. I’m like, “Perfect! What’s your type? I’m an excellent wing woman.”

She told me her very specific type and after several drinks at the first place, we hopped in an Uber to go downtown. At this point it was getting dark and we ordered rosé and sat by the window so we could see all the comings and goings of the establishment. We didn’t stay long as Hayley broke a wine glass and caused a scene and it was all very dramatic. Plus we all decided that we wanted to dance. We got upstairs to the next place and I immediately ordered a vodka Red Bull for $30. So…that’s where the night was headed.

Things I remember:

1. Chanel pointing to a group of guys who were decidedly her type, dragging her to the dancefloor to meet them; telling them that she looks mean and is mean, but she’s fun.
2. Meeting Lucas, Anthony, Jimmy and Matt, who were all under 26 years old and didn’t understand half of my references and cannot remember 9/11.
3. Dancing, gabbing with the young boys and pounding aperol spritzes out of plastic cups.
4. Liv getting sick and going home.
5. Suggesting another venue where they played old school hip hop so I could show these youngsters a good time; walking to the next place with Lucas’ arm around me.
6. Dancing more. Shots. Meeting another group of men even younger than the first.
7. Lucas with his hands on my hips and telling me that I do not look 34. (TYSM)
8. Meeting a beautiful, stunning girl who looked like a 00’s Devon Aoki and demanding to be Instagram friends with her.
9. Another aperol spritz.
10. Hayley going home.
11. Finding a group of fellow millennials to appreciate Ludacris when he came on.
12. Dancing very closely with Lucas.
13. Going to the bathroom stall with Chanel and asking, “Am I being bad? I feel like I’m being bad.” She let me know that I wasn’t and my next concern was getting out of the stall so we weren’t kicked out for doing coke (we weren’t).
14. Green tea shots.
15. More dancing.
16. Facetime-ing Brendan because Jay-Z came on. No answer.
17. Sitting on the circular bench in the middle of the dancefloor to text Brendan…
18. Lucas joining me on the bench in the middle of the dancefloor, petting me and nuzzling my neck; telling me to put my phone away to dance with him.
19. Screaming at Lucas and him telling me I’m cute when I’m mad (ew).
20. Rounding the troops to go to the next venue, sweet talking a doorman to let us bypass the ridiculous line and giving the doorman my number.
21. Crowding around a bar and meeting another guy who was closer to my age; exchanging numbers with him.
22. Having a deep conversation with another guy about gun control; exchanging numbers with him.
23. Tacos.

I got home after 2 AM (which I know because I texted our group to let them know I was home) which is insane because we’d been out since 2:30 that afternoon. I was still in my work attire and still had all of my work stuff with me including my laptop which miraculously made it home with me in one piece. I woke up a few hours later at 4 AM to barf up all the wine, aperol, vodka, Red Bull, shots and tacos. It was disgusting. And then a few hours after that, I woke up again with a bunch of missed calls, texts and Facetimes from all of the random men I’d given my number to. Like what the fuck is wrong with me? I was obviously not in the slightest bit interested in any of them so I blocked them all and pretended it didn’t happen.

So after that little bender, I’ve decided to lay low. I can’t even go to happy hour anymore without feeling ashamed and embarrassed so I’m back to spending all of my time with Brendan.

Mike sent me to Chicago for a conference all by my lonesome in June. I’m sure Mike loves that he can trust me to do things on my own and actually get stuff done. Paige was always pretty good at talking, but rarely moved the needle in regards to…really anything. I wonder how she’s doing.

So anyway, Mike said he was too busy to go to Chicago so he asked me to go instead and gave me a list of things he wanted done while I was there. All of it seemed extremely doable, but on my way out of his office he said, “And take Scott to dinner too, please. It’ll be my treat.”

I’m like, uh?? Mike is so clueless when it comes to interpersonal relationships — on what planet would I take Scott to dinner? If anything, he should be taking me to dinner, but I had no plans of seeing that man while I was in Chicago.

Brendan also decided that he was too busy to make the trip so he sent Miguel instead. And since Miguel can’t do anything on his own, Gigi came with him. And since Gigi was coming, Izzy was coming too.

My parents flew in to stay in my apartment and take care of Winnie since I was going to be in Chicago for 4 days. I thought it was an excellent idea and since they were offering, I would definitely take them up on it. Did I tell y’all that my dad is retiring next year? So they’ve been discussing what they want to do after he retires and where they want to retire to. My dad has ideas like South Carolina or San Diego, but my mother seems to think New York would be a nice, relaxing place for them to move to. It just doesn’t seem realistic to me and I can’t imagine them (her) living so close. I haven’t lived near my mother in 10+ years and while it would be nice to have them around for babysitting purposes, I can’t imagine it would be worth it. As y’all know, boundaries are non-existent to my mother and she would completely exploit our living arrangements in the worst way.

So anyway, I flew to Chicago on Sunday afternoon for the welcome networking event. I wasn’t particularly enthused about going since none of my friends would be there, but there was going to be an open bar and that was enough for me. Plus I knew it was going to be filled with girls and gays so I was looking forward to a night of gossiping and gabbing.

My mom sent non-stop texts, videos and pictures documenting their stay. By Sunday night, she’d already taken it upon herself to deep clean the kitchen and fill it with food (Winnie and I don’t typically keep much food in the home) and go through the apartment to find enough clothing for a single load of laundry which she strung all over the house to dry since she wasn’t sure if I wanted them in the dryer. It was all a lot and I was so glad to be missing that.

Monday was busy with presentations, panels, workshops, a luncheon, etc. In the evening, I met up with Miguel, Gigi and Izzy for drinks near the hotel. I hadn’t seen them at all during the day at the conference which I later found out was because they skipped most of it. Just wait until Brendan found out about this! The bar we went to was near deserted and Gigi and Izzy started in on their incessant squawking like they do — really giving the city pigeons outside a run for their money. They were up running in circles around the bar while Miguel and I sat there talking like adults. He wanted to talk about baseball and the Cubs and since I’ve been to a Cubs game or two I pretended to know what I was talking about.

I’m like, “My ex was obsessed with the Cubs so he dragged me to the games with him sometimes. Have I told you about my ex, Brady? He’s my baby daddy?”

Obviously I’d mentioned Brady on an occasion or two to Miguel, but he’s polite and said no so I could explain my backstory over lots of drinks.

“First I have to tell you about Carly. She’s the whitest person I know. She’s from Rockford,” I said.

“Makes sense,” Miguel said.

I went into very graphic detail about the beginning and middle of me and Brady’s relationship and Miguel listened and interjected at the right parts.

“No offense,” he said at one point, while I was in the middle of an animated story about a night out. “But he sounds like a fucking dick. I don’t get the vibe that he was that into you.”

“Well, I get that now! Obviously!” I screamed. What did I say about Miguel being polite? I take that back.

“But it doesn’t sound like you were that into him either,” he backtracked.

“No, I was totally in love with him,” I clarified.

