I was a little sick on Friday and had to leave work early, but I was better by the time Brady got home from work. I think I just needed to sleep it off. I got up and we made dinner and decided we were going to go out with Kendra and John later. Oddly enough John texted Brady inviting us, but Kendra didn’t reach out to me at all. Weird because I thought we were supposed to be best friends.

Anyway, we made plans to go to this stupid pretentious bar and I wore a suede skirt, a v-neck and my over the knee boots. I was feeling so much better that we started taking shots before we even left the house. It was kind of funny how fast we went from, “So how was your day?” to “You’re literally the best thing that’s happened to me.” And also pretty sad that apparently we only feel that way when we’ve been drinking.

When we got to the bar Kendra and John were still en route so Brady and I got a pitcher and sat down at a table. Brady pulled out his phone and sat it on the table and I saw that he had a new message from Hailey. I couldn’t really tell, but I think it said, “How is your night?”

“Who’s that?” I asked pointing to his phone.

Brady picked it up and showed me. He had unlocked his phone and I could see that Hailey had sent the last three or four messages that Brady hadn’t responded to. “She works at the hospital.”

“Ohh!” I said, over the top dramatically.

“In the gift shop,” he continued.

I scrunched my nose. “I thought only elderly women worked in the gift shop.”

Brady shrugged. “I did too, but she’s still a student.”

“Wow, a student,” I echoed. “What does she want with you? Do you help with her homework?”

He laughed. “No. She brings me candy sometimes.”

“Why? It sounds like she has a crush on you.” I could see Kendra and John walking in and Kendra looking around for us.

“I think she’s just being nice,” Brady said.

“Being nice, Brady? You say that about everyone.” I rolled my eyes.

“No, really.”

“Why did you exchange numbers?” I asked and to my dismay, that’s exactly when Kendra and John found us.

“Uh, hey!” Kendra said, leaning down to hug me.

We all hugged and I scooted my stool closer to Brady to make room. He squeezed my knee and I gave him a look like, “We’ll finish this discussion later.” He nodded.

So we all finished off the pitcher that me and Brady had pretty much downed ourselves and ordered another one. Kendra and John were sipping slow and being adults, but Brady and I were already pretty trashed and kind of hogged the second pitcher too. Eventually I was ready to go find disgusting food and kept texting Brady begging to leave.

Luckily, Kendra’s started yawning. “I’m getting tired, you guys. I just can’t stay out late like I used to.”

“It’s been a long day,” John agreed with her.

We got up and started to leave, and I brought up that they better take advantage of being able to stay out late before they started having babies and stuff. Kendra laughed.

Brady grabbed my hips and said something like, “Maybe we’ll make one tonight.”

I turned and hit him playfully because that is literally the last thing we need. We said our goodbyes and went our separate ways. Brady said there was a 24-hour taco place a little bit away so we walked. Literally everything on the menu sounded good so we got every kind of taco, burritos and chips and salsa. They had to give us two bags to carry all our shit.

We were really drunk so I started telling him that I was concerned about the current state of our relationship.

“What are you talking about? It’s fine,” Brady said.

“If you seriously think it’s fine then that’s our biggest problem,” I replied.

He looked offended.

“I just wanna go back to how we were when we first met,” I went on. “It was so fun and now we just fight all the time.”

“Yeah,” he agreed.

I said something like, “I really love you and care about you, but if things don’t get better then we are going to break up.”

“I don’t want that. I love you too.”

“You’re really mean sometimes.”

“I’m sorry. I don’t intend to be mean.”

This went on for like an hour. Brady couldn’t apologize enough. He promised to try harder to be nice to me and I said I would do the same. We left all the extra food on the table and retreated to the bedroom. We had a fairly quick hookup sesh then I climbed off and cuddled him.

“So why did you and this student, Hailey, exchange numbers?” I asked.

Brady was starting to doze off, but that got his attention.

“I don’t know, Reese,” he whined. “She asked for it.”

“And you gave it to her?!” I exclaimed.

“Yes. I’m sorry. I didn’t know what to say,” he continued whining.

“You say, ‘No, I have a hot, but psycho girlfriend at home so I can’t give you my number.'”

“That is true.”

I grabbed his face. “Do you think she’s hot?”

“No,” Brady said automatically.

“Be honest. She’s hot.”

“No. I’m not interested in her in that way. You’re hot, not her.”

“But she’s pretty.”

“She’s good looking, yeah. Not as good looking as you.”

It was kind of cute how Brady kept bringing the attention back to me. Atta boy. I kissed him.

“We need a vacation,” I pointed out. I know that I need my own vacation, but Brady and I were vibing so well that I wanted to take a getaway with him.

“Yeah. Let’s go to my grandparents’ next weekend,” he suggested.

I hadn’t even considered that as an option. Probably because I didn’t plan on vacaying with Brady.

I shrugged. “Okay.”

He grabbed my waist and squeezed me, kissing the side of my face. “I can’t wait. I’ll get our tickets.”

He let me go and I dozed off for a minute before he grabbed me again.

“Reese, I love you,” Brady said.

“Okay then act like it.”

“I know. I will.”

You know what’s crazy? I was hearing blog comments in my head like, “You need to act like it too.” Probably because I know I’m not the world’s greatest girlfriend either.

“I will too. We both need to try harder,” I said.

I was dozing off again, but Brady was ready for round two. What a long night. After we finished, I rolled over and passed out. I was so exhausted.

When I woke up on Saturday morning, Brady wasn’t in the bed and I assumed he was out getting breakfast. My assumption was correct and he came back in a few minutes later with French toast, eggs and bacon. So good.

We ended up spending the entire day together and it was so much fun. I had some things to return to Nordstrom so we went there first. I returned my items then we headed to the men’s department so I could pick out things for bae. Brady absolutely hates shopping, but he was trying so hard to be nice to me that he let me pick out a ton of stuff for him to try on. I thought it was a great time. I made him get a couple casual button downs, a pair of jeans, a pair of shorts and a thin springy sweater. I’m obsessed with all of it.

