Since Brady wasted no time flaunting his new girlfriend in front of me, I was no longer going to try to hide my relationship to spare his feelings. Not that Brady has any feelings and not that I was hiding anything in the first place. I wasn’t inviting Brendan to pick ups and drop offs because that seemed unnecessary, but why shouldn’t I? I’d argue that he’s a bigger part of Winnie’s life than Caroline is. And I have millions of cute pictures with my boyfriend, perhaps it was time to plaster them all over my socials to show them off? Maybe I should send Brady and Brendan out for a coffee date to get to know each other since we’re all going to be a big happy family now?

I didn’t do any of that. Brendan’s schedule doesn’t even allow for him to accompany me to drop Winnie off because he’s always doing stuff on Saturday mornings. You know Brendan. He’s at a gym class or at cryotherapy or on a boat or doing a favor for his stupid sister. And anyway, if I started bringing him around all of sudden now, it would seem like I was doing it out of spite (and I would be). And as much as I wanted to show Brendan off to all of my nosy followers, I’m just…still not ready. And I’d never tag him — can you imagine? My friends would go to his wide open profile and find him posted up with a teeny tiny blonde (not me) aka “the love of his life.” Maybe once those pictures are gone, I’ll consider it.

Once the summer was in full swing, Brendan’s little early retirement began. He was like, “I’m just going to take a few weeks off,” put an out of office message up and then ghosted us. Well, them — at the office, not me. He’d call me on a Tuesday morning and be like, “My dad and I are flying to Maine for the day, talk to you laterrrr!”

I was thinking, “It must be nice to take an undetermined number of weeks off of work to do whatever you want!” But I was happy for Brendan and sad for myself.

Anyway, Miguel ended up hiring Gigi’s sister even after I advised him not to. She just graduated from college and hasn’t been able to find a job so to everyone it made perfect sense for her to just walk into Brendan’s company and start working. And obviously I was skeptical. Gigi had been inserting herself into everything and like I mentioned before, she’s kind of annoying so she was enough for me. Adding her sister to the mix was going to create chaos, I just knew it. Gigi invited herself to happy hour one Thursday afternoon and went on and on about her sister (Izzy) and how much we’d all like her. Which then got us on the topic of previous work experience and how they each chose which college to go to and their family life. She talks so fucking much. I know I talk a lot, but this was a bit much.

I’ll be like, “Miguel, how was your weekend?”

And Miguel will say, “It was good, I tried a new dinner spot in Brooklyn.”

And Gigi will interrupt and say, “Oh really – what’s it called? Because I was thinking of going to Brooklyn for dinner, but I didn’t end up wanting to go all the way over there so me and Izzy went down to the East Village and then we wanted to go to this rooftop, but the line was too long and my promoter friend…”

In my opinion, there’s never any point to anything she says. What? I know it sounds mean, but she always interrupts everyone to say absolutely nothing of importance. It’s like, I want to know about Miguel’s dinner date in Brooklyn, not your promoter friend!

Izzy was hired to work with Yesenia, the sweet young lady who handles all of the admin work for Brendan’s company. I adore Yesenia, mainly because she always tells me everything. Like this one time, she told me that Miguel had expensed $3,000 worth of shit for his little office and should she tell Brendan? I’m like, “That’s totally your call, but yes you should tell him.” But it’s mostly screenshots of the married men from their team flirting with her. And we both agree that it’s inappropriate, but she enjoys the attention and I’m entertained so we keep it a secret.

So anyway, I’ve always liked Gigi. She’s fucking annoying, but she’s sweet and she’s not malicious — she’s just insufferable. And when I met Izzy one day at their office, I immediately liked her too. Gigi and Izzy are both really thin and tall — but not supermodel tall, they’re both like 5’8. And they’re both pretty in an approachable kind of way. Like not overly hot, but you’d still do a double take. On the day I met her, Izzy was having a meltdown because she had a trip to Paris planned, but hadn’t received her passport in the mail yet.

“See, this is why I told you to get it months ago, you stupid bitch,” Gigi said to her.

Oh?

Miguel looked at me and shrugged like they do this all this time.

Later on, Izzy came up to me and said, “So how old are you?”

It was actually quite rude, but I’d give her a pass since she’s only 23. We started talking about her trip to Paris and I was giving her recommendations (don’t forget, I went to Paris once and now I’m an expert) and she kept saying she didn’t want to do the things I suggested because she’s far too anxious. All of her mannerisms are kind of skittish — like a cat or something — so I could see it. She did, however, talk about how she wanted to visit the Chanel flagship and how she had an appointment booked at Hermes. I’m like, okay she’s fun in a flighty kind of way. The same way I was at that age. She was barely employed, but about to spend $4,000 – $8,000 on a bag. Love that for her.

The best part is the fact that I’ve rarely seen Brendan annoyed by anything or anyone (he has the patience of a saint), but whenever Gigi and Izzy interact, he gets visibly agitated and retreats. I get it — they are so loud and their vocal fry is unbearable — but it’s very funny. Maybe that’s what finally sent him on his sabbatical!

