Scott is mean. He’s being unnecessarily harsh and hard on me, kind of like how my old boss, Andrew, used to be. And I guess since it’s Scott I’m taking it personally. I can take criticism, in fact I like it, but I feel like he’s just picking on me. And I don’t know why he would do that.
The other day I sent out a sales email to everyone that was super uplifting and motivational which I’ve never done before and it was totally out of my comfort zone. Scott replied all and said, “Reese, why did you forget to highlight these two performers? They should be recognized.”
And to me, his tone sounded harsh and it felt like he was trying to embarrass me by calling me out like that. But when I complained about it to Julie, she said, “Ohh. I don’t think he meant to be rude.”
So I figured I was overreacting. Another day, I sent him an email asking a question about one of the reporting systems we use. Scott always tells me that I need to ask him more questions and he’s a wiz at all of our computer systems so I figured he was the perfect person to ask for help. He replied, adding IT into the thread.
“I believe this message is intended for IT, not me as I don’t have time for these things. Will someone please help Reese?”
And again, I felt that was a little unnecessary. Scott always helps me with everything I need and actually gets offended when I don’t go to him. So I was confused.
On Monday, I decided to go see him in his office and confront him in person.
“Heyyy,” I sang, knocking on the door.
Scott glanced up at me and then back to his phone. “Hi, Reese.”
“What’s up? How was your weekend?” I asked.
He shrugged, but didn’t say anything.
“Nothing? I’m surprised you didn’t stay out until 4am!” I said. I leaned against the side of his desk.
He still didn’t say anything so I continued talking.
“I went over to Kendra’s to hang out with the baby. She loves me. We played dolls for like four hours straight. Would you be mad if I quit so I can be her full time nanny? She’s so cute.”
“Reese, I’m sorry, do you mind? I don’t have time for this mindless chatter with you today,” Scott said.
I was definitely taken aback by what he said, but surprisingly more hurt than mad. I got up and walked out without saying anything. Later in the day he texted me, “Did you respond to the email about the marketing photography?”
I told him that I did and he said, “The Reply All feature is there for a reason. Use it so I don’t have to chase you.”
Obviously Scott is not impressed with me in my new position thus far so I told myself that I just needed to try a little harder.
That night, my dad flew in town for a quick meeting Tuesday morning so we met for dinner. I totally expected him to ask about Brady and wonder where he was, but he didn’t. He wanted to know all about my new job.
“If you’re in over your head, you tell him, baby doll. He’s there to support you and make your transition easier, not embarrass you,” my dad said. I’d touched a little bit on how Scott has been talking to me lately.
“I’m not in over my head. I can handle it. I just think he’s mean,” I said.
“I don’t want anyone being mean to you. If I need to go talk some sense into him, you let me know,” my dad said.
I laughed. “There’s no need for that. You know I can handle myself. How’s Mom?”
So my parents are even more screwed up than me and Brady. My mom needed some financial help and my dad helped her out, but has been kind of holding it over her head for a while. But he would never directly ask her to pay him back and just complained to both sets of grandparents about it. It’s not like he even needs it that bad, he just likes to have something to hold over her I think. They still always have dinner together at either one of their houses or they’ll go out on the town for date night. And my dad will always pay plus he randomly buys her expensive jewelry and gifts. He even helped her get a new car. But then complains about Mom owing him money. It’s so dumb.
“Oh, she’s fine. More than fine. Now that she has a new toy to cruise around the city in,” my dad said. “She’s thinking she needs to head back to work. And that’s probably not a bad idea.”
“Really? Does she even know how to work anymore?” I asked.
My dad laughed. “She’d better figure it out. She still owes-”
I cut him off. “But she’s your wife so…”
He took a sip of his wine and then we changed the subject. We finished up dinner and I decided I’d walk my dad back to his hotel. And of course I cried when we had to say goodbye. I guess I’m just lonely because I haven’t seen my dad since last year and I don’t have much of a boyfriend anymore.
