I don’t know if I’ve mentioned my friend Elyse on the blog. She’s the kind of friend you can go years without speaking to, but when you reunite it feels like no time has passed. She was one of the first people I truly became friends with after I transferred. I kind of introduced her to the rest of my friends because she was a little different than us. Less glam and more studious. But seriously, out of all of us, she’s winning.
Anyway, she just got an advanced degree and is moving overseas so she had a big going away party in Arizona. I decided at the last minute to go because otherwise I don’t know when I would see her again.
I packed a bag full of literally nothing but bikinis, shorts and heels and flew to Phoenix on Friday afternoon. My friend, Lauren, landed about an hour before I did and she hung out at the airport waiting for me. Lauren recently got engaged to her boyfriend. She thought it would be cute to announce it on Facebook and everyone was in an uproar because she didn’t make it more personal. I personally didn’t care because she posted detailed pictures of the ring and that’s all I really wanted to see.
We took a cab from the airport to Elyse’s apartment not too far away. It was super hot and sunny which was a far cry from the cold gloomy weather in Chicago. I was super excited for a weekend away even though I missed Brady already. The party was scheduled for Saturday evening so we decided to stay in and have a girls night on Friday. Elyse lives with another one of our friends from college, Morgan, who was the one who planned the party.
We got champagne (much better than the nasty shit we drank in college), tequila and a spinach frozen pizza. I ended up getting really drunk off champagne and had a snap convo with my ex. He didn’t know I would be in Phoenix for the party and when he found out, he tried to get me to come to one of his friends’ places to hang out. I wasn’t drunk enough to go, but I never directly said no because sometimes the chase is fun.
The next morning, I woke up at 8:00 AM Chicago time ready to get my day started. Everyone else was still sleeping and had no interest in getting up which was annoying so I called Brady because obviously he would be up by then.
He didn’t pick up and it hurt my feelings. I tried a few more times in case he didn’t hear it the first time until I finally gave up and went back to sleep.
Eventually my ringing phone woke me back up. Brady.
“Hi,” I answered.
“Hey. I love you,” Brady said. He sounded half asleep.
“Liar. I know you were with your other girlfriend and that’s why you didn’t answer,” I said.
“Anyway, Lauren’s ring is literally to die for in person. Do you want me to see if she knows where her fiancé got it?” I asked.
“That isn’t necessary. I have it under control,” he said.
And because I’m annoying, I sent him a picture of me wearing Lauren’s ring. She said I could. Is that bad luck? I hope I didn’t jinx myself or Lauren’s engagement.
Anyway, after everyone got up we got brunch at the coolest restaurant. They had a live band (at 11:00 AM) and we all ordered egg whites, plain toast and two pitchers of mimosas. It was like we were back in college and poor again.
“So did you see it coming?” Elyse asked Lauren.
“He asked my sister what kind of ring I wanted and then she asked me, so yes I saw it coming,” Lauren replied.
“I would have killed her,” I said.
“At least he did well though.” Lauren admired her beautiful ring.
“Reese, when’s your boyfriend going to propose? I feel like you’ve been together forever,” Elyse said, turning to me.
“I know,” I said dramatically. “I don’t get what he’s waiting for. We already live together, have a dog together and he lets me spend all his money.”
They all laughed, but I wasn’t joking.
“He isn’t going to propose until he wants to,” Lauren said matter-of-factly.
“I’m not worried about it.” I sipped my mimosa. I know it sounds bad, but I feel like if I really, really try, I could make Brady do anything I want – including propose. But that’s not how it’s supposed to work so I won’t.
Elyse has been single for a long time and we discussed the possibility of her finding a guy in Portugal. She’s the cutest little blonde bombshell so it shouldn’t be a problem. And honestly good for her not letting a man distract her for getting her degree and getting out of the country before Donald Trump becomes president.
After we ate and were a little tipsy from the mimosas, we Ubered to the mall. I made a vow to stop drunk/tipsy shopping but honestly I forgot. I ended up getting a few pieces, but luckily we needed to get back to Elyse and Morgan’s place to get ready for the party.
We pushed back some furniture, made enough fishbowls to line the counters and propped open the patio doors leading out the shared pool. I was so busy slurping from one of the fishbowls that I didn’t notice the first few guests arrive. I hugged and caught up with some people I went to school with then I ran and changed into a tiny bright bikini and swiped on some nude lip gloss.
Back out at the party, someone had brought a bottle of champagne. Elyse opened it and sent the bottle around while we filled up our flutes. I couldn’t be bothered to get one out of the cabinet so I just used my glass from earlier. I caught up with some other people from college, all working cool tech and project management jobs. I was talking to Rene, a project manager, when I heard Devin arrive. I rolled my eyes deeply, which Rene thought was directed at her.
Devin made a beeline for me and slid an arm around my waist.
“You look beautiful,” he tried to whisper sexily, but I rolled my eyes.
“Why are you here?” I asked.
Devin pulled away and looked at me like I was crazy. “Elyse is my friend, too.”
“So you came all the way to Phoenix just for the party?” I asked.
