Paige is pregnant, by the way. I had a feeling she was with child last year based on how she was acting and the questions she was asking. And then her entire wardrobe changed and she stopped wearing blazers every single day. I kind of thought she might confide in me since we’d been having some really personal conversations — most notably the one we had where she asked about the origin of Brendan and me. I gladly gave her the scoop: basically we were really close from the beginning and went through breakups around the same time and it just felt natural when we got together. I wasn’t going to take credit for his separation so I left that part out, but Paige said something like, “But you must’ve known while you were with your ex that something was brewing with Brendan.”

“I mean, I guess kind of. I think we both knew we liked each other, but it was never anything serious, you know?” I said.

“Yeah, I know. I feel like Mike and I had a bit of a thing like that,” she said.

I tried to keep a poker face, but OH MY GOD I CALLED IT. “Really?”

“Yeah. Had. Past tense. I mean, we met for drinks when he gave me my job offer and I got hammered and yeah…that’s where everything started.”

I didn’t even try to hide my shock. Because what was she talking about? “What do you mean? What exactly happened?” 

“Nothing really happened, I guess. He started being really flirty with me and we just had this thing,” Paige explained. I just stared at her waiting for further details because can you even imagine Mike flirting? None of this was making any sense to me. She said that they had a ton of sexual chemistry and he would go out of his way to be near her and touch her and she liked the attention (this sounded almost exactly like my relationship with my former boss, Scott). And then she said she didn’t even know he was married until a few months ago (complete bullshit — I don’t think Mike wears a wedding ring, but he has pictures of his wife and kids all over his office), after she called him outside of working hours and he told her that he was with his family and it was inappropriate. When she pressed Mike about their flirty relationship, he told her nothing was going on, he’s married and her boss, blah blah blah.

“I mean, what did you want from him? You’re married, too,” I pointed out.

“I don’t know, I just wanted him to acknowledge our thing, I guess? I obviously didn’t want anything from him.”

That was it? That’s the story? They didn’t even make out? I was like, okay Paige, *don’t ever tell that story again*, in the words of queen, icon, legend Garcelle Beauvais. I feel like she was telling me that just to compete with me. Anyway, she’s pregnant now, due next month and shuffles around rubbing her belly all day. She’ll be like, “Omygod, I can feel his spine, wanna come feel?” And it’s like, uh no, we aren’t even that close so it’s weird. I don’t really have time to sit around and gab all day and she comes to my office to grill me with pregnancy and baby questions for hours on end. Not to be rude, but was I this obnoxious when I was pregnant?

Brendan brought his new business manager, Gigi, to the office to meet our team. Mike had already met her and kept telling me that he wanted me to meet her and that she’s “really good” so her reputation kind of preceded her. Her real name isn’t Gigi, but it’s super unique and just as silly so I gave her an alias. I fully expected to hate her, especially when she waltzed in wearing a hideous oversized Hailey Bieber blazer. But…I don’t? She’s kind of great? She’s annoying (she’s told me no less than 40 times that she’s Hungarian and that her family is from Hungary), but she’s really smart and she’s direct like I am and gets everything done that she says she’ll get done. It’s like, duh, of course they just needed to put a woman in charge! Plus, she likes reality TV and fashion so we talk about that stuff too.

Brendan hasn’t officially taken a step from his company yet, thank god. Over the years, we’ve worked together a lot and I can’t imagine a project without him. When Mike gave me all that extra work, he and Miguel, who both know a lot more than I do, helped me a ton. Mike would say things like, “We need clearance from the city to get the gas turned on, can you talk to the city?” And Brendan and Miguel would be like, “We know someone from the city!” We just do so much together and I’m not looking forward to him not being around. 

Meanwhile, I guess things thawed out a bit between Brady and me. After I turned him down about working on things, he ignored my existence for a few weeks, but then he needed to change our schedule because he had some upcoming travel.

“Oh, now you want to talk to me because you need something,” I said.

Brady smirked. “Yes. I appreciate you.”

That was potentially the nicest thing he’s ever said to me, at least in a very long time, so I was willing to overlook the past few weeks of him being rude to me. So we were distant, but not actively hating each other. Like, we didn’t keep in contact during the week, but we’d still catch up when we saw each other. And we even relaxed our custody schedule a little bit, after I complained about not ever getting to spend weekends with Winnie.

Brady was like, “Oh, that’s no problem. If you want a weekend, just let me know.”

Very interesting. I figured he was trying to build up some good karma with me, especially when he reached out to me about Mother’s Day and asked if I wanted to pick up Winnie that Sunday morning to spend the day with her. I’d assumed that it would be like last year and he would deliberately make plans without me. So I immediately took him up on his offer before he tried to change his mind.

I made plans for us to do girlie things during the day and then that evening Brendan was going to take us out for dinner. So I skipped my ass to Connecticut on Sunday morning to pick up my child and Brady was all, “You look nice today.”

And I was just in leggings and Sherpa slides so that was immediately suspicious. I let him know that I super appreciated him switching the schedule and letting me spend Mother’s Day with Winnie and he was so nice (like overly nice) about it which was quite different than how he was last year. I filled them in our plans for the day and Winnie was amped and actually excited to leave with me. We strapped her into the car and then Brady stepped in front of my door so I wasn’t able to open it.

“So I wanted to run something by you,” he said.

“K.” I figured he was just going to ask to change our schedule again, that’s how casual he was speaking. And I was so grateful for him letting me have the day that I was open to whatever.

“I am dating someone and I thought you should know,” Brady said.

I just blinked at him so he continued.

“I want you to be aware in case we get more serious.”

“Who is it?” I asked. From what he was saying, it didn’t sound like he was talking about Anna or anyone I knew. And “more serious?” So they were already serious?

“Her name is Kara.”

“Kara?” I repeated in an unnecessarily judgy tone. “How do you know her?”

Brady smirked, like he was enjoying my reaction. “I don’t see why that matters.”

“How long have you been dating her?” was my next question.

“Not very long, a few months or so. But I really like her.”

So he was telling me all of this on Mother’s Day — mid May — and he’d asked me to “work on things” in February. So they couldn’t have been dating that long. How serious could they have gotten in less than 3 months?

“Oh. I didn’t know you were capable of ‘really liking’ anything or anyone,” I said.

Brady grinned, loving winding me up. “Seriously?”

“So has she met Winnie?” I changed the subject.

“Not yet, but she might, which is why I wanted to tell you.”

“Thanks,” I said sarcastically. “Well, we have a nail appointment so we have to go.”

“Okay,” Brady said, but didn’t move.

I told myself I was not going to give him the satisfaction of seeing me upset about the bomb he just dropped, but he was standing in front of my door and I opened it and he didn’t move…so it hit him.

“Jeez!” Brady exclaimed.

“Sorry.” I was totally not sorry. “Thanks again! Bye!”

As I drove back to the city, I dissected everything he’d just told me. Kara, a few months, “more serious.” On one hand, Brady dating someone was a relief because now I wouldn’t have to feel guilty about Brendan. But on the other hand, I felt kind of icky. I didn’t want Brady bringing some random broad into Winnie’s life and then it not working (because let’s be honest, Brady is not a good person in a relationship and he is certainly not going to marry her). What if Winnie hated this Kara person — or maybe worse, what if she loved her? What if she loved her more than me?

When we got to the nail salon, I scoured Brady’s socials for an hour trying to find any indication of the existence of someone named Kara/Cara. I couldn’t find a morsel of anything which makes sense since Brady doesn’t really use any social media regularly. Maybe she wasn’t even on social media. Or maybe she wasn’t even real? I was lowkey spiraling.

Anyway, we went to dinner with Brendan at a gorgeous, bougie little spot I’ve been dying to go to. One of those fancy places with white tablecloths and probably not totally suitable for children. Oh well. I kept telling Winnie all day that she needed to be on her best behavior.

It started off nicely. We ordered literally everything on the menu and Brendan and Winnie gabbed like they always do. One of the reasons I love Brendan is because of how much he loves Winnie. Like, he accepted both of us with no hesitation even though it’s a lot. I’m sure it would be easy for him to find someone who doesn’t have baggage in the form of a toddler. He could probably get with a cute 22-year-old recent college grad (ew) and have an easy life, but he doesn’t and he chose us. Plus he just always thinks of Winnie and considers her with whatever we do and I just love to see it.

In the middle of dinner, I blurted out, “So Brady has a girlfriend.”

“Oh, really?” Brendan said.

“Really?” Winnie said.

“Yeah. Isn’t that bizarre?”

“I mean, I don’t know. Not really?” Brendan said.

“I think it’s super weird. And I think they’re getting serious which makes zero sense,” I said.

“Oh. I feel like that kind of makes sense?” he said.

And then out of nowhere, I started bawling. Right there at the dinner table.

“Really, Mommy?” I heard Winnie say.

“He just dropped it on me this morning, obviously trying to get a reaction out of me. I don’t really care, I just think it’s weird the way he told me. And why would he tell me? On Mother’s Day!” I cried.

Neither of them said anything so I just kept going. “I assumed he was hooking up with his college girlfriend, Anna, but he mentioned some girl I’ve never heard of and wouldn’t tell me anything about her. Just some stranger!”

Brendan was giving me a strange look that was a mix of confusion, horror and judgment. He asked, “Why are you so upset about this?”

“Why wouldn’t I be upset?” I shrieked. “I get that you don’t care if your ex is in a new relationship since she was probably in one the whole time you were married or maybe you never liked each other in the first place, but it sucks!”

It didn’t sound that harsh in my head, but Brendan’s face let me know that perhaps it was a bit harsh.

“Uh, okay,” he said.

“Okay,” I repeated. “It’s fine. I’m not even that upset.”