After Nordstrom we went for mani pedis. Well, I did because Brady refused. I told him that it’s not taboo for guys to get their nails done anymore, but he still wouldn’t. There was a pet store near the nail salon so I insisted we go there next. Tucker is always in need of new things, am I right? So I got him some organic treats, a more springy collar and harness, some dentist chews and several toys.

When we were in line to pay, Brady grabbed my shoulder and said, “You’re going to be such a great mom.”

I turned around and gave him a weird look. What the hell is wrong with him? All the baby comments were fucking weird. I didn’t even say anything back.

We headed to dinner after that. Brady continued being super nice and sweet and even asked me to come over to his side of the booth to sit by him. Usually I only do that when I’m being needy. We were in the restaurant for close to three hours just talking and ordering drinks and food. I don’t understand why it can’t always be like that. We weren’t doing anything at all, but it was so fun and easy.

By the time we got home, Tucker was pissed that we’d been gone so long. But he was happy about his new toys and treats. Brady and I considered going out with his friends that night, but we decided that we were too tired and wanted to stay in. So instead, we set up the guest bedroom in the basement. We bought all new bed linens and stuff for it and moved all the furniture from Chris’s old bedroom downstairs, but after setting everything up I realized that it was plain and bare and not welcoming at all.

So naturally I made a Pinterest vision board and made a list of items I needed to get. I decided on a rustic theme with muted colors and lots of wood and textures so we don’t have to get any new furniture. Can’t wait for it to all come together!

I got brunch with Kendra on Sunday. I told her about Brady’s baby and mom comments.

“So let me get this straight,” she said. “He’s afraid to commit to marriage, but he isn’t afraid to have a baby?”

“Apparently. Isn’t that strange? I just can’t believe he keeps saying stuff like that,” I said.

“Maybe he actually is ready to commit now. Have you talked about it lately?”

“Hell no!” I exclaimed. “I’m not bringing that up again.”

“You need to see where his head is. If I were you I wouldn’t be okay with him making comments like that, but claiming he doesn’t want to get married. He’s giving you mixed signals,” Kendra said.

“Well, maybe,” I thought out loud. “But maybe he doesn’t necessarily want to get married, but still wants to build a life with me and stuff.”

“Do you think his mother is going to go for that? He can’t even tell her that you’re living together and you think she’s going to be okay with you having children out of wedlock?” Kendra pointed out.

“Who fucking cares what she thinks? She doesn’t control my life.”

“Brady cares.”

True. So maybe I’m reading too much into it and Brady didn’t even mean anything by what he said, but I think he had a change of heart. Right?

We talked about Carly. They picked out a date; it’s going to be November of this year. She’s dead set on doing this deep red, wine color, but she’s having trouble picking an accent color. I keep trying to convince her that blush pink would be perfect with it, but she isn’t convinced. I even made a Pinterest board.

Brady hasn’t texted Hailey back since Friday night and I wonder if it’s because I confronted him about her. Maybe he feels guilty. I kind of feel like this is exactly like the Matt situation (the businessman from the plane) where Brady just likes the attention. I read through all their messages and he’s never mentioned me once. Well, at least he seems to have learned his lesson now.

Brady’s been moody lately. I had Monday off so I went to the grocery store then slaved away in the kitchen making a Greek inspired dinner. And a chocolate cake. I was pretty proud of myself and excited for Brady to try my dish. He ended up working late and was exhausted by the time he got home. He barely even said hi to me before getting in bed and going to sleep.

Brady must have felt bad about it because he woke me up the next morning and offered to take me to Starbucks and then to work. Yes please.

Luke was waiting for me in the design room when I got in. He had been there for an hour already working on ideas. When Luke is in the zone, he’s in the zone. He started rambling off ideas while I sipped my green tea latte, ate my donut and nodded. I heard footsteps and then saw Stacey walk in.

“Hey babies,” she said, hopping on the table next to me.

I didn’t even acknowledge her.

“I heard back from that job,” she said.

That got my attention. I turned to face her, hoping for good news.

“They want someone with more experience. So they offered me a junior position, but it only pays $42,000. I was hoping for at least $60k.”

I just couldn’t help putting my two cents in.

“Are you really in any position to be that picky right now? With no experience, it’ll be a good way to get your foot in the door. Plus, you’re still living at home so it’s not like you have a ton of expenses,” I said.

“I just want to be like you, Reese,” she said sweetly. “I want a high paying job with no experience and not have to do anything plus have a rich boyfriend who doesn’t make me pay for anything.”

“What are you talking about?” was all I could think to say back even though it was obvious what she was talking about.

Stacey started laughing like the maniac that she is. I glared at Luke because obviously he’d told her everything.

“Reese, you are literally goals,” she laughed. And then she reached over and grabbed my donut with her gross little fingers. She couldn’t break off a piece with just one hand so she started touching all over my donut.

“Can you fucking not?!” I exclaimed and grabbed the thing from her.

She’d managed to get a little piece off and popped it in her mouth while laughing.

I stormed out. Later on, Stacey went running around the office telling everyone that she’d gotten a lead on a major new account. I whispered to Luke, “Congrats on doing your job, bitch,” and he gave me a look.

“It’s just a lead?” I asked her. “What if it falls through?”

“It won’t fall through,” she said, flipping her hair at me.

I don’t even know why I continue trying to communicate with her. She’s just always in my face like a gnat and I can’t help it.

When I got home that night, I played with Tucker for a little bit then I made dinner and dessert and waited for Brady to get home. When he got home I was playing with Tucker on the floor of the living room. Brady walked past without saying anything and I got up and followed him.

“I made dinner. It’s from the Pioneer Woman,” I said.

“Could you have made a bigger fucking mess?” Brady asked, tossing a pan that I didn’t even end up using.

“I’m going to clean obviously,” I said.

He mumbled something about the place being disgusting and stormed out. I followed him.