When I checked my phone, I had literally ten emails from Scott and two text messages.
“Can you respond to my emails?”
“Are you available? This is time sensitive.”
I replied, “Sorry, I just had dinner with my dad. He’s in town.”
“Not sure what that has to do with your work. You know it’s an important week for us and I do need your help. Thanks,” Scott said.
See how mean? On Tuesday, we had a bunch of meet and greets. Six of us went and Scott kept coming up to me to ask my opinion on things and just to talk to me and it’s like, don’t try to be my friend now after being mean to me. The six of us ended up going to dinner together and Scott made sure to sit right next to me.
“How do you think today went?” he asked.
And “today” was just like any other day and any other meetings. He just wanted to talk to me.
“Okay,” I replied.
“Are you feeling okay about everything? Your position and how things are going?” he continued.
Of course Scott would ask me a question like that when I wasn’t in a place I could be honest.
“Not entirely, but I’ll figure it out. Don’t worry,” I responded.
“Good. We can talk about it more at another time if you’d like. I do appreciate having you. I know I don’t tell you nearly enough.”
I just looked at him like, “Dude, are you serious?”
And he continued talking.
“Is your dad in town long?”
“No. Just one day,” I said.
“You’re quite lucky you got to have dinner with him then. I haven’t seen my parents in six years.”
I just looked at him. Six years is a long time not to see your family.
“But at least you have your wife,” I said.
Scott gave me a look. “You know how I feel about that.”
Later on, I checked my phone and saw that Brady had texted me. He sent me a picture of a work binder I’d left over that I use for some of my clients.
“Do you want me to do anything with this?” he asked.
It’s like he was kicking me out. I replied, “Can’t you just give it to me?”
He said, “Of course. I didn’t know if it was really important or you needed it now.”
To me, it kind of felt like he was putting the ball in my court to invite myself over. And I was willing to do that. So I said, “I’ll come get it tonight.”
After that I was ready for dinner to wrap up. But everyone kept talking and telling stories that didn’t need to be told. When it was finally time to go, Scott said, “Do you want to just share an Uber home?”
We live close enough to each other that Ubering together could make sense.
“I’m actually going to Brady’s house,” I told him.
His eyebrows shot up. “Oh really?”
I nodded. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”
When I got to Brady’s, he was so excited to see me. During our little time apart, it’s not like we were mean to each other or mad at each other. We still texted and talked regularly, just made no attempt to see each other and like I said, it felt deliberate. So it seemed weird that he was so excited to see me as if he couldn’t see me if he just asked.
“I feel like I haven’t seen you in forever. It’s been like, what, two weeks?” he said.
“Two and a half weeks,” I corrected him. “Where have you been?”
“Where have you been?” he shot back at me.
“I’ve been around. You’re the one who hasn’t asked to hang out with me.”
Brady looked at me like he was so surprised at this conversation. “You haven’t asked to hang out with me either, Reese.” He almost like laughed. “You said you were swamped at work and needed to focus more. I thought that meant you’d let me know when you were available to see me.”
And it’s true – I did tell that to Brady, but what I meant was that I was swamped at work and needed to focus more – and nothing else.
“Why did you assume that meant anything other than what I said?” I couldn’t help asking.
“I don’t know.” He seemed at a loss for a words for a minute. And then, “I don’t understand why I’m getting blamed for doing the same thing you did.”
“I want you to like me as much as I like you. I just told you that,” I said. “You not trying to see me at all in two weeks tells me that you don’t want to see me. And that hurts.”
“Reese, I do want to see you. I can’t believe you’re even saying this.” Brady reached out to grab my waist, but I didn’t want to give in that easily.
“You’re terrible at showing it. It seems like you want to see Sydney more than me.”
He had the nerve to roll his eyes at me so I took that opportunity to walk away to the dining room to get my binder. I turned to leave and Brady was following me.
“Seriously?” he wanted to know. “Why are you doing this?”