I pulled myself together and Brendan and Winnie carried on like I didn’t just have a meltdown. Needless to say, dinner was a bit tense after that. So who really ruined Mother’s Day, Brady or me?

We got back to the apartment just after 7 so we chilled for a bit before it was Winnie’s bedtime. Winnie always needs an hour to run around before she goes to sleep so she’s properly tired. Otherwise she will wake up and she will enter my bedroom without warning. I learned that the hard way. I let Brendan take her to bed while I poured us wine so we could drink and hash things out. I assumed he was mad at me since dinner, but he was far too polite to confront me in front of Winnie. Meanwhile I scrolled through every “Kara” or “Cara” on LinkedIn located in the tri-state area. What?

After several minutes, I realized that all of the lights were out and the apartment was quiet. Mind you, it was like 8 PM at this point so there was no way that Brendan had gone to bed already? Didn’t we have things to discuss? I left the wine on the counter and went to find this man. And sure enough, he was in the bed shirtless like he was about to sleep. At 8 PM without even telling me!

“Uh, hello? Are we not having wine?” I asked.

“Uh, no. I don’t want any wine,” he said.

“K.” I joined him on the bed. “Cuz you’re mad at me?”

Brendan said, “Yeah, I’m pissed!”

Oh? In all the years I’ve known him, I don’t think I’ve ever heard Brendan say that and especially not to or about me. We’ve had plenty of disagreements, but he always stays calm and level headed and I was suddenly fearful that I was going to burst into tears again.

“That was such a low blow and I’m sorry, but you crying about your ex having a girlfriend is weird. It’s weird!” he continued.

“It’s complicated having a child together!” I tried to explain.

“I get that, but didn’t you know this was going to happen eventually? Why wouldn’t he get into another relationship, you have?”

I couldn’t tell Brendan that just a few months ago Brady asked to work on our relationship and I considered it for approximately 36 hours, but I was thinking about that in the back of my mind. Or the fact that Brady said he “really likes her” which I’m fairly certain he never even said about me. Or that we’d made out.

“I don’t know, but I feel like him telling me that on Mother’s Day was deliberate and strategic just to ruin my day,” I said instead.

“Do you not see how this is weird?” Brendan asked.

“No!”

“Whatever,” he muttered and flipped over so he was facing away from me.

Seriously?

“I’m sorry about the low blow,” I said.

Brendan said, “It’s fine.” And that made me feel worse because it was totally not fine, clearly.

“Are you still pissed at me?” 

“No,” Brendan said, but still didn’t turn around to look at me.

I felt like a complete asshole as I got up to change into pajamas and do my nighttime routine. And I felt even worse when I got in bed and he cuddled me like I hadn’t been a raging twat all day. I love Brendan literally so much (mainly because I can feel how much he loves me) and I hated that I’d pissed him off, especially over Brady.

I guess I wasn’t exactly surprised when Henderson followed me on Instagram the very next morning. If I actually cared, I would’ve done the same thing! Reagan herself seemed harmless and Brendan didn’t seem interested in any sort of relationship with her so she didn’t matter anymore! Plus, I have that Finsta, remember?

Anyway. Brady was being a huge ass to me on and off. He was super hot and cold. One day I’d drop off Winnie and he would be super dismissive and blatantly say he didn’t want to talk to me and then the next day he’d send selfies of him and Winnie. And occasionally, he’d be really sweet and say stuff like, “You look pretty.”

And it’s like, I have a hot boyfriend who has a rich, skinny ex and a gym instructor who is in love with him so yeah, maybe I did try a little harder this morning. I used to think Brady was so attractive, and I guess he still is, but after reflecting on everything we’ve been through, his personality kind of ruined it for me. Remember when he had dinner with Sydney at her apartment during lockdown and then got mad at me for not being okay with it? What a little fucker.

One day I was killing time after dropping Winnie off while waiting for Lola to text me back. Brady followed me into the kitchen and started chatting me up like he hadn’t asked me to leave him alone while he worked earlier. I kind of ignored him and gave short responses and then finally, Brady was like, “So are we just done then? Is that what you want?”

“Huh?” I spun around. “What are you talking about?”

“I’m talking about us. Our relationship,” Brady said and gestured between me and him like it was obvious.

I stared at him for several moments waiting for him to elaborate or clarify or say he was joking, but he didn’t. Was he crazy or had I just imagined the past two years?

“Uh…I think that ship has sailed,” I said.

“Okay,” Brady said with no emotion.

“Wait, right? I’m confused about what you’re asking.”

He said, “I don’t know, do you want to try to make our relationship work and talk about stuff or do you want to just move on?”

“Do you want to talk about it?” I asked because when has Brady ever initiated a serious conversation?

“Yes,” he said back with a straight face.

Huh??? I had been very much up my own ass lately so for a moment I thought I’d missed something. But no, this was typical Brady — making me second guess myself and question my own sanity.

“If you wanted to talk, why didn’t you months ago?!” I demanded, ready to strangle him.

Brady shrugged, like this was so silly. “You don’t make it very easy to talk to you sometimes.”

I rightfully blew the fuck up then. “When have you ever even tried to talk to me? You ignored me for like a year straight and refused to even have a conversation with me. Like, are you joking? How would you even know I’m hard to talk to when you’ve never even attempted?”

He was like, “See, this is exactly what I mean.”

“What are you on?” I asked seriously. Because obviously there had to be drugs involved for him to be talking like this. At this point, I’d had a new boyfriend for an entire year and now he was asking about working our shit out?

“What? I’m not on anything,” Brady said, clearly offended.

“Crack. It must be crack,” I continued on.

“Ugh, whatever,” he scoffed and then walked off.

Whatever indeed! The nerve! I was seething for the first 24 hours because it’s just like Brady to do this. We had an accidental makeout, he was a complete and utter asshole to me and now he wanted to work on things? Where was this even coming from? Wasn’t he banging Anna? And what, did he think I was just dating Brendan until he was ready to have a serious talk about our relationship? But then once I sat and thought about it, I started to feel guilty. Because had I *actually* given him/us the opportunity to work on things or had I immediately taken the opportunity to get with Brendan? Which, obviously I don’t regret at all, but was that fair to Winnie? I should’ve done everything in my power to keep our family together, right? And for once in his life, Brady actually wanted to talk — was I wrong for not even giving him the chance? Winnie deserved to have her parents together, you know? It didn’t help that Brendan was busy that weekend so I had nothing to do except sit around thinking about what Brady said.

But on Tuesday, Brady went right back to refusing to look at me or talk to me so I got over that.

For Brendan’s birthday, he and his family had a ski trip planned. They fucking would. When Brendan invited me, I let him know that I would absolutely not be skiing so if that was expected of me then I’d have to pass. He said that he just wanted to spend time with me and he didn’t care if I skied or not. I wasn’t trying to be a brat, but all of these people have their own special ski equipment so there was so way I was going to make a fool of myself in front of them. So I agreed to go and spent $1,900 on my own non-ski gear.

The entire trip was low key, but chic and it turns out that Margot isn’t a big skier either — at least she wasn’t that weekend, she said. So we spent a ton of time at the resort together. I was waiting for her to confront me about moving too fast with Brendan or perhaps the New Year’s Eve party — a couple days after the party, Brendan let me know that our showing up to the party “didn’t go down well,” with their families (*put in Nene Leakes’ “Whatever that means” .gif*) but then didn’t want to get into the specifics. Obviously it was because he brought me, but no one wanted to say that.

Danielle was there and didn’t speak to me all weekend except what felt like a snide comment/observation about how isn’t it hard to find so much time away from Winnie? Excuse me?

“Well, she does have another parent, you know,” Brendan said.

“Yeah I know, but still,” Danielle said.

It’s like, who asked you? Mind your own (nonexistent) business. She’s the kind of person who has zero personality aside from being a passive aggressive asshole and those are my least favorite kinds of people. I take back everything nice I’ve ever said about her.

Anyway. I’m sorry for being gone so long. So much is going on. I can’t remember if I posted here, but I bullied Mike into a title change and raise a little while ago. My argument was that I’ve been doing way more than my original job description called for (even outside of covering for Paige) so Mike threw a “senior” at the beginning of my title and gave me a small raise to appease me. But then of course, Mike took that and ran with it and wanted to see a return on his investment, I guess. He put me in charge of a ton of shit, mostly things I have no idea how to do so I’ve had to give myself a crash course in engineering basically. Mike was too busy to teach me anything and obviously Paige was no help. It was really hard and miserable at first and I really thought I was going to quit, but eventually I got the hang of it.

While I was busy taking on more at work, Brendan expressed wanting to take a step back from his company to “focus on other stuff.” I would always tell him that perhaps he’s a bit too hands on (I can’t even count the number of times I’ve caught him literally drilling and sawing at a job site), but he said he hates sitting at his desk in front of the computer. We talked through it a few times and he just kept saying he’s not passionate about the company or anything he’s doing and he’s sick of it. Plus, he wanted to consult for some of the small businesses he’s invested in, like he’s Mr. Wonderful or something. I pointed out that it sounded suspiciously like an early midlife crisis and he agreed.

So I didn’t think he was that serious and was just venting until one day at happy hour, Miguel let it slip that they’d hired someone to take over their business operations, stuff Brendan usually takes care of.

“Oh yeah, I’ll bring her in to meet you this week,” Brendan said.

“Her?” I clarified, suspicious.

“Yeah. Gigi,” Miguel said and did this thing with his eyebrows that made me think she’s hot. “You’ll like her.”

Huh. We’d fucking see about that, wouldn’t we?

In the middle of all that, I moved to a new apartment. I had no plans of leaving our girly pink high-rise, but a place opened up in a building a few blocks away and it has a better layout, more storage and a kitchen to die for. I requested a tour one afternoon, just to see, fell in love and signed a lease later that day. Sure, it’s almost $2,000 a month more than I was paying before, but Winnie and I are happier and I have zero regrets.

