Living with Brady full time has been so different. I usually stayed over three to five times a week, but still. It’s going to take some getting used to. I went grocery shopping for us on Wednesday after work because there was literally no food in the house. I decided to go ahead and get the stuff we would need for the Labor Day party since I was already at the store and ended up spending almost $600. It was sickening! That’s two pairs of shoes!
And the other night he asked me to clean something. I don’t know why, but I was so offended. Why was he bossing me around? I was just sitting there working on my laptop with my feet up on the coffee table and Brady came home from work. He went to put his things down and stuff then came back in the living room and said, “Would you mind cleaning up all the stuff off the counters?”
I just stared at him.
Then he said, “I just don’t want it to be a mess when our guests get here.”
Our guests were Carly and Chris and they flew in that night. Brady went to get them from the airport while I made dinner/cleaned. When I heard the door open, I rushed to the door to see my girl.
“Carrrrlllllyyyy!” I squealed when I saw her walk in behind Chris.
“REEEESIIIEEEE!” she screamed back. She dropped her things and we hugged and cried. It was very dramatic.
“I’m so sorry I missed your birthday. Look what I got you!” Carly reached into her purse and pulled out a little bag. I immediately opened it and it was pretty bracelet set from Anthro. She’s so sweet.
After they put all their stuff down, we sat around the dining room eating and catching up. Carly and Chris say they love Philly. Carly is hoping to find a new job soon (she’s like a secretary now and doesn’t feel like she is making a difference in the world).
After we ate we went downstairs. They all wanted to smoke (just like old times!) and I decided to join. We smoked for literally two hours straight. Afterwards, Brady and I made huge bowls of ice cream and sat on the counter eating them.
“This is amazing,” I moaned.
“Not as amazing as you,” Brady said and I beamed.
On Saturday morning I rolled over and checked my phone, only to realize that it was 7:40 and our appointment with the therapist was at 8:00. I screamed.
Brady rolled over and I jumped over him to begin getting ready.
“What are you doing, Reese?” Brady mumbled.
“We have to be there in twenty minutes!” I exclaimed.
He got up and we got ready. We strolled in at 8:25 and I immediately started apologizing to our new therapist. She didn’t look how I was expecting. She was about 5’0 with wide hips and big boobs and huge blue eyes. She couldn’t have been over thirty five or forty and wouldn’t stop smiling.
“Don’t worry about it, Reese,” she said after I apologized for the fifth time. “Let’s get to it, shall we?”
She had me fill out some forms and surveys then we followed her into her office. Brady and I sat on the gray love seat while our therapist (Laura) sat in an oversized armchair adjacent to us.
The first question Laura asked was, “Brady, why are you here?”
I smiled at her. Yes, grill him Laura!
“I’m not really sure… Uh, Reese suggested we come here,” Brady answered.
I turned and stared at him, wide eyed. Seriously?
“We have been fighting a lot more lately so I thought coming here might help us communicate better,” I said.
Laura smiled and nodded. “That doesn’t answer my question though. Brady, why are you here?”
“Oh. Because Reese asked me to come,” he answered.
“You don’t think your relationship needs any improvement?” Laura continued.
“Not really, no.”
I turned and looked at him again. I wanted to strangle him. “Brady.”
“What?” he said, looking back at me defensively.
I was really embarrassed about arguing in front of Laura so I said, “Brady has issues opening up which is a big part of the problem,”
“Brady, if you could change one thing about your relationship with Reese, what would it be?”
“The way she throws a fit whenever she doesn’t get her way about anything,” Brady said.
“So that’s what you would change about Reese. What would you change about your relationship?” Laura smiled.
I wanted to turn and glare at him but decided that I couldn’t get mad because at least he was opening up.
“Reese, what would you change?”
“I wish we had more conversations about our future and more serious stuff in general,” I said.
“Does Brady know that?”
Laura and I both looked at him and he shrugged.
“We do have conversations about our future and stuff but only after we’ve been…partying. I wish he would initiate it under normal circumstances,” I continued.
“Brady, what do you think about that?” Laura asked him.
After a little pause, Brady said, “Honestly, I think it’s really ridiculous that we’re here. It’s completely unnecessary.”
I literally gasped.
“How about this – Brady, let’s chat alone. Reese, will you wait in the reception area? We’ve already spoken briefly, but now I would like to hear from Brady,” Laura said.
I stood up and glanced at Brady and I swear he shot daggers at me. The nerve! I went out into the waiting room fuming. Brady and the therapist talked alone for a whole hour. I sat in one of the chairs watching the door the entire time, waiting for them to come out. I was dying to know what they were talking about.