Then Miguel started telling me insane stories that made everything I’d previously said seem really sane and not out of the ordinary in the slightest. Miguel has apparently lived 14 lives. He’s like, “I got held at gunpoint because I was somewhere I wasn’t supposed to be in Colombia, but on that same trip I had a sexual encounter with two sex workers so it was worth it!”

“This place is wack,” Izzy said abruptly. “Chicago sucks. Is there anywhere else we could go, Reese?”

“I mean, it’s Monday night,” I said, offended on behalf of my beloved city. And I was kind of loving the lowkey quiet vibes of the empty bar. Did these bitches think we were in Vegas or something? What were they expecting?

But still, I was not about to let them slander Chicago without getting the full experience. Uncultured little twats. So I called an Uber to take us to a hotel bar that I know gets rowdy and plays hip hop and R&B music. It was filled with tall, but ugly men so Gigi and Izzy were satisfied. Miguel and I squeezed into some seats at the bar together so we could continue talking.

I’m like, “I used to come here with my old boss. We had a little fling or whatever before I found out his wife was pregnant.”

“His wife? I feel like I missed a chapter,” Miguel said.

So I filled him in entirely on the backstory and basically gave him a speedrun of my career journey. At the end, he said something like, “Ah, you like ‘em married. It all makes sense then.”

What the fuck was that supposed to mean? I know he wasn’t insinuating that I got with Brendan while he was married and that’s why it all made sense. Brendan may have been married when we first met, but we didn’t get together until after he was divorced. And anyway, the last year or so of his marriage doesn’t even count if you ask me since it was borderline abusive on her part. Brendan sometimes lets it slip just how toxic their relationship ended. Apparently she made him cry once (you know he’s sensitive) and threatened physical harm. Insane considering she’s like 99 pounds and Brendan has all that trauma around his mom abusing his dad. It’s actually really upsetting to hear about it. So whatever Miguel was trying to say was completely not valid!

Eventually it was getting late and I told Miguel I was leaving.

“I’m gonna stay and make sure these two get home safely,” he said, gesturing to the bird sisters who were hounding a group of men at the other end of the bar. “Let’s get dinner tomorrow without the girls.”

“For sure!” I said and then got the fuck up out of there.

I had some missed calls and texts from Brendan, but I first wanted to call my mother to make sure everything was going well and Winnie got to sleep okay. One thing about Winnie — she will stay up all night if you let her.

“Hi sweetie,” my mom answered, with glee and enthusiasm despite the fact that it was after midnight New York time. “Winnie just got to sleep.”

“Just?” I repeated. “She’s usually in bed before 9.”

“Well, we were distracted and having fun. Brendan stopped by…” she said.

“What?” I screamed. “Why?!”

“He was just checking in. Is that a problem? He has manners. He stayed for dinner,” my mother continued.

“Oh my god and what did you say to him?” I said, trying not to go into full panic.

“What do you mean? We all talked and ate. He’s got a good head on his shoulders. He’s very nice.”

“Obviously!” I love how it had taken her this long to realize it. “I just don’t understand why he came over when I’m not there.”

“I guess he just wanted to see me and your dad. And Winnie too. She loves him, you know. If you decide to marry him someday, I think he will be a great father figure for when Brady isn’t around.”

“Well, I hope you didn’t scare him away,” I said bitchily.

“I didn’t,” she said back, equally bitchy. “I don’t understand what the big deal is and why you’re always trying to hide him from us.”

I was not about to argue with her and explain that actually I was hiding them from him because my mom is unpredictable and lacks boundaries and self awareness like I mentioned before, I have no idea where she is with her sobriety journey and when she gets drunk it is embarrassing and she has no filter and I didn’t want her to say something offensive to Brendan who is a very sensitive Pisces.

So we hung up and I called Brendan.

“Hey,” he answered affectionately and I just wished he was with me because I missed him and I wanted to squeeze him.

“I didn’t know you were going to my apartment,” I said.

“I know. I just stopped by to say hi on my way home. Sorry, I tried calling you,” he explained.

“And you stayed for dinner?” I asked, horrified.

“Well, your mom invited me to. She ordered Greek food.”

Of course she did! I made him tell me everything that happened from the moment he walked in the door and he went into detail like I like (“Your mom had glasses on, I don’t think I’ve seen her in glasses”) and probably sugar coated everything because it all sounded quite tame and normal.

At the end I said, “Okay, thanks for stopping by to say hi. I think my mom appreciated it, but you don’t have to bother doing that again.”

“Okay,” Brendan said, sounding slightly defeated.

I felt bad so I tried to explain. “You know it’s not about you. I told you, my mom is an actual insane person and I don’t want you to be subjected to that.”

“She’s really not, but okay. Understood,” he said.

We continued chatting for a little bit after that and I told him about the day, who I met and hanging out with Miguel, Gigi and Izzy. Brendan said something like, “I’m glad Miguel is keeping you company,” because he knows things are strictly friendly and professional between Miguel and me. And it’s like, yeah, Miguel has to keep me company since you’re sOoOo busy.

The following day was more of the same shit, but in the middle of the day I got a text from Scott.

“Surprised I haven’t bumped into you yet — heard you’re in town. What about drinks or dinner later?”

Yeah fucking right!! I didn’t reply to him obviously. Later on, I went to a conference happy hour and then I met Miguel at Gilt Bar for dinner. I was feeling myself after having approximately 4 midori sours at happy hour and slid into the curved booth next to Miguel. He complained that Gigi had ditched him during the day at the conference and he saw on Instagram that she and Izzy were out hiking around the city and not doing any kind of work. Of course I lectured him about how the sisters were going to continue doing whatever the fuck they wanted because he and Brendan allow it and they face no consequences or accountability. It’s totally not my business how Brendan chooses to run his company and I hardly ever give my opinion, but I couldn’t help myself.

We ordered a bottle of wine to split and I ordered a bit of everything since it was Mike’s “treat.” Sure, I was technically supposed to treat Scott, but I don’t like Scott.

So Miguel has always had this flirty sort of vibe with not just me, but everyone. And you know how I can be, especially once I start drinking. So I guess the conversation was a little bit flirtier than normal. But kind of like, not. Miguel is very hot and attractive, but I’m good friends with his wife and he works for my boyfriend and I know too much about him so I almost don’t even see him that way anymore. We sat side by side and he kept one arm draped over the back of the booth behind me. We ate pasta and meatballs and burrata and Miguel made some comment about how I can actually eat and that Jasmine eats like a bird. Again, I take back any mention of him being polite. We basically spent the entire dinner talking about our respective partners, Europe, college, food and the Cubs. Jasmine even FaceTimed and we chatted with her for a bit.

Dinner definitely felt kind of intimate, but also not, because it’s just Miguel. We got espresso martinis after we ate and I was definitely drunk and just saying whatever the fuck I wanted.

Miguel said, “So how about after this, you come up to my room for a nightcap?”

I blurted out, “No!” and laughed because clearly he was joking.

