i don’t know if i should be doing this.  

Brady texted me on Sunday night that he was having a couple people over on Monday for Labor Day. I rolled my eyes and decided I wasn’t responding.

On Monday morning my friend, Lexi, texted me saying, “I heard Brady is having a party today. You think we should go?”

And if Lexi was hearing about Brady’s party then he’d probably invited more than a “couple people.”

“We should go,” I texted back.

I got dressed and met Lexi out so we could eat and catch up before going to Brady’s. I didn’t let Brady know that I was coming because I thought it would be interesting to surprise him.

When Lexi and I arrived, the first person I saw was Hunter. He did a double take when he saw me.

“Whoa!!” he exclaimed like he was super surprised to see me. “It’s been a while.” He pulled me into a hug and then saw Lexi when we pulled away.

“Hey, I’m Lexi,” she said, shoving her hand in his. I thought nothing of this encounter because Lexi is always super outgoing and flirty and Hunter is pretty good looking.

“So what have you been up to?” Hunter asked me.

“Honestly, nothing new. Life is boring lately. How’s the wife and kids?” I replied. I glanced at Lexi out of the corner of my eye to gauge her reaction. Her huge smile didn’t break.

“Oh, they’re all good,” he said nonchalantly, almost brushing it off.

Brady appeared next to me with a beer in his hand. “Well, hello.”

I don’t know why, but seeing Brady and Hunter together made me kind of nostalgic and happy. To my surprise, Brady put his arm around my neck for a hug.

“You guys look just alike!” Lexi exclaimed.

I hadn’t expected Hunter to be there so I didn’t tell Lexi that they were brothers beforehand. I’ve never thought Brady and Hunter looked alike, but after Lexi’s comment I studied them. Hunter is a solid four or five inches taller than Brady and in general is just larger and has a larger presence. I guess I could see the resemblance in the nose and blue eyes though.

Brady and Hunter looked at each other and smirked and then Brady focused back on me.

“I’m glad you decided to come,” he said.

“Yeah, well. Lucky for you, Lexi dragged me here,” I said back.

Brady smirked at me because he knew that wasn’t entirely true. “Can I get you a drink?”

I said yes and followed him to the kitchen.

“Patron with lime,” I requested.

I watched Brady as he meticulously grabbed a rocks glass and the bottle of Patron, cut a lime and squeezed it into the glass. It was so hot. Why is Brady so hot when he’s just making a drink? When he finished he took a sip.

“Had to make sure it was good enough for you. You’ll love it,” he said and handed me the glass.

I rolled my eyes, but couldn’t help smiling. We started talking about our weeks and then about restaurants including this new steakhouse that’s been hard to get reservations at. Brady said he’d gone the weekend prior.

“With who?” I asked.

He got this look on his face like he was caught.

“Oh, a friend of mine,” he said.

“A girl friend?”

Brady smirked at me and tilted his head. “Does it matter?”

“Of course it matters. I wouldn’t have asked if it didn’t. So who was it?”

“A girl. It was a date,” Brady said defiantly.

Even though I’d assumed it was some sort of date, hearing Brady say it out loud actually kind of upset me.

“Oh. And where is this girl now? I’d love to meet her,” I said.

“I bet you would,” Brady said, smiling. He took a sip of his beer, but didn’t take his eyes off me or stop smiling.

“Yep, so I can warn her to stay away from a guy who actually can’t follow through with his commitments and in general is kind of a baby about most things.”

Brady’s eyebrows shot up like he was surprised, but he still said, “I wish I’d gone with you.”

I didn’t know what to say so I said, “Okay, Brady.”

He said, “Okay. Well enjoy your drink.” He walked away and it frustrated me to no end. Like stay and argue with me some more.

I went to find Lexi, but she wasn’t where I left her. I ran into Lindsey who was there with some guys from work (Lindsey is such a guy’s girl). I hung out with her for a little while and we caught up because I have not seen her in so long. She mentioned wanting to leave Chicago which made me sad because Chicago is a great city. She talked about how she and her boy want to move and settle in Ireland because they just took a long vacation and loved it. It actually sounded incredibly boring.