I obviously have so much more to say, but I wanted to give y’all a quick update so you know I’m alive. be back soon!

So Brendan was right. Winnie doesn’t know what day Christmas falls on so it didn’t really matter what day we celebrated as long as we had a good time. At least that’s what I had to tell myself to keep from having another meltdown. 

For her birthday, Winnie had a party at school which was a relief for me because I couldn’t imagine hosting all those little mean creatures off campus. Plus Winnie loves her school, her friends and her teacher so it worked out perfectly. I decided to stop by to see what this little shindig was all about. It was very cute at first with all the kids flocking around Winnie and chasing her around and commenting on her dress. I was thinking “Aww, you little living nightmares aren’t so bad.” Most times Sometimes I feel like Winnie is the only kid I want, but maybe a little gaggle of children wouldn’t be so bad. I hung out with Winnie’s teacher in the corner and she filled me in on the latest classroom drama and politics (Winnie is the bossy queen bee, who’s surprised?). She was also telling me other stuff she really shouldn’t have, like whose parents were splitting up and who lost their job. I’m like noted, remind me to never tell you anything personal about myself.

One of Winnie’s schoolmates, a cute tyke named Olive, trotted over to us, grabbed my hand with her grimy, sticky one and then spit a mouthful of chewed up cupcake into it. I screamed. 

“Olive, we don’t do that, remember?” the teacher said in a disapproving tone.

That was my cue to go. I was going to need an antiseptic bath after that. Ugh, do you see why I dislike children?

Later, Brady FaceTimed Winnie from work so they could open gifts together. I sat there eavesdropping to see if he would mention any details about his surprise party or their upcoming trip. He didn’t and she talked his ear off about everything else. At one point he was like, “Is your mom there?”

“No,” Winnie said without even hesitating. I appreciated her strategy — pretending I wasn’t around to see if Brady would talk shit about me.

“Where is she?” Brady asked, sounding concerned.

We couldn’t keep up the charade without him calling some sort of child protection services so I was like, “I’m right here.”

“Oh,” Brady said, sounding disappointed that he wouldn’t be able to report me.

“Don’t sound so excited!” I said sarcastically.

Later, Brendan came over with a big bunch of flowers in a glass vase. It seems like a weird gift for a three year old, but Winnie absolutely loves flowers. She loves our weekly trips to the flower market to get fresh arrangements for the apartment, has a whole flower garden at Brady’s, and would wear exclusively florals if she had her choice. So the birthday bouquet was a sweet and perfect gesture and Winnie gasped and said, “Awwwee!” She’s so cute.

Later we went to dinner where I attempted to passive aggressively belittle Brady’s family’s little Christmas gathering. I thought I was being subtle, but then Brendan shook his head at me like I should stop. I was like, “Wow, he probably thinks I’m such an asshole.” Especially with the context of his parents’ nasty divorce. And I especially felt like an asshole when I dropped Winnie off on Christmas Eve (Brady’s birthday) and Brady greeted me with a gift bag.

“What’s this?” I asked. It couldn’t have been anything for me because we weren’t exactly in a gift-giving place. I hadn’t gotten him anything.

“Just a gift for you. It’s not a big deal,” Brady said.

“I don’t feel right accepting this since I didn’t get you anything,” I said.

“Who cares?” he said rudely. “I said it’s not a big deal!”

Seriously? I felt less bad after that because Brady is also an asshole. I hate the way he speaks to me, like I’m his annoying child.

Anyway. My mom tried to come and visit me for Christmas, but I bluntly let her know that I didn’t want to see her. No, I wanted to sit around alone, feeling sorry for myself with the option to hang out with Brendan if I wanted to. She was a little bit bummed obviously, but kept excitedly asking me to check my mail because she’d sent me something. I kept being like, “Sure Mom, I’ll go check,” but kept putting it off. It was something big because it wasn’t in our building’s normal package storage and I’d need one of the front desk girlies to get it for me. I figured it was some clothes or makeup or something, and waited until Christmas Eve, when I had nothing to do, to pick it up.

Inside the big flat box was a blown up canvas photo of Brendan and me, one that I’d posted as a story on Instagram one night, but then dirty-deleted the next morning because 1. We were drunk 2. We looked drunk 3. We weren’t really social media official yet and my DMs were blowing up with questions. With the picture enlarged so much my eyes looked wonky and my skin looked like shit and the whole thing was hideous.

“AHHHHHH!” I screamed and took the whole box directly to the garbage chute. She’s SO embarrassing and extra. Was this her way of saying she supports Brendan and me now? Why couldn’t she just say that? I know she means well, but she has to stop with the theatrics.

Speaking of Brendan. He felt bad that I was spending the holidays alone and kept insisting I come to his parents’ to spend it with them. I felt weird about joining them for Christmas — especially after all Margot’s comments — and I didn’t want to impose. So I turned my phone on DND, poured some wine and put on Ina Garten. I wanted solitude and to sulk.

The next morning everyone called and texted wishing me a Merry Christmas except Brady and Winnie. Brendan wanted to know if I was coming over. I FaceTimed Brady and he didn’t pick up so I waited a bit and tried again, but this time he declined and said, “We’ll call you later.” Really? It was Christmas morning! It was so rude and inconsiderate — I always allow him to FaceTime the baby whenever he wants. I threw my phone across the room in frustration, but then went to pick it up a few minutes later in case they called back.

I ignored all of Brendan’s texts, (“You coming over?” “Want me to come and pick you up?” “My stepmom is asking about you.”) all of my mom’s texts, (“Merry Christmas sweetie!” “Did you get the picture? I thought it was so cute!”) and just laid in bed mindlessly scrolling TikTok. How was y’all’s Christmas?

Eventually there was a knock on my door and I already knew it was Brendan. Who else would it be — my hot neighbor, Theo? No, it was obviously Brendan — he’d previously charmed the security staff so they always let him up. At least he wasn’t going to just sit around letting me be dead or ignore him.

“Oh, hi,” I said, letting him in.

“Hey! I’m freezing!” Brendan said and I could literally feel the cold radiating off him.

“Come get in bed with me. I’ll warm you up,” I said. I was still unshowered and in pajamas at this point.

Brendan followed me and blabbed about his family and then took off his pants and got in bed with me without hesitation. I love him literally so much. I complained to him about my ignored FaceTime calls and he talked me through it like he always does. I really need to stop acting like such a spoiled, ungrateful wench to him because he always puts things into perspective and then I feel like a total asshole. Oh well.

“So are you coming to my parents’? I’m parked in a bad spot and I feel like I might get a ticket,” Brendan said.

“Yeah, I’ll totally come over,” I said since now I didn’t want to leave his side all day.

Then we proceeded to make out and fool around in the bed for an hour and then I needed to shower, get dressed and put on makeup. And then we headed to Brendan’s parents’ chic house for the rest of Christmas!

I thought it’d be awkward and I’d feel like an interloper at Brendan’s family house, but it was fine and they all welcomed me with open arms…like they literally always do. Margot had a little pile of gifts waiting for me (and one for Winnie) and they all watched while I opened them which was a little weird for me, but kind of sweet. Even Danielle sat there and let me know which things she picked, like she even knows me or likes me! I guess she’s finally getting used to me though because we had an in depth conversation about her career journey and job search while picking at the beautiful charcuterie board Margot made. She was telling me about her degree program — a PhD in…something — but was starting a job on Wall Street in January. Danielle is like, kind of endearingly awkward, I realized and I felt bad for assuming she was a bitch. She’s the kind of girl who makes a ton of self-deprecating jokes even though she clearly knows she’s smart and objectively pretty.

Later on, we were all sitting around drinking wine and I made Danielle tell me about her dating life because this is me and above all else, I am nosy. I asked her what her type is in a partner and she was like, “Ehhh, well,” *awkward cringe/shrug* “I can show you my ex.”

I said, “Oh, perfect!”

And she pulled up a picture of a perfectly handsome guy of Asian descent who was standing on top of a hill. Danielle is such an enigma to me that she could’ve shown me a picture of Marcel the Shell and I would’ve been like, “Yeah, sounds about right!” I don’t know!

Brady never FaceTimed me back on Christmas which really pissed me off because I would never do that to him. I’m convinced he does this kind of stuff on purpose. And of course, they finally FaceTimed me back at the most inopportune time the next morning when I was giving Brendan head in the shower. 🙄

The week between Christmas and New Years was chill and relaxing. I spent most of my time baking random things from Pinterest with Winnie (new obsession: focaccia art) which required lots of trips to the store and lots of cleanup. I went to Brendan’s favorite rowing class with him a couple times and I realized why I hate it so much and possibly why Brendan likes it so much. There’s an instructor girl there who loves him and is always screaming out, “Yesss, Brendan!!! Absolutely killing it in the front row!” in the middle of class. Which I get is just a part of it, but still. And then after class, she always bounds over and gushes, “Oh my gawd, you smashed it today, Brendan, wow!” It’s like, yeah of course he did, he comes here all the time and look at him. And I guess it wouldn’t even be that bad, but she does it when I’m standing right there and says nothing to me. It’s weird and I hate it.

On New Year’s Eve, instead of dropping Winnie off in Connecticut, Brady asked me to meet him in the city.

He didn’t make eye contact with me as he got Winnie out of the car.

I was like, “So do you have big plans for tonight?”

“Yeah, we do,” he said, still not even looking at me.

Interesting. “Ohh, what do you have—” I started, but then Brady interrupted me and said he didn’t have time to talk because they needed to get going. And then he mumbled something as he walked past and shook his head.

Uh, okay. Again, so unnecessarily dismissive. And why was he so annoyed with me anyway? He’d been acting like this with me during our last few interactions and I hated how he still has the ability to make me feel insignificant and small and question all of my life choices. I wanted to just be like, “Fuck Brady, who cares if he hates me?” but I don’t want him to hate me and I definitely don’t want to have a bad relationship with him.

