A few weeks ago while I was casually tapping through stories and scrolling my feed on Instagram, I saw that Nick, my old fling from Chicago, got engaged. To that cute girl he has been dating, the one I met out at a bar. I was super surprised, considering the last time I was in Chicago, he tried very hard to hang out with me. But like, whatever. Nick is such a nice guy.
I messaged him to say congratulations and he replied, “Hey, thanks! 😉” and we proceeded to have a four hour conversation over Instagram message. I wasn’t really jealous or anything like that; I figured it would happen eventually. And I told him the truth — that he deserves to be happy, which made me feel bad because of what happened with us. Truthfully, I had no business even trying to date anyone when I still had feelings for Brady.
And then over the weekend, Preston sent me a weird text that said, “Devin is engaged.”
Y’all remember Devin, my awful ex from college? I have plenty of gross and traumatizing stories about him in the archives if you want to read.
“How do you know?” I texted back.
Preston sent me a screenshot from Facebook: Devin looking just as good as I remember with his arm around a cute brunette. The caption said, “Your boy is getting married! 🥂”
Oh fucking really?
I spent the next fifteen minutes studying the photo: the setting (it looked like a fabulous and modern high rise apartment), the girl (a rather plain brunette with pretty blue eyes and big pouty lips), their outfits (he wore skinny jeans that left very little to the imagination and she was in fucking leggings and one of those hideous tie dye hoodies the kids are wearing these days), what I could make out of the ring (the picture was too far away to see if it was even nice). Inside me, a weird feeling was brewing. I wasn’t sure if I was shocked or upset or if I cared at all.
I forwarded the picture to Kendra and seconds later, she FaceTimed me.
“Girl!” she exclaimed. “He’s engaged?!”
Luckily, I had locked myself in the closet for privacy.
“I know! It doesn’t make any sense!”
Devin is the last person I ever thought would get married. He can’t even commit to dinner plans. I minimized Kendra so I could study the picture some more. Devin looked seriously good, like he’s been spending the last several months working out and drinking plenty of water. He’s always been unnecessarily gorgeous, but he’s definitely aging gracefully.
“How do you feel?” she asked.
And then, for no reason at all, I burst into tears.
“Oh, Reese,” Kendra sighed sympathetically. “I’m sorry. I know it’s hard to see this.”
“No, no it’s not that,” I blubbered like a fucking idiot. “It’s just so weird.”
“I know. But he’s such a loser, Reese. I hope that poor girl knows what she’s getting into.”
“Yeah, I know. Such a loser.”
I was crying over my ex who I was with ten years ago so really, who was the loser? But it just didn’t make sense. I thought Devin would play women until the day he died. I can’t believe he got engaged before me.
So naturally, I started reevaluating my life. How is it possible that Devin, the biggest player on earth, who refuses to be tied down, has a fiancée? He’s engaged? He proposed to some plain Jane LA girl who wears tie dye?
Is something wrong with me? Does she have something I don’t? I know this is a destructive way to think, but I can’t help it.
Then I got (irrationally?) mad at Brady. How is that we can be together for so long, have a baby and buy a house together, but he doesn’t think I’m good enough to marry? I’m not sure if I’m being completely crazy about the whole thing because he did make suggestions of marriage a few times, but it’s not the same. It’s not the same as, “I think you are amazing, I am in love with you and want to spend the rest of my life with you.” He’s never really said that or shown that.
So I confronted him. He was sitting on the couch watching TV while Winnie napped next to him.
“You okay?” he asked, clearly noticing that I’d been crying.
“What’s going on?”
“I just think it’s really weird that you haven’t proposed to me.”
A completely blank look took over Brady’s face so I continued.
“Why is it so hard for you? We have a baby and a house, but for some reason you’re scared to actually commit to me which is stupid because a baby is an even bigger commitment. It makes zero sense,” I said.
Brady just sat there blinking like this was out of left field and he was at a loss for words. But surely he understands my frustration. It’s not the first time I’ve brought something like this up.
“I’m not scared,” he said, turning back to the TV.
“Then what is it? Do you not actually like me? Because half the time it seems that way.”
“Can you please not do this right now? You’ll wake the baby,” Brady said.
Seriously? He is such an asshole, always dismissing me. I wanted to punch him in the side of his stupid head. I went upstairs and texted with Brendan for the next few hours.
Later that night, when we were in bed, I brought it back up because if Brady doesn’t think I’m good enough to marry, I’ll take my gorgeous baby to live far away from him and I dare him to fight me on it.
“You know I want to marry you, Reese,” he said, sounding exasperated. “I don’t even know why you’re bringing this up.”
“Then why haven’t you?” I demanded. “Don’t try to pacify me now when your actions have shown me the exact opposite.”
“What do you want me to do?” he exclaimed. “When would have been a good time to get engaged and married, Reese?”
“I don’t goddamn know, but you could’ve figured it out! You’ve had six years.”
“I’m sorry,” Brady said which made me even more mad.
“Don’t say sorry, just do better!”
We both turned to sleep and didn’t say anything else. A little bit later though, he had the nerve to reach over to me to try to get some. Read the motherfucking room, Brady. For fucks sake.
Anyway. I feel a bit ridiculous about how I acted over Devin getting engaged, but I’m still frustrated with Brady. We’re snowed in together though so hopefully this forces us to talk through our never ending issues.