About two hours later I realized that I hadn’t seen Lexi or Hunter since Brady and I left them. I texted Lexi asking her where she was and then I ran into Brady again.

“Have you seen your brother?” I demanded.

He shrugged. “Not for a while. Why?”

“Because they’re missing. And I know how he is and I know how she is,” I said.

“And they’re adults. You don’t have to babysit them.”

I wanted to smack him.

“Well your brother is married with several kids and it is concerning that you don’t care about his extra martial activities. So…”

Brady actually had the nerve to roll his eyes at me. “Reese, it’s not your business.”

We went back and forth all day. Both of us wanted the last word and to continue talking to each other. Eventually it dwindled down to just a few of us and Lexi hadn’t responded to any of my texts or phone calls. Brady was sitting outside with some guy friends and I waltzed out there.

“I’m leaving,” I announced.

Brady jumped up. “Right now? But…”

He couldn’t think of an excuse and I just stared at him.

“Do you want to do something later?” he asked.

It was kind of hilarious because we’d literally been bickering all day and now he wanted to hang out. But I did too.

“Maybe. I’m meeting up with a friend now and I don’t know how late that’ll go,” I said which was 100% true and the friend was Preston. We had made plans to go to Boystown for drinks behind his boyfriend’s back.

So I didn’t end up hanging out with Brady that night, but at 10:00 PM, I finally heard back from Lexi.

“Where the fuck have you been?” I answered the phone.

“Dude, sorry,” she said. “I was hanging out with Brady’s brother. Hunter.”

“Yeah, and? I called you forty times.”

“We lost track of time…”

“What did y’all do?”

Lexi sighed happily. “Everything. I love him!”

“What do you mean everything?” I demanded.

“Everything. We ended up getting bored at the party and he came over to my place. We smoked… and had sex like four times. My vagina hurts!”

I screamed.

“Lexi!”

“What?”

“You know he’s married and has two small babies right?”

“Yeah, he told me about that. His wife knows he has needs,” she said.

I made her tell me every dirty detail including the fact that she and Hunter had unprotected sex even though he obviously has swimmers and she’s not even on birth control. I was so disgusted.

After I hung up with Lexi, Brady texted me saying, “I finally found Hunter.”

I replied, “Yeah, Lexi called me. Did he tell you what happened?”

“I didn’t ask,” Brady said and to me that meant he already knew what happened. Hunter does it all the time.

On Tuesday when I got to work, Monica was already there and was working on some sort of board to track the sales of individuals on my team. It was primary colors and she’d made a border on it with metallic stickers.

“What’s that?” I asked.

“Scott asked me to track your sales since no one has been doing it,” she explained.

“I have been doing it,” I said back. Like, was that a joke? My sole job is to track my team’s sales so I could hold them accountable and help them bonus. Scott knows that.

“No, I mean, he wants it visible to everyone. It’s kind of dumb.” Monica rolled her eyes.

“Yes, it is,” I said and walked away.

Later in the day, Scott stopped by my office. I don’t see him as much because he’s traveling all the time, but sometimes he emails me, asking how everything is going.

“Hey! How was your weekend?” he asked.

“Fine, thanks,” I replied. I wasn’t about to ask about his.

“Good!” He paused. “I have some things I’d like to go over with you and have you take on to make Monica’s transition a bit smoother.”

My eyes shot up in a “You have to be kidding me” look. He wanted me to help the girl they chose over me do her job better?

Scott pulled out a folder and explained some of the reporting he does and what he does with the information.

“You’re great with analyzing reports and breaking down numbers so I’d love for you to take over this part of the business,” he said, flattering me (even though it’s true).

And it’s not like I could refuse to do what he asked me, but I was going to share my opinion.

“I really think if Monica can’t handle a few numbers and reports then she shouldn’t have been put in that role, but this is fine. I’ll help out,” I said.

Scott looked guilty, but thanked me. And then a few weeks later, after I’d been doing the reports for a while, he had the nerve to ask me to teach Monica how to do it.

It was through text message and I responded, “She doesn’t retain information at all, and I don’t want to waste my time teaching her something that she won’t even remember how to do. But fine. I’ll do it tomorrow.”

Scott replied, “Thank you, Reese! For everything.”