“Did you have a bad day?” I asked as we walked toward the bedroom.

No response.

We got in the room and Brady said, “Of course, it’s a disaster in here too.”

I’ll admit, I made a bit of a mess when I was getting ready in the morning and I hadn’t had time to clean it up. But only because I’d come home and immediately started on dinner for Brady. I watched as he started picking stuff up off the floor – my boots, an empty shopping bag, etc. My makeup bag was sitting on the nightstand and I had some products sitting out and Brady grabbed all of it and shoved it in the empty shopping bag.

“What the fuck? Don’t touch my shit!” I exclaimed and pushed him. He held the bag out to me, so I could finish cleaning I guess, and stormed into the bathroom.

I heard the shower come on and I called my mom.

“Dad said he would help me buy a condo. I need him to find me one because I can’t live with this asshole anymore,” I said when she picked up.

“Babe, stop being mean to Brady. He’s so good to you,” she said.

Usually my mom only hears the good side of our relationship because I don’t like to tell her everything else (moms always hold a grudge) so she thinks he’s perfect.

“I made a Pioneer Woman recipe and he didn’t even eat it because he was too worried about the kitchen being a mess,” I ranted.

“You have to clean as you cook, sweetie,” my mom said in the most condescending voice ever. “Your dad has been teaching you that since forever.”

I was annoyed that she wasn’t taking my side so I told her I had to go and hung up. I thought if anyone would understand, it would be my mom. She’s messy like me and we had to hire a cleaning service to clean our house once a week. So she has some nerve telling me to clean as I cook. I finished picking up all my things from Brady’s room (it wasn’t even that bad) and moved it to the office. I decided that I would get ready there in the mornings instead. I’d loaded the dishwasher and was scrubbing the counters when Brady walked into the kitchen.

“Hey. I’m sorry,” he said immediately.

I glared at him. “You’re sorry? Why?” I just wanted him to admit that he was being a dick for no reason and own up to it.

“For yelling at you. Thank you for cleaning,” Brady said.

“Apology not accepted. I made a mess because I was making dinner for you. So leave me alone while I finish up in here.”

“I’ll help,” he said and picked up a sponge to help me with the counters.

I wanted to ask why he didn’t just help in the first place, but didn’t and we worked in silence for a little while.

Once we were done and the kitchen was sparkling clean, Brady asked, “Do you want me to go get ice cream?”

“Yes,” I said without even looking up at him.

After he left, I thought it would be a great time to get some gifts out of him so I texted him saying there were some things I wanted on Nordstrom.com and could I use his card to get it? He didn’t even ask how much it was and just said, “Yes.”

Sucker. I ordered a pair of sunglasses, the Hourglass ambient lighting edit highlighting palette plus the matching brush. So nothing too crazy, lucky for him.

When he got home, we sat in the living room and ate our ice cream and talked about our days. Brady is probably sick of hearing about Stacey too, but he still listens and tells me to ignore her, avoid her and not stoop to her level. So easy for him to say.

After we finished our ice cream, we started fooling around on the couch. It was long overdue. We never do anything besides kiss anymore and it’s equally weird and frustrating. It kind of freaks me out because we used to be super sexually active and have sex almost every single day. Makes me wonder if he’s getting it elsewhere. It doesn’t help that I keep having dreams at night of him hooking up with other girls. One of them appeared to be that Hailey girl (he was having sex with a petite blonde, but I couldn’t see her). Another night, I had a dream that Brady was sitting down and Stacey kept walking past him and rubbing his shoulders and stuff. Then eventually they disappear into a room. That dream offended me much more than the other one only because Stacey was involved. I wanted to kill her. She’s such a bitch, showing up in my dream and touching all over my man.

She made a comment about me living with Brady rent free again on Wednesday.

“You don’t even know what you’re talking about so mind your own business,” I said back.

She started laughing, obviously. “It isn’t a bad thing, jeez. I wish I had a generous boyfriend too.”

Later on in the day Luke invited both of us to party on Saturday night and after Stacey said yes, I pretended I had other plans. Luke texted me and said, “Do you actually have plans or do you not want to go because she’s going?”

“The latter.”

“You’re petty,” he said.

I feel like Luke and I are drifting apart because he’s so close with Stacey and I hate her so much. It sucks, but I physically can’t be around her especially outside of work. So if he wants to hang out with her all the time, I’ll let him.

That Hailey girl texted Brady on Wednesday night and said, “Hey, do you still think you can make it on Friday night?”

They haven’t talked about anything happening on Friday so I don’t know what she’s referring to. Which leads me to believe that they must have seen each other in person recently. I just don’t understand where they could have met.

Brady replied, “I’ll let you know.”

That was the only time they messaged this week and I’m super duper curious to see what he does tonight, if he tells me he has plans or what. I’ve been checking her Facebook constantly trying to figure out who she is. So far, I haven’t found out anything. She and Brady aren’t even friends! It’s frustrating.

Y’all will be happy to know that I downloaded the Handy app and booked our first cleaning on Monday! I’m not going to tell Brady and pretend that I’m just getting better about cleaning. #lifehack

I’m sorry for continuously complaining about Stacey, but she’s so terrible. I’ve honestly never met someone with such an awful personality. She’s the worst!

On Monday, we had a staff meeting and Luke and I were planning out what we needed to present at the meeting. Stacey was sitting in the room with us sucking on an iced coffee because she had nothing better to do (obviously she has nothing important to present). Luke and I were throwing ideas back and forth and Stacey would cut in and give her terrible suggestions.

“Instead of saying that, you should just start showing the samples,” she interrupted.

And I said, “No Stacey, we need to start with the story behind the collection because I think that’s important.”

She said, “I think that’s dumb.”

As if I cared what she thought. That went on all morning until the meeting. On Tuesday we got into an actual argument. It was so dumb. We were all standing in the break room eating cake (it was someone’s birthday) and talking about an incident that happened the previous day. There’s a guy in our office who claims to be straight, but he flirts hardcore with Luke all the time. The previous day I saw the same guy flirting with another gay in the office so I decided to tell Luke so we could discuss.

