I should explain myself. It might be because I’m on the pill, but my sex drive is all over the place. Usually I feel fine, but some days I’m like, “Ew don’t touch me, don’t even look in my direction, I’m not in the least bit interested in you or your body.” And other days, I just want to fuck. I don’t even care who with. Mike? Take off all your clothes and lay down. Or I’ll pass a random man on the street who smells nice and then I’ll become ravenous. It really just depends on the day. So…that might explain the ending of my last post.

After their wedding, Miguel and Jasmine went on a month-long Eurotrip for their honeymoon so Brendan decided to go back to work full time to run his company. Gigi was supposed to cover while Miguel was out, but…you know Gigi. It was time for Brendan to go back to work anyway, if you ask me. The timing was actually perfect though because it was right when I got my silly little promotion so we both had full, busy schedules. Even though I’m doing the same thing I’ve been doing, with my name officially attached to it, I wanted to make sure I was giving 100% effort and doing everything correctly.

We went back to our old school, 2+ hour “working” lunches, like we’d always do when we had no business spending that much time together. But we actually really did have stuff to work on together and sites we both needed our eyes on. And honestly the extra time was necessary because just as I predicted, our schedules fell out of sync. Brendan was traveling a lot for work and for fun and I was working later and being a dance mom and I also lost my batshit crazy babysitter because she found a sugar daddy. So I was going to take any extra time with him I could get.

I was so fucking ready for Thanksgiving break. Everything had felt kind of chaotic after the wedding because I couldn’t get into a routine. To my utter shock, Brady had already discussed holiday plans with me and suggested that he spend Thanksgiving with Winnie so that way I could spend her birthday and Christmas with her. Opposite of last year. I was like, wow that seems more than fair, what’s the catch? You know Brady likes to make things difficult simply because he can. And Thanksgiving means nothing to me so I was just fine with this arrangement.

Winnie was out of school beginning on Wednesday so I would be dropping her off with Brady bright and early that morning. They were going to visit “family” he’d told me — whatever that means! He doesn’t have any family! It blows my mind how much of a stranger Brady has become. I know it’s because of cheater-gate and my role in it, but we just never really recovered after that. Don’t get me wrong, it’s been a very long time since we’ve been anything beyond co-parenting acquaintances, but at this point I was talking to Caroline more than I was talking to him. Mainly because she’d been messaging about Winnie’s room ever since I complained about it the day I saw it. At least someone cared since her father clearly didn’t! Since I had finally had a little bit of time, I dropped Winnie off on Wednesday morning with a borrowed drill in tow so I could finally make some progress. The Tiffany blue was going to have to stay since I didn’t have the time or energy to have it painted, but I was at least going to hang her canopy, shelves and artwork up. Caroline came and attempted to help (aka she just sat there talking my ear off while I did everything), and Brady hung out with Winnie and ignored everything I was doing.

That evening, Brendan’s parents were having a big Friendsgiving party at their house. I thought: perfect, I can go to Friendsgiving and drink and socialize and then spend Thanksgiving alone catching up on my shows and fasting since I knew Brendan would want to spend the actual holiday with his family. And as much as I love him, I was looking forward to some much needed me-time.

Brendan’s parents have a lot of parties and at first this one seemed to be the same as they always are. Themed and decorated accordingly, catered with enough food to feed at least ¾ of Manhattan, magnum bottles of the best wine in the world (I didn’t even understand the concept of a wine snob until I started spending time with Brendan and his family and now I think I am one too) and all the usual suspects as guests.

I really like Margot’s friend/neighbor, Erika. She’s a few years older than me, but is married to this very rich, much older businessman. She has a really eclectic, but chic style and is always dressed head to toe in rare designer pieces that I mentally catalog and Google later to gag at the price tag. On this particular evening, she was wearing a floor length shearling coat with a gauzy dress underneath (obsessed with the texture play) and a Bulgari Serpenti necklace. I get the feeling that Margot doesn’t really like her that much or understand her because Erika is so different from the rest of their friend group. Erika is originally from Miami and frequently posts bikini pictures and ass pictures on her Instagram stories. I’ve overheard Margot and her friends saying things like, “Did you see what Erika posted this morning?” And then they all make faces. I’m sure it doesn’t help that Erika looks like Anitta (but somehow prettier????) and despite having a set of twins, has a body that all of us could only dream of.

So anyway, I was sitting on the couch chatting with Erika after doing my rounds and socializing with everyone. I don’t know if this happens with age, but my social battery drains really fast these days. Like, if I’m not interested in talking to you, it’s hard for me to pretend. Or maybe it stems from talking to other parents who love to compare their children and their milestones. Obviously I believe Winnie is a genius and perfect and the standard for excellence, but I don’t want people telling me how much better their kid is at everything.

Brendan came over to bring me another glass of wine (and provided the tasting notes) and sat on the arm of the couch chatting with us for a little bit. When he got up and walked away, Erika said, “Do you ever look at him and think, ‘I could just kill you right now?’”