So I sent a calendar invite to Monica and spent an hour with her showing her everything and being patient while she took notes on a Post-It. And then the next day, I heard her complaining that she lost her Post-It and had forgotten everything I taught her. It was actually laughable.

Other than that, everything has been fine. The weekend after Labor Day, Brady invited me to a Cubs game. He was going with a group and had an extra ticket. I was just excited to have plans and happily said yes. The group consisted of Brady and some of his more established friends and their wives/girlfriends and I think he just wanted to have a (fun) date. I had one of those sparkly Victoria’s Secret PINK tanks that I got when I first moved to Chicago and dug in the bottom of my closet to find it.

The game was a lot of fun, mostly due to all the booze and shitty food they had available. I think at this point, the world knows baseball is boring and have to find ways to still get people to go to games.

Brady had to explain all the basics of the game to me like why the guys got so many chances to hit the ball.

“He’s just wasting time at the point. He’s had plenty of chances to hit the ball,” I said.

“Those were bad throws,” Brady explained.

“No wonder these games are so long and boring,” I said.

After the game, Brady’s friends went home, but he and I went to a bar in Wrigley. We drank and danced and after about an hour, Brady invited me to come over.

I made a face. “I probably shouldn’t, but I want to see Tucker.”

When we got to Brady’s, he ordered a pizza and we sat on the couch for literally five hours talking. I had even started to sober up. I realized that I’d been dying to talk to him. Like I just love talking to him. I can talk a lot and he’s actually a really great listener and asks a lot of questions and encourages me to talk about myself. I love that. And I love that he will eat shit food with me.

I unintentionally stayed over (swear!) after a long night of making out in bed. It was a bit juvenile, but I kind of liked it. When I woke up, Brady was sitting up in bed on his phone.

“Hey,” I muttered.

“Morning. Are you hungry? I was thinking we could get breakfast and then we could take Tucker to the dog park and I’ll show you where he goes for daycare,” Brady said. He was acting like all of this was normal and we hadn’t been fighting and seeing other people for months.

“Okay,” I agreed.

We spent the entire day together and to me, it kind of felt temporary. Like this was fun and cute, but we would never do it again. It’d been close to a year since Brady and I had been together (can you believe it?) and I didn’t think either of us had any intentions of going down that road again. I was thinking, “Aw, I kinda missed this,” but was fully prepared to go back to responding to any text or Snap from any guy because I’m lonely.

But we’ve been kind of inseparable. It’s like we fell back into how we used to be and I really don’t know why. It’s mostly weird because neither of us have mentioned how weird it is. We even planned a trip next month. When we booked it, Brady said, “Are you sure you want to go with me?” And that’s the closest we’ve gotten to discussing anything.

So I don’t know. You know that feeling you get when you know you’re doing something you shouldn’t be and it feels like going down a steep San Francisco hill on rollerblades? Yeah.

I know that Brady is a good guy and I am super happy when we are together, but I still wonder if I’m so eager to hang out with him because I don’t want to be alone. This is me overthinking what the blog comments will be. I know y’all hate Brady, but I kind of don’t. He’s had some questionable behavior in the past, but I definitely have too.

I don’t think I quite trust him though. We were supposed to hang out promptly at 7:30 one night and I texted him at 7:00 to check in and he didn’t reply until 10:05pm.

“I’m so sorry. I got pulled into something at work. You still want to hang out?” he replied.

The fuck? I understand shit comes up at work, but if you knew you had plans (especially with the girl you’re seeing) then wouldn’t you find some time to send a quick text? So I didn’t reply and we didn’t see each other that night.

And if that were the only time then it would probably be fine, but another night I was waiting at his place for him to come home from work so we could have dinner and then go out for drinks. I didn’t want to be a Nagging Ass Nancy so I just watched some shows On Demand and waited for him to him come home. This motherfucker didn’t come home until 4:30 in the morning. I was still up because I was waiting and coming up with different scenarios in my head.

“Hello,” I said in a cutesy voice so he wouldn’t know how pissed I was.

Brady waved and then went to the bathroom and stayed until I finally fell asleep. When I woke up he was sleeping downstairs. We never talked about that night like who he was with or what he did. He didn’t even apologize for ditching me again.