“They were not flirting,” Stacey said, rolling her eyes.

“You weren’t even there!” I shot back.

“Yes, I was. I saw the whole thing and they were definitely not flirting,” she said.

I couldn’t remember if Stacey actually was there when the incident happened, but I couldn’t stand her arguing with me.

“I wasn’t even talking to you. You are so annoying,” I said.

Stacey started laughing.

Luke said, “Wait, so were they flirting or not? Tell me exactly what happened!”

“I don’t even want to talk about it anymore,” I said.

“Why, because it never happened?” Stacey taunted.

“Why are you even here? Do you not have any work to do? I never see you doing work!” I said.

“I never see you doing any work either. No one does!” Stacey laughed.

“You guys, stop fighting!” Luke exclaimed.

Stacey walked out and continued laughing.

“I seriously hate her,” I said after she was gone.

Luckily though, after our little fight we avoided each other for the rest of the week. We would pass each other in the hallway and break room and not say a word to each other which I didn’t mind at all. Luke tried to get me to talk her once but I had such a bad reaction that he didn’t try it again.

Brady left for Massachusetts on Friday after work and I decided that I would spend the weekend cleaning and catching up on laundry. Kendra invited me over for dinner on Friday night. Preston came too, but he brought Joe and they finished an entire bottle of wine by themselves. So they were being really obnoxious. Preston has flaked on me and ditched me a ton the past few months to hang out with Joe so I haven’t seen much of him. Apparently Joe is really insecure and doesn’t like to let Preston out of his sight. I don’t like him.

Lexi came over on Saturday night and the plan was to drink wine and eat chocolate, but it was one of her coworkers’ birthday so we headed to the bar to help celebrate. The birthday girl was actually super rude and demanded a gift from both me and Lexi. Bitch, my presence is your gift. I’d never even met her. But still, I bought her a tequila shot because I’m a great person. I had a ton of fun, but I hadn’t heard from Brady much during the day so I was really sad about that. I called him on my Uber ride home and he didn’t pick up so naturally I sobbed myself to sleep. It was ridiculous how much I missed him.

He came home on Sunday morning before I’d even gotten up for the day.

“I got you something,” he told me.

That got me out of bed. It was a fucking FitBit. I didn’t ask for that. But we are supposed to be training for some race (lol) so I guess that was nice of him to help me get started. So now I’m looking for one of those cute bracelets to put it in because it’s not my style at all. Any suggestions?

Later on in the day, as he was getting undressed, Brady told me he got a new tattoo.

I’m like, “Oh, okay. Wait, what?” because he made no mention of a fucking tattoo at all.

He shrugged and held his arm out so I could see it. It was on the inside of his bicep – a super hipstery tattoo location.

“What the fuck is that?” I asked.

Brady explained that it was the symbol for pharmacy and called it some weird name. But it was a snake wrapped around a cup. It was hideous.

“Why did you get it?” I asked, trying not to sound super judgmental even though I was absolutely judging.

“Honestly, I had too much to drink. I shouldn’t have done it,” Brady said.

“Wait,” I smiled. “You got drunk and did something you shouldn’t have?”

He smiled back sheepishly.

“You can always get it covered up with a picture of me,” I suggested and Brady laughed.

I’ve been looking at Brady’s messages again. I felt bad about it and decided not to do it for a while, but while he was gone I just couldn’t help it. He’s been texting this girl named Hailey. She seems super flirty and told him to have a great trip home and kept asking him how things were going and sending him pictures of her drinks and food. Obviously I looked this broad up on Facebook and she graduated from high school in 2013 and she’s still in college! What the fuck is Brady doing talking to a college student? She can’t be older than 21. She’s cute – blonde hair/blue eyes and definitely fits the description of Brady’s mistress. Brady isn’t necessarily flirting with her back, but he’s being way nicer than I’d like him to be. How can I ask who she is without admitting that I’ve been reading his messages? He will be pissed plus I don’t want to lose access to read them! It’s addicting!

Do y’all remember that girl Maddi that Brady works with? She was nice enough, but she sent Brady some kissing emojis about a year ago and I haven’t heard much from her since. She followed me on Instagram yesterday. My page is wide open so I just think it’s weird that she followed me. I feel like she’s just being nosy, but also wants me to know she’s being nosy. Or maybe she’s genuinely interested in my life. I think everyone’s the enemy.

I don’t think I have anything else to say. Except that I got three or four inches cut off my hair and I love it. I feel like I look a million times better. Is that dramatic? A good haircut can change your life. I also spent an ungodly amount of money on makeup and beauty products last week and Sephora is probably as sick of me as I am sick of them. How was y’all’s weekend?

Brady telling me he didn’t want to get married was unsettling and it was all I could think about on Wednesday. I honestly wasn’t mad at him. I couldn’t bring myself to be. It just sucked.

Like I said, he was extra nice all day then in the afternoon he texted me letting me know that he was staying at work and getting drinks with his coworkers afterward. It was someone’s birthday. All I said was, “Cool.”

And he added, “You can come if you want.”

Obviously he only said that out of pity so I declined. I spent the evening watching tv, eating everything in sight and replying to comments. Brady said they would just go out for a few drinks, but I was in bed by the time he got home. I pretended to be sleeping while he quietly got undressed and then slid in the bed with me and Tucker. Brady wrapped his arms around my waist and spooned me, kissing my shoulder.

I let him get settled in for a few minutes then I rolled over so I was facing him.

“Hi,” Brady said. I could smell the beer and all the alcohol on his breath.

It was pitch black so he couldn’t see my smile. I put my arms around him and rubbed the side of his cold face and neck as a greeting.

“I love you,” he murmured.

I stopped rubbing. “Oh, you do?”

“I do.”

“That’s nice. But you don’t want to marry me.”

“I don’t know.”