And to say Yesenia was annoyed by them would be an understatement. At first I thought she was being nit-picky. Like, “Izzy walked into our meeting 7 minutes late with an iced coffee,” and “I’m going to kill her, she canceled our training to go on visits with Gigi and Miguel.” Or my favorite, “Izzy just told the entire office that she had sex with her ex last night and he came inside her so now Gigi is taking her to get a Plan B.” Nothing egregious I guess, but I could see why Yesenia was put off by her.

And then Gigi added me to a group chat between her and Izzy to ask a work related question, but then the group chat turned into them sending outfit pics, complaints about the Starbucks barista, and mindless observations about Miguel, like “I’m pretty sure he has a hickey on his neck lolz.” I was wondering, “How did I get in this?” But I was too polite to leave the chat, knowing they would be alerted.

Eventually Yesenia had to put her foot down because she actually did need Izzy’s help doing things around the office. I told her that she needed to be super direct with Izzy and give clear directions with a deadline. Trying to be nice and using the royal “we” was not going to work with this girl. Yesenia sent a screenshot of Izzy’s message back saying, “That’s impossible. Even if that’s all I worked on for the next 48 hours, I wouldn’t get it done. Not happening.” And then another from Gigi saying, “Izzy is working with Miguel and me on this really important project. She can help you with your thing starting next week.”

Do you know what I was going to do? Nothing! I was going to mind my own business! I’d tried to offer my best advice and it didn’t work so I was going to move on! None of this had anything to do with me and I wasn’t going to bother Brendan while he was away with these petty issues.

Carly texted me one afternoon to let me know that she and Chris, her husband, were coming to New York for a night to see a show. Carly is my good friend from Chicago who now lives in Philadelphia with Chris and their daughter.

“I think Chris said we’re grabbing dinner with Brady beforehand so please come! I’m dying to see you!” Carly said.

So Chris and Brady used to live together in Chicago and it’s how I met Brady in the first place. You can read about that here. Despite us all living just a few hours from each other, I haven’t seen Carly in over a year. We’re both really busy, but also something about her is depressing to me so I avoid keeping up with her.

I texted back, “Yeah, I’ll let you know about dinner,” knowing that if Brady was going to be there, I would absolutely not be there. Why would she even invite me? And why were they choosing Brady over me? Carly is well aware that we broke up and I would think she would ask me to dinner before asking him.

Needless to say, I didn’t get back to her about dinner because I wasn’t interested in going. I did, however, text Brady to talk to him about it.

“Yep,” he confirmed. “Excited to catch up with Chris.”

Whatever! I hoped they all had a terrible time!

Carly called me the day after they all had dinner while I was driving to drop my child off with her dad. I felt kind of bad about ghosting her, but not really.

“We missed you last night,” she said in a sing-songy way.

“Oh, did you?” I said back sarcastically.

“Totally, but Brady brought his girlfriend. Cara? I get why you didn’t want to come. I didn’t know he was dating someone,” Carly said.

Oh??? Now I was interested.

“Yeah, they’ve been together for a few moths. What did she say?”

“Nothing, she was really sweet. I can’t believe she’s 28.”

28?! It never even occurred to me to wonder how old Caroline is because I assumed she was around my age, but 28? Seems a little young for Brady who turns 36 this year (I can’t think about this for too long or I’ll spiral). No wonder she seems so optimistic, she’s still so young and unjaded!

So I made Carly tell me literally everything that happened including what everyone was wearing. She had the nerve to say that Caroline is “like us.”

“What does that even mean? She’s nothing like me,” I said.

“Like fun and open-minded. I don’t know, she seems cool,” Carly explained.

What was this girl even talking about? I have no issue with Caroline, but why was Carly acting like we were all going to hold hands and be best friends? After one dinner? I was annoyed by the entire thing.

After I met Caroline that one Saturday morning, she was everywhere. We broke the seal and now she was able to come out of hiding.

It started on Sunday, when Brady posted a photo of them together on Instagram. On his actual feed. And she was tagged. Hard launch! Brady hasn’t posted anything in like four years so this was quite surprising to me. And he’s not very Instagram savvy so he doesn’t realize that posting pictures of his new girlfriend while still having pictures of his ex-girlfriend (me) posted is tacky. Is this a straight man thing? Because Brendan still (still!) has all the pictures of his ex-wife posted. Even after I confronted him about it! Just delete them already. Or if you want to keep the memories, archive them. God. I don’t get it.

Anyway, in the picture, they’re sitting outside at a restaurant overlooking a body of water and his arm is around her. It was probably taken in Boston, I guessed. Brady was wearing sunglasses and a smirk — the knowing kind of smirk he does, like he knew I’d see the picture and start snooping. I wanted to slap him! Caroline was also in sunglasses and her hair was draped perfectly over her shoulders like a news anchor.

Her page is private which is perplexing to me because who has a private Instagram in 2023? What are you hiding? Her profile was like: 

A portrait standing fully clothed on a beach

Caroline 🐱

Cheesy manifestation quote 💫

Ooo, mysterious! And basic!

Brady texted me later that night —  way later, it was almost midnight. I was awake in bed, sending TikToks to Kristina and obviously I thought the worst. Why else would Brady be texting me at such an hour?