I allowed myself a few hours to cry about it in bed and then I was feeling a little better. And anyway, Brendan’s parents were having people over for New Year’s Eve and Margot wanted us (me) to come over early to help set up and pregame. It was kind of mostly my idea because Margot is like, the ultimate hostess and I was eager to see her in action. She’s always throwing Tulum-themed dinner parties with her girlfriends and Gossip Girl style charity brunches.

One of Margot’s tips about hosting that always sticks with me is that you should always try to have a signature cocktail or two that you can make in a large format and then you don’t have to worry about having a bartender or open bar or anything. So I was in charge of the red and white sangria and by the time the guests started arriving, I was quite tipsy and having a photoshoot with Brendan on the stairs. I’d wait to post these so my mom didn’t get any ideas. I ditched Brendan and went around introducing myself to everyone and mingling with all of Margot’s stay-at-home wife/blogger friends (I want them all on the RHONY reboot, stat).

A little bit later, I was standing with Brendan’s uncle, judging people’s outfits. To be as wealthy as I assume they are, Brendan’s dad and uncle are really humble and down to earth and remind me of my family.

“I’d hate to know how much that dress cost,” Brendan’s uncle said, referring to a woman in emerald green sequins.

“I feel like it’s Stella McCartney, in which case she definitely paid too much,” I said and we cackled.

Brendan came over and found me. Earlier in the day he mentioned going to a different event that some of his friends and Danielle were going to be at and he came to see if I still wanted to go. Danielle was asking.

“Yeah, sure, I guess!” I said, drunk.

“Or we can stay here if you like. I don’t mind,” Brendan said.

“No, let’s totally go!” I was suddenly eager to hang out with people our age and listen to better music.

I threw on my cropped down puffer by Mackage, a cashmere beret and we hopped in an Uber to Soho. The whole time Brendan was texting with Danielle to let her know we were on our way and our ETA. Upstairs at the event, the first person we ran into was Kendall, who intercepted us at coat check.

“Hiiii!” I exclaimed.

“Hey!” Kendall said and then put his arm around Brendan’s neck and like, pulled him to the side. I noticed Kendall subtly whisper something to Brendan and they both glanced at me quickly. I was suddenly insecure and thinking, “Omg, I know I’m drunk, but am I that visibly drunk? I thought I was keeping it cool.”

“You look like someone who needs a drink. Let’s go to the bar,” Kendall said to me.

“God, yes,” I said. Guess I wasn’t being cut off…yet!

Brendan took my hand and we followed Kendall further into the venue where all the partygoers were. Directly to the right of the entrance was a raised up little balcony area looking down at the rest of the party and I looked up to see Reagan, Brendan’s ex-wife, and a hunky Ken Doll type staring down at us. Oh? A second later, Danielle popped up between them and she stared down at us too. Oh.

When we got to Kendall’s table, Brendan leaned over to me and said, “Kendall told me that my ex is here.”

“Uhh, yah! I just saw her!” I exclaimed.

“I did too. Sorry, we don’t have to stay. I didn’t know she’d be here,” he said.

“Danielle didn’t tell you?!” I said, louder than necessary.

“No. She didn’t.”

So this was a set up, I realized. Was Danielle the drama all along? Why would she have pressured Brendan and me into coming, but not mention that his ex was there? I wasn’t sure if I was more offended or impressed. I had no idea she was capable of that or what she was even trying to do. Just when I thought Danielle and I were becoming friends.

“Oh well!” I turned around and Reagan was still staring down at us. Like she’s the queen and we are the village peasants or something. So this was going to be fun!

Brendan passed a drink to me and glanced in the direction of his ex-wife. “You wanna leave or are you good?” he asked.

I scoffed. “I’m good.”

“That’s my girl!” Kendall said, fist bumping me. It’s like, what did these people think? Because Brendan’s ex was there I was supposed to go run and hide like a little bitch? And why was everyone always so shook by her mere presence? At the time I was thinking, “It looks like she’s with her man, I don’t think she’s worried about us.” Spoiler: it was not her man.

One of Brendan and Kendall’s friends joined us: Alexander, who is one of the most attractive men I’ve ever seen. It might be because (through research) I discovered he had a huge glow-up and didn’t get hot until a few years ago. In pictures, he was always the chubbier kid with bad hair and acne, and now here he was in a maroon tailored suit, sleek hair and a full beard, looking like a snack. And he had a quiet and mysterious look about him (kind of like Brady). I loved him. He had just gotten back from an extended stint in South America so I needed to talk to him about that. Speaking of Brady!

“Someone I used to be close to is obsessed with South America and spent like four months in Peru even though it was only supposed to be like a month or something. And this someone probably wasn’t even in Peru the whole time because they are shady as shit,” I said.

“Yeah,” said Alexander, not following. “I mean, I get it because Peru is great. Patagonia…”

Anyway. I could feel Reagan’s eyes on the back of my head and I ignored her for as long as I could, but then finally, I turned and looked back up at her. You know how when you get caught staring at someone, you look away because otherwise it’s weird? Yeah, Reagan didn’t do that. She saw me catch her, we made eye contact and she continued staring. Even when the plastic looking man she was with began talking to her. Was she trying to be intimidating? Because it wasn’t working. It was maybe slightly aggressive, but I was not intimidated. With her big blue eyes and sparkly cocktail dress, she was far too adorable to be intimidating.

I was still having a full blown conversation with Alexander, I realized, and he was telling me about his pregnant-yogi wife who he went backpacking through South America with.

“She sounds like a badass,” I said. 

Eventually Alexander had to leave (to go home to be with his pregnant wife, of course) and by that point, Kendall’s “sneaky link” had shown up. She was super cute and apparently ditched her friends to come hang out with us. When I first met Kendall, he would always complain about being single and woe is me, but he has a new hottie every month.

I turned to face Brendan and realized that I was very drunk.

“We should get champagne for the countdown,” I suggested.

“Yeah, I can go grab a bottle and bring it back,” Brendan said.

“No! Don’t leave me!” I exclaimed. It’s not that I was intimidated by the staring, but I did not want Brendan to leave my side…just in case.

“Aww, okay,” he said and grabbed my hand, thinking I was being cute.

We started to weave our way to the bar and we were ambushed by Reagan’s boytoy.

“Heyyy Brendan,” he cooed. He was walking back from the bar and I could tell that Brendan did not plan on speaking to him. Up close, I could see that he was super tall (taller than Brendan) and had poreless skin, stiff hair and over the top veneers. 1000% gay.

“Oh, hey Henderson,” Brendan said, visibly uncomfortable. “How’s it going?”

Henderson! What a chic name!

“Fantastic! I just started a job at a new firm and it’s been kicking my ass, but I’m obsessed with it,” Henderson said.

“Ohh, nice,” Brendan said politely.

“I talked to Danielle. I can’t believe she got that amazing gig! I mean, I can believe it because she’s a rock star, but still! You know?” Henderson went on.

“Yeah, I’m really proud of her.”

I stood there waiting to be introduced, but Henderson kept talking a mile a minute like he’d been dying to catch up. Brendan kept inching toward the bar, but Henderson wouldn’t take a hint.

“So that was my biggest sale to date. I was floored when the offer came in, like what?” Henderson was saying.

“Congrats, that’s really awesome. Especially in this market,” Brendan said.

And that’s when Reagan slithered over and joined us. First she glanced down at my hand in Brendan’s and then she took the glass of wine from Henderson and started sipping. She didn’t say anything to anyone and I almost wasn’t sure if Brendan even noticed she was there. I’d actually never been this close to Reagan in person. And up close, her eyes were huge, like cartoonishly big, like a Disney princess or something. And she was so tiny. Ridiculously thin with spaghetti arms that had zero fat or muscle definition. My mind went to the engagement ring she was hanging on to — and how it probably wouldn’t even fit on Winnie’s chubby fingers. What?

“If you know anyone who’d be interested, send them my way. I need to give you my new email, don’t I?” Henderson was saying to Brendan.

I felt Reagan staring at me again, but she looked away this time when I caught her. I was so annoyed that she had been watching me all night, but now that I was in front of her she wasn’t going to say anything. She wasn’t even going to introduce herself?!

“Hey, I was looking for you guys!” I heard Danielle say as she joined our group.

Oh, for fucks sake.

Brendan gushed and hugged all over his sister, and it’s just like, dude I know you love your sister so much, but you do realize she set this whole thing up hoping for disaster, right?

Finally, with Brendan distracted, I turned to Reagan and said, “Hi, I’m Reese.”

She paused before saying, “Reagan [her non-married last name].” Her voice was raspier and sexier than I imagined.

“I’m Henderson [last name]!” Henderson said, like he hadn’t been ignoring my entire existence for the past several minutes.

Why were they giving me their full names like I was supposed to Google them later (which I absolutely was going to do)?

“Well, it’s so nice to meet you guys,” I said, sweetly.

“Likewise,” Henderson said. “And cheers! Hopefully next year is just as spectacular as this one.”

“Speak for yourself. Some of us had pretty shitty years,” Reagan said, looking pointedly at Brendan. 

It’s like, what could Brendan have possibly done to make her have a shitty year? As far as I knew, the divorce had been done and dusted the prior year so if she had a bad 2022, she needed to look inward.

Henderson put his arm around her and started petting her.

Danielle and Brendan joined back in our conversation and Henderson was like, “So how do you two know each other?”

Before either of us could say anything, Danielle piped up, “They work together,” like it’s the most apparent thing in the world. Funny how someone who normally has nothing to say was suddenly so outspoken about other people’s business!

I couldn’t even help myself. “Yeah, I’m the bimbo with a baby from work.”