“Admit it, you’re mad about the charity thing,” I said.
“I mean, yeah I was disappointed, but it’s fine. It isn’t a big deal.”
“And that’s why you avoided me,” I went on.
When Brady didn’t say anything for half a second, I said, “I thought so. Just call me when you’re ready.”
And I guess it’s a bit of a cop out, but I wanted to put the ball back in his court. I want him to flat out say, “I want to see you,” especially after what I told him.
But so far he hasn’t. Well, he did text me a picture of Tucker looking adorable on the couch with the caption, “Tucker misses mama.” But that’s not enough.
Anyway, I have to get going. Love y’all!
21 thoughts on “call me when you’re ready.”
I thought you were going to tell us about this whole “I have fallen in love with someone else”?
OK, you want him to make the effort, right? He is! Brady is trying. It may not be in a way you want him to, but he is. “Tucker misses mama.” That is a total “Can you please be here?” Be there!
Wow Scott is being a total ass. He is supposed to help you in this new position and help build your confidence. But then at that dinner he seemed back to himself again? I’d say he’s having major home problems and is just bringing the misery to work and taking it out on someone he knows can’t retaliate.
Brady….I feel like you guys waste so much time playing these games. You need to go all in or all out. How many years of your life do you want to do this back and forth
WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER GUY?!?!
Sorry, I mean, what ever happened with the other guy you said you might be in love with? 😝
I think that Brady is trying to make an effort, but he just isn’t sure how to give you what you want. It’s like he has a relationship disability and needs a seeing eye dog to guide him through it (maybe Tucker could be trained to help haha!).
I don’t blame you for lacking patience with him, but it might be one of those things where you either accept the person’s flaw and try to adapt to it or you move on. I think that one thing that might help is if you try to be really direct in the moment instead of hoping Brady will just figure it out. I gotta tell you, if he doesn’t get it after three years with you, he’s not getting it! If you want something or are feeling something, you’re going to have to be straight with him and just say, “I would like to see you,” or, “I feel like you have been avoiding me and that seeing me isn’t important to you.”
Also, consider the home he grew up in. Do you think that is a place where people were voicing their needs and having them met? He has no model of what that kind of dialogue should look like, and copes with uncertainty by closing in on himself and doing nothing. (I mean it could be worse, at least he doesn’t do what Hunter does when he’s not getting his needs met – screw anything that moves!)
Yes! Reese definitely needs to quit with the subtlety and beating around the bush. Just be upfront. Otherwise, she’s going to continue to be disappointed when he doesn’t catch on to her clues. Honestly, that’s just setting Brady up for failure; and I am not one to stand up for him. I think he is lazy in this relationship and is only an active participant when Reese messes up and he gets to be upset. He doesn’t put more into this than he has to, unless it comes to anger and blame.
I think a lot of people give him too much leeway and make excuses for him, which I find to be ridiculous. Reese, are you willing to settle for this life FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE? As Alli pointed out, if he hasn’t caught on in 3 years, he isn’t going to. YOU have to decide the kind of man you want in your life; is it someone that is always on the back burner, never making any decisions except to be mad at you? Or someone that is an active participant that makes plans with you, actually plans stuff for you guys, and QUITS whatever is happening with the women at his work. I don’t think he is cheating, but I do think he is trying to make you jealous. At which point he can get mad at you when you get all crazy pants.
If your former boss and current boss are being mean to you then it seems like a pattern of behavior that seems to follow you. Since you are the common denominator maybe you are not being perceived as being serious or committed enough. Try to be more professional. Don’t get offended when your boss is too busy to entertain mindless convo about your weekend or get snippy with him because your hurt. Be more serious during working hours. If this senior role has tighter deadlines and requires you to respond to emails after work then make sure you do. I have a similar position in a different field and I check my
Messages and respond even on vacation or weekends.
