Maybe this is unhinged, but approximately one week after getting back from Mexico, I began starting each day with a pregnancy test. I was paranoid about getting pregnant. I’m sorry if this sounds bad or triggers anyone, but I knew if I did get pregnant I wouldn’t keep it. Brendan had made it clear that he didn’t want a baby, and I really didn’t want one either (but could probably make it work if it happened). I’ve seen first hand what an unwanted pregnancy/baby can do to a relationship and I certainly didn’t want that to happen again.

None of the tests came back positive, thank God. I’m sorry, but the last thing I needed was an unwanted pregnancy on my hands. And despite the fact that he was apparently not ready for a child of his own, Brendan was really leaning into his stepdad role. I’ll admit that in the beginning, he was just like a fun uncle or something and it was a free for all when he was around. It was like: Brendan’s here so we can all stay up late and order pizza and scream at the top of our lungs! But now that it’s been a few years and they’ve gotten more comfortable with each other, he actually calls out Winnie on her misbehavior. You know, in his Brendan kinda way — the same way he speaks to his stupid employees. Winnie tries to push her limits and he says things like, “I thought we already decided you aren’t supposed to do that.” And she’s like, “Oh yeah, I forgot.” Or sometimes he will actually put his foot down about something (she’s usually bullying him about the TV or her dolls) and she talks back so Brendan says, “Okay, well I’m not going to argue with you.” And then she knows he’s actually serious and so she stops. I don’t know — I just love seeing their relationship evolve and the fact that they are still so close. He’s going to be such a good dad…someday!

When Winnie went back to school in January, she was going Monday through Friday instead of just Tuesday through Thursday, like she did in the fall. It was absolutely necessary because 1. She loves school and 2. She needs to get used to a full schedule since she starts kindergarten later this year (CAN YOU BELIEVE IT, I’M LITERALLY FREAKING OUT).

When I told Brady about the schedule change, he didn’t argue or even seem to care even though he’d be losing an entire day with her. He was mostly annoyed at my suggestion that he could drop her off at school on Monday mornings because that wouldn’t work with his perfect established schedule. I’m like, “Okay, I’ll pick her up from your house on Sunday night so she can be at school on Monday morning. I don’t care.” God. He loves to make things hard. Eventually Brady agreed to my suggestion of dropping Winnie off at school on Monday mornings (because what else was he going to do?). Then she would spend the week in the city with me and he will pick her up from school on Friday afternoons so she can spend the weekend with him.

One day I was balls deep in the online portal for Winnie’s school, being nosy. You know me. I usually spend most of my time in the address book section where it has everyone’s parents’ contact information where home addresses are listed (which I then copy and paste into Zillow to see how much everyone’s homes are worth). My favorite part is that they list the parents who are still together on the same line on the spreadsheet and the parents who aren’t together on two separate lines. That’s how I found out about one couple’s divorce last year. I immediately texted Victoria (Olivia’s mom) to discuss because I’ve become that mom.

So anyway I was scrolling through the list to see if anything had changed and I saw that there was a new entry next to Brady’s contact information. They’d added Caroline (“fiancée”) with all of her details. For context, almost all of the communication with Winnie’s school goes through me so they’d clearly gone out of their way to get Caroline added to the contact list. And for what reason? She’s a weekend stepmom (barely) and has nothing to do with Winnie’s school.

Before I could stop myself, I took a screenshot and sent it directly to Brady. He sent back a question mark a few minutes later.

“Why was it necessary to add Caroline?” I asked.

“I don’t see why it matters to you, but I was told to add her just in case. It is unrealistic for me to pick Winnie up every Friday so sometimes Cara might have to instead,” Brady explained.

Excuse me?

“If you can’t pick her up on a Friday, just let me know. I can pick her up. Fridays usually aren’t busy for me,” I said.

“It’s fine. Cara is okay getting her and I don’t anticipate it happening often,” he texted back.

I started to type back, “Does Winnie even like Cara?” because does she? I’m not convinced. But that seemed petty and mean so I sent back a thumbs up and we ended the conversation there. I didn’t want him to think I was more bothered than I was. I didn’t care really, it just seemed like he was trying to force the Caroline thing on us. I get that they are engaged and will eventually be getting married allegedly, but it’s not my fault that he didn’t ease into the relationship and just jumped head first into an engagement / cohabitation situation and it was going to take me (and Winnie) some time to get used to it.

And maybe I shouldn’t even be judging because Winnie and I had a trip planned with Brendan and his entire family + extended family to Jamaica the second week in February. I couldn’t exactly be mad about the potential of Brady’s silly little fiancée occasionally picking Winnie up from school when she was cozying up with Brendan and his family, right?

Anyway, the trip was to celebrate Valentine’s Day / Brendan’s birthday (even though he was taking another trip with his boys for his actual birthday — sus) and in addition to Brendan, Winnie and me, Margot and Brendan’s dad were going, and Danielle was coming and bringing a friend, Brendan’s uncle was coming with a couple friends, Brendan’s cousin Daphne and her husband/kids were coming, and one of Margot’s close friends and her family was coming. So a rather large group. Brendan asked me if I wanted to invite my parents.

I was like, “Absolutely not.”

Brendan shrugged and said, “Just a suggestion.”

I appreciated it, but there was no reason my parents should be on vacation with all of us. First of all, I didn’t know where my mom was with her alcohol issues and I was not about to babysit her all week to make sure she didn’t embarrass the family.

A few days later, Brendan asked if I was sure that I didn’t want to invite them.

“I’m sure,” I said.

He explained that they’d rented an entire villa at the resort that had like twelve bedrooms or something so there was plenty of room if I wanted to invite them.

