I was very excited to get out of Chicago for the weekend. Especially because I ran into Tia at Target when I was getting some of my travel toiletries. She was standing in the toiletry aisle with a female friend and my first reaction was to say, “Hey, how are you?”

She smirked at me and I saw her raise her eyebrows through her sunglasses. “Hey.”

I squeezed past her to grab some deodorant and when I looked up an older white man was walking down the aisle toward us. Her sugar daddy I assume.

“Did you ladies find what you were looking for?” he asked them.

Tia threw her arms around his neck and kissed him on the lips. It was loud.

Just as she was telling him that she had found everything, I said, “It was nice seeing you. Bye!”

She gave me what looked like a satisfied smile. “Bye.”

Am I fake? Why did I talk to her like we are cool or something? I must have temporarily forgotten the unfinished business we had. But as soon as I left the aisle I texted Brady, “I just saw Tia with her sugar daddy. He’s hideous, but so is she.”

Brady said, “Lol, where?” and I didn’t respond because who cares.

Anyway, we left for the beach on Friday morning, but I’d waited until Friday morning to pack so we almost missed our flight. Y’all probably think Brady is the most patient person in the world, but he really isn’t. He hassled me about packing all evening, physically began putting things in my suitcase to encourage me to start on Friday morning and then he called our Uber while I was still in the shower. So rude.

Brady arranged a cute little cottage through Airbnb even though his aunt and uncle have a large house that the family usually stays in. Since it was a family trip, the house was going to be way too full for our liking. On Friday night the plan was to go to the aunt and uncle’s for dinner and wine. With all of Brady’s family.

At first, I thought it was just Brady’s dad side of the family. So Landon, Logan, Brady’s pretentious aunts, etc, but then I saw Brady’s Aunt Kat! The one I met in Florida. She was the first person I saw when we walked into Brady’s aunt and uncle’s house and I was really confused.

“Hi Brady! You two!” she said. It was obvious that she’d forgotten my name.

They hugged and then she reached out to hug me. Brady’s parents weren’t supposed to be there, but after seeing Aunt Kat I was a little freaked out that they would show up. I was not mentally prepared to see them.

Everyone was hanging out in the dining room so we made our rounds. We saw Landon, who of course, was double fisting beer. He looked like a huge pink, wet ball and I was not impressed. We also saw Landon’s brother, Logan, who had brought a date. Logan is so much better than Landon and it’s weird to me that they are brothers.

Anyway, all of Brady’s aunts are those haughty Upper East Side women who have vacation homes all over the east coast. Maybe I’d be the same way if I were them, but it got real old, real fast. As they were opening the wine, they seriously discussed the years the grapes were harvested for each bottle and what was going to go well with the oysters. Like bitch, give me a Two Buck Chuck from Trader Joes and I’m good to go. And as a matter of fact, fuck your oysters and give me mozzarella sticks. It was annoying.

We sat down at the dining room table and had oysters, a cheese board (Logan’s girlfriend brought it. Sucking up to the aunts) and wine. Landon was starting med school so everyone wanted to know how that was going. If that idiot is in med school, then I totally could have gone to med school.

After dinner, most of us headed out to the patio to continue drinking. Kat and one of Brady’s other aunts were pretty tipsy and started talking about sex (intercourse), blow jobs (fellatio) and dicks (cocks). It was funny and entertaining at first but I think all of us younger people were relieved when they decided to go to a bar. Especially Landon. Can you imagine your mother talking about giving head in front of you? The only time my mom has really mentioned anything like that to me was toward the end of my parents relationship when she told me that she and my dad were no longer having sex. And I was just thinking, “Wow Mom, you could have left that detail out.”

After all the “grown ups” were gone, Brady, Landon and Logan decided to smoke. I wasn’t gonna, but then when they pulled all the materials and stuff out, I figured why not.

About an hour later, we were all sitting out on the patio, stoned out of our minds. We were just staring at each other and the water. The patio door opened and this tall, hot brunette walked out. She was wearing white shorts, a thin off the shoulder sweater, knee high boots and a choker. She actually looked a lot like my friend, Brittany. Landon glanced at Brady and started grinning like The Joker.

“Hi y’all!” she exclaimed. I (thought I) loved her immediately.

Landon was the first to say anything, obviously.

“Sara! What the fuck! I didn’t know you were coming!” He stood up to hug her.

Brady stood up to greet her next and her eyes lit up.

“Oh my gosh!” she said as they hugged. “Brady!”

When they pulled away, she kept her hands on his biceps. “How have you been? I miss you.”

I realized that something weird must have been going on because Brady immediately turned back to me without acknowledging what she said. “This is my girlfriend, Reese.”