“What does that mean?”

“Marriage is scary.”

“How is it scary?”

Silence. So I continued.

“If you find someone you want to spend the rest of your life with then it shouldn’t be scary at all.”

I guess this was the issue at hand – whether or not Brady wanted to spend his life with me. Totally acceptable if he didn’t want to or didn’t know, but I needed to know if I was wasting my time with him.

“What if I think I do now, but in a few years things change?” Brady asked in a soft voice.

“Why would that happen?” I probed.

“People change. Feelings change. Situations change.”

Something told me that Brady was speaking from personal experience. That thought didn’t even occur to me, but maybe that’s Brady being realistic and me living in some fantasy land.

“That’s a pretty pessimistic way to think,” I said.

“Yeah, I know.”

“I don’t understand what kind of future you want if you aren’t interested in marriage.”

“I really don’t know.”

Silence.

“I don’t want you to leave,” Brady said. When he said that I thought he meant he didn’t want me to move out because that’s certainly what I’d been thinking. “I want you in my future.”

“I do too, but I want to get married one day. If you don’t think that will ever happen with us then I’m not sure if I should stay.”

“Okay.”

Oh-fucking-kay. I sighed.

“I don’t want to do that right now. I want to enjoy each other without all the pressure of it. Is that selfish?” Brady said.

“I dunno. I guess not. But I don’t want to waste my time if you have no intentions of ever getting married. You know I want to get married, Brady,” I replied.

“I know.”

I kind of wanted to strangle him. Like give me some damn answers! I sighed again.

“I just need time,” he said. “But if you want to leave me, I get it.”

“Time for what?”

I felt Brady grab my shoulders, pulling me closer. “To give you what you want.”

Marriage? It was like he was afraid to say the word. But I figured it wasn’t an exact and direct no so I was going to take it. “Okay.”

Brady continued being nice the next day, making me breakfast and offering to get off work early to take me to dinner. I accepted. We went to a barbecue place that wasn’t exactly romantic, but it was delicious and that’s all that matters. We didn’t bring up our conversation from the night before and I hoped that he wasn’t too drunk to remember that it happened.

I talked to Kendra about it.

“It sounds like he has some growing up to do,” she told me. “It took John seven years to propose. I think it’s fair for him to ask for more time.”

“I can’t believe you never got impatient. Seven fucking years,” I said.

“There was no rush. We knew we were going to be together forever. Forever is a long time, Reese,” she lectured me.

I guess I get that, but I feel like before we get engaged, anything could happen. There’s no guarantee. Plus my ring finger is itching.

When Brady and I got home from dinner, we sat in the living room watching Netflix and working on our laptops. I was looking up destinations for my solo vacay. It started to get late and Brady shut his laptop and got up and yawned.

“Coming to bed, babe?” he asked.

“Yeah, hold on. Let me just bookmark this,” I said, not looking up.

I met him in the bedroom and asked, “Is the weather nice in Belize this time of year?”

“Nice. It’s a tropical climate so there is rarely unsatisfying weather. Why?”

“I’m planning a trip.”

Brady looked at me. “When? I probably can’t get any time off until March or April.”

Oh, awkward. I couldn’t even look at him so I shimmied past him to the bathroom. “I’m going alone.”

“Oh.”

He didn’t mention it again.

I got in a fight with Stacey on Friday and I really don’t think I’ll speak to her again. In the morning, I was talking to Luke about some designs and how they hadn’t turned out exactly how we were envisioning. We had gotten a sample a few weeks ago and made some tweaks which Stacey was there for. She tried to input a ton of ideas that obviously we didn’t use because she knows nothing. So Luke and I were complaining about the final sample.

“I told you not to do that, Reese,” Stacey said matter-of-factly. “You should’ve listened to me.”

“You don’t know anything about design,” I said dismissing her.

She laughed like that was the funniest thing she’s ever heard. So annoying.

In the afternoon, I found her hanging out with Luke in the design room even though she has no business being in our suite. I kind of rolled my eyes at her when I saw her. She and Luke were talking about college and all the drugs they did.

“Yeah, this one time I was tripping on acid and I thought the ceiling was on fire,” Stacey was saying. “I was literally screaming and rolling on the floor like this.” She was sitting on the table next to my work bag and she dropped to the ground to demonstrate, knocking my bag and its contents down with her.

“What are you doing?!” I exclaimed.

Stacey laughed uncontrollably and rolled around on the floor with my belongings. She was literally rolling on my makeup bag and headphones and phone charger and stuff.

“Can you fucking get up? What’s your problem?” I continued ranting, while picking my things up.

Luke came over and helped Stacey up because she couldn’t stop laughing. I was seriously so pissed that I called Brady at work to tell him what happened.

“She’s lucky nothing is broken,” I sniffled.

“I understand. Maybe just try to stay away from her for a while. It sounds like you’ve been butting heads a lot lately,” Brady said.

“Because she sucks. I hate her. She’s the stupidest human being on the planet!” I continued.

Brady managed to calm me down by telling me that he’d bring macarons home.

The weekend was pretty uneventful. I woke up on Saturday and made a huge, ridiculous breakfast just because I could. Then we spent three hours cleaning the entire house top to bottom. I talked Brady into getting a new couch. It’s white. He was hesitant about getting white because of Tucker, but I assured him it would be fine as long as we do a good job maintaining it. Brady loves keeping clean so I’m sure we won’t have to worry about it.

We went to a dive bar on Saturday night. It was gross out, but we were going stir crazy inside. I ordered a beer and tots and Brady and I spent the night getting drunk and making friends with the bartender.

I haven’t decided on my vacation yet, but Brady is visiting his parents next weekend which is so dumb. There’s no special occasion, he’s just going for fun. What the hell? Since when is his parents’ house fun? He didn’t even invite me, which is fine because I don’t want to go. So maybe I’ll have a party. Anyone in?