Finally, the door opened and Brady emerged first. Laura followed him and she was smiling like he had just proposed.
“Hi,” I said.
Laura whispered something to Brady then motioned for me to follow her into her office. So Brady and I basically switched spots. He smiled at me as we walked past each other and I rolled my eyes at him.
“What did you guys talk about?” I asked Laura as soon as we sat down next to each other on the love seat.
She laughed. “I can’t tell you that. It’s confidential.”
Rude. I thought she was supposed to be on my side.
“Reese, I have a question for you,” the shady therapist said.
“Do you love Brady?”
This caught me off guard. I almost didn’t even know what to say.
“Of course I do. I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t.”
Laura continued smiling like the psychopath that she is.
“Why do you love him?”
“I don’t know. Because he’s my boyfriend.”
She grabbed my forearm and leaned down close to me, looking concerned. “Seriously. Tell me why.”
I was honestly stumped. Like, I don’t know. I love him because I love him. But I tried to put into words exactly why. I was even curious myself.
“He’s my favorite person to be around. I can be myself and he still accepts me. We can talk all day and night and still have things to talk about. I’ve never met someone I can do that with. I’m not tired of him either and I think that says a lot. I have ADD,” I said.
Laura smiled and leaned down close to me. “I asked Brady the same question about you. What do you think he said?”
“I have no clue!” I blurted out.
She leaned back, looking surprised. “You don’t know why Brady loves you? Do you think he loves you?”
For some reason, I felt myself starting to tear up. I feel like you kind of have to cry in a therapist’s office or your session was useless, but I definitely didn’t plan on it.
“I mean, I hope so.”
“Do you believe he does?”
“He probably said no. I don’t know. I’m a terrible girlfriend,” I said. I started crying. Laura handed me a few tissues like she had been waiting for the dam to break the whole time. I think it’s what she wanted.
“Guilt,” she said.
“No I’m fine,” I said.
“No, you’re obviously very guilty about not being a good partner. I’m glad you recognize it. And I hope we can come up with some solutions today,” Laura said.
“So it’s all my fault.”
“Do you think it’s your fault?”
“I don’t even know what we’re talking about anymore.”
“Reese.” At this point Laura was way too close to my face and I could smell the coffee on her breath. “I’m not here to place blame on anyone. I’m here to help you.”
I eyed her.
“So you don’t think Brady loves you. Let’s talk about that,” Laura continued.
“I didn’t even say that. Chill,” I said. Do you see why I was hesitant to see a therapist?
“Let’s do an exercise,” Laura suggested.
And since she kind of pissed me off, I refused. I was being really short and standoffish with her so I decided to just end the session since it was basically ruined.
Brady and I made it almost all the way before even discussing what happened.
“So, how was that?” he asked me.
“Ugh,” I said. I was driving and made an overly wide right turn. Brady had to hold on to the door handle. “Stupid. I’m not going back.”
“Yeah. I didn’t find it helpful,” I explained.
“Oh. I thought she kind of was,” Brady said.
“Probably because she put all the relationship problems on me,” I mumbled.
“Nothing. It was dumb. I’m not going back.”
But maybe it was kind of helpful because Brady and I were super sweet to each other all day. We even made blackberry cheesecake bites together.
On Saturday night, we went to a bar with Carly and Chris, but came home fairly early. On Sunday we had people over for Labor Day (a day early because Chris were flying out early in the morning). Brady manned the grill and I made salsa, guacamole and margaritas. Carly made pot brownies. I was drunk before the first guest even arrived, per usual.
I told Kendra and Carly the therapist story and Kendra said, “Reese, I think you were way too defensive.”
I’m like, “Are you kidding? She tried to call me out!”
“She did not.”
“Carly!” I exclaimed. “Can you imagine if you were in my situation?”
She shook her head with wide eyes like she didn’t want to get involved.
“I wonder what Brady told her,” Kendra said. “He probably made you sound like such a heartless bitch.”
I gasped. “Do you think so?”
“No, I bet he didn’t,” Carly said.
“I just feel like the therapist was being so unfair,” I sniffled.
“We don’t even know what she talked to Brady about,” Carly said.
“What about me?” Brady asked, walking over.
We all stared at each other and didn’t answer. Conversation over.
Oh my gosh, get this. Later on, I was sitting with Brady, Chris, Carly and one of their friends and someone mentioned threesomes. Like in a joking way. Brady said something like, “Not since 2010.”
I was like, “Wait, what?”
And Brady laughed and put his arm around me playfully.
“Wait, you’ve had a threesome?” I whisper-yelled.