I can’t tell if I have true trust issues or if every guy I get involved with is a fuckboy.

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31 thoughts on “i don’t know if i should be doing this.  

  1. Delilah says:

    I think if you want to try again with Brady you have a few things to discuss. Trust is going to be key with you two giving it another go. You both need to put everything out there and go from there. I hope you and Brady can find some common ground and be happy, I really liked you two together. Thanks for the update 🙂 I know it must be hard to put yourself out there and have a bunch of random people give you advice and some of it not so nice haha

      • Lindsey says:

        Do you want to be with Brady? I think it’s clear he wants to be with you. Also, and this is important, do you miss Nick?

        You are both bad at communicating, but (I think) he is always honest when asked a direct question.

        He reminds me of my ex who was amazing. I kind of took the lead in our relationship and he would get upset with my shenanigans, but I led the communication and he opened up when I did. Communication will change your life. Start by asking questions and that opens the door. Try not to react. He can be honest and you can be honest.

        I think you need to find out about the times he made plans and was MIA. I would say, “I understand work things come up, but please let me know if you are going to get stuck in a meeting and have to cancel out of respect for me. I worry when you are not able to reach when we have plans. Are you okay? Did I do something wrong? Otherwise, I am sitting there worried.” Go from there and let us know.

      • I miss Nick, but I don’t think about him that often – only when I see something that reminds me of him. I want to be better at communicating and I think if Brady and I could communicate better we would be so good together. I’m afraid and seeming too needy or him thinking I care too much (even though I do) because then he will think he has the upper hand. I know I shouldn’t think that way, but I always want to be in control! of not only my own feelings, but his too. 😳

      • Lindsey says:

        Wanting to be in control of his feelings (and yours) is not terrribly unusual, especially because 1. You learned that behavior from your mom. 2. You two don’t communicate well, so someone has to take the reigns. My ex was the sweetest guy, but I liked to take charge and put him in scenarios where he had to tell me how much he loved me and cared aboht me bc he did not always open up. I hate to say it, but we weren’t a match (although
        15 years later, we may have just been too young.)

        I have been married to my husband for 10 years and we are both good at communicating. It helps tremendously because we always know we are one another’s #1 priority and he is the first person I have been 100% real wjth. I think it has more to do with experience and growth than anything. Counseling would help you out bc you would be able to learn how to be vulnerable without fighting.

  2. Roberta says:

    I think you and Brady are meant to be but maybe you had to be apart for the year to grow a bit. You need to talk to him about blowing you off and have the talk about what you guys are and where you want this to go.

  3. Ashley says:

    So I don’t hate Brady. I just hate the way he treats you. People can be really good people, but bad when they are in certain relationships, and I just feel like that’s the case here. I would be lying if I said I have never backslid with an ex, because I was just so desperate for it to work with him. And I think the reason we get that way is because we truly have love for the guy and it’s hard to let go of the good feelings you get when you’re with that person. It’s really easy to “forget” or minimize the bad times when you’re having fun right now. I think we all have that one person that we would give anything to be with and are always willing to try and make it work again and again, even when you know it won’t. And it’s sucks and it hurts, yet we keep doing it for those few weeks or months of happiness until the problems start again.

    As for whether you have trust issues or the guys you date are just fuckboys, it’s probably a combination of both. I know that when we have trust issues, for some reason we end up pick fuckboys to date because we want to prove something to ourselves. If that even makes sense. I know I have said this before, and I don’t mean this in a negative way AT ALL, but I really believe you would benefit from therapy. I have seen a therapist for several years because when I was younger, around your age, I went through a lot of the same relationship mistakes as you. (Minus being with married men). I found that my trust issues made me kind of believe I didn’t deserve better than the fuckboys I dated. I just suggest therapy because when reading your posts, I sense a lot of insecurity in yourself. And I’m not placing judgement on you for that, because I have been there and I still feel insecure sometimes. I’ve been reading your blog since the beginning, and I’ve seen a lot of growth in you, and I commend you for putting your life out here for us all to read and basically judge.
    We all just want to see you happy and we don’t want to see you keep getting your mind fucked with by Brady. He likes to play games with you because it’s like he wants to prove that he can still have you when he wants you, no matter what shithead thing he pulls. You do you, girl. Whatever is going to make you feel happy and fulfilled in life.

