the truth hurts.

My Friday therapy session went a million times better than the previous one. I went in with a more open mind and tried not to be so defensive. And I think Laura eased up a lot too which helped. We mostly talked about me and my family though. She wanted to know everything and I opened up a lot to her. I told her things that even Brady doesn’t know.

Brady left to visit his brother on Friday night after work. I was super sad and felt left out, but pretended to be really excited about his trip. He didn’t even want me to take him to the airport, he insisted on driving himself straight from work.

So I went to dinner with Luke and Luke’s friend, Callie. She was sweet, but wouldn’t stop dropping the fact that she’s a full time model into conversation. Like, “I can’t have any carbs, I have a huge shoot next week,” and “I’m lucky that I model because I work for two days then I can work out the rest of the week.” It was annoying.

She did win points with me though when she told me that I look like the girl from the Wolf of Wall Street aka Margot Robbie. I’ve only gotten that one other time before and I was super flattered. Margot is so hot. So I was besties with Callie after that.

On Saturday morning I called Brady as soon as I woke up. I missed him so much. He didn’t pick up so I sent him a picture of me in bed. I got up and cleaned a little, made tea and toast, then sat at the dining room table alone. I was like so bored. I can’t remember the last time I was that bored. What did I do before I met Brady? It’s so weird/scary. Not that I think we will break up, but I don’t want my entire life to revolve around him. I should be able to have fun with my friends or alone, right?

Brady eventually called back and I told him to send me a picture of him with the baby. And then he did and I swear my ovaries exploded. So fucking cute! He was even holding it correctly (I don’t think I actually know how to hold a newborn) and it looked so natural. I replied, “Oh my God, I want one.”

And Brady said, “Don’t get any ideas.”

Rude.

On Saturday night, I went out with Preston, his gay friend, Eli, Nicole and Lexi. I mostly hung out with Lexi because Preston and Eli were being super slutty and flirting with straight guys and Nicole had hit it off with some guy who owns a convenience store (i.e. rich) so she was no where to be found.

So Lexi and I did the only thing there was to do at a bar: drink lots and lots of tequila. We literally just sat at the bar drinking sangria margarita swirls and taking the occasional shot. Lexi told me a ton of stories about crazy shit she’s done and was so nonchalant about it. I think that’s why I like her. She’s so chill.

I didn’t realize it, but I hadn’t eaten much on Saturday (just the toast and some fruit) so I got really, really drunk. One of the last things I remember is getting sent a shot of Fireball from a guy at the other end of the bar. Then I blacked out.

I woke up in a bed with dark linens. Brady has the whitest bed I’ve ever seen so I had no idea where I was. I sat up and looked around, noting the brown wingtip dress shoes on the floor near the closet. It took me a full minute to realize that I was in Carly’s brother, Kyle’s bed. He wasn’t in the bed with me (thank GOD), but Lexi was.

“Dude! Lex!” I said loudly.

She rolled over and sat up with a start.

“Yeah?”

I lowered my voice as I asked, “What the hell are we doing here?”

She looked around and shrugged. “At least he let us have the bed.”

Lexi and I were both still wearing our going out clothes which was a great sign because I literally could not remember anything.

“What happened?” I asked.

“Reese, you fucking psycho. You don’t remember?”

“Uh, no. I don’t remember anything. Tell me!”

“Well, you tried to hook me and this guy, Kyle, up, but then told me you’ve already hooked up with him.” She shot me a side eye.

“Oh gosh…”

“But I mean, it’s fine. We made out and stuff, but I insisted you come home with us. I didn’t want him to try anything else.”

“Lexi, Brady is going to kill me,” I said as calmly as I could.

“Why? Nothing even happened,” she said, looking confused.

“Because I have no business being here!” I got up and started looking around for my shoes and bag.

“How’s he going to find out?”

I didn’t have time to explain to Lexi that Brady and I have an honest relationship with a lot of trust so I couldn’t keep this from him.

“I’m leaving. Are you coming?” I asked.

Lexi looked at me then looked around like she was contemplating her options.

“I’m going to lay here for a little while longer,” she finally said.

“Okay. See you later,” I said and opened the door to leave.