Going back to work on Monday was so hard. I hardly even thought about work at all on my break and as soon as I walked in the office I started hating my life again. One of the first people I saw was Dale. I’d stopped at Starbs on the way to work and gotten an extra pastry because I was feeling piggish, but when I saw Dale I decided to give it to him.

“Hey Dale!” I chirped. “I brought you something!”

He took the bag from me and peeked in. “Oh, a scone? I don’t like those.” Then handed the bag back to me.

Like, how ungrateful can you be? I ended up throwing the stupid thing away because I was so annoyed.

Stacey called in sick, again. I asked Luke what her problem is.

“I think she has another job interview,” he informed me.

“That’s like, not okay. She can’t just do that,”
I said.

“Well, what should she do then?” Luke snapped.

“Schedule them for a time she’s not working obviously!”

“That’s a little bit hard when she’s always working,” Luke said, matter-of-factly.

“I literally don’t even care. Hopefully she gets a new job soon,” I said and we dropped it.

Preston texted me on Monday.

“Carly’s ring? U G L Y,” he said.

“That’s mean,” I replied. “I think it’s cute for her.”

“The green though? It looks like phlegm,” he continued.

I didn’t respond.

“Do you think she’s pregnant?” he asked.

“No. Idk. I haven’t thought about it. Why?” I said.

“I just feel like it happened out of nowhere. Why are they suddenly wanting to get married? She’s totally pregnant.”

I thought about it and remembered that Carly was taking shots with us on NYE so she can’t be pregnant. I told Preston this. He still believed his theory that she’s pregnant and they are rushing. Whatever.

I go to this deli by the office that I go to all the time sometimes for lunch. I went for lunch on Tuesday and ended up next to this guy at the salad bar. He struck up a conversation with me by saying he loves coming to this place when he’s in Chicago.

So of course I’m like, “Oh, where are you from?”

He smiled and said, “Guess.”

I detected a bit of an accent, maybe European so I figured it must be somewhere over there. He was pretty tall and muscular, bald but had a bit of a 5 o’clock shadow, and green eyes. He wasn’t even hot, he was sexy.

“Um, Greece?” I guessed.

He looked surprised. “Really? I’ve never heard that one. I’m from Jordan.”

I said, “Oohhh,” and nodded.

“Do you even know where that is?” he asked.

Busted.

I smiled. “Over there somewhere.”

“Six thousand miles away. I come here once a month,” he told me.

I asked why and we proceeded to have a kind of flirty conversation (him inviting me to Jordan, offering to show me around, me smiling coyly) while building our salads. A little blonde girl wearing a beanie came and stood in between with two sandwiches on her plate.

“I’m going to pay and sit down,” she told him.

He said goodbye to me and the two went on their way. I paid for my meal and sat down a few tables away from them. I didn’t think anything of it and ate my food while doing some work. A little while later, the guy leaned over his table to talk to me. The girl was gone.

“Hey!” he said. “Just so you know, we are not together. She is not my girlfriend.”

I gave him a weird look. “Um, okay. I don’t care if she is.”

He leaned back into his seat. “Okay. I just wanted to let you know.”

Guys are real dicks.

When I got home I started looking at recipes to make for dinner on Pinterest. I wasn’t in the mood for anything and definitely wasn’t in the mood to go anywhere so I texted Brady asking him to bring something home. He ended up getting tacos (Taco Tuesday, hello!) and we sat in the dining room eating them.

We talked about Carly and Chris again. Carly had texted me during the day asking if I had any ideas for venues (they are getting married in Chicago). I asked him if he had any ideas and if he wanted to get married in a church because there’s a really beautiful church in Houston that I’ve always wanted to get married in. Of course, Brady started clamming up and getting all quiet which I find annoying.

“You know, if we get engaged we don’t have to get married right away. Some people have engagements as long as two or three years,” I said just to make him feel better. I will never stay engaged for that long.

Brady nodded.

“So yeah.”

And then Brady dropped a motherfucking bombshell on me. Without looking up he said, “I don’t even know if I want to get married at all.”

“Wait, what?” I exclaimed.

“It’s not you. I just don’t really see the point.”

“Brady!” I have never, ever heard Brady say that he has no interest in getting married at all. I know he gets all weird and doesn’t like to talk about it, but he’s never flat out said he doesn’t want to. “Where is this coming from?”

He shrugged, still not looking up at me. “I don’t know. It just seems pointless to me. If two people love each other, what is marriage going to change? If anything it makes it more complicated.”

“So if we are together for – I don’t know – fifteen years, unmarried, and one day you decide to just up and leave, you think it’s fine not to have consequences? You don’t have to pay? You can just leave?” I said.

Brady finally looked up at me. “Is that what it’s about for you?”

“No, but I think that would be really shitty.”

“I think it’s even more shitty to stay in a marriage because no one wants to deal with the consequences,” Brady pointed out.

I didn’t say anything. I felt tears forming. He’s kind of right. I don’t even really believe in divorce (because once you’re married, you’re married for life), so how awful and miserable would it be to stay in a marriage because I don’t believe in divorce?

“I just see how messy it can get. I don’t want that,” he said.

“I don’t either!” I exclaimed. “Who does? And who goes into a marriage thinking so negatively? Of course it’s going to fail if you think it will.”

“That’s not what I meant.”

“I can’t believe you’re just now saying this. You know how much I want to get married. To you.”

“I’m sorry. I’m not ruling it out. I just-” Brady started, but I cut him off because I literally just couldn’t.

“Honestly, it’s fine. I don’t even care.”

We finished our food and I cleaned and did laundry and avoided the bedroom where Brady was. When I finally got in bed, he tried fooling around which is crazy because we hardly ever even have sex anymore. Maybe like once a week. So I pushed him off and told him that I was tired.

So I don’t know. I know I shouldn’t be mad at him and I’m not, but I feel like I’m wasting my time. I want to move out. Not even to be dramatic – I just need space. And Brady has been being super nice today. He made me breakfast before he went to work, called me on a break just to talk and even asked if I wanted him to get me tickets to Coachella. I’m working from home today so I haven’t left the bed. If I move out do I get to take Tucker?

