should i download tinder?

In addition to everything else, I’ve been swamped with work. Mike suddenly wants me in charge of everything, constantly emailing me to check the progress of projects I’m not even a part of or know about. And since he seemed to think I knew about everything gong on in the office, I didn’t want to let him down and took it upon myself to get involved in everything. And the more work I took on, the more frustrated Scott got. I don’t know why, probably just because he’s Scott, but he started being kind of standoffish. This girl, Jamie, recently got promoted and Scott would send out emails like, “Only Jamie and I are allowed to handle this account. I want to keep it under control so I can’t have anyone else involved.”

Like, okay Scott. Go fuck yourself. So we avoided each other for a week until I got annoyed with walking on eggshells at work and finally confronted him.

“Hey,” I said, walking into his office. “Anything you want help with?”

Scott didn’t look up at me, but shook his head. “No, I can handle it over here.”

I was so frustrated that I just walked out without saying anything. But then later that night after work, I texted him, “Hey, is everything okay? You seem distant lately.”

Really, both of us were avoiding each other, but I was acting like it was completely one sided.

Scott replied, “I have a lot going on, but things are fine. Thank you for asking.”

I read the message and didn’t respond, but Scott continued texting me.

“Any plans this evening? I have friends in town and we are headed to a wine tasting. You’re always welcome.”

No, thank you. I hung out with Scott outside of work a few weeks ago with some other coworkers. He spent the evening telling everyone how talented I am and how I shouldn’t be single because I’m so good looking and amazing. It was really awkward and I just felt like everyone would assume that Scott and I had an inappropriate relationship going on by the things he was saying. So I was avoiding him at work and outside of work.

But now I’m working more closely with Mike and it’s nice because I feel kind of important. I love that he comes to me with questions (instead of Scott) and then tells Scott my ideas and how he wants to implement them. So it kind of feels like Mike and I vs. Scott and Jamie most of the times.

I haven’t really spoken to Zach much. I know that he knows I’m mad at him, but instead of asking me what’s going on, he sends me internet memes. And he sends old memes that I’ve already seen because he’s a little bit older and doesn’t have Instagram. But I usually just leave him on read. He did invite me to dinner one night.

“I want you. Dinner and then back to your place?” Zach texted me.

So I guess his wife wasn’t putting out that night.

I replied, “No, thank you,” and he said, “Okay.”

And then the next morning he continued sending me internet memes. Like what a loser.

I was so distracted by Zach that I didn’t really ever think about Brady (or Tucker even). But he called me last week. When I saw his name pop up, I immediately got really hot and felt like I was going to vomit because I was so nervous. After the whole Christmas party thing, Brady texted me a couple times, but I didn’t care to respond because I was so preoccupied with Zach.

“Hi,” I answered, like I wasn’t shocked and surprised that he was calling.

“Hey, Reese. How are you?” Brady said.

And he sounded so formal and polite and nice that I just about melted.

“I’m fine. What’s up?”

“Leaving work,” he told me. I looked at the clock and saw that it was 4:40 PM. Early for Brady. “I’m sorry this is so last minute, but I’ll be gone for the next three days and I wanted to see if you’d like to keep Tucker during that time? And you could even keep him through the weekend if you want.”

I literally squealed. “Of course I will! I miss my little Tuck and I know he misses me too.”

Brady laughed. “Yeah, he does. We both do.”

I didn’t catch that last piece at the time and continued making arrangements for Brady to drop off Tucker at my apartment the next afternoon (Valentine’s Day).

I was still wearing my clothes from work when I opened the door for Brady, but he had changed into jeans. He looked really good. Tucker was on a leash and patiently sitting, waiting to be let in.

“Oh my God, hiiiii!” I screamed and bent down to give Tucker some loving. He immediately rolled over on his back and sucked it all up.

“Hello,” Brady said.

I looked up at him. “Look at how much Tucker has missed me. How cruel and evil of you to keep us away from each other.”

Brady laughed and then to my surprise, he pulled a single red rose from behind his back. I raised my eyebrows and he said, “It’s from Tucker.”

I stood up and took it from him. “Thanks.” I turned and walked back inside. They followed.

Brady seemed to take a look around at my apartment and then said, “No plans this evening?”

“Not yet,” I told him, wondering if he would take the bait.

He said, “Ah.” He had brought a little drawstring bag full of Tucker’s goodies and sat it on the kitchen counter.

“Where are you going this week?” I had to ask.

“Work stuff,” Brady said, not making eye contact and I automatically knew he was lying. I assumed he was taking a girl on a Valentine’s Day trip.

So I spent the week trying to figure out where Brady was and that proved difficult because he doesn’t use social media. I even asked Preston for help since he basically doubles as a private investigator. He couldn’t find anything either.

But Brady is coming by tomorrow after work to pick up Tucker and I’m super sad and thinking about blocking his number so I can keep the dog. Is that bad? I don’t care.

You know what else has been keeping my mind occupied? Kendra had a fucking baby! A real life, breathing mini human. It’s so weird and creepy. And since she’s not working and the baby sleeps literally all day, she’s bored and texts me a lot. It’s kind of cute, she’s just now catching up on everything that’s been happening in the world that she missed while busy and pregnant. It’s a little girl and she’s actually stunning, like the most beautiful baby I’ve ever seen. I was kind of afraid she would get some of John’s tragic genes, but she’s beautiful just like Kendra. It kind of makes me want one.

Anyway, I’m thinking about downloading some dating apps. Which ones would y’all recommend? I’m not looking for a new boyfriend or anything, I’m just super bored now and want someone to talk to. I miss y’all! What’s new?! 

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an update. 

Hi y’all.