He said, “So what percentage of school did you plan on paying?”

I assumed Brady was going to pay for all of it. Or most of it at least – because that’s what he told me a while ago. What? He’s the one with the money — I wouldn’t want to go bankrupt trying to send my kid to school! And I pay for all of her clothes and toys and beauty products and her dance classes so why wouldn’t he?

“What percent do you think is fair?” I texted back.

“Since the school is your choice, I think at least 75% 😊” Brady said.

It was the emoji for me. When has Brady ever used an emoji?

“Hilarious! Have they approached you about joining SNL yet?” I said back.

“Not yet, but I bet if they did I could afford that school.”

So funny. I sent an eye rolling emoji back.

Then he said, “Seriously, did you plan on helping pay for the school?”

Ugh.

“I guess, but I’d like to remind you that you agreed to pay and I didn’t bank on you going back on your word, Brady,” I said.

“That was before you chose the most expensive school you could find, Reese,” he said and then added another smiling emoji.

“I wasn’t given a budget,” I pointed out, which is true.

Brady ignored my valid point and said, “50/50 seems fair to me.”

Ughhh.

“Considering I’m going to be the one who has to get her to and from school everyday, I handle her dance classes and all of her doctor’s appointments, and buy all of her clothes and toys, I disagree. But we can discuss it further next week,” I said.

Brady said, “I assumed you’d use the money I send to you every month for that. Plus I’m covering health insurance and your cell phone bill.”

I wasn’t trying to get into the nitty gritty details so I was like, “I said we can discuss it next week!”

Brady said, “Okay.” And then, “Are you in bed?”

I replied, “I am, are you?”

“Alone?” he said.

I looked around my dark bedroom, just to make sure. Where was this going? “Yeah, why?” 

“Me too,” Brady said. And then in a separate text added, “Talk to you next week.”

Uh…okay? What a strange line of questioning.

On Tuesday morning when Brady dropped Winnie off at my apartment, I thought maybe we’d talk about it some more. I was gonna be like, “And why does it matter if I’m in bed alone?”

Except he was being super short and barely even said hello. Not this again. He’s so hot and cold with me. As I was getting Winnie out of her booster seat, I saw that Brady’s phone was mounted on the dashboard and he was on an actual live phone call with Caroline 🐱. I guess he had it muted or something, but no wonder he didn’t want to chat.

Oh well, that had nothing to do with me. I pretended I didn’t notice we potentially had an extra set of ears listening.

“Do you want to continue our conversation from the weekend?” I asked.

“Not now, I’m in a hurry,” he said dismissively.

“Okay. I’ll text you later then.”

“Bye Daddy, I love you!”  Winnie squealed and then we sent him on his way.

Brendan came over later that evening. We hadn’t hung out in like two weeks and he was all tan from spending so much time in Florida. Winnie was excited to be reunited with her bestie and had a ton to fill him in on (mainly her new set of dolls since she dismembered and graffitied her old ones — she’s in her destructive era). As soon as he sat down on the couch, she immediately started climbing him like a piece of playground equipment like she always does.

“Oh my gosh, so tell us about what you did in Florida,” I said. What I really meant was, “Did you run into Reagan while you were there?”

Meanwhile, I got a text from Brady. It said, “Are you ready to be reasonable?”

Excuse me?

“Do you think I’m being unreasonable? You’re the one who said you’d pay for Winnie’s school!”

Brady said, “I may have, but I’m not paying that much. So if you really want her to go there then you’re going to have to get over that.”

Uh, okay. What an asshole. Next to me, I could hear Winnie getting more rowdy and I told her to calm down.

“Yeah, be careful or you’re gonna hurt yourself,” Brendan said.

If this child ended up in the ER, I was going to kill her.

Brady texted me again when I hadn’t responded with another smiling emoji.

😊

“Obviously I’ll help pay for school, but you’re being really annoying. You should’ve never said that if you weren’t going to follow through,” I replied.

“Me? You’re the most annoying person I’ve ever met. 😊” he said.

These fucking emojis!!! I was typing back a scathing response because why the fuck was he even bothering me? I said I would text him! And I had company over that I needed to focus my attention on. Speaking of which—

Brendan let out a loud, weird yelp and I looked over to find him doubled over on his side like he was in pain. Winnie was still sitting on top of him and she looked delighted with herself.

“What’s going on?” I asked, completely oblivious since I wasn’t paying attention.

Brendan was literally like, groaning in agony, but managed to let me know that Winnie had punched him in his crotch area. Punched?! And she was still sitting on him proudly like she just climbed a mountain. It was totally not funny, but it was kind of funny.

“Winnie!” I exclaimed.

“I didn’t mean to,” she said with a big grin which was not at all convincing.

“You should still apologize,” I said. “And maybe you should give Brendan some space. Like, do you need ice or something?”

Brendan tried to laugh and shook his head no. What? I don’t know! 

I went to pick Winnie up off him and she screamed “I didn’t mean to!” before bursting into a fit of tears. Seriously?