“What?” Brendan said, putting his hand on my back and chuckling awkwardly.

Reagan made a face — a half smile, half grimace — and I wondered if she got my reference. Slutty single mom remember?

“Oh my god,” said Henderson, laughing. What the fuck was he laughing at? Did he even get it?

We all looked at each other, saying nothing.

Maybe she did get what I was referring to because moments after my comment, Reagan spun around and walked off without saying anything and Henderson followed her. Danielle told Brendan that they were going to another party and we were welcome to join.

“I think we’re probably good,” Brendan said, laughing.

“I think you’re probably good too!” Danielle giggled.

What was that supposed to mean? She was the one who started all this!

I was sort of on edge the rest of the night waiting for something else to happen. Everyone had hyped Reagan up to be this big bad wolf and besides a bit of a staring problem, she seemed fine to me? She and Brendan didn’t even acknowledge each other or look at each other.

But nothing else happened. Brendan, Kendall, his girl and I continued getting wine-wasted until 1 o’clock in the morning. I loved kissing Brendan at midnight and I said some mushy, gushy stuff to him that makes me want to cringe now. But not really because I freaking love him so much. In the car on the way back to his place, I vaguely remember Brendan apologizing for all the awkwardness and me yelling at him because it wasn’t his fault and it wasn’t even that awkward! And stop apologizing! You know, typical Brendan/Reese behavior.

The more I thought about it, the more annoyed I was that Brady was annoyed with me. I was less than 15 minutes late, for starters, and his first instinct was to be mad at me — but what if I was hurt or something was wrong? I could’ve been dead in my apartment for all he knew! And since I was back on good terms with Brendan, I had nothing but time and energy to fight with Brady.

That afternoon I texted him, “I hope you enjoyed yelling at me this morning. Since that’s the way you want to be, any and all contact needs to be made through my publicist.”

He read my message immediately, but waited until later that night to like my message but not reply. Brady didn’t reply at all and I knew things would be awkward on Saturday when I went to drop Winnie off. Like I mentioned before, Brady and I were on like, the best terms and would text all the time throughout the week. My suspicions were confirmed on Saturday when I dropped Winnie off and Brady wouldn’t even make eye contact with me. Leave it to Brady to be weird!

“So what are y’all getting into this weekend?” I asked nicely, trying to smooth things over.

Brady shrugged. “Not sure.”

“Okay, she’s been wanting to watch this new movie on YouTube so maybe you can watch that with her,” I suggested.

He nodded and said nothing.

“Also, we discovered she loves cantaloupe this week so definitely get some when you go to the grocery store. She’ll probably remind you,” I added.

Brady walked past me silently. So I rolled my eyes and followed him.

“Why are you being weird? I was joking when I texted you.”

“I’m not being weird,” he finally said.

“Okay, well are you mad about Brendan? Because—”

Brady made a face and said, rudely, “What? No, I’m not mad about Brendan. I don’t give a fuck what you do, you know that.”

“God, you’re an asshole,” l said.

I stormed the fuck out of there and added him back to the top of my shit list.

That night, Brendan and I went out for dinner and drinks at his favorite restaurant on the corner of his street that we always go to. We were there for hours just talking about everything and drinking glass after glass of wine. He mentioned that he hadn’t heard from his mom at all since she went home to Florida, but she and Danielle still talk regularly. Brendan mentioned that he thought she was overly critical for someone who has been out of his life for so long which I thought was a shady, but real thing for him to say. This got us talking about our relationship and our little hiatus, which we hadn’t discussed in depth yet (just “I missed you,” a ton). Brendan said he was afraid that maybe he truly wasn’t ready to move on and everyone was right — and that’s why he thought space was good too.

“What? Afraid?” I repeated. Why was I just hearing of this?

“Yeah. I was with my ex for most of my life so it would make sense that I’d need time before I was ready to move on to another relationship,” Brendan explained. “But it was so bad at the end that I was ready to move on a long time ago.”

I was glad to hear that at least. I asked him to clarify what he meant when he said “it was so bad at the end,” thinking he was going to shut me down. But to my surprise Brendan actually started telling me about it: fighting about any and every thing and then Reagan would tell her father every little detail and then the dad would confront Brendan about it (an example he gave was one night asked her not to leave the Nespresso or something out and she asked why and he said “because it annoys me.” The dad called him the next morning to lecture him about why that is the wrong thing to say to your wife. V petty). He said she’d go away without him a lot (no invite obvi) and he found himself feeling relieved that he would have a break from her and all the bickering. He said he had a feeling she was hooking up with someone else (because he heard stories 💀) but he could kind of understand since they hadn’t been “intimate” since the whole lying about birth control/trying to get pregnant scheme. I know Brendan is much more understanding than me, but huh?? He could understand getting cheated on after she lied? And then he went into what I thought was the juiciest part: she refused to give her engagement ring back after the divorce so Brendan was keeping a Rolex she got him as a gift one year.

“Obviously the ring is worth way more than the watch, but I guess it’s all I can do,” Brendan said.

Obviously? Wait, how much was this ring worth? It’s not like Rolexes are cheap or even affordable. This was the most interesting part of everything he revealed to me. She refused to give the ring back? You can just do that?

At this point we were the last customers in the restaurant and the staff was stacking the chairs on top of the tables. But Brendan is the kind of guy who goes out of his way to talk to all of the employees and chefs and stuff so they all know and love him there.

“She sounds, like really awful. Does it bother you that your sister is still good friends with her?” I said.

Brendan shrugged. “I don’t want anyone to have to pick sides. They’ve always gotten along really well.”

Again, way more understanding than me. What about loyalty? I don’t have siblings, but if I did and they insisted on still hanging out with my terrible ex, it would be war! Can you imagine?

The first thing I did when I had a chance was go straight to Instagram to try to find this ring that I couldn’t stop thinking about. Reagan had curated her Instagram feed like she’s Kim Kardashian or something, but I was able to scroll back and find a picture where she was sipping from a mug and the ring was on full display. It was really gorgeous — no surprise there — solitaire diamond (huge) with a skinny band. I wanted it for myself and resented her for holding it captive.

Winnie and I spent Thanksgiving in Houston with my family. She’d never been to my hometown and hadn’t met a good chunk of my extended family so I figured it was time. It was an overall pleasant trip — my mom was on her best behavior and only pried a few times — aside from Winnie being scared of one of my grandmothers because she was mean to her. There aren’t any other small children in the family so my grandmother isn’t used to being around a brat. She said something like, “Put that back,” to Winnie in an adult voice and Winnie burst into tears. It’s kind of funny when I think about it now. She’s just like me.

Brady and I slowly got back on good terms. I don’t mind the occasional disagreement, but not speaking for weeks and months on end is just uncomfortable for everyone. Once I decided I was done fighting with him, I started buttering him up until he finally started laughing at my jokes again and texting me back. We didn’t get back to the way we were before (which is probably good considering the whole kitchen makeout and all), but we were both being super flexible and accommodating about our unofficial schedule — he had plans one weekend and I happily kept Winnie, stuff like that. How it should be! When we agreed on our schedule months ago, we said we wouldn’t change the schedule for holidays, but we’d reevaluate that as needed. So at the beginning of December I started asking Brady how he wanted to handle the holidays. To me it made sense for Brady to celebrate with Winnie during the week (+her birthday) and I should get to spend Christmas weekend with her. The only family he really has is his mother and he doesn’t even like her so… Is that mean?

Brady kept being like, “Yeah sure, holidays, we can figure it out once it gets closer.”

This should’ve been a red flag — Brady is not a “figure it out as it gets closer” kind of person. But I thought nothing of it. And I guess worst case scenario, we could just celebrate all together like we did last year.

I got a text message from Anna. I don’t remember ever exchanging numbers with her or saving hers, but the message popped up with her full name.

It read, “Hi Reese! Hope you’re well. I’m reaching out because I’m hosting a surprise birthday party for Brady later this month and wanted to make sure I extend the invite to everyone important to him. Can you think of anyone to be sure to invite? Of course you’re more than welcome to come and bring along anyone you’d like. Here are the details…”

What? First of all, I’d forgotten all about Anna, as I always do (What? She’s forgettable), because it’s not like Brady ever talks about her. So were they officially together? Why would she ask me to help with the guest list? It’s like, I don’t fucking know who to invite, we aren’t friends! I was sitting at happy hour with Brendan and Miguel when the message came in and Brendan said, “You look upset. You okay?”

“I’m fine!” I said brightly and put my phone away. I hadn’t spent any time with Brendan in a few weeks because he was so busy and this was not about to ruin my night.

I couldn’t stop thinking about it though. Anna was throwing Brady a surprise birthday party. Would he even like something like that? I couldn’t picture it. Maybe he would and that’s why he loves Anna so much more than me. And why did she have the audacity to invite me to the surprise party like I wanted any fucking part of that?

I wasn’t even going to reply, but later on I couldn’t help myself. Brendan and I were laying in bed after I’d bossed him around during sex and then he got a phone call that he needed to take from his computer. As soon as he left the room, I pulled out my phone to text Anna back.

“What made you think it was a good idea to ask me who to invite? Brady and I are barely friends and I don’t know anything about his life since we broke up. Invite whoever you want, it has nothing to do with me,” I said.

She didn’t reply. Obviously. There was nothing she could say back to that. It was silly to ask me!

The following week, Brady casually let me know that he and Winnie had Christmas plans with his family and it would require travel so he wouldn’t be able to make any changes to our schedule.

“Uh, okay? Were these last minute plans because I’ve been trying to get you to make plans with me for weeks?” I said.

“Nope, they aren’t last minute plans,” Brady said defiantly.

“Why are you just now telling me then? Because of Anna? Are you mad about that?”

“Mad about what? What does Anna have to do with anything?”