“Yeah, just like you. Plus I had a free weekend so I thought I’d make a quick trip. Just my luck, you’re here too,” he smiled.
I rolled my eyes.
Devin made a big show of looking around the room behind me and himself then asked, “Where’s your boy?”
“He isn’t here obviously. He doesn’t have time for our shenanigans.”
Devin smiled conspiratorially. “His mistake.”
I walked away to find another fish bowl and Devin followed me.
“When do you leave?” he asked.
“Tomorrow afternoon,” I answered.
“Let me take you to breakfast. We gotta catch up.”
“No,” I said simply.
He clutched his chest like that was the ultimate letdown. “Come on. My treat!”
As if I needed him to buy a cheap breakfast meal for me. Five years ago I would have been ecstatic.
“Devin, no,” I said. “Go away.”
He grinned. “All right. I’m gonna go say hi to Elyse.”
I waved him off and started sucking down another drink. Lauren came and found me, throwing her arms around me. She’d changed into a similar mix match printed bikini because we are basically twins still.
“If I asked you to be a bridesmaid, would you do it?” she asked me.
“Of course. Are you asking me?!”
Lauren nodded. “I don’t have anything planned, but I know I want my main girls there!”
Just wondering, if someone asks you to be in their wedding, do you have to ask them to be in yours? Like just out of common courtesy?
Later on, a lot of us were sitting out by the pool just hanging out and dancing to ratchet music. I was laying back in a pool chair with a mug of rosé. I hadn’t seen Devin in a while, which was a good thing, and I assumed he’d left. I glanced up though and saw him walking out of the house with his tall basketball player friend. I sighed and turned away, closing my eyes. I heard Devin and his friend making their rounds and greeting everyone.
A few minutes later, I heard and felt someone come sit in the pool chair next to me. It was Devin. He was sitting on the side of the chair and his legs were so long that his chin was practically sitting on his knees. His friend was sitting over on the other side looking just as uncomfortable.
“Your dude’s crazy,” Devin said in a low voice. He reached out and grabbed my hand. “If I had the chance to wife you today, I would.”
I snatched my hand away. “You did have the chance, but you’re an idiot so…”
“No, you would just rather be with that pussy.”
I was enraged. I kicked my legs to the ground and stood up. “Dude, fuck off.”
Devin laughed, not even flinching. “Sit your ass down, Reese.”
Obviously I didn’t like not being taken seriously so I poked him really hard between the eyes. Devin stood up, a full foot taller than me.
“Okay, and?” I said, letting him know that his height didn’t scare me.
He lifted his arm, which I took as a threat, so I threw the remainder of my rosé on him. Because I only had a drop left and he’s so much taller than me, the remaining drops landed on his white t-shirt. Devin smacked my hand away, knocking the mug on the ground. It shattered on the concrete.
“You’re literally psychotic, get away from me. I don’t even know why you’re here,” I said.
He scoffed. “I’m psychotic? Look at you!” He gestured to my little body, in attack mode.
Devin started to walk away and I don’t know, I just wanted to keep fighting with him. Don’t call my man a pussy when you’re the pussy. I started to chase him.
“Okay, well congrats on being stupid!” I called after him.
Devin raised his hand and flipped me the bird.
“Cool. You’re still a piece of shit though!” I said.
“And you’re a bitch,” he called over his shoulder.
We’d reached the patio door, which was closed. Devin had to stop and open it which gave me time to catch up and assault him. I picked up speed and kicked out my foot to try and trip him or something. I don’t know. I just know that my legs are stronger than my arms so that was the way to go. I didn’t even make contact with him (I missed), but blood from my foot dripped down onto his leg, sock and shoe. I didn’t even notice I was bleeding.
“Ugh! What the fuck?” Devin exclaimed, turning back to look at me.
It took me a moment to realize that there was a trail of blood following me and that I must have stepped in a stray piece of the broken mug and cut my foot open.
“Reese, are you okay?” Lauren asked, running up behind me.
“She’s sick. Get her some help ASAP,” Devin said and went inside.
I assured Lauren that I was fine then went in search of my phone to call Brady. I was bleeding to death and needed instructions on what to do. Brady didn’t answer the first few times I called him, but Lauren and Elyse came to my aid with rubbing alcohol and bandaids.
When Brady finally called back, I was still sitting there bleeding through the bandaids.
“Hey. What’s wrong?” he asked after I picked up.
I started sobbing, naturally. “I literally can’t stop bleeding.”
“What? You’re bleeding?” he said, sounding panicked.
“Mmhm! I don’t even know what I happened! I want to come home!” I continued.
“Why are you bleeding? From where?” Brady asked.
“My foot. It won’t stop.”
“I must have stepped on something. I don’t know. Should I call 911?”
Brady sighed. “No, just relax. You’re bleeding more because you’ve been drinking-”
“How do you know I’ve been drinking?” I demanded to know.
“Because I know you.”
I didn’t have anything to say about that so I repeated, “I want to come home.”
“You’ll be home soon, okay? I’ll get you from the airport.”
I sensed that Brady was trying to rush me off the phone so I asked, “Where are you?”
He replied, “Out.”
“Where? And with who?”