“You sure?” he said and this delusional man was dead serious. Did he really think I was going to agree to that?!

“Yeah! I already drank way too much and I need to get some sleep,” I said.

What did he mean by “nightcap” anyway? Was that a euphemism for something else? For what reason should I be drinking with Miguel, alone, in his hotel room? And did this have anything to do with the “you like them married” comment?

“Lightweight,” he said playfully, but I could tell he was surprised by the fact that I hadn’t agreed to it.

After we paid, we went outside and Miguel told me his plans of getting one last drink elsewhere. I told him that I was going to walk back to the hotel (insane idea, it was late and dark and I was drunk) and he said that Brendan would kill him if he let me do that. So he hadn’t forgotten Brendan exists? So why was he asking me to go back to this hotel room with him? Would Brendan not kill him for that too?

So anyway, he waited with me for my Uber, hugged me goodbye and then I proceeded to have a very graphic, very sexual dream about him that night.

Usually I wake up just before 6 am with Brendan next to me and I’m drenched in sweat. If you’ve ever shared the bed with a large man who runs hot, you know what I mean. He’s like a radiator. It doesn’t help that Brendan wants to be cuddling me at all times so I have to peel myself out of his grip so I can lean over to the side of the bed and chug water.

“I had a dream and you were in it,” Brendan says and then proceeds to tell me a useless story about the dream he had and I patiently wait for the part where yours truly comes in.

He finishes the story and I say, “Oh my god,” because truthfully I was only half listening. Brendan usually has a workout class around 7 am so we have a little bit of time before he needs to leave. He likes to make out like a teenager in the mornings (I’d rather not) which sometimes leads to more. On this particular morning Brendan has a boner and really wants me to know, but I ignore it because I don’t feel like doing anything.

Brendan gets up and leaves at 6:45 to go to his workout class and I shower, put on cargo pants, a cashmere cardigan and cap toe slingbacks by Veronica Beard.

I finally drag Winnie out of bed at 7:30 am. She now hates wake up time and has to be forced awake like a preteen. It takes her a full 15 minutes to get up and even after that, I help brush her teeth and brush her hair while her eyes are closed. Today my child is wearing a flouncy spring dress suitable for an extravagant birthday or tea party, leggings, and white cowgirl boots. She picked it out herself and has to be seen wearing it so I don’t care. We leave the house at 8:15 for the short walk to Winnie’s school. She prefers to eat breakfast at school with her friends and she has various snacks packed in her backpack.

After I drop Winnie off, I head back to my apartment to meet Brendan, who is going to drive me the few blocks to the office. It’ll be so much easier once we live together, but I love our additional time together in the mornings. On the drive, Brendan usually plays music by some New York based rapper and tells me his relationship to the album/song. Brendan is a big east coast rap/hip hop buff if you didn’t know.

He’s like, “This is from Jay-Z’s 6th album and it came out on September 11, 2001. It’s the only album I listened to for 3 years.”

And, “Kendall and I used to sit in Washington Square Park and listen to this Wu-Tang album on loop.”

Adorable.

I’m like, “Speaking of music geniuses. Not a lot of people know this, but Paris Hilton came out with an album in 2006 and it’s a certified banger!”

I arrive at the office just before 9:30 am. I work in a large building with 40+ floors and lots of different companies so people watching in the lobby is always fun. And the morning door guy, Marc, is in love with me. He had the nerve to ask me out once (even though I’m sure he’s seen me with Brendan before) and I was taken aback and offended that he thought he even had a chance with me. Where do straight men always find this audacity? He’s like 60 years old and always tells me about his college-aged daughter and his other various offspring and I don’t know, what made him think to ask me out? What have I done to make him think that I was interested? So now I’m polite, but short and he always finds an excuse to chat with me longer. He’s like, “We have an extra copy of the paper. Do you want to take it?” or “I have a free lunch coupon from the restaurant down the block. Why don’t you take it and have lunch on me? 😉”

There’s a bunch of hot men in suits walking in at the same time as me on this particular morning and Marc makes a big show of shouting, “There she is!” and then fist bumps me so they all know that we are close.

I get upstairs to my computer and do all of my morning checks: email, outstanding invoices, outstanding shipments, Instagram. Some chatty coworkers stop by to say hello, but I’m mostly left alone.

Mike arrives just after 10 am and I can tell by the way he let the entrance door shut that his energy is off and he’s in a bad mood. So I will not be speaking to him until he speaks to me.

I get through all of my emails, leaving the ones I’m not ready to reply to unopened. I’ve found out that there are some really strange people on this planet who have read receipts on their emails and they will not be ashamed to call you out for opening it and not responding, and I’m just not ready for that kind of drama today.

I take a break to go down the hall to chat with a 21 year old intern named — get this: Hayley —  who is the most Gen Z person I know. She speaks exclusively in TikTok slang (brainrot), but I like her. She shows all signs of being an iPad baby. We’re into similar things; we just have different reference points. For example, we’re both into iconic pop girlies. For me, it’s: Beyoncé, Rihanna, Ariana Grande, Gaga, etc. Whereas Hayley prefers Sabrina Carpenter, Billie Eilish, Olivia Rodrigo and Lana del Rey (to be fair, I think Lana is more my gen, but still). But one of the most interesting things about Hayley is how influenced she is to buy things. Anytime she makes a purchase, it’s because someone on TikTok told her to. For example, she saw some influencer talking about Kourtney K’s Lemme gummy vitamins and she immediately went to the website and ordered the entire collection without doing any additional research and expected it to change her life! She’s not even familiar with Kourtney as a Kardashian/Barker/celebrity and it’s just so fascinating to me from a marketing perspective how she doesn’t ever find products on her own organically and just buys whatever social media tells her to. So I guess I like to go chat with Hayley when I want to remember how much good life I’ve lived.

I can feel myself being watched and I glance down the hall to see Mike standing outside my office, staring at me.

“K, gotta go,” I sigh.

“Mmkay, talk to ya later bestie!” Hayley sings.

Mike follows me into my office and says, “Please explain to me [these concepts that we’ve already discussed at length]. I’m not understanding.”

So I patiently explain it to him again like he’s 5 and address all of the concerns we’ve already addressed. I wouldn’t even mind Mike not paying attention or retaining anything we discuss, but he’s always such an asshole about it. Sometimes I’m bitchy back, but it’s usually not worth the trouble.

Brendan texts me to tell me that he ordered salads for his office and asks if I want one. Since I have not yet eaten today, I take him up on his offer. I don’t particularly want a salad and would much prefer a slice of lemon pound cake from Starbucks, but beggars can’t be choosers. I eat all of the good bits from my salad and leave a bed of dry kale and quinoa in the refrigerator that I pretend I’m going to eat later. Then I make my first caffeinated beverage of the day: a refresher made of one part kiwi guava Celsius, one part orange juice and a splash of filtered water to cut the sweetness.

The next few hours I’m on calls with partners: some for status check-ins, some to try to pitch us additional services, or some just to just annoy me specifically.