  4. C says:

    Reese!! I have so many thoughts and miss you. I will likely comment a ton of times. I just wanted to say that I do think you and Brady have potential but I also think that it makes sense you are being so cautious. I am about to start seeing a therapist and a friend of mine started a few months ago after the end of an on and off again relationship. I really think take things slow, have fun, and talk to someone!!

  5. A says:

    Hi Reese!! Thank you for writing again, missed you 🙂 So I think you should check out Natasha Adamo over at Post Male Syndrome. She’s beyond incredible, and might have some very helpful advice when it comes to setting boundaries, and more importantly, self love. I’ve been reading alot of her stuff lately, and the way Brady treats you isnt really right. So, just an idea. Either way I am glad you posted again!

  6. Sara says:

    Welcome back, Reese! I think your own comments about you being lonely are insightful and you would be well served to explore this idea, as it goes right too the heart of many of your relationship issues you have written about in the past. I think you are lonely, but finding a cure for your loneliness through someone else is not the way. I have written this in comments before: I really believe that peace has to come from within. I think you will find that you will be a better communicator because you won’t be so mired in insecurity. Meditation might help. Nothing crazy, but as a form of formal self reflection.

    I don’t hate Brady; in fact I was a long time defender if your relationship with him. Based on this post, however, it seems like nothing has changed in your interactions with him. I also think his cavalier attitude about Hunter’s constant infidelity is not a positive characteristic. True, it is nobody’s business except Hunter and his wife, but he is rather too accepting. I mean if it were my friend/sibling/etc., I think a “Dude, wtf are you doing?” Is warranted.

    Something finally clicked for me about Brady in this post. I think he is also very lonely and insecure. He reels you back in time and again because you provide him a sense of validation. Even when he is setting you up to be pissed off or jealous, your strong emotions give him a feeling of self worth (“Reese cares about me because I can make her jealous and I have power over her because I can make her mad.”) For an insecure person, these concepts are catnip. I had an ex that admitted that he got a huge charge out of me telling him I loved him and that it made him feel like a more worthwhile person, so he did things to make me say it even though he didn’t love me back. (Yeah, that was a pre-break up convo for sure!). My point is that this makes it more important that you find your own self worth. If you do, I think you will find that either a) you will finally have the strength to have the hard talk you need to with Brady, which you must do if you ever want a chance at at lasting relationship or b) you will the strength to finally call him on his BS and walk away without looking back.

    • A says:

      This is a really good point about Brady. It does seem that he “needs” your validation and affection Reese – kind of like a codependency situation. And exactly as Sara points out, this ties back to self-worth and boundaries, and knowing when to fold, even though your heart doesen’t want to.

    • Sara says:

      I absolutely think you need validation and affection Reese. I also think you DESERVE these things. I just haven’t seen Brady give these things to you. You might have a good time with him, but he always keeps you just enough off balance that he maintains the most control in your interactions. I think back to him inviting you to that Christmas party and then showing up with a date. Or recently him dancing with that gal in a bar in front of you. Or talking about someplace he went and the admitting it was with another woman. Each time you were hurt/pissed off/jealous (understandably!). That is not giving you validation or affection; furthermore both of these things are based in respect and Brady has not been respectful, as the above examples show. I know you like him, maybe even still love him, but are you willing to be in a relationship where you feel this constant aggravation and being unsure/untrusting? Nick was far more respectful and affectionate. He ended up not being the right guy for you, but his behavior should give you a yardstick by which you measure how you want to be treated. Maybe you and Brady will end up back together, and the heart wants what it wants, but I think you should be prepared to accept Brady as an as-is deal because he has shown no signs of changing in over 3 years.

  7. A says:

    Yes, I think you do. I mean, we all do. But in a healthy way, and in a way that does not compromise our boundaries and what we will put up with. His not texting you until 10, or coming home at 4:30 and sleepind downstairs – that just doesent seem right. I know it would hurt me if I were in that position, and leave me wondering whats going on. The validation and affection should be mutual, you should never have to ask where you stand or wonder whether this person truly cares. That’s all I mean. On the other hand, if you ARE getting what you need from Brady, then my viewpoint is way off base lol.

