did i break his heart?

The same night I broke up with Brendan, I had a really inappropriate dream about him. In it, I was pregnant, but it was Brendan’s and we were in love and having a ton of amazing sex and there was his penis. I vividly remember touching it and the way it felt in my dream. It was pretty graphic. I woke up feeling super guilty. I always have the most inappropriate dreams about people I should not be dreaming about (usually Hunter – more on him later).

The next day, we had a meeting where Mike and Brendan were presenting and I just got to sit there taking notes, thank God. Brendan was already in the filled room when I arrived so he didn’t come over to say hi or even make eye contact with me. I kind of felt bad because he seemed kind of sad during the whole thing and kept looking down at the floor. Did I break his heart? Or was I thinking too highly of my influence? He didn’t come over and talk to me after the meeting and he didn’t stop by to say goodbye before he left.

Okay. This was what I asked for. I spent the day actually working, ordered fried chicken for lunch and left early so I could stop and pick up dinner for my man. The following day though, Brendan texted me. We hadn’t talked at all since I dumped him, but I’d been waiting for him to reach out.

“I’ve been thinking and everything you said is absolutely correct. We probably shouldn’t hang out anymore. We still have work together, but I’ll try to transfer as much of it to Thomas as I can. I’m sorry if I made things weird between us. I didn’t realize it until you mentioned it,” he said.

Wait. No. I backtracked.

“I don’t think we have to stop hanging out completely – just not as much. Like you said, we still have to work together and it isn’t fair to make Thomas do everything just to avoid me. Can we have lunch together tomorrow?”

“Okay,” Brendan said.

All of the drama with Brendan made me extra horny so when Brady got home from work, I made him sit down on the couch so I could undress him.

“Ohh, okayyyy,” he mumbled, liking where was going.

I rode him for a little while before he (gently – I’m carrying a child) flipped me onto my tummy and we finished in that position. I’m not really showing that much, I kind of just look how I look after I’ve eaten a whole Chipotle burrito. Which I do frequently so it makes sense.

Afterwards, Brady got dressed again and sat back on the couch. “I was doing some thinking and I think we should get married.”

“Excuse me?” I said back, halting my search for my bra.

“It’s the smartest thing to do given our situation. My health insurance is very good and I think you should be on it to have the baby and I think the baby should be on as well. For tax purposes, it makes more sense for us to be able to file together. And…my parents will take the news a lot better if we are married,” he explained, like it was a business deal.

“I see what you mean, but I’m not getting married for your parents’ benefit. And never once did you say, ‘because I want to marry you,’ and really, that should be the only reason – not because of the government.” I gave up looking for my bra and threw my top back on. No ring, no romance. Really, it was just a suggestion and I didn’t like that.

Brady nodded. “You’re right.” And then he walked off and didn’t mention it again.

For some reason, I was super excited for my lunch with Brendan the next day. I guess I kind of missed him as I was used to seeing him everyday. And after Brady’s perfunctory proposal, I needed a pick me up.

At 12:30, Mike and Brendan walked past my open office door and I watched Brendan laugh lightly at something Mike said. My heart melted into a puddle. Only he could get along and joke with Mike like that.

“Hey,” Brendan said, joining me in my office. He wore slacks and a button down tucked in, with two buttons opened at the top.

“Hiiii,” I said, sweetly. “I’m almost ready.”

I quickly sent an email back to Connie, who was hassling me again, while Brendan pulled out his phone. Normally he would have been chatting my ear off, but things were still off.

Once I was ready, we headed down in the elevator and walked the two blocks to a café with a huge menu because I was craving everything. Brendan told me about work, complaining about Thomas’ lack of focus and some of the projects he was wrapping up. We quickly fell back into our normal rhythm – joking, rolling our eyes about people we don’t like, ordering a bunch of stuff all together so we could share. This was more like it.

“Lydia [the girl I hate, Connie’s boss] did something similar yesterday. She sent an email saying that my team was late on delivering something when it had already been communicating that the deadline had been changed. She copied Mike and you and literally everyone in your company,” Brendan explained.

“Oh, I saw that! And then when you corrected her, she said, ‘This conversation is no longer productive so I’m removing myself from the chain,” I said. “What a bitch!”

“Removing herself from the chain because she was wrong,” he said laughing. “Mike and I just made fun of her.”

“Those two are the worst. Literally so miserable. I see where Connie gets it.”

After what felt like a back-to-normal lunch and Brendan was waiting for the waitress to bring his card back, I leaned over and grabbed his wrist, the one he always wore a thin gold link bracelet on.

“This was so fun. Should we do it again tomorrow?” I asked as casually as possible, batting my eyelashes at him.

Brendan pulled his arm away slowly and then with more conviction. “Reese, what the fuck?”

I was startled, and withdrew my hand.

“You said you didn’t want to hang out anymore. Why did you say that if you didn’t mean it?” he demanded.

“I said we shouldn’t hang out as much. We can still hang out as friends though. As long as we both know we are just friends,” I clarified.

“Do we both know that? I kinda feel like you’re sending me mixed signals here. One minute you’re all over me and the next you’re saying you love your boyfriend.”

My heart sped up and I felt like I might vomit. Did he actually think I was “all over” him? I thought about how I’d so comfortably grabbed his wrist and other times when I’d link my arm with his while walking or reach over and help myself to his plate or grab his shoulders/neck to emphasize a point.

“And the next minute you’re suddenly married with a wife you don’t ever talk about. Funny how you don’t mention being married until I bring up my boyfriend.”