Oh. It made sense that Anna hadn’t told Brady about our conversation since it was all about his surprise. And I wasn’t cruel enough to ruin it for him so I pivoted.

“Where are you going anyway?” I asked.

He said that they were going to Massachusetts to meet Hunter and his family — and they were leaving early on Christmas Eve morning so please be on time.

“Oh, fuck off. I’m always on time,” I said. The nerve of that guy.

It took until the next morning for the realization to set in that I wouldn’t be spending Christmas with my daughter. And there was really nothing I could do about it. Of course this was always going to be a dilemma since Brady and I share custody, but I hadn’t prepared myself. We’d decked out the apartment, had a fully dressed pink and white tree, gifts galore and we weren’t even going to enjoy it together. Brendan was already on his way over since we were going to a class together and as soon as I started telling him what happened, I started crying. Like, full meltdown sob-crying. Y’all know me. Brendan was saying the only things he could say, the only thing that made sense like, “At least you get to spend her birthday with her,” “You can celebrate with her on another day,” “What about next year?” “You can spend Christmas with me and my family.”

And it’s just like, that’s not the point. Of course, I started whining about how unfair it is considering Brady didn’t even want Winnie and he doesn’t care about holidays or family and he was only doing it to be hurtful.

Brendan said something like, “I know you’re upset, but I don’t think that’s the case. Just know she’s going to have a good holiday whether she’s with you or not and I think that’s all you should be concerned about.”

I rolled my eyes. I didn’t ask him to come through with facts and level-headedness.

“You’re right,” I sniffled. “I’m still sad though so I think I need to skip rowing today.”

What? I fucking hate that stupid class!

I knew I left Brendan thinking, “What the fuck?” but truthfully I was thinking the same thing. It’s hard to describe how I felt, but space seemed good. I told myself I’d take a day or so to try to get my thoughts and feelings together and then I’d reach out. Fights with Brendan always feel so devastating and final, but they never are.

A couple hours later though, Brendan texted me. He said, “I’m sorry I didn’t say more earlier, but I agree with you. Take all the space you need.”

Uh, excuse me?? Now I was really confused. I definitely wanted to be on the same page, but I hated the idea that he was allowing me to take all the space I needed. No! Grovel and beg for me to come back! So now I was really mad at him — not that he would’ve known since we weren’t talking. The ball was in my court I guess, but I really felt like he should be the one trying to get in touch with me.

The following week, things were still silent and Winnie wanted to know what was up.

“Brendan is at his house. So he can’t play with you,” I explained.

Winnie gave me a skeptical look like, “Wow, so you scared another one of my favorite people away?”

It was absolutely fine though because Winnie and I probably needed to spend some quality time together (without the buffer of a man) anyway. I could pretend that her bad attitude and behavior had nothing to do with Brendan’s absence. After I put the baby to bed, I sat on the couch, pulled out my phone, and sent a meme to Brendan on Instagram. It was my way of showing him that while I was still mad, I wasn’t that mad and I was waiting for him to reach out to me.

But he didn’t reply. He didn’t even open it. Not even the next morning when he was firing off work emails. Oh, so he was alive? Was I being ignored? I was suddenly angry again — it was like he was the one who wanted space and if that was the case, why didn’t he just ask?

I spent the weekend incessantly checking Brendan’s Instagram for signs of life, feeling sorry for myself and unsuccessfully trying to pick a fight with Brady. On Monday morning, I sent an email and got an out-of-office bounce back from Brendan. Oh? It was one of those vague ones like, “I’m currently away and have little access to email. For urgent matters please reach out to Miguel or Yesenia.” So where the fuck was he? He never mentioned a vacation to me.

Miguel showed up to the office in the afternoon. He wanted to talk about this project that has been giving us nothing but trouble and I was like, “I thought I was working with Brendan on that,” snottily.

“He’s out of the business right now so I can help you with that,” Miguel explained like I am three years old. “Is it cool if I help you?”

“Yeah, totally,” I said, feeling bad. I wanted to ask him exactly where Brendan was, but Mike was standing right there.

Later on in the afternoon, Miguel was in a separate meeting that I wasn’t in and I texted him, “Want to get a drink after this?”

A few minutes later he texted back, “Yeah, let’s do it.”

Don’t ask me what I was doing because I don’t know. I think because I missed Brendan and wasn’t speaking to him, Miguel and his proximity to him was as good as I was gonna get. We walked to a nearby bar, one that we had to walk down some steps to get to, and Miguel put a hand on the small of my back to guide me. Hmm. As long as he didn’t get the wrong idea it was fine.

We ordered drinks and I started interrogating him about his wedding and his relationship and the usual. Y’all know me. He was just giving the same old generic answers so then I was asking what his least favorite thing about Jasmine is and what they normally fight about. Basically, I needed to know if he was aware that Jasmine liked to let sketchy men grope her for drugs — not that I was going to blow up my girl’s spot if he didn’t know.

“To be honest with you, Reese, I don’t have any complaints. I couldn’t wish for a better relationship,” he said.

Oh please!

“I know it sounds crazy, but I always told myself I wouldn’t get married unless I felt like this. And you know it took me a long time to find her…”

It was sweet, I guess, if it’s all true. I would love for someone to speak about me the way they speak about each other. Speaking of which, eventually I was like, “So where’s Brendan?”

“Brendan? I don’t know. He didn’t tell me where he was going, just that he needed some time off. I think he’s getting burnt out,” Miguel said.

“Oh. So he didn’t go on vacation somewhere?” I asked.

“I’m not sure. Want me to text him and ask?” 

“No!” I exclaimed. Was he crazy? Don’t even tell him we hung out!

“Uh, okay,” he said.

The next morning I woke up hungover. I nearly forgot about hanging out with Miguel, but then I checked my phone and saw that he texted me.

“I hope you’re feeling better. Let me know if you want to talk,” he said.

Feeling better? Talk? And then I remembered crying on Miguel’s shoulder all night (literally crying) and complaining about my life. He’s so sweet, he just sat there and listened to me. He even offered to cancel his plans with Jasmine to stay and hang out with me, but that was my cue to go. How embarrassing and awkward.

I thought at least word of my tantrum/meltdown would make it back to Brendan and he would finally call me. I figured he’d probably want to know why I was hanging out with his business colleague and making him uncomfortable.

But nope. Nothing. Nothing! If I wasn’t so upset with him I would’ve been concerned that he actually was dead or something. But I knew he wasn’t dead — clearly — he just didn’t want to talk to me. I started having a recurring dream about our last conversation and with each iteration Brendan would get increasingly more mean and nasty. I’d wake up in a cold sweat.

Meanwhile, Mike and Paige were pissing me off. We were under pressure to wrap up our projects before the end of the quarter and they were hounding me about every little detail. I was a bit…distracted and having trouble keeping organized. I found myself scrambling before meetings as I tried to quickly gather information and follow up with people. I tried to help myself by deleting Instagram from my phone (so I didn’t sit there scrolling through Brendan’s, Danielle’s and Reagan’s profiles), but it didn’t actually help because I’d just open a private desktop tab and do it there.

That Saturday I dropped Winnie off with Brady and since I didn’t have anything better to do I stayed hanging out with them until after dark. Brady was being particularly nice (and he had been since crashing my birthday dinner) and ordered dinner for us. We watched movies and played games on the floor and honestly, it was a good distraction. I didn’t even think about Brendan until I was headed back to the city. Kristina texted wanting to hang out but I ignored her.

The next week, I guess I was getting used to the new normal. Brendan and I weren’t speaking and, as far as it seemed, over, but that didn’t stop me from checking his Instagram and LinkedIn every hour on the hour. I was barely staying afloat with all of my work and my inbox was out of control (I normally organize my messages by project or sender or urgency and… that wasn’t happening). Every time Mike or Paige asked for something that should’ve been done days or weeks before, I’d have to drop everything to quickly do it, but then I’d still stop and check Brendan’s LinkedIn to see if anything was updated. It never was and I was driving myself insane.

On Wednesday morning, Brendan finally emerged from hiding. He sent a one word reply to an email with the signature “Sent from my iPhone.”

It’s like, oh you’re alive? Well, fuck you! I read it forty three times trying to decode a secret message or his whereabouts, but to no avail. And since the message wasn’t particularly insightful and wasn’t addressed to me, I couldn’t even reply.

Trying to get additional scoop, I texted Miguel. I wasn’t going to outright ask, but was Brendan now “back in the business?” He provided no clarity and was like, “Let me know if you want to get drinks later. Jasmine and I have a ballroom dance class tonight and I wouldn’t mind being a bit buzzed for that.”

Hmmm. No. As fun as that sounded I was not about to risk humiliating myself again. I didn’t reply. Hopefully Miguel found a shot or two of whiskey on the way to the dance class.

On Saturday, Winnie and I hopped in the car and headed to Brady’s. We’d gone to breakfast at Starbucks and grabbed a to-go coffee and pastry for her dad. I wasn’t thrilled about having to drop her off for the weekend (usually I don’t mind a bit of a break), but at least they wouldn’t care if I hung out with them for a bit.

It started off like always where Brady asked Winnie about her week and I criticized the state of the home (“Oh, you still haven’t been to the grocery store?”) Brady was asking me if I’d heard about things on the news and I was being mean to him like usual. We turned on a movie and Winnie fell asleep and I should’ve left, but then Brady and I continued sitting there talking. We weren’t even talking about anything at all interesting, but I was glad I at least didn’t have to go back to my lonely apartment right away.

We took our conversation to the kitchen so Winnie could sleep I guess. I don’t even know why Brady wanted to talk to me since I was all doom and gloom and being a bitch. But secretly I think he sort of likes me being mean to him because he kept grinning and laughing and we were kind of flirting.

So we were standing there drinking pamplemousse La Croix and I could feel that Brady was standing dangerously close to me.