I think you need to stop playing games with Brady. Yo said there was another guy but no mention of him here. If there is someone else then it’s quite hypocritical of you to throw his non relationship with Sydney in his face. Move on and stop playing Brady.
totally. I’m going to try harder, like I said before. I think it’s absurd to blame their super rude behavior on me though.
I think it was very mature of you to walk out when you did. Brady wants you to chase him but he never really seems to do anything to show you he loves you or desires you (in a non-sexual way), or desires to spend quality time, you’re always inviting yourself over and asking him to do things practically chasing him. and when you make the effort to be more open with him instead of passive aggressive when theres an issue he shrugs you off and rolls his eyes and give you a response thats the equivalent of patting a child on the head. Like ‘there-there, one day you’ll be on my level”. He can damn well use his words if he misses you instead of using Tuck and trying to lure you into being the one to use big girl words (yet again) while he gets to feel like some desired piece of meat because you’re ‘chasing’ him anytime he offers up a tiny morsel of a “peace offering” or his body.
Im just unimpressed with him. Regardless of his upbringing he needs to put an effort in. At some point you move from being a victim to a volunteer. He’s a volunteer to keeping the behaviours learned in his upbringing instead of being someone who used to be a victim but now victor as he works hard at reversing what he’s learned.
And you, Reese, are moving from victim to volunteer in this relationship too by allowing him to put the emotional load of the relationship on you to do all the heavy lifting. Its not what you want right- but you just deal because you want him. You ought to both be sharing the load and doing the work emotionally to build your friendship in this relationship but you guys are stagnant and not advancing at all because he’s putting it on you but at the same time not allowing you to carry him forward either KWIM? You can’t keep complaining about his actions or lack thereof but also not enact any consequences to his shitty behaviour. (IE: You say your spider senses are tingling that Sydney wants more than a friendship so he should enact some boundaries with her like no calls between certain hours and transparency with you as a way to respect your guys’ relationship.Then when he doesnt and allows her to stomp on your relationship and disrespect your place in his life, you need to put him in a ‘timeout’, saying something along the lines of, I had a personal boundary and you crossed it, its broken my trust and i need space from you while i evaluate how i want our relationship to look going forward, ill contact you when I’m ready to have a discussion about how we can move forward’ then you take space from him until you’re not hotheaded and no longer want to go bon-qui-qui on someone at the sound of sydneys name, prepare your thoughts in advance of the convo once you’re calmed down – write them down if you need to and have a mature calm convo and don’t let him rugsweep.) I don’t think he’s as invested as you in the relationship though tbh so all that advice might be moot.
Some resources for you: Boundaries by Cloud Townsend, Codependent no more (forgot author) + DWIL or AITF on babycenter.com. It’ll help you shine your spine.
Also you need boundaries with Scott. You’ve moved up – got the position, now is the time to nix any personal talk with him. Keep it all business. He’s being an asshole with you and right now he can say you’re unprofessional we need to remove her etc. But if you put in the work, show not just him but everyone else how professional you can be by keeping personal topics out of work from now on he will have nothing to say. He’s a fuckboy, stop pandering to him. Be professional and there will be no pandering necessary your job will speak for itself.
Also, you need to clarify with him about emails and texts when you’re off the clock. Theres no way in hell id ever answer my phone off the job unless it was literally life/death which is never, otherwise don’t call me, send me an email to fill me in on the problem and then ill check it in the morning when I’m actually at work and can solve it.
If he insists you’re always on the clock, Maybe compromise with one time of the day after work during the week barring friday and saturday that you’ll check your emails while off the clock and reply to the urgent ones asap, the others will be dealt with when you’re actually in the office with all resources at your fingertips.
*SIDENOTE: No need to tell him what you were doing on your personal time when he gets upset with you over something. Its a control tactic he’s using so that he can use your personal life against you at work.
This was an insightful and wonderful response. I agree with this 100%
I tend to side with the people telling you to move on, but after 3 years with someone’s it’s so hard to walk away. In some ways it’s easier if they do something awful or cheat.