  8. Glad you’re back!!!! Can’t get enough of this blog lol I knew Brady would be back eventually.

    Check out my site: millermatrimony.com. I feature stories about my husband and I’s crazy college days, relationship advice, and how we’re preparing for our new arrival: Mia Lily.

  9. Mandy says:

    I’m a sucker for Brady. I don’t know what it is but I always wanted it to work our with him. My only fear is that by not talking one of you is seriously going to get hurt if the other moves on with no warning. A lot of the things he does confuses me. Like if he didn’t want something with you why invite you out on days with colleagues/friends? In some scenarios I would say its just to make you jealous but then other times (like the ball game where everyone was paired off) it seems like he wants your relationship back. I almost wonder sometimes if he is seeking approval from everyone else that he makes a go of it with you?? Also…you spoke to Lindsey??!?! I figured once you and Brady were over she would be happy and not speak to you. That alone may say something about how hes feeling

    • he confuses me too… he’s super hard to read especially after not being close for so long. I’m going to ask him what and he wants and we will see if he can come up with an answer. I was surprised about Lindsey also! it’s not like we don’t get along or anything like that but it’s not like we have anything to talk about

    • C says:

      I agree, but am pretty sure only very specific late night bars are open that late. Nonetheless, he could have grabbed a few drinks, had it escalated and gone back to a friend’s for more.

      I think the issue isn’t necessarily where he was but why he didn’t have the respect to send Reese even a “going to be late, sorry ” text. Takes less than 10 seconds, ya know?

    • Joyce says:

      I might be the only one thinking this, but instead of confronting him and asking where he was or even demand respect from him the biggest thing is.. Are they back together? It seemed while they were separated and having casual hangouts that multiple times they would plan something, he doesn’t reply, and you each go your separate ways until there’s a follow up text. Unless there’s a change in the relationship status that’s been made clear it doesn’t make sense for him to realize ‘oh this time I should let her know’.

      I hope you’ll be able to have an open conversation with him about the relationship first then let him know how you want to be treated.

  10. Kelly says:

    Here’s my take, it might not be too popular. During the relationship, Reese always seemed to be too overbearing for Brady. I mean with the engagement ring, checking his phone, freaking out if he was even speaking with another women whether it be a business colleague or a friend. I think this relationship brought out the worst in Reese. Whenever she wasn’t feeling loved or getting enough attention she would either take Brady’s credit card and buy all types of extravagant stuff or find validation from other men. We can all drone on about Brady’s negative aspects but until Reese fixes herself this pattern will continue.

    I personally don’t see it that Brady is so into Reese. I think it’s more like she’s there and he feels that he can be with her when he wants on his own terms. It seems like she’s filling a temporary void. If he were into Reese he wouldn’t be playing games by not letting her know where he is when they are supposed to meet up. I think he wants to have some fun and there is nothing wrong with that.

    I don’t think Brady and Reese are good together. They’ had a very toxic relationship. Yes they had some good times but in my opinion it seems that they both hurt each other a lot. Communication is a huge issue as well. Reese I understand wanting to be in control of everything all the time. Trust me I struggle with that as well. However, sometimes we need to let go and be vulnerable. If you always try control Brady’s feelings then you will never know what he thinks or let him be the person he is meant to be. Would you like if Brady were trying to control your feelings and every aspect of your life? When you trust someone you let those walls down and let them in. I understand that you have your own issues from past relationships. We all do. That’s why I urge you to go to your therapist and continue to work on yourself. The worst thing you can do is fall into a dead end relationship with Brady and waste your time and him. Work on yourself and becoming the amazing person you are deep inside. Work on your insecurities and become a stronger woman who knows what she is about and what she wants. Don’t play games with these men who are not worth your time.

    I think Brady is a good guy but not for you. He needs someone who is more understanding and gets him. I feel Brady has his insecurities as well but is afraid to open to Reese because he doesn’t want to say something to piss her off and then have to deal with that. He needs someone a bit more chill and confident. Just my take. I’m not bashing Reese in any way, I’m only stating my thoughts from reading this blog from the beginning.

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