Not wanting to seem like a bitch, I stood up to shake her hand. With her heeled boots on, she was about an inch or two taller than Brady.

“Hi, nice to meet you,” I said.

She pulled me into a hug. “You’re beautiful.”

Sara sat down and Landon started firing off questions. Apparently she’s a local news reporter and Landon seemed so fascinated by it. At one point, I pulled out my phone to check some texts and out of the corner of my eye, I saw Landon wag his finger between Brady and Sara. I looked up and Landon quickly put his hand in his lap and smiled sheepishly. I glared at him.

Sara didn’t stay much longer, but before she left, she pulled out her phone and suggested she and Brady exchange numbers. She wasn’t even out of the house when I demanded to know what was going on.

“What? What do you mean?” Brady asked, looking all confused.

“Landon is a fucking shit starter and he kept making all these faces. Don’t try to lie,” I said through clenched teeth.

Brady made a big show of glaring at Landon then turning back to me looking defeated. “I guess she and I had a thing.”

“What do you mean?” I needed to know.

“Nothing serious. We slept together a few times.”

“Who didn’t you fucking sleep with? Literally the only requirement is a warm, wet pussy!” I hissed.

“Reese, would you stop?” he said sternly.

“And why does she want your number now?”

“I don’t know!”

“Well, don’t talk to her.”

“Okay, I won’t.”

You know what though? I can’t blame Sara for wanting to rekindle things with Brady. He’s hot and he’s lowkey, but he’s so amazing in bed. I was just thinking about it recently. Dick made of gold as Preston would say. I am freaking obsessed with him.

After our fight about Sara (and all the weed), I was ready to call it a night. We stopped and got a ton of shitty junk food, took it back to the Airbnb, and then ate until we passed out.

The next morning, Brady woke me up early because he had plans for us to go out in a boat. Naturally, I thought he’d be proposing so I took forever to get ready, making sure I looked perfect and photo ready. I wore a Free People dress, Jeffrey Campbell booties and my hair half up in a bun (kind of trendy for the photos, but it was cute).

Brady didn’t propose. I realized he wasn’t going to when he opened his fourth beer. Brady is not the kind of guy who is going to propose to his girlfriend while drunk. No matter how nervous he was. And he didn’t seem nervous or anxious at all. Just another day for him. I was annoyed that I’d gotten so cute, but still made Brady take a ton of pictures with me and of me anyway.

Immediately after the boat, Brady wanted to go meet Landon and another cousin at the bar. Obviously I didn’t want to hang out with Landon more, but I did want to drink with my man so I agreed.

When I walked in Landon said, “Why are you wearing a prom dress?”

I don’t think I’ve ever been more insulted in my life.

“Why are you so fat you can’t find you dick?” I said back.

I’m sorry, but I hate Brady’s cousin. He deliberately tries to piss me off and almost like scare me away, and I’m just not the one to play that shit with. Landon laughed, but Brady exclaimed, “Reese!”

“Relax, baby B,” Landon said laughing and putting his arm around my shoulders. “Me and the girl are just kidding around with each other.”

I wasn’t kidding, but I guess we could pretend it was all for fun. We hung out at the bar for a little while before Brady and Landon decided they wanted to go smoke on the beach. I wasn’t too enthused about going to the beach with my prom dress on, but I also didn’t want to go back to the cottage and spend the night alone. So I tagged along.

We met up with one of Logan’s attorney friends – another tall, hot American jock, JFK kinda dude. He turned out to be a huge douche though. He and Landon took turns calling Brady a pussy and making fun of him for being skinny. Brady’s been working out so he isn’t even that skinny.

Eventually I got tired of it though and I said, “Would y’all shut the fuck up?”

“Oh, babe,” Landon said, pouting at me. I don’t think Landon has ever acknowledged me by name. “You can’t protect Brady from this.”

“You’re actually so annoying. I’m sure you already know that,” I said.

“I do. And I’m sure you already know that Brady is only with you because you’re kind of hot,” Landon said.

The attorney laughed and Brady sighed. Landon and the attorney pounded fists and Brady looked at me apologetically.

“Bern, shut the fuck up,” he said.

“Fuck, dude. I’m kidding,” Landon said.

We continued walking and no one said anything while Landon lit up the weed. When it was my turn, Brady helped me light the bowl because he’s a gentleman and it takes some coordination. I don’t even like smoking but I felt like I had to to deal with them.

When we finally got down to the beach and after a long time of silence, Landon said, “You know who is really hot though? Sara.”

None of us said anything so Landon continued. “And she would still totally let you tap that.” He clapped Brady on the shoulder.