I was surprised when I ran right into Kyle in the living room. I gasped. I don’t know why, but I expected to sneak out of there without seeing him.

“Well, well, look who it is,” he greeted me, smiling.

“Hey Kyle. I’m leaving,” I said.

“Already? I was going to order breakfast.”

I couldn’t tell if he was actually serious, but I didn’t care. “Lexi is still here.”

Kyle looked past me at his bedroom door then said, “All right. It was good seeing you.” He pulled me into a hug then I went home. Seriously, I can’t believe I thought that was a good idea, even with how drunk I was.

Brady got back to Chicago that afternoon and I’d cleaned the house from top to bottom and made lasagna for his arrival.

When I heard him unlocking the door I ran to the door so I could greet him.

“Hiiiiiiii bae,” I squealed when I saw him.

“Hey,” he replied and I threw my arms around his neck and kissed him.

He laughed and asked, “Did you miss me?”

“A ton,” I said, pouting. “How was your trip?”

“It was good. I wish you would have come.”

My jaw dropped. “Well, I wasn’t invited.”

Brady didn’t say anything and took his suitcase and bag to the bedroom. I followed him.

“How was your weekend?” he asked.

I’d decided that I was going to come clean about what happened and not drag it out and make it a big deal.

“Oh my gosh,” I began. “Last night I tried to hook Lexi and Kyle up and we all went back to Kyle’s and Lexi and I slept in his bed.”

Brady stopped what he was doing and turned to look at me. “What?”

“I know! It was so weird. Nothing happened obviously.”

“Carly’s brother, Kyle?”

I nodded. “He and Lexi are a thing now.”

Lexi had texted me after she finally left Kyle’s and told me that they made out and fooled around and she was excited to see him again. And did I mind?

Brady just looked at me.

“So yeah. I came home as soon as I woke up.”

“Why did you even go over there?” Brady wanted to know.

“Lexi didn’t want to go alone because she didn’t want him to try anything,” I explained.

“You should have told her no.”

“I know, but I was really drunk…”

“When are you going to stop getting so drunk that you can’t even function? I mean, this is getting ridiculous. You’re not in college anymore, Reese. If you can’t go out and not drink until the point of oblivion then you don’t need to go out and more importantly, you should seek help.”

I was taken aback by this. Whoa. Seek help? The shade.

“No, you don’t understand. I hadn’t eaten. I didn’t drink a lot, but it still hit me pretty hard,” I explained.

Brady shook his head. “I’m sick of this.”

“Sick of what?” I exclaimed.

He didn’t answer and went in the bathroom. I heard the shower turn on and I started crying. I went into a crying coma and didn’t wake up until I heard the bathroom door open. I sat back up. Brady walked out of the bathroom with just a towel wrapped around his waist.

“Brady, I’m sorry,” I blurted out. “I was irresponsible. I love you and never want to hurt you.”

I could tell he was surprised by this confession, but tried to keep a straight face. “Okay.”

“Are you mad?”

“I’m disappointed.” Brady walked into his closet to get dressed and I waited on the bed for him to come out.

“What can I do to make it up to you?” I asked.

“Nothing. I would ask that you not do it again, but apparently you don’t know what that means,” Brady said. He walked out of the room and I followed him to the kitchen.

“I made lasagna,” I told him.

“Great, thanks.”

I made our plates then we sat at the dining table eating. Brady showed me more pictures of the baby (so effing cute) and seemed to be over the situation. But one of the takeaways I took from my Friday session with Laura was to address a problem as soon as I felt it eating at me and eliminate it. And the Kyle situation was eating at me. Specifically Brady’s reaction.

“When you said you were sick of this, what did you mean?” I asked.

Brady looked at me blankly for a moment like he didn’t know what I was talking about. Then he realized and said, “Nothing. It’s fine.”

“It isn’t fine! We are never going to stop fighting if we don’t talk about our issues and eliminate them!” I exclaimed.

He looked down. “You get yourself into really stupid situations. I wish you would think more before you do things instead of having to do damage control afterward.”

“I know. I’m really sorry. I was literally blacked out,” I said.

“I’m sick of you using being drunk as an excuse.”

