i feel like you’re judging me.

On Saturday morning when I woke up, I had an iMessage from Brady. It said, “Up for a run this morning?” 

It was from thirty minutes prior and while I did not particularly want to go for a run, I did want to see Brady. I replied, “Yes.”

“Should I come and get you? We can run by the lake.”

“Give me thirty minutes,” I told him. 

I jumped out of bed, showered and threw on lululemon shorts and a t-shirt from college. I hoped Brady didn’t want to run far because I was fucking tired and didn’t want to sweat my face off. 

Brady called exactly thirty minutes later and let me know that he was waiting outside my apartment. I grabbed my wallet in case he wanted to get breakfast afterward and met him downstairs.

“Morning,” he said when I got in the car. He drove us to the beach a little bit south of both of our apartments, away from the Lollapalooza and tourist craziness. 

We stretched and he told me we could do a short run (“only” two miles). I silently prayed before we began that I could pull this off like I did the 5K. I’m still recovering from that by the way. 

Prayer works. I managed to finish the run – alive and not completely drenched in sweat. I even managed to talk to Brady about the weeks we’d had at work. Afterwards, we walked a short “cool down” lap and Brady mentioned that there was a pizza place he wanted to try. At first he just kept talking about how he heard it was really good and they had a large beer selection and yada, yada, yada then finally he asked if I wanted to go with him later that evening.

I, of course, said yes and he said that he would reserve us a table and pick me up later.

I spent the majority of the day out shopping with Preston. We had paid off our credit cards so we were celebrating by maxing them out again. And also I needed something to wear for my pizza and beer date so he helped me. 

Brady texted me at 6:30 letting me know our table would be ready at 7:30. Luckily I had already showered and blow dried my hair because an hour is just not enough time to get ready. I’ll have to let him know for next time.

The place was packed, but Brady valeted his car so he didn’t have to find parking. Our table was right by the large open window that faced the street and we ordered a pizza with a ton of random toppings on it (I mean, sundried tomatoes? So unnecessary) and a pitcher of some craft beer the waitress recommended.

Brady asked what I did with my day and I told him about celebrating paying my credit card off.

“That seems a little counterproductive,” he said.

“I feel like you’re judging me.”

“No way. I’m offended that you think I would judge you.”

“I’m offended that you would call my day counterproductive.”

“My apologies. I’m sure you have a logical reason for your actions today.”

Was this our first fight?

“Thank you. I get cash rewards for spending a certain amount. How could I not participate in that?”

“You make a compelling argument, Reese. Cash rewards are certainly a lucrative incentive.”

I just wanted to shake him. Did he ever snap out of it? The night went on with us playfully bantering back and forth like that. Even though he talks like a college professor sometimes, we have the same sarcastic sense of humor. And, he knows how to have fun. After we finished our pizza and beer he ordered us tequila shots. It’s like he knows the way to my heart. After we left the pizza place he invited me back to his place. Chris was home (sans Carly who was nannying) and the three of us drank beer out on the patio. I felt like one of the guys. 

Eventually Chris went inside to bed, but Brady and I stayed outside. At around midnight or one am we were tired and slap happy and laughing at anything and everything.

“I’m tired,” Brady said, yawning. “Do you want to just stay here and I can take you home in the morning?” 

Oh my God. Immediately I thought of Kendra. She would definitely tell me not to do it – we had been drinking and things could happen. I wasn’t supposed to have sex with him. But he didn’t feel like taking me home. What was I supposed to do, walk? 

“Okay,” I said. 

We went inside to his room and he started pulling out extra blankets and sheets and a t-shirt for me to sleep in. I changed, got in his bed and started getting comfy.

“Well it appears that you’ve already claimed the bed. I’ll go sleep in the basement,” Brady said.

He tucked a blanket under his arm and reached for one of the pillows on the bed. I grabbed his arm. 

“You can stay here with me,” I told him as if it was actually my bed. 

He didn’t object. Instead, he changed into just shorts with no shirt, flipped off the light then climbed into bed with me. I noticed another small tattoo on his chest and made note to ask about it later. 

“I’m physically unable to sleep with a shirt on,” he explained. 

What about laying horizontally makes you lose inhibitions? That’s pillow talk, I guess.

“Brady, have you ever had a girlfriend?” I asked.

“Where did that come from?” 

“I’m just wondering.”

“Yeah, I’ve had one serious girlfriend.”

“What happened with her?” I wanted to know. The reason they broke up would give me a lot of insight into how Brady operates as a boyfriend.

He looked off past me for a moment and I almost felt bad for asking him. Was that too personal? I didn’t want to pry or anything, I was just curious.

“She accepted a job in New York City. We tried the long distance thing for a little while, but it wasn’t coducive to a satisfying relationship.”

“So if she was still here, do you think y’all would still be together?”

“Hard to say.” Brady paused. “We are two completely different people now. That was almost two years ago so our lives and circumstances have considerably changed.”

I immediately wondered what the girl is like. She is probably a doctor or rocket scientist or something I will never be smart enough to do. She probably owns a condo, has $100,000 in retirement already and has her finances on lock because she doesn’t spend money on designer shoes, handbags and clothing. She’s probably super low maintanence. The thought of Brady with another girl actually hurt.

“I imagine you’ve had a ton of boyfriends,” he said.