“Oh, shut the fuck up,” I said to him.

“Okay,” he said.

And then he leaned in and I put my hand on the back of his head and we started making out. Huh? What the actual fuck? Brady? What was happening? And my body was acting like this was normal (the hand on his head, pulling him closer). I think I just wanted to feel something after moving like a zombie for the last few weeks. But I still felt absolutely nothing. It felt like making out with my hand. It was like that Ava Max lyric: “She’ll kiss your neck with no emotion.” That was me. I could feel Brady getting a boner against my stomach and he continued leaning into me so the edge of the counter cut into my lower back and that was all I could focus on.

Eventually I pushed him away from me.

“What are you doing?” Brady whined like a child.

“I’m leaving,” I said.

“Now? But why?” he continued whining.

“Because I want to go home,” I said with no explanation.

So then I left Brady and his boner and headed back to the city. I didn’t feel particularly bad or guilty or anything really, just zombie-like. Lola sent a selfie of the two of us with the caption, “Miss you!” I ignored her.

I spent most of Sunday in bed even though I told myself I was going to catch up on work. I had been avoiding my inbox and I was not in the mindset to address it. I ordered Shake Shack for lunch, but took one bite and lost interest.

On Monday morning, I got up and dressed and headed into the office for another miserable day of work. But to my surprise, Brendan, Mike and Miguel were standing in the lobby of our suite. Mike looked small and ugly compared to Brendan and Miguel, but they all looked like they meant business. I waltzed right over to them and said, “Hi Brendan!”

“Hey Reese,” he said back, smiling at me.

“Reese, we were waiting all day on Friday for an answer from you and we still haven’t gotten a reply,” Mike said to me.

What the fuck was he talking about? I had no idea.

“Okay, I’ll reply now,” I assured him.

“That would be great,” he said, no-nonsense.

I lingered for a few seconds waiting for someone to talk to me before eventually going to my office to see what Mike was talking about. I was sure to leave my door wide open, just in case anyone wanted to stop by and see me. I sifted through my email and found the chain from Mike. He and Paige were asking if a vendor partner would be able to work with our extremely tight project timeline — a vendor I hadn’t even contacted yet. Oops. So I needed to figure that out asap. I kept an eye and ear on the door while I tried to get an answer for Mike and several agonizing hours went by.

Eventually, Brendan popped his head in my door. I was just sitting there staring at the door so it kind of startled me. He looked cute with his little backpack on.

“Hey, good seeing you. I’m heading out,” Brendan said. Behind him, I could see Miguel lurking and talking on the phone.

I glared at Brendan because really? Good seeing you? After nearly a month, that’s all he had to say to me?

“What?” he asked.

“Nothing. Goodbye!” I said.

“Okay. Bye.”

Obviously that tripped me up and I couldn’t concentrate for the remainder of the work day. I figured out the answer for Mike so at least that got him off my back but my inbox continued piling up.

As I was leaving the office at 6, I texted Brendan saying, “We need to talk.”

I had been waiting for him to reach out to me, but of course that motherfucker was still acting mute.

“I would love that,” Brendan said, which I appreciated. I left him on read while I tried to think of how I wanted to handle this and then he said, “I’ll be home later if you want to stop by.”

I definitely did. So I dropped my work stuff at home, went to an express Pilates class then came back home to shower and change. Then I called an Uber Black to take me to Brendan’s apartment. I don’t know what I was expecting from our conversation, but considering I’d been depressed since the last time I was at his place, I hoped we figured out something.

My virtual key was apparently still working so I let myself in and found Brendan and Kendall sitting on the couch playing a video game on the PlayStation or Xbox or whatever.

“Reeeeese!” Kendall said excitedly without even looking up from the TV.

“Hi,” I said.

Brendan looked at me out of the corner of his eye and nodded, but didn’t say anything. Whatever. They were playing some sporting game and I watched from the armchair.

“How’ve you been?” Kendall asked me.

“I’ve quite literally never been better,” I lied and he grinned, again not even taking his eyes off the TV.

Brendan kept glancing at me out of the corner of his eye and I was getting antsy so I took a few laps around the apartment. Nothing looked out of place and there were no stray panties or anything so that was good.

Finally the game ended, Kendall hugged me goodbye and then Brendan and I were alone. He was sitting relaxed on the couch wearing a Fear of God Essentials hoodie and kept looking at me timidly.

“I thought you wanted to talk,” I said bitchily even though I was the one who suggested it.

“I do. I thought you did too,” Brendan said.

And then I just broke down and started bawling like the crazy insane psychopath that I am. Like full blown chest-quaking sobs. Brendan finally got up from the couch so he could hug me and comfort me.

Neither of us said anything while I tried to calm down and then finally I managed, “I don’t understand. Why. You haven’t talked to. Me,” all hiccupy and sobby.

“Uh, because you said you needed space,” Brendan said, confused.

“I did and you agreed! But don’t you think you had enough space by now?” I said.

“I have, have you?” he said.

“Yes!” I screamed. “But you didn’t even act like you wanted to talk to me!”

“I was giving you space, Reese,” Brendan said calmly. “I don’t know how else to do that besides give you space.”

“For three weeks?!”

“I…didn’t know how much time you needed. I deliberately didn’t reach out to you when I wanted to so I could respect your boundaries,” he explained.

Brendan and these boundaries! I don’t remember asking for my boundaries to be respected.

“But you agreed! You wanted space from me? Why?” I demanded.

Brendan explained that he thought he made me uncomfortable or overwhelmed with how he expressed how he feels about me (maybe a bit but I love it) so he wanted to back off. I let him know that I didn’t appreciate going from 100 to 0 and I missed him and was very unhappy (understatement of the century) when we weren’t speaking.

“Well, now I feel like shit about that,” he said.

I totally shouldn’t have let him feel shit about it when I was equally at fault, but…oh well. I felt like shit too.

Eventually Brendan was like, “So what do you want? You have to really spell it out for me because I’m apparently not good at reading your mind.”

I smirked and let him know that I want to be with him for literally ever and didn’t want anyone questioning that and I definitely didn’t want to go 3-4 weeks without speaking. He was like yeah totally, I agree with everything you said, but am I freaked out about that?

I shouted, “Obviously!”

Ugh. I was so relieved to have made up with him. It’s kind of scary how off the rails I was when we took a break and I don’t know what to do about that. I mean, I guess I could’ve just been upfront about my feelings and wanting to talk to him, but I wanted the space and I think my reaction told me everything I needed to know.

We stayed up all night talking and having makeup sex and eating chocolate in bed. I closed my eyes at five thirty so I could get a couple hours of sleep before I needed to go home and meet Brady and Winnie. I woke up with Brendan spooning me and my phone blowing the fuck up. Eddie, my doorman, had called, Brady had called and texted, left a couple voicemails and was actively calling again. Apparently he was outside my building.

“OMW!” I texted him back and then screamed and cried, jumping out of the bed.

“Are you okay? What happened?” Brendan asked, thinking someone had died probably.

I explained what was going on and how Brady and Winnie were going to kill me and he offered to drive me the 18 or so blocks back home to meet them. I felt like such an asshole pulling up with Brendan, but I wasn’t even thinking about the fact that Brady and I were making out in his kitchen a few days earlier.

When we arrived, Brady and Winnie were standing outside his car with Eddie standing guard and I barely let Brendan put the car in park before I hopped out.

“Reese, are you fucking kidding me?” Brady greeted me.

“Oh my God, I am so sorry! I don’t know what happened,” I said.

Brady glanced behind me and said, “Oh, really? You don’t know what happened?”

Brendan, not reading the room or atmosphere whatsoever, had followed me out of the car and said, “Hey, good to see you,” to Brady.

I wanted the ground to open up and swallow me. I wanted to die! Brendan and this “good to see you” bullshit!

Winnie was apparently more excited to see Brendan than me and hopped over to hug him.

“You too,” Brady said politely and then gave me a disappointed look like I’m his child. “I’m late for work now so thanks.”

“Sorry,” I said meekly.

I turned around and Brendan and Winnie grinned at me — at least everyone didn’t hate me.

Brendan and I went to Miami to celebrate my birthday and the end of summer. Brendan loves Miami for some reason and I realized that I really don’t enjoy Miami. Our accommodations were lovely (a high rise condo in Brickell) and we ate a ton of amazing sushi, but the vibes were completely off. Is it me or is everyone in Miami very fucking weird? Their faces are all blown up with fillers and they vape at dinner and don’t even attempt to recycle. One night we were sitting at a restaurant bar, drinking espresso martinis and people watching. And even though the bar was full, the bartender girl (whose boobs were in danger of falling out of the bottom of her crop top), only wanted to talk to us. It’s not like we were being extra talkative or fun or anything so why us? She wanted to know where we’re from and where we went for dinner and to know if we needed recommendations for where to go later after the bar? She was going to a lounge a few blocks away that plays hip hop music, she let us know multiple times, and it’s like, girlfriend, the only thing I’m doing later is going upstairs to love all over my man.

Another night we stayed in, opting not to go out after dinner (probably because of how much I complained about everything and everyone the night before). It was perfect: sitting on the balcony with good wine and my boyf, breathing in fresh air and not blueberry and cotton candy flavored smoke!

And I guess it was a bit too perfect so I brought up his ex-wife because I know they used to go to Florida/Miami together a lot. I don’t think I’ll ever get over Brendan taking me places he used to go with his ex. He told me how her family has a house in Boca or something and it was an easy go-to. He was telling me about how they’d spend a ton of time on all the boats and jet-skis and blah blah blah. 

“How fascinating!” I said. “So what happened at the wedding? You said she was in a bad mood, what does that mean?”

Brendan said, “Is that really what you wanna talk about?”

“Yes. Why do you always get so cagey about your ex? I think it’s weird,” I said.