I blinked. Brady was still looking down, avoiding eye contact. I felt like I was going to cry so I quickly got up and went to our room. I knew crying was dramatic and I had no right to cry so I didn’t want Brady to see me. But obviously he followed me.

“Reese,” he sighed, sounding exasperated.

“I’m fine,” I said. I wiped my tears away and turned around to look at him.

“Why are you crying?” Brady wanted to know.

“I know you’re telling the truth and the truth hurts. I just need to cry for a few minutes if you don’t mind.”

“I don’t want you to cry.”

“I want to.”

Brady laughed and hugged me. Then I cried like a baby.

I told him I am never drinking again.

He said, “You should just learn moderation.”

“What’s that?” I asked. Moderation isn’t a word in my vocabulary as you probably imagine.

But I think I will try it. Maybe limit myself to two drinks and have the people I’m out with hold me to it. The problem is I can’t stop drinking once I start. That’s probably the sign of a serious problem, right? I’ll ask Laura.

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29 thoughts on “the truth hurts.

  1. I’m glad your therapy is going good! And I’m also starting to see you and Brady communicate more. Which I think is great. You’re definitely walking in the right direction. Love you, girl!

  2. Nyna says:

    Wow.. I’m proud of you. You were open and honest and then took full responsibility. And when Brady told you about yourself, you didn’t get defensive. You took it and even when you started crying, you allowed yourself to be vulnerable and told him why you were crying. This is big Reese. And it’s a great step forward.

  3. kelseyxsays says:

    I think you are a work in progress… which we all are! Nobody is perfect. BUT I do think it is a great sign that YOU are actually WANTING to make a change in your behavior so you can become a more responsible person and a better partner in your relationship. I am glad you are giving counseling a fair shot now. I do think having a 3rd party to talk to (i.e. Laura!) will help you navigate different situations in a really positive way.
    I must say, though, that it really bothers me when Brady says something and then basically acts like it wasn’t a big deal afterwards and won’t expand on why he says those things when he is mad. So I am glad you called him out on it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If he’s going to say something like “I am sick of this”/etcetcetc. he needs to be able to talk about it afterwards. That is something I would personally want to bring up during your counseling sesh with Brady & Laura!

    • omg, I totally agree. it’s so frustrating when he says something then when I ask about it later he says never mind it says it wasn’t a big deal. ugh! hopefully Laura can help.

  4. Carrie says:

    Not being able to stop once you’ve started drinking is a problem. My brother has a huge issue with this, and it has caused so many problems in his life. Jail, prison, probation, inability to maintain a relationship….that’s just a few. He’s perfectly fine sober, but once he has that first beer it is non-stop drinking until he is drunk/blacked out. I’ve noticed in your posts that you almost always end up getting drunk, and very quickly too. That is definitely a problem to address. Good for you though on coming clean to Brady. Though instead of playing it off like it was no big deal, you should have addressed it from the ‘stupidity’ angle, ya know? Try to think about how he is going to react to it and address that first.

      • Carrie says:

        You know how everyone has those moments where they’re thinking ‘well I made a stupidiest decision ever! Instead of leading with something that made it sound kinda casual, I would have lead with something acknowledging that I had way too much to drink and wound up at kyle’s place with lexi bc i was trying to hook them up. Nothing had happened, but that I still feel really bad and want to apologize upfront.
        Thats what I meant by the stupidity angle. What was my stupidest decision, because I need to bring that up first and apologize. I wasn’t trying to imply you’re stupid.

  5. Kristin says:

    Lots of good communication here! Maybe you should try drinking something you don’t like and then you won’t be as tempted to drink so much so fast. I’d never get drunk if red bull and vodka was my only option. I think that stuff is nasty.

  6. Happy about the open communication and taking responsibility for your actions but it still doesn’t change the fact that you getting drunk and being unaware of your actions has happened many times. There’s only so much someone can take and it sounds like Brady might be getting close to his limit.
    Glad that the therapy session was helpful.

    TheSimpleSpiel.com

  7. lbermont says:

    Hell yeah therapy!!!