I’m sorry for not being around. I really want to write and share everything going on in my life, but it’s been hard. It’s hard to find the time and also blogging and this blog reminds me so much of Brady. And I’ve impressed myself with how little I’ve been thinking about him.

Probably because I have a distraction. I told y’all that I’ve been seeing someone who I shouldn’t. He’s married. I met him at a birthday party for one of Kendra’s husband John’s friends. She was feeling sorry for me and trying to push me back into the social world and I reluctantly accepted. It was being held at a new restaurant here in Chicago and I knew that I would never get the opportunity to go otherwise because I had no men in my life. Woe is me.

Let’s call him Zach. The first thing I noticed about him was the thick, trendy titanium wedding band on his finger. And then I noticed his suit. It was navy and fit impeccably (I thought men didn’t wear navy suits anymore). He’s a businessman, works in finance at a huge office not far from mine. That’s how we began talking. Where were the good places for lunch takeout, for happy hour after work, the best way to get to O’Hare for a Friday redeye after a long week. I was thinking, “Okay, he’s a nice guy, but too bad he’s married.”

And I’ll admit it, he was really, really hot. Not in a Ryan Reynolds kind of way. He was a bit older, scruffier, with big rough hands and a buzz cut. Like a man you marry kind of hot. And someone did.

I wasn’t surprised at all when he suggested we exchange business cards, but I did assume it was innocent. The man was married and obviously off limits, and that was fine with me.

He emailed later that saying it was nice to meet me. I sent a polite response with a winking emoji and then we just kept emailed each other. And I’m honestly not even sure how it all happened, but we started spending a lot of time together. At first it was just drinks after work. His coworkers would be there and we’d hang out until midnight and we were shitfaced. The second time we ever hung out, he explained that he and his wife were married just for convenience. They’d been married for just a couple years, but the love was gone. They still got along very well and could cohabitate, but separating or divorcing was just not necessary at the time. He said they even stayed in separate bedrooms.

“She’s a nice woman and any man would be lucky to end up with her. But it’s just not me. I’m not attracted her anymore,” he explained.

I should’ve known better than to believe that. Who stays in a marriage just because they are too lazy to separate? That’s not a life anyone would be willing to live. But I was heartbroken and vulnerable and loved having attention from a man, even if he was a taken one.

The first time we hung out alone, it was on a Friday night after work. We had both stayed pretty late at the our respective offices and had worked through lunch and blah blah blah. He invited me to grab a quick bite to eat and I accepted. A little too eagerly.

Something at that dinner changed our dynamic. It was like we were inseparable. And since he’d explained his marriage situation, I figured I wasn’t doing anything wrong. He came back to my place and we proceeded to have the best sex probably ever (the wine and vodka helped). I was hooked.

Zach got me diamonds for Christmas. And ditched his wife and their friends to hang out with me on New Year’s Eve. We made a pizza and sat on my couch drinking tequila and it was the best New Year’s Eve I’ve ever had. He took me to his family’s vacation house in Miami one weekend. He took me to his family’s snowy Michigan home another weekend. Zach usually told me that his wife was doing things with her girlfriends or family and that she wasn’t worried about what he was doing. The only thing I knew about her was that her name is Kelsey and she’s small and blonde (there was a picture hanging at the Michigan house and I took once glance at it and decided not to study it or care about it).

Kelsey would text Zach sometimes when we were out, but not a lot and I figured she was just giving him vital updates about the home they share. Once he was showing me something on his phone and a text notification from her dropped down. She had sent him a couple heart eye emojis and he didn’t try to hide it and neither of us acknowledged it and I assumed it didn’t mean anything.

I even had a pregnancy scare. I was upset about it and a huge bitch, but Zach was surprisingly really supportive about it. I turned out not to be pregnant, thank God, but Zach was really sweet and told me that maybe it wasn’t meant to be right now, but one day I’m going to be a great mother and he hoped he could share that with me. We made a lot of plans for the future. Like even for this spring and summer. He says there are so many places he wants to show me. He said he and Kelsey want to finally divorce this year and do their own things and I was just excited not to have to work around her schedule, you know?

Zach made me super happy and definitely distracted me from Brady (when I was with Zach, I forgot Brady even existed). I didn’t tell any of my friends about him except Preston because Preston of all people would understand the situation and not just judge me and tell me that I was being stupid and naive. I didn’t want to hear that, not when I was so happy. And of course, Preston just wanted the dirty details and to dissect everything (“Is Kelsey seeing other people too? Does his family know he’s taking his mistress on a tour of their vacation houses? Is his dick big?”)

Last week Preston sent me a picture from an Instagram. It was from Kelsey’s Instagram story and it was of Zach holding a little baby kitten. She’d typed, “Finally completed our family!”

My stomach dropped. It was then that I realized that Zach was still very much married and had no plans of separating this woman. They weren’t just married for convenience or simply roommates, they were a couple who had taken vows and just bought a pet together. I was devastated. I realized that whatever Zach and I had, he would always have more with Kelsey.

And now I see him much differently. I always thought it was a little lame to say they were still married because getting a divorce would be too much work, but now I think he’s a huge coward for stringing me along and lying.

Maybe because it was such a whirlwind romance or because I was so vulnerable, but this feels much worse than my breakup with Brady. Like I just don’t understand how I can be the same after this. Zach always said he will always love me no matter what happens and he hopes I feel the same. I don’t know if he spoke that into existence, but I care about him more than I should especially now.

So now I don’t know what to do. I haven’t seen him since last week and I’ve been avoiding him even though he hasn’t asked to see me or anything. I know he can tell something is off, but won’t acknowledge it…because he’s a coward.

I miss y’all so much. And don’t kill me, but I miss Brady too. Everything he did seems so minor compared to this. I don’t think he deliberately strung me along or tried to hurt me, but I know that I need to be done with them both.

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