He looked at me like I was being ridiculous and said, “Reese.”
Chris said something and Brady started laughing and talking to him, but I grabbed his arm.
“With two girls or two guys?” I asked.
He gave me that look like I was being a Nagging Nancy, but I didn’t even care. I needed answers!
“What do you think?” he asked.
I glared at him. “You’re gross.”
He laughed and went back to talking to his friends. I was shocked and appalled. I feel like I don’t even know him at all. Obviously he’s changed a lot since college.
Guess who texted me on Monday. Andrew! He said his friend has a boat and he was inviting me out on it. I have no idea why he invited me, but I considered it for about five minutes before deciding it wasn’t a good idea.
Plus, one of Brady’s friends was having people over and I needed to escort him there. It was one of those situations where everyone was super intelligent and had sophisticated sounding jobs (a chief dental resident, a financial auditor, an industrial engineer). Like “Hi, I help design pillows, nice to meet you.” I was definitely feeling mediocre/stupid. I even asked one of the girls if her top was J. Crew and she looked at me like I was an idiot and said she had no idea. So I stopped trying to make conversation with them after that.
How was everyone else’s Labor Day? This week is going to be hectic because one of my team members is still on vacation. You never realize how important someone is until they are gone. Speaking of, I need to plan a vacation for next month. Possibly around Halloween. Possibly without my slutty boyfriend (I haven’t had sex with him since finding out about his threesome and I won’t until I get more answers).
Update: I guess I should add this – I know I said I won’t go back to laura, but I’m going to see her alone on Friday morning. I paid for four sessions already so I may as well use them. Hopefully it’s better.
38 thoughts on “you have to cry in a therapist’s office.”
So do you just not realize how ridiculous you act…or do you just not care? You pushed Brady into seeing the therapist and then when she guides you to realizing your character flaws you say “fuck it, it’s not helpful” and then try to convince people she was against you. So when you said you wanted to go to therapy to help your relationship, what you really meant was you wanted to go so that all the blame could be placed on Brady.
Step up and be accountable for your actions. I was in a relationship very similar to yours, for four years, and it consisted of me throwing fits and acting ridiculous when a detail of his past came up. I wouldn’t talk about how I was feeling until I was enraged. And when our relationship ended, because all toxic relationships like that inevitably end, I was left with stomach issues and feeling like I was lost. I lost who I was as a person while I was behaving like an asshole. Was he innocent in the whole thing? Absolutely not. But that’s not my problem, because I can’t control his actions, I can only control my own.
So stop behaving like a toddler and start controlling your own actions. You’re a college-educated, adult woman with a good career and you can support yourself. You don’t NEED Brady, even if it feels like you do. Always remember, that you are choosing to be with him, and it’s your choice to remain happy or get out of the situation that’s making you unhappy.
I do really enjoy reading your blog, it’s one of my favorites. I just hate seeing the way you behave, especially when I know there really isn’t anything I can do about it.
It’s like you read my mind Charli.
You are exactly right. Reese, your expectation was that therapist was going to side with you, you even said it so don’t deny it, and when she didn’t you acted as you typically do: like a toddler. I hope Brady continues to go to therapy even if you don’t so he can become a better communicator. But you quitting this will almost certainly come back to bite you in the ass.
I didn’t expect the therapist to be rude to me.
You say you want to go to therapy to improve your relationship but in actuality it was a power play move to make yourself come off as the victim with Brady being wrong or at fault. When this backfired you choose to act like a child because you didn’t get your way. If you don’t want to strengthen your relationship that’s fine but don’t act like you were wronged.
As for Brady’s threesome, none of your business. At least he’s honest about it. If memory serves me correct didn’t you write about your almost threesome in college. What makes your actions right but his dirty. Grow up.
how was he honest about it at all?
You know what Reese instead of thinking your perfect and don’t have a skeletons in your closet and acting like Brady is screwed up because of what he’s done in the past, take a hard cold look at yourself. You’re afraid of therapy because you can’t handle the truth. Everything is based on your terms. Brady didn’t lie about his experience and honestly doesn’t need to disclose every detail to you. You need to face the truth and start trying to be a better person to Brady. Life isn’t about you alone.
if you read that post, you’d know that I didn’t actually have a threesome. not to be bitchy. and it’s not that I’m afraid of the truth, but the therapist was rude. maybe it didn’t sound like it, but she really was. i don’t like going to see therapists (which I’ve already said a ton of times) but maybe if I found one who could actually help I would.
And if you read my comment you’d see that I said your almost threesome . Not to be bitchy. Everyone who doesn’t agree with you is rude.
no, everyone who disagrees with me isn’t rude, but some are.