I do think it would be good for you to make a clean break, spend some time with your friends that are good influences, and focus on work and yourself. You’re still young and having some time to get over Brady, focus on yourself and ultimately decide what you want and need from a relationship before setting out to find it.
I definitely get how hard that will be and how easy it would be to just go back with him or try to be friends with him, but trust me, in the long run you’ll be happier.
why would it be good to make a clean break?
I agree! As someone who was in a 7 year relationship, 3 of them being super on and off and wishy washy, I can say a clean break is best. It’s because it very rarely ever just gets and stays better from here. It sounds like you guys are stuck in such a weird rut of a place. Do you think one day it’ll just get better and stay that way?
In my situation, we kept getting back together because we missed and loved each other. But after making a clean break, we were able to move on. I’m now in an amazing relationship with someone much better for me. I genuinely hope the same for you.
that isn’t what I want to do
Then it sounds like you guys both need to make big changes because you’ve been stuck in this place for what seems like years now. It’s not going to change and fix itself but neither of you seem willing to change your behaviours.
I agree completely!
Scott is totally sending you mixed messages and you need to have it out with him about that. I don’t doubt you are smart enough to do the job, but to say you are doing well , but then be so hypercritical about minutiae is setting you up to fail. This is a new job and Scott needs to mentor you – that is HIS job and he’s not doing it. I think you need to take the bull by the horns and sit down with him about it. Not casually, either. Request an appointment with him by email (paper trail) for uninterrupted time and ask him EXACTLY what he expects of you. Bring him his behavioral inconsistencies as a list and be clear that you are confused by the things he is telling you because he is being so indirect and that you need more guidance, clearer communication of his expectations and less criticism. He is indicating by his actions as that your work relationship has changed and he needs to outline his game plan for your job development in the form of a concrete plan of action. He owes you this.
As for Brady, he is the Passive Aggressive King. It’s been apparent literally for years that he operates via indirect messages. “Tucker misses his mama” is Brady-speak for “I miss you”. As for inviting Sydney, he did it to make you nuts. It keeps you off balance, pushes your buttons and it works to knock you off your pins every single time. (Understandably – it’s a crappy thing for him to do, and I think you are right to be irritated.) I doubt there is anything going on with Sydney; she is an easy person to use to piss you off. Brady has shown that this is who he is and how he operates, so I see your choices are to accept him and try to learn to blow off his childish behavior or walk away. Unfortunately, being an adult chronologically and behaving like one emotionally are not mutually exclusive. I know you love your parents, but their relationship is eyeroll inducingly passive aggressive as well. Look at Scott and his wife as well – same thing. Or Zach and his games. Or Carly tinder dating while planning her wedding. It’s depressingly common behavior. You can control your own behavior and how you react to others. Be self aware, avoid being passive aggressive yourself, set your boundaries with Brady, be clear with him what they are, and stick with those boundaries by doing exactly what you say you will do.
Hang in there with the promotion – I know you’ve got what it takes.
love this comment. ❤ thank you
I agree that Scott is rude and mean. I doubt he treated Monica like this and its not fair. I do think you should have a meeting with him because it seems like he has high expectations. If you are off he should not expect you to respond to emails or work texts. As for Brady I think he is playing games. Actions speak louder than words and he hasn’t shown or acted like missed you. His communication skills are the worst. He needs to get it together before someone else steals you away.
Ya Scott is being a complete asshole. If being in this different role meant a different relationship between you guys (more serious/less talking about weekends etc) he should have said that. It’s like he gets all butthurt that you still hang out with Brady even though he’s married and takes it out on you in a really unprofessional way. The replying all to embarrass you is so unnecessary! As for Brady, I really agree with a another commenter about considering the house he grew up in. I never even thought of that until she mentioned it but I think it’s really important. No, it doesn’t excuse every flaw but no one is perfect and I do think it has something to do with how he communicates poorly and maybe not as “warm” as you’d like.
Hope to hear about that other guy soon!!