Mike leaves at 3, but claims he will be online later. That’s fine but I won’t be. With Mike gone, I take a siesta until 3:45 when I have a couple more calls. And then at 4:20 I need to rush out for the day to pick up my baby angel from school! She has her dance class at 5 so I quickly scoop her up and we head a few blocks to her class. Winnie loves school and all of her friends. She’s still besties with Olivia, but each day she comes home mad at one of the others about something. Usually it’s because Beatrice painted her paper the same color as Winnie’s or another friend chose Nyla over her as a partner. You know how Winnie is. I usually try to talk her through it as much as I can, but mostly just tune in for the dramz.

Winnie’s class is only 45 minutes which is good because she has the attention span of a fruit fly. She’s finally getting better about focusing and not being distracted by everything and everyone around her. And honestly, when she puts her mind to it, she’s one of the better dancers in class too! I’ll let her make the decision if she wants to keep up with it in the fall when she starts school, but I’m glad she is enjoying it for now.

There’s a dance mom I hate. Her name is Nadine and she just turned 40. She has really terrible main character syndrome which on its own is fine, but everything that comes out of her mouth is homophobic, transphobic, racist, ableist, misogynistic or otherwise problematic in some way. Obviously I stay away from her because I don’t want that energy around me, but she always drags me into conversations and then tries to humiliate me in some way. Usually she asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to or don’t have an opinion on since I’m not a native New Yorker, and then scream-laughs and tells everyone when I don’t give her the answer she’s looking for. She also has a really bad nose job.

After class, Winnie and I walk or take a car back to the apartment and that’s typically when Brendan calls. If we don’t have prior plans, he wants to know if we want to have dinner together and then we discuss if he should come over and cook for us (another thing I love about Brendan is he is so resourceful. I’m like, “The only groceries I have on hand is one dozen eggs, a single chicken breast (frozen) and a handful of fresh broccoli” and he will come over and whip up a 5 star meal). The answer is always yes and on this particular evening, he says he’s stopping to get sushi (Winnie loves a California roll) and bringing it over so we can all have dinner together. Winnie and I change and get ready for our man to show up.

“Winnie has something to tell you,” I announce once he’s arrived.

“Oh yeah? What is it?” Brendan says back.

Winnie proceeds into an absolutely disgusting story about their classroom lizard and how it eats beetles and bugs, and today it was her turn to dump the little container of beetles into the lizard cage. I’ve already heard the story once and I stand in a corner covering my ears and gagging which Winnie thinks is hilarious.

After dinner, Winnie has approximately an hour and a half before it’s her bedtime and you better believe she makes the most of it. We either watch a movie or she plays games on her iPad or the three of us play some sort of hide and seek game where Winnie makes up arbitrary rules as we go along.

Okay, I want to point something out and I’m not saying this to be petty — it’s merely an observation — but Winnie rarely brings up her dad during the week. After she started school full time and they don’t spend all day on Mondays together, I feel like their relationship has completely changed and it’s kind of sad. She used to be so obsessed with Brady. Sometimes I ask if she wants to FaceTime him in the evening and she used to think about it before saying no and now she just says no. I know that she still enjoys going over to Brady’s house to spend time with him and she stayed there for an entire week last month and had so much fun that she didn’t want to come home. But it’s still turning out exactly how I feared. I guess Brady and Caroline will be taking a trip for an entire month later this summer and I’m hoping Winnie doesn’t forget about him during that time.

After Winnie goes to bed, Brendan and I stay up talking and drinking wine or putting on comfy clothes and getting in bed. Super chill vibes. Lately he’s been asking me about the future and what I want; like if I want to stay working for Mike or if I want to venture out and do something else eventually and have I ever considered working for myself? Brendan went to business school and studied entrepreneurship so he’s always thinking about starting a business. I’m like, “Yeah I don’t know, we’ll see.” I complain about work a lot (doesn’t everyone?), but I’m fine for now. It pays me well and I like what I do. When I think about the future, I’m wondering if I want another baby eventually or not. I mean, I guess I do and I know Brendan wants a kid or two of his own, but he always says “in a few years.” But like, when? I’m already on the fence about having another kid and I feel like if I wait too long, I’ll be completely over it.

Anyway, either Brendan and I fall asleep at 9:30 or stay up all night having sex and then we wake up the next day to do it all over again!

Yesenia messaged me one day to tell me that Gigi wanted to find a new job and Izzy wanted to be her replacement. The reason Gigi wanted a new job? Because Brendan was “being mean to her.” Apparently she told Miguel about it and he told her that she should work directly with him and not Brendan because he didn’t want things to get “more messy.” What the fuck did that mean? Yesenia is Brendan’s office manager/assistant and she always keeps her ears to the street for me. There’s never any drama with Brendan (obviously), but she lets me know when she sees on security footage that Miguel and Izzy stayed in the office until 10 PM and left together or that a bottle of the office whisky has mysteriously gone missing and she suspected a couple of the guys were drinking on the job. I love her a lot.

So Brendan and I have decided to move in together. I can’t remember who brought it up in a serious way — we’ve talked about it in passing a lot — but then we were like, “Maybe we really should do this.” I mean, we spend just about every night together either at my apartment or his so it only makes sense. But before we could even seriously discuss it, Brendan said that he was going to think about it. And by think about it, he meant ask his stepmom if she thought it was a good idea and I know that because Margot asked me about it.

She started asking me questions about Brady and our relationship and we lived together, right? How did I think living together affected our relationship?

I was honest and said, “I actually can’t really remember a time when we didn’t live together. We probably started living together prematurely, but we were both just like, young and stupid. And it also wasn’t the right relationship.” 

Brendan asked me a few days later if I was okay to move into his place with him or if we should try to find a new place so I guess my convo with Margot didn’t go that bad. He’s like, “I wasn’t necessarily thinking about you moving in when I moved in here and I just want you to be comfortable.”

It’s like, babe. I basically designed your entire apartment for you with myself and my daughter in mind but I’m glad to know you’re thinking of me!

So anyway, Winnie and I will be moving in with Brendan at the end of the summer. Plenty of time to slowly move our shit in, get Winnie used to the idea, finalize all the little details (like the parking spot Brendan secured for me 🥺) and change our mind if we need to. I’m really excited, but really nervous. I love Brendan and our relationship so, so much and I’m terrified that moving in together will make us implode. We’re always together, but not like this. Like: sharing household chores, having serious discussions about finances, and not being able have much needed space when necessarily. And Brendan and Winnie have a great relationship, but he hasn’t seen all sides of her. She’s just as moody as her mama and has plenty of outbursts and potty accidents and I don’t know, is Brendan ready for all that? And I’m also afraid I’m going to discover that he isn’t as trustworthy as I’ve always thought and he’ll come home from work late smelling like Flowerbomb (something I would absolutely not wear). I know that I want to marry Brendan so moving in together is the natural next step in our relationship, but I’m still afraid it’s going to ruin everything we’ve got going on now.

