I decided to go with Winnie to Houston for the July 4th holiday. My old bestie, Kendra, gave me the idea when she told me she was going to Houston with her family. I’m like, that’s a great idea — Winnie is overdue for some grandparents’ time. She has grown so much even since the last time they saw her and she’s so funny and smart and yeah. I thought it was time! And I guess I was feeling optimistic or something because I decided to invite Brendan. He could try to get out of coming to Chicago with me, but if he said no to this, we were going to have a problem.

So I asked him if he wanted to come to Houston with me and Winnie to meet my parents.

“I would love to,” Brendan said. “Are you okay with me meeting them?”

If you recall, last year I told Brendan point blank that I didn’t want him to meet my parents. He never brought it up again, but I think it sort of bothered him — especially since he was hinting at it months and months later. But I figured Brendan has shared his entire family with me — including his estranged mother — so it was only right that he got to meet my looney parents. We made arrangements and decided that he would stay for the first two days of the trip and then go home so he could spend the actual July 4th holiday with his family. The thought of spending a holiday away from his family is like, impossible to imagine for Brendan and I wonder if he will get over that once we get married.

And when I said Houston, I meant the beach just south of Houston because there’s nothing to do where my parents live. I told my mom my plan and she took it upon herself to book a suite for Brendan and me and another one for herself and my dad, where Winnie would primarily be staying. What? What’s the point of parents/grandparents if not to take your child off your hands?

I was under the impression that my mom had come around to the idea of Brendan, and us being together, but don’t think I didn’t have a stern conversation with her before we left for the trip. You know how she is. I’m like, “Don’t interrogate him, don’t bring up his ex-wife, don’t bring up Brady, don’t talk about money, don’t ask him anything personal, etc!” She acted like I was being ridiculous for needing to “provide a list of rules” but again, you know how she is. I was sure to emphasize how lovely and welcoming Brendan’s family has been to me because I know my mom and if nothing else, she is a southern gal at heart, so she would want to compete over the niceties. And obviously I warned Brendan about my mother, but I felt like I had some leeway since his mom was kind of an asshole to me.

We were all meeting for lunch on the first day, at a touristy little seafood spot near the hotel. Something casual and not too fussy for the first meeting. We’d just have a nice light lunch where my mom could ask whatever questions she had and we could get on with the weekend.

So I was a little surprised when after the initial introductions and we all sat down, my mom said to Brendan, “No one ever taught you to take your hat off at the table?”

I was thinking, she’s startin’. It was the casualist of lunches, it was hot and near the beach and there were screaming children everywhere and dozens of men at other tables wearing baseball hats and she was worried about Brendan? But still, Brendan pulled the hat off and shook out all his hat hair (and he had his summer hair growing out so I didn’t even mind the hat tbh). Winnie found all of this hilarious and sat on my dad’s lap dying laughing. And after all that, I saw my mom wink at Brendan which told me all of this was a test.

We went around the table and ordered with the server including Winnie. My mom took it upon herself to order a margarita pitcher for the table which I had no plans to partake in (it was barely noon), but I thought maybe it would give her something to focus on other than me and Brendan.

Wrong.

She went around the table and poured some for everyone except Winnie who threw a fit when she found out she wasn’t allowed to have any. She already had a bright pink drink that was most likely going to send her into a sugar coma later so I ignored her, but my parents reasoned with her until she calmed down.

And then my mom asked Brendan how old he is.

“34,” he answered.

“And already married and divorced,” my mom said delightedly. She’d clearly been dying to say that.

“Mom!” I screamed at her. She was worried about Brendan wearing a hat at the table, but where were her manners?

Brendan turned to me and calmly said, “It’s okay,” trying to deescalate the situation.

My mom looked around innocently like she wasn’t sure why I was offended.

“K,” I said.

And then she didn’t even give him a chance to explain his situation or anything and just went on commenting how she doesn’t think he looks 34 and she would’ve guessed 30, max. So obviously she just used the “married and divorced” comment as a dig.

Brendan seemed to reluctantly take it as a compliment until my dad started teasing him about how to look older.

“A little facial hair wouldn’t hurt,” my dad joked.

Do you think they ever teased Brady (who is also clean shaven) about having facial hair? Not that anyone gives a fuck about Brady! And why wasn’t anyone telling me how young I looked? I was actually trying!

“I’m glad everyone is treating me like I’m a cougar,” I interjected.

“Oh we’re not, sweetie,” my mom said, brushing me off. “But I do prefer your hair longer though. It’s more youthful.”

A few months ago I chopped my hair off into a bob (I do this every few years for a fresh start) and now it’s grown out to just past my shoulders.

“Well this is easier and healthier. My split ends were starting to cut me, they were so bad,” I explained.

