Going back to work on Monday was so hard. I hardly even thought about work at all on my break and as soon as I walked in the office I started hating my life again. One of the first people I saw was Dale. I’d stopped at Starbs on the way to work and gotten an extra pastry because I was feeling piggish, but when I saw Dale I decided to give it to him.
“Hey Dale!” I chirped. “I brought you something!”
He took the bag from me and peeked in. “Oh, a scone? I don’t like those.” Then handed the bag back to me.
Like, how ungrateful can you be? I ended up throwing the stupid thing away because I was so annoyed.
Stacey called in sick, again. I asked Luke what her problem is.
“I think she has another job interview,” he informed me.
“That’s like, not okay. She can’t just do that,”
“Well, what should she do then?” Luke snapped.
“Schedule them for a time she’s not working obviously!”
“That’s a little bit hard when she’s always working,” Luke said, matter-of-factly.
“I literally don’t even care. Hopefully she gets a new job soon,” I said and we dropped it.
Preston texted me on Monday.
“Carly’s ring? U G L Y,” he said.
“That’s mean,” I replied. “I think it’s cute for her.”
“The green though? It looks like phlegm,” he continued.
I didn’t respond.
“Do you think she’s pregnant?” he asked.
“No. Idk. I haven’t thought about it. Why?” I said.
“I just feel like it happened out of nowhere. Why are they suddenly wanting to get married? She’s totally pregnant.”
I thought about it and remembered that Carly was taking shots with us on NYE so she can’t be pregnant. I told Preston this. He still believed his theory that she’s pregnant and they are rushing. Whatever.
I go to this deli by the office that I go to
all the time sometimes for lunch. I went for lunch on Tuesday and ended up next to this guy at the salad bar. He struck up a conversation with me by saying he loves coming to this place when he’s in Chicago.
So of course I’m like, “Oh, where are you from?”
He smiled and said, “Guess.”
I detected a bit of an accent, maybe European so I figured it must be somewhere over there. He was pretty tall and muscular, bald but had a bit of a 5 o’clock shadow, and green eyes. He wasn’t even hot, he was sexy.
“Um, Greece?” I guessed.
He looked surprised. “Really? I’ve never heard that one. I’m from Jordan.”
I said, “Oohhh,” and nodded.
“Do you even know where that is?” he asked.
I smiled. “Over there somewhere.”
“Six thousand miles away. I come here once a month,” he told me.
I asked why and we proceeded to have a kind of flirty conversation (him inviting me to Jordan, offering to show me around, me smiling coyly) while building our salads. A little blonde girl wearing a beanie came and stood in between with two sandwiches on her plate.
“I’m going to pay and sit down,” she told him.
He said goodbye to me and the two went on their way. I paid for my meal and sat down a few tables away from them. I didn’t think anything of it and ate my food while doing some work. A little while later, the guy leaned over his table to talk to me. The girl was gone.
“Hey!” he said. “Just so you know, we are not together. She is not my girlfriend.”
I gave him a weird look. “Um, okay. I don’t care if she is.”
He leaned back into his seat. “Okay. I just wanted to let you know.”
Guys are real dicks.
When I got home I started looking at recipes to make for dinner on Pinterest. I wasn’t in the mood for anything and definitely wasn’t in the mood to go anywhere so I texted Brady asking him to bring something home. He ended up getting tacos (Taco Tuesday, hello!) and we sat in the dining room eating them.
We talked about Carly and Chris again. Carly had texted me during the day asking if I had any ideas for venues (they are getting married in Chicago). I asked him if he had any ideas and if he wanted to get married in a church because there’s a really beautiful church in Houston that I’ve always wanted to get married in. Of course, Brady started clamming up and getting all quiet which I find annoying.
“You know, if we get engaged we don’t have to get married right away. Some people have engagements as long as two or three years,” I said just to make him feel better. I will never stay engaged for that long.
And then Brady dropped a motherfucking bombshell on me. Without looking up he said, “I don’t even know if I want to get married at all.”
“Wait, what?” I exclaimed.
“It’s not you. I just don’t really see the point.”
“Brady!” I have never, ever heard Brady say that he has no interest in getting married at all. I know he gets all weird and doesn’t like to talk about it, but he’s never flat out said he doesn’t want to. “Where is this coming from?”
He shrugged, still not looking up at me. “I don’t know. It just seems pointless to me. If two people love each other, what is marriage going to change? If anything it makes it more complicated.”
“So if we are together for – I don’t know – fifteen years, unmarried, and one day you decide to just up and leave, you think it’s fine not to have consequences? You don’t have to pay? You can just leave?” I said.
Brady finally looked up at me. “Is that what it’s about for you?”
“No, but I think that would be really shitty.”
“I think it’s even more shitty to stay in a marriage because no one wants to deal with the consequences,” Brady pointed out.
I didn’t say anything. I felt tears forming. He’s kind of right. I don’t even really believe in divorce (because once you’re married, you’re married for life), so how awful and miserable would it be to stay in a marriage because I don’t believe in divorce?
“I just see how messy it can get. I don’t want that,” he said.
“I don’t either!” I exclaimed. “Who does? And who goes into a marriage thinking so negatively? Of course it’s going to fail if you think it will.”
“That’s not what I meant.”
“I can’t believe you’re just now saying this. You know how much I want to get married. To you.”
“I’m sorry. I’m not ruling it out. I just-” Brady started, but I cut him off because I literally just couldn’t.
“Honestly, it’s fine. I don’t even care.”
We finished our food and I cleaned and did laundry and avoided the bedroom where Brady was. When I finally got in bed, he tried fooling around which is crazy because we hardly ever even have sex anymore. Maybe like once a week. So I pushed him off and told him that I was tired.
So I don’t know. I know I shouldn’t be mad at him and I’m not, but I feel like I’m wasting my time. I want to move out. Not even to be dramatic – I just need space. And Brady has been being super nice today. He made me breakfast before he went to work, called me on a break just to talk and even asked if I wanted him to get me tickets to Coachella. I’m working from home today so I haven’t left the bed. If I move out do I get to take Tucker?
I know Brady isn’t perfect or anything like that, that’s not what I meant in my last post. But as far as I know, he doesn’t snoop or go through my phone or messages which I’m totally guilty of. Not only that, I had no reason to do it and didn’t even find anything incriminating. I feel bad about it. I don’t think Brady would invade my privacy like that and it’s really sad that I would do it to him. And also that I would lie about sleeping at Lexi’s and accept a really expensive gift from a man. I would kill him if he did any of that to me. Speaking of which, I have the Louis Vuitton bag hidden in my trunk. If Brady sees it he will accuse me of shopping and spending too much money (now I’m depressed so I actually am shopping) and if I tell him where it really came from he will think Marco and I have something going on. Which we don’t. Does anyone want a new Louie bag?