“Hey!” I said, poking his bare chest. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“That you could have any guy you want. You’re probably constantly fighting them off.” 

I considered this. I’ve never had trouble getting guys or anything, but I do have trouble with relationships. I think I expect too much. And I’m also very needy emotionally. At least that’s what I’ve been told.

“I’ve dated around,” I said. “But only one serious relationship, like you.”

“Yeah? What’s the story there?”

I didn’t even want to get into it. “It just didn’t work out. We wanted different things.”

Different things = I tried to turn a player into a relationship guy.

Somehow we started making out. I can’t remember who initiated it – I think it was mutual. Unlike last time, I was (mostly) sober and it felt right to be kissing him at that moment. It was almost innocent for some reason – I knew things weren’t going to go further and I was okay with that. Plus we were both really tired.

We pulled apart and laid there for a moment then I turned so that my back was to him and I was the little spoon.

“Your hair smells really good,” Brady said. And then he brushed it aside and planted a light kiss on my neck. Y’all know how I feel about my neck – it sent a sexy chill down my spine. Brady draped an arm around my waist and we immediately fell asleep. 

When I woke up, Brady was still sleeping but facing away from me. Something about waking up next to a guy makes me so turned on. I wanted to flip him over and do naughty things to him.

Instead, I found my phone and texted Kendra. “I slept with Brady last night.”

She responded, “Of course. I’m not even surprised. Are you capable of not immediately having sex with a guy?”

I knew she would react like this and I couldn’t help grinning at her predictableness.

“For your information, we slept in the same bed but we didn’t do anything sexual. We just kissed.”

“I don’t believe you have that kind of willpower.”

“It’s true. I want to have sex with him eventually of course, but I think waiting until it feels right is best. I don’t want to rush in to anything.”

“Is this Reese I’m talking to?”

“Yes it’s me!”

“You sound so mature. I’m actually proud of you.”

“Thank you. I just realized that I actually like this guy. I don’t want to ruin it like I always do.”

I couldn’t even believe what I was typing. Anyone who knows me knows that I’m not into romance or sappiness. I wear my heart on my sleeve, but I’m really guarded with my emotions. I don’t usually share how I really feel which has been detrimental to my past relationships.

I laid there for a little while longer, pinning food on Pinterest. I was pinning something about quinoa when I felt Brady beginning to stir and wake up. He turned on his back and stretched.

“Morning,” he said.

Just as I was about to respond, the door flew open and Chris shouted, “Hey jackass, do you want to-”

He saw me laying in the bed and his eyes widened. “Shit, sorry. I didn’t even know you were still here, Reese.” He backed out and closed the door.

“I guess he didn’t want anything,” Brady said.

I smiled and shrugged.

“Did you sleep okay?” he asked. 

“Yeah. Your bed is so comfy. I could stay here all day,” I said.

“You’re certainly welcome to. I like to stay in bed as long as humanly possible on Sundays.”

“Me too,” I said. 

We laid there for a while, just talking. Then we got hungry and decided to go to the kitchen to find food. I had worn a dress over and didn’t want to change so I just wore his oversized t-shirt down to the kitchen. We poured bowls of Honey Nut Cheerios and sat at the dining room table eating. We lounged around for the rest of the day, watching tv and generally just being lazy. Chris told us he was going to meet up with Carly and I quickly texted her that Brady and I didn’t have sex because I knew Chris would tell her that I spent the night.

Brady finally took me home at 6:30. I didn’t want to go because I was enjoying being lazy with him, but I was excited to shower and put on my own clothes. Before I got out of the car, Brady said, “Do you want to get dinner this week?”

“Sure,” I said.

“Okay. Monday or Tuesday will likely work best for me,” he said.

“I’m glad you’re squeezing me into your packed schedule.”

“I’m going to be cutting it close, but I’m certain it will be worth it.”

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19 thoughts on “i feel like you’re judging me.

  1. megg says:

    Oh yay!! Love that you found your own emotional power and peace by doing what felt natural and right in the moment! Also loved your insight on wearing your heart on your sleeve, but guarding your emotions. You’re so great about being completely open and honest on your blog, just use the same mindset when your talking to Brady. He’ll understand and will be caring if he’s the right guy for you 💚

  2. You guys are cute together!!! I think you help loosen him up a bit, which it seems like he kind of needs. I wish you wouldn’t sell yourself short though; you are very successful and have a lot to be proud of in terms of your accomplishments. He definitely knows you’re a catch and so should you! Don’t be intimidated by his seriousness.

  3. Lulu says:

    It’s just kinda hitting me but I love how much your “character” has grown. I don’t know if your writing style has changed or what, but I absolutely love reading your blog. And I’m super happy for you with Brady. You guys are adorable and make me forget how disappointingly single I am… haha

  4. Caroline says:

    Once I met a guy who reminds me a lot of Brady and the first night we met we also ‘slept’ together (same bed, but he was such a gentleman). Anyway, it’s super funny because he said the same thing about not being able to wear a shirt! He said it twists too much and wakes him up :-p

    He’s a banker from PA, not a pharmacist from Chicago. Otherwise I’d be convinced they were the same person, haha

    Cranberryvodka9.blogspot.com

  5. Ann says:

    I freakin love this blog. I devoured the whole thing and can’t wait to read more. I want to be your friend in real life hahaha!!!!

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