“I think it looks nice,” my dad said, only half paying attention.

“Do you like it, Brendan?” my mother asked.

“Umm.” Brendan turned and looked at me and seemed to study my hair and face combination. If he said no or anything other than singing my absolute praises, I was going to kick his ass and send him on the first flight back to New York.

“Yeah,” he finally said, grinning. “I can’t get over how good it looks.”

“Of course he’s going to say he likes it, Jackie, he’s not rude,” my dad said.

They sat there bickering (which became a recurring theme on the trip) until Winnie said I should have princess hair. Winnie’s current obsessions are princesses and Barbie. She said Kara has princess hair.

“Who is Kara?” my mom asked her, completely oblivious.

“Brady’s girlfriend,” I answered, a bit too excitedly.

“Brady has a girlfriend?” my dad said.

“Oh, he didn’t tell you?” I said, sipping my drink. Brady and my parents love to have conversations behind my back but he hadn’t told them about Kara? Shocker!

“No, he didn’t tell me. Did he tell you, Jackie?” my dad said.

She shook her head no and looked genuinely really surprised which I loved.

“Apparently they’re getting serious. He put his house on the market and I think they’re considering moving in together,” I went on. I could feel Brendan staring at me, probably sensing that I was being messy and speculating, so I didn’t look at him.

“Well that’s unexpected,” my mother said. I wanted to know what she meant by “unexpected” but I’d ask her later, when Brendan wasn’t around.

After Winnie picked what she wanted off her plate and my parents’ plates, she wanted to come over to our side of the table. Then my parents actually started showing interest in Brendan and asking him questions about himself. In true fashion, my dad wanted to know about his education and what he likes to do for fun while my mom wanted to know more personal things like how old he was when his parents got divorced. She was going to try to dig up all his trauma and break him down at the table, but she was impressed when he told her that his parents put him and his sister in therapy after they divorced. Plus, like we all discussed, he’s 34. I don’t think he’s concerned about his parents’ divorce when he was a kid. Personally, I was going to need therapy after watching my parents argue and fight all weekend. They clearly hate each other and I’m just now realizing it.

After lunch, we walked down to the boardwalk amusement park type situation which was as gross as it sounds. I hated every minute of it, but everyone else seemed to enjoy it. Winnie went back and forth between running and screaming down the boardwalk and wanting to be carried by my dad or Brendan.

My mom came up to me and said, with a straight face, “Winnie loves him, at least.”

What the fuck was that supposed to mean? Of course she loves him! She didn’t care if I did or not.

My parents took Winnie for the evening so Brendan and I could do adult things. Meaning: 

1. Go to dinner 
2. Go out for drinks 
3. Get tired at drinks and go back to the hotel to get in bed

The next morning, my parents called bright and early, wanting to go out for breakfast.

“And hurry because Winnie is starving,” she said.

I rolled my eyes. I was not even about to argue with her as she knows Winnie is dramatic about eating in the morning. But still, we got up and dressed. My mom had made some comment about Brendan and me both wearing matching Birkenstocks the day prior (in a way that felt judgy) and not that I cared, but I was sure not to wear them again.

We met them down at the restaurant where Winnie already had a big plate of pancakes in front of her.

“You must’ve been out late having drinksssss,” my mom sang as we sat down. Mind you, it was like 8:30 at this point so I’m not sure why she was insinuating that we slept in or something.

“We literally weren’t,” I said, but my mother ignored me. She wanted to talk about Winnie’s sleeping habits. Ms. Winnie, she informed me, had stayed up until 2 o’clock in the morning and even then she threw a tantrum and had to be forced to sleep.

“I mean, even after the long day we had, this child had so much energy! Dad was thinking about leaving us here and going back to the house for the night! I thought of calling you, but figured you were out partying or enjoying each other’s company,” my mother shrieked.

Really?

“Mom, please,” I said.

She continued on. “And then she woke up at 5 looking for food. Luckily we had some trail mix in the room, but Dad was about to go get her something from McDonald’s. This child can eat! She must be going through a growth spurt.”

“Yeah, I told you she’s growing and eats a lot,” I said. “Brady said he had to take her shopping the other weekend because she grew out of all of her clothes there.”

My mom started rambling on about how one of her good friends has a granddaughter who is a little bit older than Winnie and had a ton of clothes to give away and to remind her to get them to me before we left. That sounded like a lot of hassle so I wouldn’t be doing that. She and my dad started bickering about the logistics of getting the clothing back to New York (my mom said I should check another bag and my dad thought they should ship it to me) and I was mortified because they’d already gotten into it about several other useless things already.

And then out of nowhere, my mom was like, “So Brendan, do you want to get married again?”