And even though I already know that we are moving with Brendan in a few months, I will not be telling Brady until the very last minute because I am petty and fuck him!

My friend from Chicago, Lexi, got married in Mexico last month. Do y’all remember Lexi? She’s a mess. We used to go out a lot and get ourselves into some predicaments and she also used to hook up with Brady’s married brother so there’s that. The fact that she was getting married before me is absolutely insane, but I was happy for her and even happier to take a vacation with my boyfriend as my plus one.

We got to Cabo on Thursday and had immediate plans to have drinks with Preston. I know y’all remember Preston. They were one of my best friends when I lived in Chicago, but after I moved away we kind of lost touch. Since then, Preston has been engaged like four or five times and is now divorced so we had a lot to catch up on. Also, Preston came out as non-binary a few years ago and uses they/them pronouns. I was a little concerned about using the wrong pronouns since it would be my first time seeing Preston since they came out as NB, but of all people, I knew Preston would give me grace.

Anyway, we got to the resort and went to our room to change and before we could even meet them down at the bar, Preston came banging on the door. I should’ve never told them which suite we were in. And they weren’t alone — there were three other people with Preston, including a girl I hate named Nicole.

“Oh. My. Gawd. Is that really Reesie Piecie?” Preston screamed as they all let themselves into our room. “Is it really you in the flesh?!”

“Your room is sick! Look at this view!!” Nicole shouted. I absolutely hate Nicole.

“You’re skinny. Are you doing fillers? You look fantastic. And who’s this?” Preston said, squeezing me.

“This is Brendan,” I said.

Brendan put his hand out to shake Preston’s, but Preston hugged him instead.

“Hi! You’re more handsome in person,” they said. “And you smell nice.”

“I want to smell!” Nicole yelled and came over to introduce herself. And then she’s like, “Oh hey Reese, what’s up?”

What’s up? Fuck off.

“So how have you been?” Preston said and turned so they were facing away from Brendan and made a face like they were impressed. I get that my man is a cutie and all, but why was Preston acting like this was surprising? I have good taste!

We all headed down to the bar and Preston put an arm in mine.

“Obsessed,” they said. “Do you miss Brady?”

“Not in the slightest!” I gasped. The fuck?

Down at the bar, Preston ordered a round of tequila for everyone. In the words of Tom Schwartz, I’ve been kind of sober-curious these days, but I was willing to make an exception for vacation. I could never be totally sober, but I’ve been trying to drink less in general (like not drinking at all during the week) and sticking to wine and beer over spirits/liquor.

“What’s NYC like? Are you hoe-ing it up up there?” Preston asked, grinning. 

“Uh, no,” I replied. Really? As if my boyfriend wasn’t sitting right there?

“The bartender is hot as fuck,” Nicole said.

“So Brendan, tell me everything about yourself. I’m sure Reese has filled you in about me,” Preston went on.

Admittedly I hadn’t, except to explain their pronouns, but I hadn’t gotten fully into the Preston and Reese lore.

“He was born and raised in New York, owns a business and is divorced but has no kids,” I said.

“I can answer for myself,” Brendan said, playfully.

“Exactly. Let the man speak,” Preston said.

Well, excuse the fuck out of me.

The bartender slid another round of shots in front of us.

“Next round is on me,” Nicole said with her raspy, smokers’ voice and winked.

So we took the shots and continued talking. Preston kept saying things like, “I can’t believe you’re here,” and “I can’t believe it’s really you.” And it made me feel bad for not really keeping in contact with them or putting any effort into our friendship. In my defense though, they haven’t really kept up with me either except to occasionally reply with emojis to my Instagram stories or tag me in outfits they think I’d look good in.

Preston said, “So I’m divorced too. It’s truly so fucked up, like I never thought I could experience heartbreak like that. I was in a deep depression for 11 months that I never thought I’d get out of. It was awful.”

“Yeah…it’s not a nice position to be in,” Brendan said back.

“How long were you married?” I asked because I really wasn’t sure.

“2 months,” Preston said.

Nicole and the other guy and girl they were with continued ordering drinks for all of us and chatting up the bartender. Nicole was attempting to speak Spanish to him in an offensive way, especially considering he was speaking in English to us. She’s just literally so stupid.

“So after you have a baby, how long do you have to wait to have sex?” Preston asked. I’d been telling him all about my little princess Winnie and how she’s basically a tiny version of me.

“Um, I think it just depends. At least a few weeks,” I said back.

“How long did you wait?” they wanted to know.

“I can’t remember,” I replied because I really can’t. All I know is I didn’t really want to have sex for a long time after giving birth, especially with Brady (oops).

“And then after that, what’s it like? It must be so different having someone down there after you’ve pushed a skull through your cookie, you know what I mean?” Preston went on.

I’m like, “Do you mind? I don’t really want to talk about this right now.” I was starting to get drunk, but not that drunk.

“Fine,” Preston sniffled. “I was just curious and I don’t have any other friends who have babies.”

“You act like Kendra and Carly don’t exist,” I pointed out.

“They basically don’t. Did I tell you that I ran into Kendra at Nordstrom Rack and she pretended not to see me? I mean, I was embarrassed to be there too, but I was doing a return for a friend! I texted that bitch later and called her out!” Preston said.

“What the hell was she doing at Nordstrom Rack?” I exclaimed.

“I don’t goddamn know, she’s so weird now!”

Another round of shots materialized and the bar was starting to fill up. It was getting close to dinner time and Brendan and I had late reservations for the Mediterranean restaurant at the resort.

“So what’s everyone’s body count?” Nicole shouted. “I’ll start. 70!”

Nicole and Preston’s guy friend said 30 and the girl said 10.

“Are you fucking kidding me? I have no idea!” Preston said proudly.

“You can’t remember your body count?!” Nicole screamed, impressed.

“Well I guess it depends on what you would consider a body,” Preston said and we all laughed.

“And you, Reese?” Nicole said.

“I’m not answering that,” I said. It’s like, who fucking cares how many people you’ve had sex with? We’re all adults and at the end of the day, it doesn’t matter. You know a few years ago I would’ve been salivating at this topic of conversation, but these days I just can’t be bothered.

“Is it because you’re ashamed of how high it is? I knew you were hoe-ing it up!” Preston giggled. Seriously?

“Brendan? What about you?” Nicole said. She was just not letting up.

“He’s not answering that either,” I said. Why the fuck did Nicole need to know my boyfriend’s body count?

“You’re no fun,” Brendan whispered in my ear and I knew he was feeling a little tipsy too.

So anyway, we sat there drinking for another little while as the bar filled up. Luckily we still had our seats at the bar because it was now standing room only. At one point Nicole got up to use the restroom — alone — and we all continued sitting there and drinking. I was drunk so I had no concept of time, but someone pointed out that Nicole had been in the bathroom for quite a while and she’d left her phone and purse at the bar so we couldn’t exactly call her to see if had gotten lost.