I know Brady isn’t perfect or anything like that, that’s not what I meant in my last post. But as far as I know, he doesn’t snoop or go through my phone or messages which I’m totally guilty of. Not only that, I had no reason to do it and didn’t even find anything incriminating. I feel bad about it. I don’t think Brady would invade my privacy like that and it’s really sad that I would do it to him. And also that I would lie about sleeping at Lexi’s and accept a really expensive gift from a man. I would kill him if he did any of that to me. Speaking of which, I have the Louis Vuitton bag hidden in my trunk. If Brady sees it he will accuse me of shopping and spending too much money (now I’m depressed so I actually am shopping) and if I tell him where it really came from he will think Marco and I have something going on. Which we don’t. Does anyone want a new Louie bag?

Happy New Year. I think I’m still recovering from the weekend.

I decided to have people over on Thursday night to pregame before going to a penthouse party later. So I bought two bottles of champagne, two bottles of tequila, and ingredients to make a Greek feta dip.

I wore a high neck embellished dress and a fur vest and since I had already started drinking when I did my makeup, I went all out with falsies and everything. I haven’t worn false eyelashes since I was in college.

One of Brady and Chris’s friends was hosting the party. I think he rented out the place specifically for the party because it was so fucking nice. When we first got there I ran to the floor to ceiling windows, asked Brady to take a picture of me then demanded to move in.

“Maybe in a few years, babe,” he said and I hugged him.

There were ice buckets with bottles of champagne and liquor so naturally I helped myself to them. It was like a scavenger hunt. I’d find a bottle of Grey Goose and then shout, “Guys, I found the Grey Goose!” to my friends and then I’d pour us a shot. What a fun idea for a party.

Most of the night was a blur, but Carly and I ran around holding hands a lot just like old times. I made Brady wait outside the bathroom for me and I spent about twenty minutes in there talking to my mom. She called me early because she said she didn’t know where she’d be at midnight, but wanted to wish me a happy new year in advance. She’s so considerate.

When I walked out of the bathroom Brady grabbed my hand and led me to the main area where everyone was gathering. I saw Carly’s little silver dress in the middle of the crowd of people and I could see that she was looking down at someone. It didn’t take me long to realize that Chris was proposing. I literally gasped and turned to Brady to see if he was as shocked as I was. He shushed me.

I turned back and everyone started cheering.

“Oh my fucking God. She said yes?” I said to Brady, but he was already elbowing through the crowd to congratulate them.

I followed Brady and Carly came running over to me screaming.

“Oh my God! I told you!” she squealed and threw her arms around my neck.

I was so surprised that I didn’t even know what to say. She pulled away and grinned at me expectantly and I finally said, “Let me see your ring.”

It was a tiny vintage inspired ring with a light, light green center diamond and swirly designs. It’s not my style at all, but it was so pretty.

“Aww,” I cooed. “Congratulations. I can’t believe this.”

We cried and hugged for a while until Brady and Chris came over. Carly and Chris getting engaged was great and amazing and honestly made me kind of hopeful for me and Brady’s relationship. So I suggested we take a celebratory shot and I kept drinking until I blacked out.

Brady woke me up the next morning before he left for work. I rolled over and immediately saw one of my fake eyelashes sitting on the pillow next to my face.

“How are you feeling?” he asked.

I made a weird sound, rolled over and went back to sleep. When I woke up later, I warmed some leftovers from the day before, grabbed a bottle of water and snuggled on the couch with Tucker and the iPad. So technically, it’s Brady’s iPad, but I use it all the time to watch YouTube videos and shop and stuff. I never realized it before, but Brady’s iCloud account is connected to his iPad. He must have turned the notifications off or something because they never pop up.

I noticed a new message icon so I clicked on it. I couldn’t help myself plus I didn’t realize that it was Brady’s actual real life messages. The message was from Daniela, the young girl who works as Brady’s grandparent’s housekeeper in Florida. It was in Spanish so I didn’t know what it said, but she used smiling emojis. I was so excited that I was in his messages that I didn’t even think to take the time to translate it all. I think that whole relationship is a little bit bizarre. I backed out and looked at all of Brady’s message threads. I found Anna and I couldn’t click on it fast enough.

The last message was from her saying, “Good night,” and I scrolled up so I could see the full conversation. Apparently she had done a photographer friend a favor and modeled for some photos and sent the pictures to Brady. He told her that they looked nice and she proceeded to tell him all about the photo shoot, how many outfit changes there were and how awful the clothes felt, all the makeup she had to wear (which is crazy because to me it looked like only had mascara on), etc.

I scrolled up more and saw that Brady had sent her some pictures of the progress in the basement (it’s still not done) and our bedroom. He told her that I’d “let” him pick out the entertainment center which is true. Anna seemed surprised that the bedroom transformation was all me (remind me to post a pic on Twitter). She even said I was “gifted in that area.” I’m guessing she saw Brady’s all white boring bedroom before.

I scrolled up more and saw them talking about Lindsey and work and it genuinely seems like they are still just great friends. It wasn’t romantic at all. Which made me feel kind of bad for snooping, but not really. I guess I wanted to find some dirt because I started reading the other threads. Lindsey, Chris, Hunter, etc. I didn’t find anything juicy except the fact Hunter and his wife think she might be pregnant again. Ew.

There was a thread with someone named Liz and I eagerly opened it, hoping to find something. But I guess they work together and she talked about her boyfriend and he talked about me a lot. Ugh.

I got a late lunch with Kendra and Carly later in the day. Kendra had spent New Year’s Eve at home with her hubby and hadn’t seen Carly since the engagement. I was excited to discuss everything while sober.

Kendra squealed and hugged Carly for like five minutes. I sat there rolling my eyes because it was super over the top and ridic.

“Were you surprised?” Kendra asked.