“Yes, all the time,” I replied.

I think another reason Margot and her friends don’t really like Erika is because she says off the wall shit like that with no preamble or context and if you get it then you get it and if you don’t, you think she’s a freak. I don’t actually think of murdering Brendan because what would I do without him, but I knew what she meant. I frequently see him and get the urge to punch him in the face. It’s called cuteness aggression and I get the same feeling when I see puppy videos.

“The other night I put my hand around my husband’s neck during sex prepared to squeeze the life out of him,” she said.

“Oh my god,” I said and we both laughed even though it sounded like the climax of a very juicy episode of a true crime podcast.

A little while later, we were still sitting there, but Brendan’s crazy uncle had joined us. I think the uncle is super amused by me and always gravitates to me during parties because I will bitch and complain with him about everything and everyone. He’s a big shit talker like me.

I heard a bit of commotion behind me and turned around to see Danielle (Brendan’s sister) walking in the room with Reagan (Brendan’s ex-wife). Everyone in the general vicinity seemed really surprised, but happy to see them. I watched as Brendan hugged his sister and then turned to Reagan. She put her hand on his shoulder and gave him one of those rich people air cheek kisses and then they hugged. I was like: 

I’ve only seen Brendan’s ex-wife in person a couple of times and the last time I saw them together they didn’t even look at each other, let alone hug. I was very curious to know what had happened between then and now and had she finally given Brendan the engagement ring back? And do you remember the time I got disinvited to a wedding (at Margot’s request) because she was going to be there? And now here she was at Friendsgiving. This particular party did seem slightly bigger than the usual, but still. This seemed like such an escalation.

I turned back around and pretended I wasn’t trying to overhear what was going on behind me.

“So yeah, fuck that,” Erika was saying. She had been telling a story about getting kicked out of a hotel pool.

“Ha!” the uncle exclaimed.

Behind me, I heard them all laughing.

“I’m always thrown out when I’m the least drunk I’ve ever been,” the uncle said.

“Well, I was shitfaced, to be fair,” Erika said.

I glanced over my shoulder and saw that Brendan was still standing there chatting with Danielle and Reagan and Margot had joined them and was pouring wine into their glasses.

“Be right back,” I said, standing up. I had to see what was going on. Wouldn’t you? Plus I didn’t want to seem like I was being petty by not saying hello. We could all exist in this space together as far as I was concerned even if it went against everything I’d been led to believe up until that point.

I joined their little huddle and Margot said, “Need a refill?” in her super sweet hostessy kind of way.

“Sure,” I said back.

“It would be rude not to and I would personally take offense,” she laughed.

“Is this one of the bottles you brought back from Portugal? It’s actually so good,” Danielle said.

“Isn’t it? Jamie and I were so impressed by Douro…”

Margot began to explain their trip and I felt Reagan’s Miley Cyrus blue eyes on me. She sure has an issue with staring, I’ve noticed in the few brief times I’ve been around her, which is really wild considering she has such huge striking eyes. She was wearing a blazer dress and had straightened her hair into absolute oblivion. From what I could tell she had recently gotten lip filler and I wondered if I needed to look into getting my own done.

We made eye contact and Reagan put her hand out to shake mine. “Hi, I’m Reagan.”

Oh. Was she pretending not to know me or did she genuinely not remember ever meeting me? Like I said, it’s only been a few times — maybe three or four — and each time we’ve encountered each other, it’s been super brief. But I truly find it hard to believe that she has no idea who I am, especially when she’s been living rent free in my head.

“I’m Reese. We’ve met before,” I said.

“Oh, oops. Sorry,” She giggled and Brendan and Danielle started awkwardly laughing too. “Good to see you then.”

Whatever.

“Anyway,” Margot said, mostly to Danielle and Reagan. “Please eat. There’s a bit of everything.”

“Yeah, let’s. I’ve been thinking about jalapeño cornbread all week,” Danielle said.

She and Reagan walked away and I heard Reagan say, “I’m not even hungry.”

Then why was she even here? Just to annoy me? It was Friendsgiving!

Margot walked away too. Brendan turned and gave me an awkward smile and aw-shucks shrug like he couldn’t help what just happened before grabbing my chin. “You good?”

“I’m fine, Brendan,” I said.

“I didn’t know she was coming. It’s okay though, right?” he said.

“I literally do not care,” I replied because I didn’t. “But I didn’t know you were friends again.”

“We’re not,” Brendan said.

“Oh. It sort of seems like it.”

“We’re not. I haven’t seen her in, I don’t know, months. We don’t talk and we are not friends.”

“Mmkay.” What else could I say? Brendan is not a liar and he doesn’t lie to me, but there had to be more to the story than this. But it wasn’t the time or place to discuss plus I was still trying to be on my best behavior after the wedding, you know?