“This is not how someone who ‘didn’t mean to’ reacts,” I said which sent her over the edge. Drama queen! It was already close to time for her to go to bed anyway so I let her cry it out until she fell asleep.

So I felt bad about all of that. Brendan assured me that it was fine and he knew it was an accident. I was thinking, “Was it? How can we be so sure?” I mean, the tantrum was the act of a guilty child, but how would she even know doing that would elicit such an extreme response? It’s not like she’s ever done it to me.

I chalked it up to them just playing rough until I texted Brady back later. He’d texted me a few times after calling me “the most annoying person he’s ever met [smiley]” The nerve. He said:

“Maybe not the most annoying, but you’re pretty far up there.”

“But you do it on purpose though, don’t you?”

“So how much of school were you planning on covering? 50/50?”

“Sorry, Winnie punched Brendan in the balls so I had to deal with that,” I texted back.

Brady said something like, “Yeah, she’s been doing that.”

So I was, in fact, raising a little demon. I knew I wasn’t going crazy. Naturally I blamed Brady because this was his fault. She’s been going around punching people in their dicks and he didn’t think to warn me? And was he even disciplining her effectively if she’s “been doing that”? Why was she still doing it?

“You’re on your phone so much,” Brendan said later in bed.

“Sorry, just googling to make sure you’re still going to be able to produce children!” I said and then put my phone away for the night.

On Saturday, Brady offered to pick Winnie up in the city instead of me having to drive to Connecticut. I wasn’t going to argue with that because it was easier for me. Brady texted me to let me know that he’d arrived so Winnie and I headed downstairs. He was sitting there waiting in the car with Caroline. I was like, “Oh, so this is what we’re doing.” He was just going to parade his new girlfriend around everywhere any chance he got — after he’d been texting me literally all week!

“Hi Reese!” Caroline greeted me before Brady even said anything.

“Hi,” I said back.

She spun all the way around in her seat so she could watch me putting Winnie in her booster seat. “Do you have fun plans this weekend?”

“I do, do you?” I said back.

“Yah, it’s my cousin’s baby’s birthday party,” she said.

Brady was looking at me in the rearview mirror like he was trying to see how I was going to react.

“Aww!” I said.

“And I know Winnie likes swimming so she’s going to love the pool!” Caroline said.

“That’s literally so fun.” As you can see, I was really trying.

She said, “I know! It’ll be a good time. We can try to send pictures if you want.”

Wait, did I like Caroline? She seemed so sweet. Where did Brady find such a nice girl and what did he want with her? He’s such an asshole. I was like, you poor thing, he’s going to ruin your life. As my mother would say, bless her heart!

It was probably a coincidence, but Brendan was really busy when we got back from Houston. There was a work event for Danielle, a friend’s birthday dinner, a concert with Kendall (who even goes to concerts anymore unless it’s Beyoncé?), a work trip to Florida and then a separate trip to Florida for “fun.”

Florida is the bane of my goddamn existence. I hate her so much. And I always side-eye Brendan when he takes these little trips to Florida. Remember when he said that he and his ex-wife spent a lot of time there because her family has a vacation house? Why was he so eager and excited to spend time there now? What is there to do? He was posting pictures on boats and fishing and other things that don’t even seem fun and could easily be done not in Florida.

And I’ve been trying not to, but I ended up on Reagan’s Instagram and she was also in Florida at the same time as Brendan and posting bikini pictures. Well, she was tagging places like “The Best Place on Earth” and stuff, but I knew from the pool and lounge chairs that she was at her family’s Boca Raton house. Obviously Brendan wasn’t meeting up with her, but I still watched her stories closely to see if his arm or shoe showed up in the background. Like any sane girlfriend would.

Her stories were like: 

• A full body bikini shot
• A laying down bikini shot
• An açaí bowl
• A full body mirror selfie (in a different bikini)
• A heavily filtered picture of the pool
• A full body mirror selfie dressed for dinner (in designer head to toe – so much for quiet luxury!)
• A photo of her looking bored at the dinner with an untouched plate of pasta in front of her
• A video of her laughing and telling an inaudible story to or about the people she was with

While I was tapping through her story for the billionth time, a text from Brendan popped up.

“What are you doing?” he asked. Like he knew!

Anyway, I had other stuff going on so I shouldn’t have even been worried about any of that. Brady and I have been talking about sending Winnie to school in the fall for months. Like real school where she’d have a classroom and a schedule and a backpack and everything. I cannot believe my girl is getting so big! If I think about it for too long I start to spiral into an existential crisis.

Obviously each of us had done our own research and I found a school that was perfect. It’s only a few blocks from our apartment so we can walk and she’d go Tuesday through Thursday and get out with plenty of time to eat and nap before her dance class in the evenings. Brady was trying half-heartedly to get her into a school near him in Connecticut, but we all knew that wasn’t going to happen. It didn’t make any sense for her to attend school in Connecticut — not with our loose custody schedule or with Brady’s work schedule. He’d have to drastically reduce his working hours and I just can’t see that happening. I also argued that Winnie would experience so much more culture and diversity by going to school in the city. Brady, clearly offended, informed me that there is plenty of culture and diversity in Connecticut. I sent him a screenshot from the Connecticut school’s website where the pictures they posted showed exclusively blonde hair and blue eyed children. Which is fine obviously (Winnie has blonde hair and blue eyes) and I’m sure all of those children are absolutely lovely, but you know what I mean. So I was trying to get him on board with my school mainly because I needed him to pay for it.