Brendan stood up, pulling out his wallet to return his credit card. “I’m gonna head back to work.”

I haven’t seen or heard from Brendan since. A few days later, Kristina and I walked to get smoothies for lunch.

“What happened with Brendan? Thomas said he said you’re driving him crazy,” she said on our walk over.

“He’s driving me crazy!” I exclaimed, but refused to tell Kristina what happened.

Hunter will be visiting next month – for two weeks. And he’s staying with us.

“Are you sure he should stay with us? Two weeks is a long time. I’m sure a hotel isn’t out of his budget,” I said when Brady told me.

“I’m not going to make my brother stay in a hotel, Reese. And that’s rude,” Brady replied.

We don’t even have a guest bedroom for the guy to sleep in so he will just be…there. So I have that to look forward to.

Lastly, I caught Brady looking for places to buy. I didn’t get a good look, but what I saw was a open floor plan kitchen and living area, big windows and “$1,099,999” at the top. I don’t know who can afford that, but I haven’t gotten the courage to ask him about it since I’m trying not to be a snooping girlfriend anymore.


21 thoughts on “did i break his heart?

  1. Krista says:

    You are sending him mixed signals and he is right. What exactly do you want from Brendan? He conceded that you were right and was giving you what you asked for. Then you did a 180. I think it was bitchy of you to even mention his wife. He is trying to respect your boundaries and then you go there. Not cool.

  2. P says:

    I agree you’re sending mix signals, but moving on to more important things. Marriage talk with Brady. You two don’t always communicate/share your feelings very effectively, and I feel like this was a big moment. Just curious, does Brady fully understand your feelings on the subject? Because its clear from reading your posts you really love him, and if he asked you to get married because he really loves you (despite the financial benefits), it seems like nothing would make you happier, but I’m not sure Brady fully understands this. Sometimes it seem like he doesn’t know how much you love him- or just needs reassurance that you love him.

    • Sarah Gwen says:

      This, Reese!!
      He loves you!! He’s also just a super practical idiot who barely knows how to find his own emotions (I’m just projecting here) but seriously, practicality is def his strong point, emotional conversations not so much. But you are also a little tough cookie who barely shares how you really feel which is that you’re super effing in love with him and are so excited to marry him and have his baby and all that. I would recommend making that exceedingly clear to him because he is kind of emotionally dense in his focus on being stable and hardworking.

      Also love you so much for sharing your life and think you’re such an amazing person and I’ve been here with you from the beginning too and barely ever comment so thanks!!

      • I don’t really know what else I can do. I am literally obsessed with him and my life revolves around him and making sure he is happy and okay. thank you for reading! ♥️

    • if Brady doesn’t understand, it’s because he doesn’t listen. before I got pregnant I talked about marriage and our wedding and future all the time. I’ve never been shy about that. Brady has been wishy washy on the subject which is why it’s so insulting that this is how he is approaching it now.

      • Sarah Gwen says:

        This makes total sense, I think it’s just gonna take him a bit of time to fully absorb all his emotions around baby and marriage and everything and then you’ll get the proposal you want. *fingers crossed* for these dudes who sometimes don’t understand their emotions at all!

  3. Lindsey says:

    There are 2 quizzes I just had everyone in my family take. They helped SO much in our understanding of one another, and I was shocked at some of the results. One is from a Christian website; it talks about how we are born with the instinct to “feel,” “think,” or “do.”
    The other is popular right now- the enneagram which gives you a #. I am happy to share the links.

    I think you are a feeler and Brady is a thinker/doer. Not to sound stereotypical since my husband is a Feeler, but the thinker/doer is pretty typical for a man.

    Brady will be the best husband and father- loyal, present, consistent, committed. He may not be the most romantic guy in the world, but he does the best he knows how.

  4. Jilly says:

    Reese, you are definitely sending mixed signals. My husband and I have a rule we don’t even hang out with guys or girls alone, let alone let them pay for our food and touching him at all should be a no. I would keep everything at work with Brendan, talk to him like normal there, but keep the outings and physical contact out of it. You’re backtracking and if Brady was hanging out with a girl like this and she was eating his food, touching his arm, hooking arms with him while they walked, and letting him pay; you would murder him, rightly. Don’t rock the boat, y’all are in such a good place!

      • S. says:

        I think a “rule” about not being able to go on outings alone with someone of the opposite sex is going too far. Where is the trust? Friends, whatever gender they are, are great! Just set boundaries for yourself that you would expect Brady to stick to as well and do your best do follow them. If he is truly your friend, then it shouldn’t be a problem keeping it platonic.

      • I agree, I don’t want to set weird boundaries. especially because Brady clearly has female friends at work (helllo, Sydney??) and it’s fine

      • Jilly says:

        It’s not so much a rule as a boundaries thing, just what works for us, but totally get it’s not for everyone! We each have our guy and girl friends and we hang out with people just in group settings more, keeps any confusion away! Sorry if that came off as too much!

    • Lindsey Lanoue says:

      I get it. My marriage led to divorce because work friends became lunch friends who ate alone and shared intimate details and what do ya know?

      My 2nd husband and I have been married for 12 years, and I immediately requested that boundary. He agreed. It works for us.

      • Lindsey Lanoue says:

        Thank you! Everything worked out the way it should be, and we are all better for it.

        It’s a good conversation starter for you & Brady to have. Would you feel comfortable with him going to lunch alone with another woman? If not, you can ask him what he thinks?

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