Kendall, Brendan’s bestie from high school, was there with his parents so we went over and hung out with them for a while. Kendall’s dad used to play some sport professionally and he’s very handsome. Yes, I’m calling another man besides my boyfriend hot (someone messaged me about that once), but what can I say? Brendan has a lot of very good looking people in his life. It’s not like I want to fuck any of them.

I caught Reagan staring at me several times throughout the rest of the evening. Like, more than four times, but I lost count and it was really making me mad. Like, if you have an issue with me, just say that, don’t pretend you don’t know who I am and act all nice. And if she did have an issue, what was the reason? Isn’t she the one who filed for divorce because she was seeing other people? She didn’t even want Brendan when they were together!

Eventually Danielle came over to say, “We’re going out downtown.”

“Dancing?” Brendan said.

“Mmhm.” Danielle glanced at me like I should care.

Brendan said, “Have fun. We’re probably gonna get going soon too.”

And then they proceeded to continue their conversation for another ten minutes. Reagan came over and said nothing, but instead of staring at me she was now staring at Brendan. And after her staring at me all night (again) I was feeling kind of hostile and territorial.

“Mmkay, well I hope you all have fun dancing,” I said. By the way, I’m starting to lose my southern vernacular and I say “y’all” a lot less than I used to and it’s a little bit upsetting.

They all looked at me and Danielle gave me this eye roll/scoff like I was being ridiculous. She’s such a bitch to me and I am nothing but nice to her. 

We all said our goodbyes and Reagan and Danielle both hugged Brendan. And then Reagan gave me a waify little hug. And then because she felt obligated, Danielle hugged me too. I don’t think I’ve ever hugged Danielle so it was really weird. Despite all the staring and pretending not to know who I am, I thought Reagan was kind of harmless and seemed nice enough. We weren’t going to be besties nor did we need to be, but if Danielle insisted on bringing her around, I could be cool.

The next morning I got curious and logged into my Finsta so I could view Reagan’s Instagram story. She’d posted a grainy, pixelated quote that said something like, “There will always be someone prettier, younger, and smarter.”

And then her next story was a backseat selfie with the caption, “BUT AT LEAST SHE’S NOT!”

Oh? Did she mean me? Is that why she had been staring at me all night — to see if I was uglier and older than her? And how old was this bitch anyway? I always just assumed she and Brendan were the same age since they grew up together and he’s older than me (by 6 months). I’ll admit the selfie was quite flattering, considering she was clearly wearing her blazer dress with her flat hair and I’d seen her in person that night and she definitely didn’t look as good in person. So if she thought she was prettier than me, it didn’t really bother me that much or at least, not as much as it probably would have a few years ago. And smarter? Girl, get real!

Brendan spent the day trying to get me to come over to his parents’ house even though I told him I was having a me day. He didn’t understand my desire to be alone on a holiday and kept offering to come pick me up or send an Uber. I’m like, “Dude no, I’m watching Sutton have a meltdown!” And waiting with bated breath for your ex-wife to post about me again.

Perhaps I shouldn’t have sat alone with my thoughts for so long because by the evening, I was feeling kind of insecure and depressed. I’d missed Thanksgiving dinner, but Brendan suggested drinks at this tiny restaurant in between our apartments. I was like, “Fine, I guess I could actually shower and leave my home for once today.”

We sat down and Brendan wanted to talk about his family and what they’d done all day and how Danielle said she was out until 5am dancing and sorry if it was awkward with his ex at Friendsgiving, but he didn’t expect her to be there. I’m like, yeah no offense, but I don’t give a fuck about your family right now.

“If she hadn’t filed for divorce, were you going to?” I asked.

“Uh.” Brendan looked considerably uncomfy. “I didn’t plan to.”

“So you still wanted to be with her?” I clarified. “Like, you’d still be together if it was your choice?”

“No, the breakup and divorce was definitely the right decision,” he said.

“But if you weren’t planning on ever divorcing her then what did you expect to happen?” I asked.

Brendan stared at me blankly like that thought had literally never crossed his mind. Men are so fucking stupid.

“You know, to this day, Brady has never had a breakup conversation with me. He told everyone but me that our relationship was over.”

“Oh.”

“And now he has a new serious girlfriend who he lives with, but has never even bothered to discuss breaking up with me.”

“Oh, uh.” Brendan gave me a weird look, not following. “But didn’t you get into a new relationship before he did?”

“Yes! That’s why he did it! That’s my point, I was the one who had to do something first otherwise he was just going to continue pretending to be in a relationship that neither of us wanted to be in!” I exclaimed.

“Uh, okay….” he said. “So do you wish you were still with him?”

“No, not even a little bit! I just don’t understand why it’s so hard for guys to be honest and say the relationship is over,” I said.

“Okay,” Brendan said.

I wanted to add, “Especially when she’s been cheating on you.” But I knew better than to bring that up. I don’t think he fully got what I was saying, especially because I used me and Brady as an example. It wasn’t about us — it was about Brendan and Reagan! He said the end of their relationship was so bad and toxic that he was ready for it to be over for months — but had no plans to divorce her? Insanity!!