I’m pretty sure this was on my list of things she wasn’t allowed to talk about, but I was willing to let this slide because I actually did want to hear his answer. Of course he’s told me that he’s open to marriage again, but I wanted to know what he was going to tell my mom.

“Yes—” Brendan started, but then my mom interrupted him.

“Because you know we’ve had Reese’s wedding planned since 2010. You’d think I’m joking, but I’m not! We’ve always wanted a big wedding for her, in a big church with hot pink roses and a ballgown. Oh! You could do matching dresses with Winnie now—”

“Mom, can you please stop?” I asked politely. Like I’d ever do hot pink roses!

“Yeah, you really need to quit, Jackie. You don’t know what might happen between the two of them,” my dad said.

“Okay, I’ll stop,” she said and then turned her attention back to Brendan. “But what’s your timeline?”

I was about to scream at her again for being weird and inappropriate, but then Brendan said, “I guess get engaged in the next year or two.”

And he said it with no hesitation, like he’d thought about it. Brendan and I talk about getting married sometimes, but never in a meaningful way. We just talk about it like we assume it’ll happen at some point and I know better than to try to force it (it obviously worked out really well with Brady). Plus, he’s been married before so I’m sure he’s not trying to rush into another.

“Wait, really?” I said, surprised.

“Yeah, I guess. I’m not in a hurry. What do you think?” he said.

I was like, “Oh, that works for me.” I’m obviously not in a hurry either, but I loved hearing that he’s thought about a timeline. I have no idea if it’ll come to fruition — I can’t fathom getting engaged to someone I’ve never lived with — but still.

“Well, I’d like to have a say in that,” my dad said, half joking. He’s much less opinionated than my mother, and I think more than anything just always wants me to be happy. 

“For sure.”

We spent the remainder of the day at the aquarium mainly because I refused to do the beach. Winnie was more interested in other people’s empty Starbucks trash than any of the animals or exhibits so that was pleasant. Then she talked my parents into spending $300 on random shit from the gift shop which I insisted they keep at their place in Texas because I don’t want it cluttering our little apartment.

My mom got drunk at dinner and my dad was fuming about it because he knew she was going to do that and he’d asked her not to. They’re both so fucking embarrassing. I was watching them argue at the table like, yeah, I’m literally never coming to visit y’all again.

Winnie clonked out at dinner so we took her back to the hotel room for the night. Brendan was leaving to go back to New York in the morning and we laid in bed talking. I said something like, I’m sure after meeting my parents he can see how I turned out so crazy. He assured me that he didn’t think they were that crazy and said my mom was fun. And he and my dad bonded over golf (if you’re at all interested in golf, my dad will love you), cryptocurrency and day trading, whatever that is.

After Brendan left, we went back to my parents house where we would stay the remainder of the trip. You’d think we were staying with them for longer than 32 hours by the amount of food my mom had stocked for us, but I appreciated the effort. And like I mentioned earlier, Winnie can eat, so I’m sure she appreciated it too.

My mom and I stayed up after my dad and Winnie had gone to bed, talking and drinking wine (the bottle that Brendan gifted them like that gentleman he is). Now that we were alone, she wanted to talk about Brady. Of course. But it was fine because I kind of did too.

“So who is the new girlfriend?” my mom wanted to know.

“I have no clue. Obviously I’ve tried to find her, but haven’t had any luck since Brady is vague with details,” I said.

“And you think they’re going to move in together?”

“Yeah, maybe. Which is insane because they’ve only been together for like 4 months. I just don’t see why else he would sell the house he said he bought specifically for Winnie,” I told her.

“I can’t see Brady doing that,” my mom said, like a know-it-all because she knows him so well. “I haven’t heard from him in a while so I guess I know why now. I might text him.”

It was kind of sad the way she said that, like she’s Allie and he’s Noah. And honestly I was glad that they aren’t having conversations anymore because what else would they have to talk about besides me?

Anyway. I wasn’t going to ask, but I couldn’t help myself.

“So what did you think of Brendan?”

“Oh, I like him,” my mom answered with zero enthusiasm.

“That’s it?”

“Yes, he seems nice,” she said vaguely. “And Winnie adores him so you should be happy about that.”

I was just like, what? Utter confusion. My mother has so many opinions and has no problem letting them be known and that’s all she had to say? She was acting indifferent and I was suspicious. I remember her gushing all over Brady when she met him and she’s been obsessed since. She loved him from the minute she met him, and no offense, but I don’t think Brady ever did anything to warrant such strong feelings from her. Even after how awful and mean he was to me and how his mom treated me, she loves him. And it’s not like I care that much what she thinks, I just thought she’d see how better suited Brendan is for me and be happy for me.