“Okay thank you, but they are not coming,” I said politely. There was no way I was inviting my parents to Jamaica  — you couldn’t pay me to do so — and I was not sure why Brendan was pushing it.

But then a few days after that I was talking to Margot and she said, “Brendan said your parents aren’t coming to Jamaica?!”

“That’s correct, they aren’t,” I confirmed.

“Why not?” she exclaimed. “You invited them, didn’t you? I was so looking forward to it.”

And I really didn’t have a good reason that I could explain (“I’m afraid my mom is going to be herself and I’m not proud of who she is,” sounded terrible) so I didn’t say anything.

“Maybe they’ll reconsider?” Margot went on. “I can call Jackie myself if you want. I think we all expected them to be there.”

Everyone seemed really persistent about this and I kind of wondered if there was a reason they all wanted to make sure my child and family were on the vacation with us. Maybe Brendan was going to propose to me? It seemed very unlikely, but we would be there over Valentine’s Day so who could say?

I got home and invited my mom to come to Jamaica with us and she immediately said yes like she’d been waiting with bated breath for the invite. She said she’d need to make sure my dad could get off work, but even if he couldn’t she was still going to come by herself. I’m like, the invitation is for both of you as a package deal, but okay lady. She texted me right after we got off the phone saying my dad could take the time off and they were both excited to come.

So it was all happening. We were all leaving that Sunday and would meet up at the resort sometime in the evening. I packed a few matching outfits for Winnie and me (what? She’s my mini me and is just like me in every way so why shouldn’t we match sometimes?), bikinis, hats for various occasions, SPH 50 for my baby, a Selkie dress for Valentine’s dinner with my man, AGOLDE criss cross shorts in 3 colors and my new favorite strappy heels by Alohas. One of the first (and my personal favorite) vacation pictures I took was of Brendan and Winnie wearing their respective backpacks, walking through the airport hand in hand. My freaking babies!!!! I love them so much.

Both sets of parents were already at the resort when we arrived Sunday evening. My parents were apparently in one of the bars drinking already, but Brendan’s parents were waiting for us in the villa because they are normal. Danielle wasn’t arriving until the following morning.

And can I just say that I realized why she is so unpleasant to be around? She’s so negative and hates everything and totally thinks she’s “not like other girls.” It was the most time I’ve spent with her and she’s just so…ugh. She hated all of the food options and was constantly asking for a side salad or plain pasta noodles with olive oil. Like, grow up. And she declined any and every activity we all did — even just simple trips to the beach (except one boat trip which I’ll tell y’all about in a sec). I’m like, are you okay? What was the point of coming on vacation if you aren’t going to enjoy it? And she was always in such a dour mood and I lost count of how many times I caught her rolling her eyes at things that didn’t warrant an eye roll. One time a few of us were sitting around the living room and she’d texted Margot (who was in another room) asking her to bring a charger so she could charge her phone. Margot asked some follow up questions to make sure she was bringing the correct one and Danielle was getting annoyed. Eventually Margot came and brought the requested charger. Danielle snatched it from her and mumbled, “How fucking hard was that?” I turned to Brendan to make sure he was seeing what a snotty little bitch his sister is and of course he wasn’t paying attention so he missed it. She’s such a nightmare.

Anyway, other than Danielle, the trip was really good. I gave up worrying about my parents after the first day because there were so many people that no one was paying attention to my mom’s alcohol consumption nor did they care. Especially considering Brendan’s dad and uncle always drink a ton and were shithoused 85% of the trip. Someone had the genius idea to hire 2 local Jamaican nannies to watch all the kids so we could actually relax and have fun. I will not be vacationing without a nanny going forward.

We spent most days at the pool or beach, playing tennis or golf (well, they did, I watched), drinking rum punch and apple flavored Crown Royal, eating local cuisine, getting massages, etc. The resort unfortunately boasted fitness and wellness and Margot had arranged private training with a personal trainer for all of us every morning. The idea was cute, but I only made it to one class.

Maybe I should’ve prioritized working out a little bit more though because on one of the days we all went out on a little excursion on a catamaran. Some of them jumped in the water and snorkeled and stuff, but I was just enjoying the vibes with Winnie and my mom and we sunbathed on the deck. Danielle obviously didn’t get in the water either and my mom attempted to make conversation with her by asking questions about her life and her job and stuff. She was standoffish and was short with all of her answers (my mom is nosy, to be fair) before she eventually got up and stomped to the other side of the boat.

“She’s always like that,” I explained.

“Well, hopefully she has a better day,” my mom said.

So anyway, on our way back to land we were all hanging out on the deck talking and drinking. I was in a two piece by Monday Swimwear and Winnie was in a one piece in similar colors with a lifevest.

Winnie, in front of everyone on the boat, poked my stomach and said, “Is that a baby in there?”

“Oh my god, no!” I screamed and everyone died laughing.

Obviously I’m not perfect, but I’m in probably the best shape I’ve ever been in and it’s not like my stomach was…I don’t know, protruding out or anything. So I don’t know why Winnie would even think to ask me that. And I’m sure I’ve spoken to Winnie about how she was in my tummy at one point, but not any time recently. So where would she have even gotten that idea?

Clearly I wasn’t pregnant (I’d been checking incessantly before the trip and was drinking like a fish), but my mom still wanted to know if Winnie was onto something. She had the nerve to seem disappointed when I assured her that I wasn’t and didn’t want to be. Then we discussed the possibility of Caroline being pregnant. Maybe Caroline was pregnant and told Winnie that she had a baby in her tummy and so now Winnie was walking wondering who else had babies in their tummies. That’s made sense to me. And the thought of Caroline being pregnant was depressing.