    Cutting back on drinking is hard, I need to familiarize myself with doing the same thing. I haven’t found anything that works for me.. so I’ll report back, ha. I’d say the same thing about trying to drink something you don’t like, but every time I do that, I wind up loving whatever I originally hated (beer, fernet, yum). 😦

  8. Jessi says:

    You did a good job, girl. A few things to consider:
    1. Both you and Brady fucked around while you were broken up, which is NOT fair game for throwing in each other’s faces, but then again, neither one of you should be in contact with your respective hook ups from that period of time for any reason. Think about how pissed you would be if he were in the exact same situation with Jessica. You would fly off the handle. And don’t even say the Jessica situation is different, because it’s not. You both hooked up with other people while you were BROKEN UP and neither one of you should catch grief for that. BUT, you should NOT under ANY CIRCUMSTANCE deliberately place yourself in situations where you will be around Kyle, and he should do the same with regards to Jessica.

    2. Being alcohol dependent is nothing to be ashamed of. I am glad you have taken the first step to realizing you may have an issue, and this is something you may want to consider discussing with your therapist. I am also alcohol dependent and it took me a while to learn moderation. I have a great support system, and while I didn’t hold my friends accountable for my actions, they were very supportive and willing to help me moderate my consumption. It’s been a few years, and I have learned how to not use alcohol as a crutch or means to have fun. I like being the DD because it keeps me in check, and now I have no problem having only a beer or two and saving the shots and hard liquor for special occasions. It helps that I do not like the frou frou girly mixed drinks, and it took me a while to be able to NOT order Jameson or Powers with my beer. I actually appreciate whiskey more now that I don’t drink it often, haha.

    I’m proud of your progress, and this moderation thing is tough, but you have good people in your life who love you and have your back. You can do this!

  9. Luita says:

    Maybe next time you go out try being the designated driver that way you won’t drink so much. I have a friend who is 32 and she gets dumb when she drinks (you are not as bad as her 😜) she actually molested one of our co-workers one time we went out. I keep telling her she needs to quit drinking and she won’t listen, it’s come to the point where we don’t want to invite her to come out with us anymore. Don’t become that girl Reese, you can limit yourself. And it’s better if you start now.
    I’m so proud of you! You told Brady even though you didn’t have to and you really had him talk things out. You are totally adulting 😁.
    And I agree men holding babies are totally hot!

  10. Sara says:

    Reese, you really have come a long way. You were up front Brady about Kyle, listened to his concerns and didn’t get defensive. I am glad you and Laura hit it off better the second time around. Getting too drunk to function on a fairly regular basis is a problem–binge drinking. You will need to decide how you want to address it, but after following this blog for a while, I know enough about how you operate to know that you can be stubborn, which in this case is a good thing. By that I mean if you decide to deal with how you party, you will be successful at it. Kudos!

  11. e says:

    so glad you guys are communicating! it’s really good you pressed him for explanations instead of letting him sweep it under the rug (+ grown-up points)
    on the other hand, i do get the impression you’ve said you’re gonna quit drinking a few times and i don’t think you’ve tried :& (+ grown-up points for wanting to)
    i don’t know about your friends, but when i quit drinking in university they would always harass me about why i wasn’t drinking, “just take one drink”, “have a drink” all the time, so if your friends are anything like that while they’re drinking you’re gonna have a hard time 😦 you shouldn’t need them to babysit you while you’re out, and im sure that drunk reese is not gonna listen to them anyway..
    maybe try being the DD (like jessi and luita said)

  12. Kay says:

    This post made me so proud, haha. I thought you handled that situation extremely well. We all fuck up. But how you dealt with it speaks volumes. Good job.

  13. Zeina says:

    Way to go! That was the most self aware, mature post I have read in a long time. Good job on calling Brady out, instead of letting him brush it off.

  14. Maybe when ordering mixed drinks you could just get virgins or just a flavored seltzer water. I know that sometimes works for people who are trying to cut down on their alcohol. Glad therapy has helped!

  15. Holy shit – it was hearing about a totally different person, mature and taking responsibility for her actions and trying to be better. I mean that in the BEST way. It’s a HUGE step, and I’m weirdly proud of you, even though I don’t know you.

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