One Saturday morning, Winnie and I slowly made our way to Brady’s house. We’d already been to breakfast and every floor in Nordstrom and now I was ready to ditch her for the weekend. I didn’t have any plans, but my child is exhausting.

We let ourselves in (as we always do) and I shouted at the top of my lungs, “We’ve arrived!”

Brady was probably upstairs in his office working so I wanted to make sure he heard me.

Out of thin air (the living room), a girl appeared.

“Hi, I’m Caroline!” she ambushed me. “Or Cara.”

I barely had time to even think about it, but I figured it was her. I was caught off guard because I had in my mind that Brady would never let me meet Kara/Cara/Caroline because you know how he is. “Drama” avoidant. She was dressed in scrubs, like the cute fitted ones people are wearing now, and was actually strikingly pretty. Prettier than I expected, I guess? I figured Brady would go for another mousy girl like his ex, Anna. Like Winnie mentioned, she did indeed have beautiful hair. It was really thick and full and shiny and perfectly blown out. Dare I say, princess hair?

She stopped close to me, right in my personal bubble, and stuck her hand out to shake mine in a way that felt aggressive. I was wearing a tank top and shorts (it was really hot that day) and I saw her glance quickly down at my boobs.

“I’m Reese,” I said, shaking her hand.

“Hi Winnie!” she said.

Winnie ignored her entire existence and threw her bag filled with dolls and toys on the ground before calling out for her dad. Brady came bounding down the stairs and Caroline picked up Winnie’s bag and disappeared to put it away. He was wearing glasses and looked kind of cute.

“Hey,” Brady said to us. He picked Winnie up and they hugged and greeted each other and then he looked at me like, “You’re dismissed.”

Uh, excuse me? I was absolutely not dismissed. I almost always stay for a chit-chat when I drop Winnie off so what was this? Why was Caroline even there?

“I need to talk to you,” I said. I had a folder with all of Winnie’s new school information in it (including the tuition) with me and I wanted to go over it with him.

“Right now?” he asked.

“Yes.”

It was so weird. I don’t really know how to explain it. Brady and I haven’t been together in so long, but I still feel like he’s one of the closest people in the world to me. Despite everything that has happened, he still feels like my family and I know him like the back of my hand. I feel like I can do or say whatever I want around him because it’s just Brady? He watched me push a baby out of my vagina, you know? But now with his new woman here in the flesh, he felt like a stranger.

“Fine,” Brady said and we went to the kitchen.

Winnie got herself comfortable and started opening doors, pulling out markers and books and games, and climbing into the pantry for snacks — getting his house properly chaotic like ours.

“Aww, Caroline seems nice,” I said because I couldn’t even help myself.

“What did you want to talk about?” Brady asked, ignoring what I said completely.

Guess we weren’t discussing that! 

So I pulled my folder out and said, “Winnie and I toured this place two weeks ago and she loved it.”

“Did she say that?” he asked as he started flipping through the folder. 

“No, but I could tell.” I described to him the layout of the school with a greenhouse and atrium, the super secure outdoor recess area, the exotic classroom pets, how the lunches look like Pinterest bento boxes, the yoga and music classes and how all the teachers are bilingual and trilingual. I think Brady zoned out halfway through my spiel and just stared at me and my boobs. Were they really on display that much? Maybe I did it subconsciously just to sway Brady a little more, who knows.

“How is this any different than [the school I suggested]?” Brady finally asked.

“Were you even listening? Literally all of it!” God! 

“Winnie doesn’t have a phone. I don’t think she’s going to care if she can put her lunch on Instagram or not,” Brady said. He was deliberately missing the point and trying not to smile.

“Obviously!” I heard Winnie scream-laughing in the other which told me that she was watching a video or playing with Caroline or otherwise preoccupied. “I’m just explaining to you that everything about this place is perfect.”

“Except that it’s in Manhattan.”

“Uh, that’s the best part.” Was this dude for real? “She’s not going to school here and you know it. You wouldn’t be able to drop her off and pick her up in time with your work schedule and I for-fucking-sure will not be driving to and from Connecticut everyday.”

Brady said, “Well, I can’t afford this.” He was on the page with the tuition breakdown printed on it.

I’ve never in my life heard Brady say he can’t afford something. I know that he’s really smart and thrifty with his money and he never buys anything — so what was he spending all his spare money on? And didn’t he just sell his house? I didn’t believe him.

“Are you kidding me? Yes you can!”

“I don’t think my college tuition was even this much. It’s a little ridiculous,” he went on.

“You think your daughter’s education is ridiculous?” I clarified.

“Of course not, but she has years and years of education ahead of her,” Brady said. And then added, “But let me guess — you haven’t considered anything beyond the next twelve months?”

Guess the titties weren’t working!