“Reese, come with me to find this little slut,” Preston said and dragged me through the crowded bar to the back where the restrooms were. They made me go into the stalls to see if she was in there, but I only found a bathroom attendant and a group of girls from Arizona. My girls! They needed a hair tie and I had one so I chatted with them for a little while until Preston shouted into the restroom to ask if Nicole was in there. In that short amount of time, I’d completely forgotten about Nicole or that I was supposed to be looking for her.

“Okay, she wasn’t in there. Maybe there’s another bathroom that she went to,” I told Preston.

“There’s not! I asked!” they cried. “I have no idea where she could be!”

Mind you, this was at one of those huge all-inclusive resorts in Mexico with hundreds of rooms and dozens of bars and restaurants so the girl could literally be anywhere.

“Let’s not panic. She knows where we are so she’ll come back when she’s ready,” I said calmly.

Preston stormed off back to where we were sitting at the bar and by this point, their girl and guy friend had worked themselves into a frenzy as well.

“The bartender is gone too!” the girl whisper-shouted. “I was going to ask him if he’d seen Nicole and the new bartender said he left for the day.”

“Oh my GOD!” Preston screamed. “He left and took Nicole with him?!”

I turned to Brendan. “How long has she even been gone?”

He shrugged. “I don’t know. Maybe 45 minutes? An hour?”

Definitely longer than I thought, but still no need to panic. In my mind it made sense to me that the “hot” bartender had clocked out of his shift, summoned Nicole to some unknown location for sex and she’d catch back up with us eventually. But everyone was too shrill for me to explain that. Plus I was drunk.

Someone had called over a pair of security guards and Preston was giving them a physical description of Nicole.

“She’s 5 foot 6, 100 pounds. Well, maybe 102 since we’ve gotten to Mexico,” they said through tears. “Bronde hair down to the middle of her back, needs a trim. She was wearing an oversized white sweatshirt, biker shorts. I can’t remember what shoes she was wearing!”

“She was wearing New Balance 550s covered in mud!” the guy friend shrieked.

The security guards let us know that he hadn’t seen her, but would keep an eye out.

“I was just listening to a true crime case about this,” the girl said. “A woman got abducted from a bar in Mexico and they found her body in the desert.”

(There’s a body count joke in here somewhere that I’m not willing to explore)

“Oh my GOD! Why would you even tell me that right now?” Preston sobbed.

“I don’t know, I’m so sorry,” the girl said, now in full hysterics as well.

I had to put an end to this as we were creating a scene.

“Y’all. Nicole has not been abducted and I doubt she’s in any danger,” I said calmly.

“How can you be sure about that? She left all of her things — her phone, her wallet, her room key! She can’t do anything without that!” Preston said.

Brendan turned his phone to face me so I could see an alert that said our dinner reservation was in 15 minutes. Thank goodness — a way out.

“I’m sure she’ll turn up,” I said to the group half heartedly. “But we have dinner in 15 minutes and I’m starving.”

“You’re going to go to dinner? While Nicole is missing?!” Preston exclaimed.

“I mean…”

“You could at least help us find her, alive. She’d do the same for you.”

I turned to Brendan and he shrugged and now I was on the verge of tears just like everyone else.

“I’m texting Lexi,” Preston announced, pulling out their phone. “I hope this doesn’t ruin her wedding.”

“You guyssss,” I cried. “She’s probably going to pop back up any minute!”

“Policia!” the girl was shouting over the bar sounds to the new bartender. “Can you please call the policia?!”

They directed us back to the two security guards we’d spoken to earlier and we took our party outside where the security guards were stationed. 

“We should probably all split up and look for her,” I suggested. “She’s probably at one of the pools or something.”

Preston grabbed my forearm. “No!! And risk another one of us going missing? I’m not letting anyone out of my sight!”

The security guards had called for backup and by the time backup arrived, I was full on sobbing with everyone else. We’d missed our dinner reservation so I was starving, I was drunk and Preston was basically holding me hostage. Brendan, bless his heart, was the only sane and calm one and communicated with security while the rest of us had breakdowns of various magnitudes.

Lexi and her fiancé came down from wherever they were to meet us and she was looking stunning and radiant as ever. She was getting married the next evening, mind you. We hugged briefly and then Preston filled her in on what was going on. I could not believe the situation had escalated to this point, but I guess I had no sense of how much time had passed.

Eventually we set to shop in the main lobby so we could see all of the comings and goings of the resort and since the bar was now closed, she wouldn’t be able to find us there. Preston worked the phones, the girl canvassed the area and I sat there crying like a small child while Brendan consoled me.

“I can’t fucking believe she did this the night before my wedding,” Lexi said. And then she revealed that she hadn’t even wanted to invite Nicole to the wedding in the first place, but Preston guilted her into it. “If this bitch ends up dead and overshadows my wedding, I’ll never forgive her!”

Brendan laughed nervously like the joke made him uncomfy.

“Wait, you don’t think anything really happened to her, do you?” I asked.

“I mean, I don’t know. It’s been hours.”

Not them convincing Brendan, who is reasonable, that she’d actually been abducted or something.

I guess it was close to 4am at that point. We’d been out for almost 12 hours and I was exhausted. I kept dozing off, but every so often Preston would gasp or sob and it would wake me up.

About an hour later, Brendan of all people finally suggested that we should all get some sleep and reconvene in a few hours.

“You’re totally right,” Preston sniffled and then turned to Lexi. “At what point do you call off the wedding? It would be in poor taste to have a wedding while your friend is missing and possibly abducted or murdered?”

Lexi was understandably fuming at the mere mention of canceling her wedding (I would absolutely not cancel my wedding over Nicole either), but said that we’d cross that bridge if we got there.

So we all retreated to our rooms and went to sleep.

Preston called me happily at 8am.

“Hey boo,” they said and I could already hear Nicole shouting in the background. “Can you believe Nic was up in her room that whole time? She fucked the bartender in the bathroom and then had someone from the front desk let her into her room. I didn’t even think to look there!”

Preston and Nicole cracked up like any part of that was funny. I hadn’t thought to look for Nicole in her room either, but after the night we had it was far too soon to be funny! I was so fucking pissed about the entire scenario and avoided Preston (and Nicole, obviously) for the rest of the weekend.

The next trip Brendan and I went on was to Saint Martin and this is kind of embarrassing, but I was convinced he was going to propose to me this time. Mainly because he planned the trip without me (usually he suggests something and then we kind of plan it together) and he was just like, “I’m taking you to Saint Martin on these days.”

Oh? We’d already decided that we were moving in together at that point so the timing lined up and he’d already told me that he’s never been there (imagine getting engaged somewhere he used to take his ex-wife). So I went around shopping for pieces to wear on our trip, got a modest manicure and confronted Brendan about the rowing instructor because I will absolutely not be engaged to a man who thinks he needs to follow his hot rowing instructors on Instagram!

We were laying together on the couch one night and I pulled up my phone in his full line of vision, opened Instagram, and navigated to his following list like I did months ago.