This is my problem with therapy, if you can say it to a third person why can’t you say it to each other? Like you said you love Brady, right? And he’s told you he loves you. Why won’t you believe him? Why don’t you tell him what happened with the therapist? Why don’t you ask him why he liked it?
Yes, you have flaws and throw fits sometimes and whatever else. Does that make you an unlovable person? I don’t think so. You sounded very defensive in that therapy session. And I think that’s because of all the negativity you get from the comments on your blog. I think you need to tell your therapist where your idea that you don’t deserve Brady’s love comes from.
People calm down I’m not saying Reese is perfect, but Brady loves her and accepts her for who she is flaws and all. We can comment and give her constructive criticism but the constant bringing her down is unnecessary. Just my two cents.
Luita you’re such an enabler. Reese feels that Brady doesn’t love her because of the comments? If anything it’s more like Reese doesn’t love Brady as much. Her attitude during therapy was deplorable. She slways gets defensive if she doesn’t get her way. Being a bitch because the therapist asked a question because she thinks the therapist is taking sides? That’s immaturity. No one said Reese isn’t lovable. Maybe under the materialism and pretentiousness and petulance there’s a woman with a big heart that cares about others. Sadly that’s not the ways she’s portrayed herself in any post.
you’re making assumptions.
thanks. Brady and I haven’t talked anymore about the therapy session and I realize we probably should. we suck at talking!
I think y’all are being too tough. Reese, therapy is really hard. The job of the therapist is to make you uncomfortable so you question your actions and how you feel and what you think, and so you can learn how to say all that stuff in a constructive way. For people who aren’t used to that, yes, it’s really difficult, especially to open up to a complete stranger. I was in therapy for about 3 years, and it honestly took me close to 9-10 months to go ANYWHERE because I couldn’t open up–and I didn’t even realize it at the time–I was just mad that my therapist was making assumptions about me, and I didn’t even know how to voice my feelings. He wound up helping me A LOT, but yeah, it took a significant amount of time to go anywhere. I think you should stick with it for now, and don’t have any expectations that it’s going to make an immediate difference.
Also, I can’t stress how good an idea therapy is. I know it wasn’t what you expected, but I honestly think that everyone (seriously) could benefit from it. Don’t give up!
tips on how to open up? or do you think it will just take time? I meet with her again on Friday and I want it to be beneficial and not a waste of time.
I have to say Reese you are backsliding from all the progress you have made growing up the past year. I went to counseling and trust me she was not on my side and I was the only one there but it opened my eyes to so much and I am much stronger now – good for you for going back but try not to react to what she says so much just take what she says in and think about it! Its tough to hear bad things about yourself but it also helps you change those things. And because its therapy no one has to know about those things its between you and her!!!!
The second part about Brady’s threesome – who cares that’s his past and your punishing him for what he tried in college. I mean you did a lot of stupid things too (we all have) but even if Brady knew about them (or any true adult) they would see it as who you use to be not who you are!! He is with you and loves you and puts up with your crazy idea – hey I couldn’t get my ex husband to go to therapy to save our marriage but you got Brady to go and your not even married that says a lot about how he feels.
you’re so right. thanks for your comment!
Living with someone is so different than staying at their house several times a week. It’s great that you did all that grocery shopping, it’s definitely one of my most hated “chores.” It may be good for you and Brady to discuss responsibilities. You can agree to do all the grocery shopping if he takes out the garbage and whoever doesn’t cook has to clean up. Discussing that now will lead to you not feeling offended if he asks you to do something.
I’ve never been to couples therapy. I have been by myself at different points in my life and found it really beneficial. I hope you take advantage of your next appointment and don’t worry so much about blame. It’s not about who’s right or wrong and sometimes no one is.
As far as the threesome goes, it’s probably a good idea to just not share stuff about your past, either of you. My husband has always taken the “I’d rather not know” approach and that’s fine by me.
I actually love grocery shopping (but I can only go alone). ugh I hate the thought of discussing chores and household responsibilities. so many bad roommates in college.
Reese I have some questions for you, why did you go into therapy expecting the therapist to be on your side? Why does someone have to take a side in your relationship?
The therapist never said that you were at fault for anything. She said you have not been being a good partner. Big difference in those words. Everyone is capable of being a better partner IF they are open to honestly looking at themselves and making change.