We went back and forth a little more and he said he was willing to “compromise” on the New York vs. Connecticut thing, but it would have to be a different school because this one was too expensive. I pointed out that Winnie was already in love with this one and her spot was already reserved for the fall. Do you think Brady had taken the initiative to reserve Winnie a spot at his silly little school in Connecticut? No! Because he knew it wasn’t going to happen!

Eventually when Brady hadn’t caved, I decided to bring out the big guns.

“Okay, well if you can’t help pay, I guess I can ask my dad,” I said.

Brady smirked. “I highly doubt your dad is going to pay for this.”

Like he knows my dad so well?

“My dad actually cares about Winnie’s development so he definitely will.”

“Okay. Let me know how that goes,” Brady said, still smirking like he knew exactly what I was doing.

I was totally bluffing about going to my dad for help, obviously, and he’s super frugal so there was no way he was going to help with the cost of Winnie’s school. So Brady was right and I was annoyed by that.

“Winnie, I’m leaving!” I shouted through the house.

“Bye, Mommy!” she squealed back, but didn’t even get up to come hug me goodbye. I could hear the music from her iPad playing.

As I headed to the door, I yelled, “Byeee, Caroline!” to wherever the hell she was.

There were several beats of silence and then she shouted, “See ya later!” back.

I decided to go with Winnie to Houston for the July 4th holiday. My old bestie, Kendra, gave me the idea when she told me she was going to Houston with her family. I’m like, that’s a great idea — Winnie is overdue for some grandparents’ time. She has grown so much even since the last time they saw her and she’s so funny and smart and yeah. I thought it was time! And I guess I was feeling optimistic or something because I decided to invite Brendan. He could try to get out of coming to Chicago with me, but if he said no to this, we were going to have a problem.

So I asked him if he wanted to come to Houston with me and Winnie to meet my parents.

“I would love to,” Brendan said. “Are you okay with me meeting them?”

If you recall, last year I told Brendan point blank that I didn’t want him to meet my parents. He never brought it up again, but I think it sort of bothered him — especially since he was hinting at it months and months later. But I figured Brendan has shared his entire family with me — including his estranged mother — so it was only right that he got to meet my looney parents. We made arrangements and decided that he would stay for the first two days of the trip and then go home so he could spend the actual July 4th holiday with his family. The thought of spending a holiday away from his family is like, impossible to imagine for Brendan and I wonder if he will get over that once we get married.

And when I said Houston, I meant the beach just south of Houston because there’s nothing to do where my parents live. I told my mom my plan and she took it upon herself to book a suite for Brendan and me and another one for herself and my dad, where Winnie would primarily be staying. What? What’s the point of parents/grandparents if not to take your child off your hands?

I was under the impression that my mom had come around to the idea of Brendan, and us being together, but don’t think I didn’t have a stern conversation with her before we left for the trip. You know how she is. I’m like, “Don’t interrogate him, don’t bring up his ex-wife, don’t bring up Brady, don’t talk about money, don’t ask him anything personal, etc!” She acted like I was being ridiculous for needing to “provide a list of rules” but again, you know how she is. I was sure to emphasize how lovely and welcoming Brendan’s family has been to me because I know my mom and if nothing else, she is a southern gal at heart, so she would want to compete over the niceties. And obviously I warned Brendan about my mother, but I felt like I had some leeway since his mom was kind of an asshole to me.

We were all meeting for lunch on the first day, at a touristy little seafood spot near the hotel. Something casual and not too fussy for the first meeting. We’d just have a nice light lunch where my mom could ask whatever questions she had and we could get on with the weekend.

So I was a little surprised when after the initial introductions and we all sat down, my mom said to Brendan, “No one ever taught you to take your hat off at the table?”

I was thinking, she’s startin’. It was the casualist of lunches, it was hot and near the beach and there were screaming children everywhere and dozens of men at other tables wearing baseball hats and she was worried about Brendan? But still, Brendan pulled the hat off and shook out all his hat hair (and he had his summer hair growing out so I didn’t even mind the hat tbh). Winnie found all of this hilarious and sat on my dad’s lap dying laughing. And after all that, I saw my mom wink at Brendan which told me all of this was a test.

We went around the table and ordered with the server including Winnie. My mom took it upon herself to order a margarita pitcher for the table which I had no plans to partake in (it was barely noon), but I thought maybe it would give her something to focus on other than me and Brendan.

Wrong.

She went around the table and poured some for everyone except Winnie who threw a fit when she found out she wasn’t allowed to have any. She already had a bright pink drink that was most likely going to send her into a sugar coma later so I ignored her, but my parents reasoned with her until she calmed down.

And then my mom asked Brendan how old he is.

“34,” he answered.

“And already married and divorced,” my mom said delightedly. She’d clearly been dying to say that.

“Mom!” I screamed at her. She was worried about Brendan wearing a hat at the table, but where were her manners?

Brendan turned to me and calmly said, “It’s okay,” trying to deescalate the situation.

My mom looked around innocently like she wasn’t sure why I was offended.

“K,” I said.