Brady gave Landon a deadly glance then looked over at me and I rolled my eyes. Landon went on for a little while longer, objectifying Sara and trying to get Brady to chime in. I was sick of fighting with Landon, but I wasn’t about to just stand there and listen. So I announced that I was leaving and began walking away. I heard Brady tell them he had to go, Landon call him a pussy and then Brady come after me.

Later that night, after we’d eaten and hooked up, I went through Brady’s phone. I don’t care. And Sara had texted him.

“It was so nice to see you. 🙂 I’d love to grab a coffee with you tomorrow,” she said. Tomorrow would have been Saturday – when Brady and I spent the entire day together.

He replied, “It was nice to see you also. I hope you enjoy your stay.”

So fuck Landon. Brady wasn’t about to “tap” Sara again. Landon is seriously the worst. When we were on the beach he said something like, “My father owns this beach so if you don’t like what I have to say then you can fuck off.” He wasn’t talking to me directly, but what a shitty, privileged thing to say. Everything that’s wrong with America, to be honest.

Anyway, my birthday was last week. Brady planned a dinner with my friends which was so cute and sweet because no one told me. Pregnant ass Kendra was there with John, Preston, Luke, my new friend Ava and her man, my old coworker Leah and even my fucking mother. She’d flown into Chicago the Monday before, but when I realized that Brady had arranged this whole dinner, I thought for sure he was proposing. My mom doesn’t come visit me just for my birthday anymore. Again, I put on my nicest dress and had my mom help me with some falsies.

But nope. Still no proposal. After dinner, I asked my mom if she knew anything about Brady’s plans to propose to me. She said no and my mom is a terrible liar so I knew she was telling the truth.

Brady’s parents sent me a gift. A set of brass measuring spoons. Super chic and vintage and I appreciate the thought. I emailed his mom saying thank you and she did not respond at all.

On my birthday I got a delivery of flowers and donuts to the office. I assumed it was Brady even though it wasn’t his style. The donut box had “Scott” written on it in Sharpie so then I figured it was my dad. It made sense. Since my mom had flown in, he felt like he needed to compete so he sent flowers and donuts. But after I read the tiny card attached to the bouquet, I realized it was from my boss, Scott.

“Thank you for everything you do.”

For a few days after our night out, Scott texted me all the time – about work and about life in general. He asked me to hang out a couple times, but I declined, claiming to have plans with Brady. He didn’t stop trying though.

Monica came in my office and saw the flowers.

“Pretty. Are they from Brady?” she asked.

And it kind of embarrassed me that they actually weren’t from Brady and that he didn’t send me anything. I went ahead and lied and said they were though. Scott had sent a whole dozen donuts and I wasn’t going to finish them all so I ripped off the top that had his name written on it and left it in the break room for everyone.

I texted him saying thank you and he replied, “You’re welcome. And happy birthday.”

I didn’t say anything else and he added, “I owe you a drink. I’m sure you have plans tonight, but later this week?”

I said, “That’s probably not a good idea.”

I’m sure I could’ve found a way to sound my confident and sure of myself, but I still have to work for this man so I wanted to let him down gently.

“You’re right. I shouldn’t have asked,” Scott said.

But just over the weekend he texted me saying, “Come to the bar. There’s a margarita here with your name on it.” So obviously he doesn’t care that it’s inappropriate.

Even though I haven’t done anything with Scott, I must feel guilty in some way because I had a dream the other night about making out with him at the office and his wife stopping by. We pulled away just before she caught us, but I was sitting on his desk and he was standing between my legs. The wife cried and the rest of the dream was just her sobbing. I woke up feeling really guilty even though Scott and I have never kissed or done anything like that. Ew. She stopped by the office in real life last week, the day after my birthday. Scott was putting on this big show, hugging her and being all affectionate even though I have texts from him saying that they are both checked out of their marriage.

Anyway.

My mom just moved to downtown Houston. My dad bought a 3 bedroom house in the suburbs and told my mom she was welcome to stay there if she needed to, but she went off and did her own thing. Good for her I guess. They’re both refusing to file for divorce and I think I’m secretly hoping they’ll work it out. Who wants to be a single divorcee at that age? It’s just so depressing.

Over the weekend, we had a couple people over for Labor Day. I didn’t want to, but people started texting us asking what we were doing and if they could come over? We’re just so popular. So we went to the grocery store and spent $300, grilled, ate and smoked all day. Brady and I bailed on the party to go hook up and then fell asleep and when we woke up, everyone was gone. I guess we are getting old. I’m 27 now. It’s so fucking weird. Can you believe when I started this blog I was only 24? So much has changed. Back then I was hooking up with everyone in sight (my intern?!) and now I’m hoping my boyfriend will put a ring on it soon. So crazy.