You seem to focus a lot on placing blame and/or fault in most situations. You have a thought process of they did this so I did that mentality instead of looking at each situation based on how YOU can do things better. You cannot control someone else only yourself. Example being that you are not having sex with Brady now because he had a three some long before he knew you and didn’t tell you about it. In your mind you look at that situation and say/justify your behavior that Brady didn’t tell you so it’s OK for you to punish him. You have to stop the tit for tat you are doing. Talking to Brady and saying that it hurts your feelings that he didn’t tell you before is ok. Asking if there is anything else similar in his past for him to tell you is ok. Treating him badly because of something he can’t change and didnt have to disclose to you because you never asked is not ok. Unless at some point you have sat down with Brady and FULLY disclosed your past to Brady and asked him to do the same you have no right to be upset. Instead of being upset ask yourself how you make the situation better now.
I am glad that you are going back to therapy. Keep in mind it will only work if you are open to it, open to really taking a look at yourself and open to making changes.
You did a lot of assuming in your therapy session about what you thought the therapist meant or what she wanted to accomplish instead of asking for clarification.
One final question was the therapist rude because she wasn’t doing and saying what you wanted to hear or because she said something that you didn’t agree with?
she was rude because of the things she said! I didn’t expect her to be on anyone’s side, I expected her to be unbiased and not make assumptions about me or my feelings.
When you go on Friday if you get the impression that she is being rude again ask her to clarify what she is saying because it is coming across as rude to you. Asking that simple question is better than leaving there feeling the way you did the last time. I think she wasn’t intentionally trying to be rude but rather to challenge you and push your limits to gauge your response.
And above all don’t give up on it. If you get to the end of your prepaid sessions and you still don’t feel like you can connect with this therapist find someone else. From your posts it is clear that you are intelligent and a faster learner that being the case you can make great strides with the right therapy for you.
“Rude. I thought she was supposed to be on my side.” Copied and pasted from your post.
Reese, I’m not going to comment and repeat what everyone already said but a good therapist will make you doubt yourself. They are not there to take sides or to enable various behaviours, they are there to help you look at yourself from a different angle that you, yourself would not view.
I have a friend who did her masters to become a therapist, she said the hardest part was when the classmates had to analyze each other. It was emotional scrubbing, which she didn’t expect to have in a school setting.
You already said you are going on Friday, I hope you do stick to it and perhaps after another session with Laura you will be able to bring Brady back to work on the actual relationship. You know you both have communication problems, but these problems have a root somewhere, they didn’t just arise once you started dating each other. So you each need that emotional scrubbing individually before you scrub down your relationship
You. Are. A. Child. WOW
Therapy is never easy. I hope you stick with it. It’s definitely worth it, but it’s not just easy.
I want to try it again and stick with it!
obviously reese recognizes she isnt perfect n thats why she suggested counseling coz she wants her relationship to work.people need to stop attacking her like she was supposed to get an epiphany and change her behaviour in one session.go reese!
I actually had a similar experience with a therapist! I made my husband come with me to couples therapy a few months after we had our first baby because we were fighting all the time. I fully expected the therapist to be on my side but it really felt like the opposite! We had different views on a couple of key things that were important to me and after that one session I told my husband I didn’t want to go back! So we didn’t and eventually worked through things.
So I don’t have any advice for you about therapy but just wanted to say that I could relate! A good friend of mine who does go regularly said that therapy only works if you are willing to do the work and make changes. That sounded right to me which is why I didn’t go back — I didn’t feel like I had anything to change and really felt like my husband was the one that had to deal! (We had baby related issues like bed-sharing etc)
Good luck Reese!!!
I’m glad someone can relate! I was starting to feel like I’m crazy
I’m a therapist and wanted to comment on a few things.
Typically when a therapist makes ‘assumptions,’ they are trying to clarify what they’re hearing you say. Ideally, the client will say yes, that’s it or no, you’re not hearing me correctly. So, if you feel your therapist is making unfair assumptions, take the opportunity to correct it or engage in a conversation about it.
From the information you shared in your post, the therapist doesnt come across rude. She was being direct and trying to get information from you.
Whether therapy works or not, is up to you. The therapist’s job is to challenge you and help you to think about things differently. It is a process that takes time.
I did say no, that’s not what I said/meant.
Sometimes my boyfriend says no to me and it seriously makes me furious too. You go girl! With the feminist movement and all, it’s really such bullshit that they think they can just tell women to help with the chores and disrespect us. It’s like… they have to do what we say because 1) reparations for female disenfranchisement and 2) HELLO they are our BOYFRIENDS!!! So on behalf of all women out there, YOU GO GIRL!
Can I just point out that some commenters take everything Reese says way too seriously? It seems to me like some of Reese’s comments that seem bratty are just sarcastic. Sometimes things are a joke. Also, Reese, you say that you’re not into therapy but it was your idea…. I mean that light heartedly btw