And then she didn’t even give him a chance to explain his situation or anything and just went on commenting how she doesn’t think he looks 34 and she would’ve guessed 30, max. So obviously she just used the “married and divorced” comment as a dig.

Brendan seemed to reluctantly take it as a compliment until my dad started teasing him about how to look older.

“A little facial hair wouldn’t hurt,” my dad joked.

Do you think they ever teased Brady (who is also clean shaven) about having facial hair? Not that anyone gives a fuck about Brady! And why wasn’t anyone telling me how young I looked? I was actually trying!

“I’m glad everyone is treating me like I’m a cougar,” I interjected.

“Oh we’re not, sweetie,” my mom said, brushing me off. “But I do prefer your hair longer though. It’s more youthful.”

A few months ago I chopped my hair off into a bob (I do this every few years for a fresh start) and now it’s grown out to just past my shoulders.

“Well this is easier and healthier. My split ends were starting to cut me, they were so bad,” I explained.

“I think it looks nice,” my dad said, only half paying attention.

“Do you like it, Brendan?” my mother asked.

“Umm.” Brendan turned and looked at me and seemed to study my hair and face combination. If he said no or anything other than singing my absolute praises, I was going to kick his ass and send him on the first flight back to New York.

“Yeah,” he finally said, grinning. “I can’t get over how good it looks.”

“Of course he’s going to say he likes it, Jackie, he’s not rude,” my dad said.

They sat there bickering (which became a recurring theme on the trip) until Winnie said I should have princess hair. Winnie’s current obsessions are princesses and Barbie. She said Kara has princess hair.

“Who is Kara?” my mom asked her, completely oblivious.

“Brady’s girlfriend,” I answered, a bit too excitedly.

“Brady has a girlfriend?” my dad said.

“Oh, he didn’t tell you?” I said, sipping my drink. Brady and my parents love to have conversations behind my back but he hadn’t told them about Kara? Shocker!

“No, he didn’t tell me. Did he tell you, Jackie?” my dad said.

She shook her head no and looked genuinely really surprised which I loved.

“Apparently they’re getting serious. He put his house on the market and I think they’re considering moving in together,” I went on. I could feel Brendan staring at me, probably sensing that I was being messy and speculating, so I didn’t look at him.

“Well that’s unexpected,” my mother said. I wanted to know what she meant by “unexpected” but I’d ask her later, when Brendan wasn’t around.

After Winnie picked what she wanted off her plate and my parents’ plates, she wanted to come over to our side of the table. Then my parents actually started showing interest in Brendan and asking him questions about himself. In true fashion, my dad wanted to know about his education and what he likes to do for fun while my mom wanted to know more personal things like how old he was when his parents got divorced. She was going to try to dig up all his trauma and break him down at the table, but she was impressed when he told her that his parents put him and his sister in therapy after they divorced. Plus, like we all discussed, he’s 34. I don’t think he’s concerned about his parents’ divorce when he was a kid. Personally, I was going to need therapy after watching my parents argue and fight all weekend. They clearly hate each other and I’m just now realizing it.

After lunch, we walked down to the boardwalk amusement park type situation which was as gross as it sounds. I hated every minute of it, but everyone else seemed to enjoy it. Winnie went back and forth between running and screaming down the boardwalk and wanting to be carried by my dad or Brendan.

My mom came up to me and said, with a straight face, “Winnie loves him, at least.”

What the fuck was that supposed to mean? Of course she loves him! She didn’t care if I did or not.

My parents took Winnie for the evening so Brendan and I could do adult things. Meaning: 

1. Go to dinner 
2. Go out for drinks 
3. Get tired at drinks and go back to the hotel to get in bed

The next morning, my parents called bright and early, wanting to go out for breakfast.

“And hurry because Winnie is starving,” she said.

I rolled my eyes. I was not even about to argue with her as she knows Winnie is dramatic about eating in the morning. But still, we got up and dressed. My mom had made some comment about Brendan and me both wearing matching Birkenstocks the day prior (in a way that felt judgy) and not that I cared, but I was sure not to wear them again.

We met them down at the restaurant where Winnie already had a big plate of pancakes in front of her.

“You must’ve been out late having drinksssss,” my mom sang as we sat down. Mind you, it was like 8:30 at this point so I’m not sure why she was insinuating that we slept in or something.

“We literally weren’t,” I said, but my mother ignored me. She wanted to talk about Winnie’s sleeping habits. Ms. Winnie, she informed me, had stayed up until 2 o’clock in the morning and even then she threw a tantrum and had to be forced to sleep.

“I mean, even after the long day we had, this child had so much energy! Dad was thinking about leaving us here and going back to the house for the night! I thought of calling you, but figured you were out partying or enjoying each other’s company,” my mother shrieked.

Really?

“Mom, please,” I said.

She continued on. “And then she woke up at 5 looking for food. Luckily we had some trail mix in the room, but Dad was about to go get her something from McDonald’s. This child can eat! She must be going through a growth spurt.”

“Yeah, I told you she’s growing and eats a lot,” I said. “Brady said he had to take her shopping the other weekend because she grew out of all of her clothes there.”