“I’m having drinks with John.”
“Just John? Where’s Kendra?” I didn’t like Brady being out alone with Kendra’s unfaithful husband.
“She wasn’t feeling well.”
“And John left her at home? Some husband he is!” I yelled.
“Okay, I gotta go. Love you,” Brady said.
It annoyed me so I hung up. An hour later, I was sitting on Elyse’s floor packing up all my stuff to leave. My flight wasn’t leaving until Sunday afternoon, but I wanted to be prepared. Being around Devin and alcohol brought out a side of me I thought I put to rest and honestly it was embarrassing. I needed to get out of Arizona and never look back.
When I woke up on Sunday morning I had a text message from Devin. It said, “Let me take you to breakfast in Scottsdale.”
What a fucking quook! Why was he even still bothering?
I replied, “No,” then got up to get ready for Sunday Funday with the girls.
Brady picked me up from the airport that night with Tucker in the car. Tucker doesn’t really like car rides, so I was pleasantly surprised. I was so glad to be home. I’m seriously so happy with how much I’ve changed since college and dating Devin and how lucky I am to have such a patient and sweet boyfriend. I may bitch about Brady a lot, but I think being with him has drastically changed me.
So I blocked Devin’s number again. Good riddance!
Anyway, since y’all asked, I’ll tell you about my high fiber vegetarian diet (that I strayed from slightly this weekend). For breakfast, I’ll usually have all my carbs and dairy, if I want it. I’ll have whole grain toast with butter or peanut butter or honey and chia seeds, scrambled eggs with cheese or hot sauce, and a side of avocado and/or tomatoes. I’ll usually have some sort of fruit for snacks throughout the day so diced mango or pineapple, a couple of cuties, a banana or applesauce or something. For lunch I’ll have soup or a salad with crackers or string cheese. And for dinner I’ll do beans, lentils or quinoa with vegetables. I like black beans topped with homemade pico and a side of avocado. I love cajun asparagus or broccoli, look up the recipe on Google! Sometimes I’ll indulge and make risotto, but only if I haven’t been feeling satisfied. I’m big into sweets (and alcohol) so eating like this makes it a lot easier to have dessert and not feel guilty about it. I don’t know if it’ll work for everyone, but I honestly feel so much better. It’s easier to wake up, I don’t feel sluggish in the middle of the day and I’m never bloated (unless I have beer). I literally have abs and I haven’t been to the gym in months!
K love y’all! Bye!
25 thoughts on “i hope i didn’t jinx myself.”
Seeing gross guys deff makes you appreciate what you have times a million. Devin is seriously just thirsty and I always wonder when people like him will just grow up, I mean dude you’re around 24(ish)… get your life straight.
About the bridesmaids thing, I know I would choose one of my good friends however she has a huge family and cousins and all that…so I’m not counting on her to make me her bridesmaid. So I guess it kinda depends. It would be your wedding you choose 😃
Devin is my age… so he’s 26. definitely time to grow the f up.
Yikes, glad you got out of Arizona in one piece! Devin seems crazy – good idea blocking him!
Regarding bridesmaids, my one regret is that I didn’t include a good friend whose wedding I was in, because at the time of the wedding, we weren’t as super close as we once were. We have since become closer – it was just the period around the wedding that we didn’t talk as much – and I wish I had thought about it more and included her.
Thanks for sharing the diet details and I love that swimsuit that you linked to! I am actually going to Tucson, Arizona in July to visit the inlaws and am getting a few new swimsuits! Just bought a cute one from Tommy Bahama.com!
devin is crazy, glad you blocked him! when he came up I was worried you’d actually decided to meet him…
& I wouldn’t necessarily think it’s a bad thing John and Brady were out together! he hasn’t cheated on Kendra since they got engaged or?
it was sweet that Brady said he had the ring handled 😄
gahhh devon is such a douche! appreciate B and give him more credit. more positives, less negs- give the people hope! xo
Yay! Thanks for writing about your diet plant!
Hey what happened?? I saw your Twitter updates last night.
Probably nothing…Reese always posts these overly exaggerated tweets! Then we find out that it’s something totally minuscule or immaterial.
Yet you’re still here being nosy Ginger. Get a life 🙂
Yet you’re still here being nosy Ginger. Get a life 🙂
Rude much, Cynthia? Why don’t you get a life and stop being a yenta?
Hi! I’m in Cjocaho fot yhe night gor work. We’re at a lame bar called three dots and a bar. Any ideas where i cam got? I want to dance
walk across to studio Paris. good luck
i loved you. i told you in real life
Thank you. Everywhere is dead tonight. Going to head back to my hotel and hook up with my ex bf
Ong. Just wanted to pop in and apologize for my comment last night. My life is a mess. Sorry
lol I love you.
Please post again!! Your tweets are making me anxious!
You can have him. Unsubscribe and let’s erase all and move on. I hope it’s his
I don’t need anymore encouragement to continue destroying myself. Do you realized your input has caused it. So on that note. I always will you know what you but bye bye. You can continue your assault on my decay
Judging by your latest tweets, I’m guessing you did jinx yourself?