“Fascinating that you’re following [Molly-mae-look-alike] on Instagram!” I blurted out.

“She followed me first,” Brendan said, like that explained anything.

“And you followed her back?” I said.

“Yep. Do you actually think it’s fascinating? Are you upset by it?” he asked.

“I don’t know. I just don’t understand why you need to be following each other. Do you message each other?” I said, suddenly getting really nervous that he was going to tell me something I did not want to hear.

“She messages me,” Brendan said and my heart sank. “But it’s always just stuff about class. Look.”

He pulled out Instagram on his own phone and showed me the messages from Miss Wishes She Was Molly Mae: stuff like “Justin Bieber mashup this Thursday, book now!” Dozens of them. Nothing from Brendan’s side. And apparently she has another Instagram, a personal, private one and Brendan showed me that he’s not following her private page and I clocked that the follow button said, “Follow Back.” So that all made me feel really stupid and silly and I really just need to trust my man.

Anyway. After all that, I’m not engaged. 🤡

And I really don’t need to be so I don’t know I got myself all hyped up like that. I know it’ll happen eventually — Brendan has all but told me that and I believe him. The trip was really nice and relaxing and I came back a bronzed goddess. I got so much sun that I booked an appointment with a dermatologist to make sure all of my moles still look normal.

So I’ve always trusted Brendan. If you know me then you know I don’t make it a habit to trust men. They’re all up to something nefarious at all times as far as I’m concerned and should be treated accordingly until they can prove otherwise!

But Brendan has always just made me feel super secure in our relationship. I don’t know if it’s because we were friends before we got together or if it’s the things he says and the way he treats me, but I’ve always trusted Brendan. It was a weird feeling at first because I don’t think I’ve ever had a boyfriend who I completely trusted (and with good reason), but I’ve never been worried about Brendan or what he’s doing behind my back. I sometimes used to wonder if his ex-wife felt the same way about him and then he blindsided her by — for some stupid reason — telling her that he liked me as more than a friend. Ironically the only time I’ve ever felt slightly unsure about us is when I thought there was a chance that he and Reagan would reconcile. Now it’s clear to me that there is not a possibility of that ever happening.

Anyway, I say all of that to say that when Brendan mentioned he was taking a “boys” trip for his birthday, it gave me pause even though I trust him — especially when I found out they were going to Vegas. Maybe I’ve watched too much VPR over the years and it’s rotted my brain but nothing good ever happens in Vegas. And Brendan isn’t even a Vegas kinda guy — he likes a vacation where he can be outdoors like the beach or skiing. And I’m sorry to say this, but the group he was going with also made me apprehensive. There was Kendall, a sweet guy who I really like, but he’s the biggest fuckboy and Miguel, who is married, but acts like he’s single — especially when a very young, pretty girl is around.

But still, I was like, “Okay, go and have fun, I guess I’ll try to find something fun to do on my own.” I actually had dinner plans with Erika (she’d made reservations at a very fancy restaurant) and tentative plans for a boozy brunch with Lola and Kristina.

Brendan kept in touch once he got to Vegas, but stopped texting in the afternoon. I thought nothing of it since I knew that they were going gambling plus I was going to dinner with Erika! I’ve mentioned Erika briefly here before, but she’s Brendan’s stepmom’s friend who is closer in age and vibez to me. The first thing she ever said to me was something like, “Hi, you seem like a bitch so I feel like we’ll get along.”

Me? A bitch? Totally! She read me like a book! Plus she’s really pretty so we immediately hit it off. She has a set of twins and also has a “fuck these kids” mentality that a lot of people would find problematic, but I think it’s kind of refreshing. I think she’s two or three years older than me and she’s married to a banker who is like 25 years older than she is (if Google is correct). Obviously I just assumed that she was with him for money, security and status, but she always speaks so highly of him and seems to truly love him. Like, she talks about her husband in the same annoying way that I talk about Brendan so I love that for her!

Erika showed up to dinner wearing a Jacquemus dress, thigh high boots and a gorgeous pink Hermés Kelly bag. She’s so hot. The restaurant we went to is known for all of its meat selection, but we sat down and ordered the caviar service and champagne for $45 a glass. I was digging the vibes. Erika was born and raised in Miami and you know how much my boyfriend is obsessed with Florida / Miami so we talked about that. I’m like, I really don’t get the hype because I never have any fun there and in general it just seems like a trashy place.

Erika let me know that I’ve been doing Miami wrong and that she’d show me how it really is so we sat there and made plans to go to Miami together. After we finished eating, Jasmine FaceTimed me. She was bored because her husband was, of course, in Vegas and she was looking for something to do. Erika took one look at her and told her to get dressed and meet us out.

We took our party to the busier bar area of the restaurant where older gentlemen with the rich-person-laugh immediately flocked over to us to offer to buy us drinks. Jasmine and Erika both have fat rocks on their fingers, but no one seemed to care. Plus, I could no longer afford $45 glasses of champagne so no one was complaining (Erika paid for dinner, but still). In between entertaining older men in sport coats and loafers, Jasmine and Erika bonded over being island girls and I’m like, I’m just a boring girl from Texas, but I do tan easily hehe.

Brendan texted me a picture of his dinner and then I didn’t hear from him again for the rest of the night. I didn’t even really care (I was out, ya know) until I got home and got in bed and saw that Kendall was posting non stop on his Instagram story. Nothing out of the ordinary, just the normal stuff rich boys like to post like an artistic wrist / watch selfie with a glass of whiskey, poker chips and views from a very high hotel room. And from the looks of things, Brendan seemed to be enjoying himself. Great!

I fell asleep, but kept waking up every couple of hours because — surprise, surprise — I have trouble sleeping when my boyfriend isn’t around. I hate to be that girl, but it’s true and it’s sick. I hadn’t heard anything from Brendan, but was keeping up with him via Kendall’s IG. They’d gone to dinner and then to the casino and then back to their respective hotel rooms to have drinks and then to the VIP section in a club.

I woke up at 5am with no messages from Brendan and immediately went to Kendall’s Instagram to make sure they’d all gotten back to their hotel safely. But instead I saw videos of them smoking cigars and popping bottles of Ace of Spades. Huh? That’s totally not even Brendan’s thing / vibe. Then there was a video of a bunch of scantily clad young girls who look like they’re famous on TikTok dancing in their section. Uh, hello?? At first I thought maybe Brendan had gone back to his hotel, but then he appears in the video just sitting in the booth with a little hottie dancing next to him like all of this was normal.

Do you know what it reminded me of? It reminded me of the fateful trip to Florida that Brady went to with Hunter that ultimately ended our relationship. But that was Brady and this is Brendan, I told myself. Brendan is not shady.

The next story, posted half an hour prior, was a loud and chaotic video taken from the back of an SUV, but I couldn’t really see anyone. And the final post was a picture of the dark empty desert, geotagged “Las Vegas.” What the fuck did that mean? Where were they?