Carly glanced at me. “Kind of. I felt it coming, but we wanted to wait a few years.”

“That’s how it was with John and I too. I’m so glad we did it when we did it though,” Kendra said. She started grilling Carly on everything, if they’d picked out a date, was it going to be in Chicago, did they plan on staying in Philly long term, etc. Obviously Carly didn’t have any answers yet. She said Chris didn’t even talk to either of their parents about it beforehand which is just so irresponsible. But whatever floats your boat I suppose.

At the end of the conversation, Carly said, “Soon it’s going to be your turn, Reese!” and Kendra burst out laughing as if that will never happen.

I glared at her and she grabbed my hand. “Love you, Reesie.”

“What’s funny?” I snapped.

“Nothing! I’m sure Brady will propose one day. Or whoever you end up with,” she said, smiling.

“It’ll be Brady,” I assured them.

They didn’t object and we changed the subject.

Marco wanted to give me my gift on Saturday evening. I suggested we meet at Starbucks and he was already waiting for me there. Marco just doesn’t even look like he belongs in a Starbucks with his huge arms, beard and fitted White Sox hat. Plus he’d already ordered my girly looking frappuncino and it looked funny next to him.

“Hey you,” he greeted me with a hug. He had a big gift bag in his hand and I tried to peek in it.

“What is it?” I asked.

Marco smirked at me and held the bag out. I peeked inside and saw the white Louis Vuitton monogram print.

“Marco,” I said, looking at him and not taking the bag. “I don’t want it.”

“Yes you do, crazy girl,” he said.

I guess I didn’t put up that much of a fight, but Marco wouldn’t let me refuse the gift. A fucking Louis Vuitton bag. I literally didn’t get him anything. And it really weirded me out because it matches the LV card holder Brady got me for Christmas. So I don’t know what to do with it. I haven’t given him any reason to give me an LV bag, I promise. I’m not leading him on or anything. Seriously.

That night I went out to a sports bar with Lexi. The guy she was talking to turned out to be engaged so she needed a crazy night out. We went to a bar we’ve been to together before and the bartender remembered us and took shots with us. He’s actually married (he has a ring), but he still flirted with us and gave us a ton of free drinks.

There was a group of guys sitting at a table behind us and one of them got up and introduced himself and asked us to sit with them. Lexi was off her stool before I could even decide if I wanted to or not.

Within half an hour, Lexi had picked one of them to be her man for the night. I was hanging out with a guy named Sam, who works for Tesla in California, but was visiting his friends for the weekend. We all decided to go to another bar and I don’t remember even getting there. I vaguely recall fighting with the door guy at the next bar and taking more shots (my idea).

We ended up at a high rise apartment and Lexi and I raided the refrigerator because we were starving. We found pizza rolls and heated up the entire bag for everyone. Lexi disappeared upstairs with her guy and I fell asleep on the couch with my plate of pizza rolls.

Lexi woke me up.

“Your boyfriend is blowing up your phone,” she told me grumpily, shoving the phone in my hand.

I sat up and looked around, momentarily forgetting where I was. The apartment was really fucking nice with high ceilings and huge windows. I’d slept through the night and I could see that it was morning.

“Hey,” I answered.

“Where the hell are you?” Brady demanded, sounding annoyed.

“I’m at Lexi’s,” I answered.

“Are you kidding me? Where does she live? I’ve been trying to get ahold of you all night!”

“I’m coming home right now,” I said calmly. “No need to freak out.”

Brady hung up on me so I knew I needed to get home fast. Lexi tried to get me to stay because the guys wanted to take us to brunch (brunch? In my dress and makeup from last night?), but I told her that Brady was going to have my ass if I didn’t get home soon. He’s never hung up on me.

I logged onto Facebook on my way home and saw that Lexi had tagged me in a ton of pictures. A group picture from the bar that I’m guessing a bartender took, a picture of me with the pizza rolls, a picture where I was pulling the neckline of my dress down so you could see my cleavage, a picture of me kissing Sam on the cheek. What the fucking fuck, Lexi! I called her and she didn’t answer so I texted her, “Delete those pictures right fucking now dude I can’t believe you posted them.” I started untagging myself and saw that they’d been up for 8 hours. I prayed Brady hadn’t seen them yet.

Tucker greeted me at the door. I stayed in the foyer and played with him for a little while so I could delay the confrontation and lecture I knew I was about to get. I finally picked him up and walked inside. Brady was walking out of the kitchen and I began apologizing immediately.

“I’m so sorry. I literally passed out on the couch and Lexi had my phone all night. I didn’t mean to make you worry,” I said.

“You slept at Lexi’s apartment?” Brady asked.

“Um, yeah.” I didn’t know if he’d seen the pictures or if telling him the truth would be worth all the trouble it was going to cause.

“I don’t think you should hang out with her anymore,” Brady said calmly.

I was taken aback. Brady would never ask me not to hang out with one of my friends. “Why not?”

“Because I don’t want you to. I don’t like the situations you get into when you’re with her,” he said.

“But she’s my friend, Brady,” I argued.

“And she’s single. You are not.”

Before I could continue, Brady walked past me down the hall.

We hadn’t gotten a chance to talk about Carly and Chris’s engagement so we did at dinner that night. Even Brady had no idea that Chris was going to pop the question – like he was just as shocked as I was. When I read their messages Chris didn’t mention anything, he didn’t give Brady even a hint that he was going to propose. I figured guys would talk about that.

“He didn’t ask you for advice or anything? That’s so weird,” I said.

“Well, I’m probably the last person he would need advice from,” Brady laughed.

I glanced at him. “Why?”

He shrugged. “I’m happy for them.”

“Do you think we’ll be next? We’ve been together just as long,” I asked.

“I don’t know. Their relationship is different than ours. No need to compare.”

“Because I’m sure he actually communicates with her,” I mumbled. Brady pretended not to hear me.

Whatever y’all have to say, say it. I already feel bad enough about the entire weekend. I know Brady deserves someone better than me.