My mom started rambling on about how one of her good friends has a granddaughter who is a little bit older than Winnie and had a ton of clothes to give away and to remind her to get them to me before we left. That sounded like a lot of hassle so I wouldn’t be doing that. She and my dad started bickering about the logistics of getting the clothing back to New York (my mom said I should check another bag and my dad thought they should ship it to me) and I was mortified because they’d already gotten into it about several other useless things already.

And then out of nowhere, my mom was like, “So Brendan, do you want to get married again?”

I’m pretty sure this was on my list of things she wasn’t allowed to talk about, but I was willing to let this slide because I actually did want to hear his answer. Of course he’s told me that he’s open to marriage again, but I wanted to know what he was going to tell my mom.

“Yes—” Brendan started, but then my mom interrupted him.

“Because you know we’ve had Reese’s wedding planned since 2010. You’d think I’m joking, but I’m not! We’ve always wanted a big wedding for her, in a big church with hot pink roses and a ballgown. Oh! You could do matching dresses with Winnie now—”

“Mom, can you please stop?” I asked politely. Like I’d ever do hot pink roses!

“Yeah, you really need to quit, Jackie. You don’t know what might happen between the two of them,” my dad said.

“Okay, I’ll stop,” she said and then turned her attention back to Brendan. “But what’s your timeline?”

I was about to scream at her again for being weird and inappropriate, but then Brendan said, “I guess get engaged in the next year or two.”

And he said it with no hesitation, like he’d thought about it. Brendan and I talk about getting married sometimes, but never in a meaningful way. We just talk about it like we assume it’ll happen at some point and I know better than to try to force it (it obviously worked out really well with Brady). Plus, he’s been married before so I’m sure he’s not trying to rush into another.

“Wait, really?” I said, surprised.

“Yeah, I guess. I’m not in a hurry. What do you think?” he said.

I was like, “Oh, that works for me.” I’m obviously not in a hurry either, but I loved hearing that he’s thought about a timeline. I have no idea if it’ll come to fruition — I can’t fathom getting engaged to someone I’ve never lived with — but still.

“Well, I’d like to have a say in that,” my dad said, half joking. He’s much less opinionated than my mother, and I think more than anything just always wants me to be happy. 

“For sure.”

We spent the remainder of the day at the aquarium mainly because I refused to do the beach. Winnie was more interested in other people’s empty Starbucks trash than any of the animals or exhibits so that was pleasant. Then she talked my parents into spending $300 on random shit from the gift shop which I insisted they keep at their place in Texas because I don’t want it cluttering our little apartment.

My mom got drunk at dinner and my dad was fuming about it because he knew she was going to do that and he’d asked her not to. They’re both so fucking embarrassing. I was watching them argue at the table like, yeah, I’m literally never coming to visit y’all again.

Winnie clonked out at dinner so we took her back to the hotel room for the night. Brendan was leaving to go back to New York in the morning and we laid in bed talking. I said something like, I’m sure after meeting my parents he can see how I turned out so crazy. He assured me that he didn’t think they were that crazy and said my mom was fun. And he and my dad bonded over golf (if you’re at all interested in golf, my dad will love you), cryptocurrency and day trading, whatever that is.

After Brendan left, we went back to my parents house where we would stay the remainder of the trip. You’d think we were staying with them for longer than 32 hours by the amount of food my mom had stocked for us, but I appreciated the effort. And like I mentioned earlier, Winnie can eat, so I’m sure she appreciated it too.

My mom and I stayed up after my dad and Winnie had gone to bed, talking and drinking wine (the bottle that Brendan gifted them like that gentleman he is). Now that we were alone, she wanted to talk about Brady. Of course. But it was fine because I kind of did too.

“So who is the new girlfriend?” my mom wanted to know.

“I have no clue. Obviously I’ve tried to find her, but haven’t had any luck since Brady is vague with details,” I said.

“And you think they’re going to move in together?”

“Yeah, maybe. Which is insane because they’ve only been together for like 4 months. I just don’t see why else he would sell the house he said he bought specifically for Winnie,” I told her.

“I can’t see Brady doing that,” my mom said, like a know-it-all because she knows him so well. “I haven’t heard from him in a while so I guess I know why now. I might text him.”

It was kind of sad the way she said that, like she’s Allie and he’s Noah. And honestly I was glad that they aren’t having conversations anymore because what else would they have to talk about besides me?

Anyway. I wasn’t going to ask, but I couldn’t help myself.

“So what did you think of Brendan?”

“Oh, I like him,” my mom answered with zero enthusiasm.

“That’s it?”

“Yes, he seems nice,” she said vaguely. “And Winnie adores him so you should be happy about that.”

I was just like, what? Utter confusion. My mother has so many opinions and has no problem letting them be known and that’s all she had to say? She was acting indifferent and I was suspicious. I remember her gushing all over Brady when she met him and she’s been obsessed since. She loved him from the minute she met him, and no offense, but I don’t think Brady ever did anything to warrant such strong feelings from her. Even after how awful and mean he was to me and how his mom treated me, she loves him. And it’s not like I care that much what she thinks, I just thought she’d see how better suited Brendan is for me and be happy for me.