I hadn’t heard from Brendan since his dinner picture and I wasn’t going to text him now, in the middle of the night, so I did the only thing that made sense next. I went to his Instagram page to check who he is following. If he had hit it off with one of these young gals then they would’ve probably exchanged Instagram information. I can’t remember the last time I dug into Brendan’s following list, but the first person that I saw was the rowing instructor who I’ve always suspected has a crush on him. Anytime I’ve ever gone to the class (which is probably 4-5 times total) she’s run over to him after class to tell him how much he killed it during class and how strong he is. And it doesn’t help that she looks kind of like Molly Mae / his ex wife. Exactly how much were they speaking outside of rowing class and why did they need to be following each other on Instagram?!

It was 5 o’clock in the morning, but I still texted Brendan, “I hope your night was fun!” since I hadn’t texted him back about his dinner. Then I scrolled through the instructor’s pictures until I fell asleep again.

I sprang up in bed at 6:30, prepared to get my day started. But first things first. I immediately went to Kendall’s Instagram to see how the rest of their night out went — but get this. The majority of the stories I’d seen earlier were now gone. They were there an hour ago — weren’t they? Or had I imagined the whole thing? Maybe I had PTSD from Brady in Florida and now I was projecting. What the fuck was going on?

You know what I hadn’t imagined though? That Brendan was following his hot rowing instructor on Instagram. I checked again to confirm it. What was that about?

Brendan called later in the morning to tell me how hungover he was. I’m like, “Oh, you are? How interesting! What did y’all do?”

He told me about dinner and the casino (and how Miguel lost $5K at one of the tables which he said in passing like it’s not a big deal, but I would’ve been sick. That’s one whole handbag!) and that he couldn’t even remember getting back to his hotel room.

Now I was really getting PTSD. I think another reason I trust Brendan is because he doesn’t go out and get drunk and forget what he did. So all of this was out of character.

“So yeah, I’m probably gonna take it easy today. We were gonna go golfing…” he said.

Obviously my first instinct was to confront him about Kendall’s story and whose idea it was to delete it in a sneaky way. But then I was like, okay, I need to relax. I felt like I was being crazy and a little bit ridiculous — basically reverting back to my old self. As I’ve said before, Brendan has given me zero reason not to trust him and I didn’t even know how to question him without coming across like a psycho. And plus, I’ve been telling myself that I’m not the crazy one — the stupid men I’ve dated are and Brendan is the exception. And it was his birthday weekend, I wanted him to enjoy himself and not have to worry about little old me. I didn’t even message Kendall (and you know I was dying to)!

So that was that and I got over it. It totally wasn’t that deep, was it? But you know I made myself available to accompany Brendan to that workout class to make sure there was no funny business going on.

A few weeks later, I was sitting in my office tapping through Instagram stories during the middle of the workday like I always do. And then I happened upon a video of MY BOYFRIEND. The video was posted by none other than Gigi and it looked like they were all out with beers / cocktails in front of them. This was at like 2PM on a random Tuesday. She panned the table so I could see that she was with Brendan, Miguel and Izzy. Like a double date basically!

“Our bosses ladies and gentlemen!” Gigi giggled / yelled.

I totally hated all of it — the double date (especially considering I know Miguel and Izzy have hooked up), the fact that Brendan (who is famously not a big drinker) was out drinking during the day, and the fact that he hadn’t even told me about his little midday detour. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t need my boyfriend to share his every move with me — it was just weird that he was doing something so out of the norm and hadn’t told me. Plus, he kind of hates Gigi and finds her unbearably annoying so why was he willingly hanging out with her outside of the office?

But again, I’m like: calm down. Brendan was doing nothing wrong by being out with his employees (even if it bothered the shit out of me) and I’d basically forgotten about it by the time I hung out with him later.

And then another day, I found myself deep in the depths of the city aka at Brendan’s office after a meeting. All of his employees were standing around him like little minions. And the person who was most vocal was little miss vocal fry herself, Gigi. And in general acting she’s besties with Brendan and the center of the universe. At one point, Gigi grabbed Brendan’s forearm and leaned closer to him.

“Wait, what did you say the other night? It was so funny!” she said.

I was thinking: this is it. I’m not crazy. Maybe nothing happened in Vegas and Brendan following his rowing instructor on Instagram was innocent, but there was definitely something going on with Gigi. Had Miguel’s ways rubbed off on him? The way she grabbed his arm was way too comfortable. I would never even touch my boss (Mike). What was it that my mom said? You don’t want to be someone’s second wife because you definitely won’t be their last. Was Brendan already trying to find my replacement? We aren’t even engaged yet! It was basically the same thing that happened before: Brendan had a significant other, he started befriending a girl at work and then suddenly he leaves his SO in the dust! I know that’s not exactly how it happened, but still! Was I about to be blindsided like Reagan? Did this have anything to do with whatever happened in Vegas? Was being faithful no longer a priority for him? And Gigi of all people? She’s cute and funny, but she’s not me!

In the meantime, Brady and I had been sort of texting regularly. Obviously we have to text about Winnie, but he’s usually short and to the point. We were actually having more than 2-3 word conversations though and joking about things like we used to. You know Brady is very hot and cold and I guess he was currently hot!

We were getting along great and asking each other for advice and sending pictures back and forth, etc. Brady was even telling me about Caroline and her job / family and asking me questions about Brendan. You know me, I wanted to know where they are with wedding planning, would it be in Connecticut, if Winnie was going to play a role, etc. And Brady was actually answering me — albeit very unenthusiastically. He’s like, “I don’t really have an opinion on anything so I’m letting Caroline take the lead.”

Of course!

We were getting along so well that one day while we were texting, I asked, “So…is Caroline pregnant? 🤭”

I thought I was being cheeky and that he’d be shocked and surprised that I picked up on it, but ultimately he’d admit it to me that she was. He’d been open about literally everything else and I’d basically just been waiting for him to tell me.

“What the fuck? No!” Brady texted back. And then in another message said, “Why would you even ask me something like that? What’s your problem? That’s so fucking rude.”

Oh? Obviously I was not trying to be rude, not at all. I hadn’t even seen the girl so I wasn’t judging her appearance or anything like that, if that’s how he took it.

“It was literally just a simple yes or no question. I wasn’t trying to be rude, I was just picking up vibes,” I texted back.

“Whatever. You are such a child. Grow up,” Brady said. And needless to say, he went right back to being cold. Oops!

Y’all!!!!! I missed it, but last month was my 10th anniversary writing this blog. Isn’t that insane? I can’t believe that I’ve been doing this for so long and I’ve been through so much along the way. Writing here is still so therapeutic for me and even though sometimes I have trouble finding the time to do it, I plan on continuing this blog until I no longer enjoy it.

I’ll try to be back soon with more updates. I took two trips last month — including to the wedding of an old friend where I saw someone you’ve been asking about — and I can’t wait to tell y’all all about it! Thanks for being here, I love you all!