“I don’t know. I think I still have some guilt about the end of our relationship.”

“Why would you feel guilty? Isn’t she the one who cheated on you?” I pointed out.

Brendan said, “And I care about her and respect her enough not to talk about that kinda stuff, you know?”

Really? She cheated on him and fucked him up emotionally but he still cares about her? I felt myself getting worked up and I took a sip of wine.

“I hope that’s okay. I just think it’s best if we don’t get into the details,” he went on.

Was it okay? I don’t know, but it didn’t seem like I had much of a choice. When I talked to Kristina about it later, she suggested that maybe he’s not allowed to talk about it. His ex and her family probably don’t want everyone knowing about her indiscretions. They’re apparently so rich, maybe they paid for him to keep his mouth shut. I don’t know.

So that was Miami. I hated it.

After I got over my uneasiness about his ex, Brendan and I had an amazing few weeks. He was spending a lot of time at my place with me and Winnie and I was thoroughly enjoying playing house. And maybe Brendan was too because one night he came up behind me and put his hands on my stomach like we were having a maternity shoot or something.

“Stop,” I said, pushing him off. 

And even though I was laughing, it’s like, no literally stop, don’t even joke like that.

One day at the end of September, Brendan called me randomly in the middle of the afternoon to tell me that his mother was in New York. This was around the time that big hurricane hit Florida so she had to evacuate and was spending some time in the city. Brendan never talks about his mom (except that one time he shared the wild story of her pulling a knife on his dad) and as far as I knew, they don’t have much of a relationship.

“Oh,” I said once he shared the news. “Is that a good or bad thing?”

“I don’t know,” Brendan said back. “I just haven’t seen her in so long. I had no idea she was coming.”

“Like how long?” I asked.

“I haven’t seen her since my high school graduation…so like 15 years, I guess?”

“Oh my God!” I exclaimed. I know I don’t see my parents as often as I should, but 15 years?? (God, we’re old) In my head, I started calculating just how much time that was. He had gone through two other graduations since then, not to mention gotten married and probably a ton of other important life events. And it’s not like she lives on another continent — she lives in Florida! No wonder Brendan sounded so weirded out.

“I know. It’s super weird. We’re all supposed to go to dinner later and I’m not sure if I want to go,” Brendan said.

I had a ton of questions, mainly why hadn’t he seen his mother in 15 years — was it a conscious decision? If so, on whose part? As a parent, I can’t imagine not seeing my kid for that amount of time. It’s like, half of his life almost! But Brendan didn’t need me interrogating him, he just needed my support.

So I was like, “You should definitely go. It’s been so long! It’ll be nice to see her and catch up!”

“Yeah, you’re right. I’ll go,” he said, not sounding completely convinced.

I made him come over after dinner to tell me all about it. It went a lot better than expected, he said, and I was right (duh) — it was nice to see her and catch up. He explained a bit about why they stopped communicating: at first it was because he was a kid and felt abandoned when his parents split up and his mom moved away. But after a while, his mom just stopped reaching out. I’m not in any position to judge anyone obviously, but yikes.

“I hate that,” I couldn’t help saying.

“I know, but it’s cool. I think she’s trying to make up for lost time now so that’s good,” Brendan said. 

“She’s aware that the lost time is her fault, right?” I said.

“It’s not just her fault, it was definitely both of us.”

And it’s like, how could it be his fault? He was a literal child. But it was not my battle to fight. Brendan is way more understanding and forgiving than I am. I was still icing my own mother out for how she behaved during my birthday. We both can’t have mommy issues.

Brendan and I didn’t see each other for a few days and then that weekend, he invited me to a late lunch with his sister and his mom. Oh? They must’ve really been hitting it off! I was like let’s do it then, I was totally down to meet her. I walked in thinking, “This lady should probably thank me since I talked Brendan into repairing his relationship with her.” I went in all confident, thinking I was going to be the queen of lunch.

It started off really nicely. Brendan’s mom called me “beautiful” and hugged me which is a stark contrast from my own mom telling me that I needed to put on my makeup and get my hair done. Granted, I had actually put on a bit of makeup and gotten highlights by then.

“He won’t stop talking about you so I figured I may as well meet you!” Brendan’s mom said. Somehow, she was exactly what I expected. Sporty and pretty with thin Florida eyebrows and shiny skin that has gotten way too much sun.

“Oh,” I said, feeling like it wasn’t exactly a compliment.

Danielle was short as usual, but I wasn’t even worried about her because I feel like that relationship is beyond repair and the ship has sailed.

We all sat down and the girls were fussy about everything; the placement of the table, the QR code menu, the temperature of the sparkling water, etc. And even though it was annoying, I thought it was kind of cute how similar they are. They’d bonded over being high maintenance!

We mostly small-talked while we waited for the food with a few what I thought were innocent questions sprinkled in here and there.

“I heard you have a baby. How old is she?” Brendan’s mom, Tracey asked.

“She’s almost three,” I said and told them stories about my silly, crazy child. Even Danielle cracked a little giggle when I told them about Winnie’s new favorite move — gasping and clutching her chest at every minor inconvenience, which gets Brendan every time.

“I always think something bad happened,” he piped up.

“In her world, it did,” I said.

“Where’s her dad? Were you married?” Tracey asked.

I thought it was a bit of a personal question, but my mom is nosy too so I get it.

“Oh, no. We were never married. He lives in Connecticut. Winnie spends most weekends with him,” I said.

Tracey said something like, “Good thing you didn’t waste your time getting married,” and I was like, “I know right!”

We went on talking about Winnie a little bit more and then we started talking about work and I did what I do best: gossip about others.

“No one can be scandalized by me and Brendan anymore when Mike and Paige are clearly hooking up,” I said.

“I really don’t think they’re hooking up,” Brendan said.

Tracey then began asking about Brendan’s company and asking if he still enjoys it (questions I never thought of asking and I learned that he only thinks “it’s okay”) while subtly getting the timeline of when we started dating. I didn’t realize what she was doing until after the food came out — she and Danielle both sent meals back and it had to be re-delivered, I was mortified — and then she said, “So you two got together fast.”

“That’s what I thought too,” Danielle chimed in.

It’s like, excuse me girl, you suddenly know how to speak?

“I don’t think it was that fast,” I said. I’m not even sure how they came to that conclusion based on anything we told her — especially considering Brendan and I were friends for years before anything happened.

“I mean so fast, Brendan, you’re probably wondering if that baby is yours!” Tracey said and started scream-laughing. Danielle started cracking up and Brendan and I stared at them, horrified.

“Uh, no,” he said.

“She looks exactly like her dad — who is not Brendan,” I said, getting defensive.

Tracey took a moment to settle down and then noticed we didn’t find her little comment funny. “I’m only joking.”

“I thought it was fast because Reagan was going to invite you to Napa, but you were already dating her,” Danielle said.

“Her” has a name.

Tracey leaned toward Danielle and whispered, “Oh, I just love Reagan.”

Reagan is Brendan’s ex-wife, if you hadn’t caught on. And it’s like, you’ve been gone for 15 years lady, do you even know Reagan?

“I do too,” Danielle said.

“We weren’t together then,” Brendan said.

“But wasn’t she at Dad’s birthday?”

Okay, I’m not sure exactly what they were talking about (Reagan wanted to invite Brendan on a trip across the country????), but Brendan’s dad’s birthday dinner was hardly when we started dating. Yeah, we might have gotten drunk and made out, but I was definitely still hooking up with Brady after that. The dad’s birthday dinner was in the summer and Brendan and I got together in the fall.

“All I know is, I had to see a psychiatrist before I could start dating after my divorce,” Tracey said. 

“That’s not a bad idea,” I mumbled.

“I really don’t like this salad,” Tracey said.

“I don’t like mine either,” Danielle agreed.

I turned to Brendan. “I can’t.”

“Can’t what?” he asked.

I nodded toward the little trolls across the table. “It’s completely rude. Like Winnie could be your baby?”

“I’m pretty sure she was joking,” Danielle said though I was not talking to her. It’s not like I was really trying to whisper, but still.

“Yeah, that wasn’t cool,” Brendan said, agreeing with me.

“Well, I’m sorry,” Tracey said. “I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings. It was a silly joke.”

“It’s fine,” I said.

It was not fine.

Needless to say, there was a bit of tension in the air the rest of lunch. I didn’t know if I was more mad at Tracey, Danielle or myself. And honestly, I was embarrassed. Here I was thinking I was going to waltz in there and have Brendan’s mom fawning all over me and instead she made it clear she was judging our relationship, like just about everyone else. And her opinion shouldn’t have mattered (15 years, remember?) but I was totally feeling some type of way.

Once we finished lunch Tracey invited us all to visit her in Florida and said, “I’m sure Brendan told you that I just got a place on the water!”

I wanted to be like, “Nope, the only thing we’ve talked about is his trauma after you abandoned the family.” Or maybe Reagan wanted to go visit her in Florida. She jUsT lOvEs ReAgAn. Then she gave me her business card because she sells essential oils in an MLM. No fucking thx. 

Brendan and I had plans of walking a few blocks to meet Kendall and a new girl he was dating (not the hottie 25 year old to my disappointment) for drinks. Brendan invited Danelle to tag along and she declined, thank God. 

“My girllll!” Kendall said, hugging me.

“Oh, I’ve had a day!” I said dramatically.

I hadn’t seen him a while at that point and I was dying to gossip with him about Brendan’s mom, Danielle and Reagan. But it, of course, wasn’t the time or place. I conducted myself like normal all night (well, as normal as a girl like me can be in a craft brewery).

“You okay?” Brendan asked at one point.

“Yeah, but this beer tastes like sperm,” I said with a smile.

“Okay,” he said with an awkward Chrissy Teigen face.

We stayed out until about midnight then headed back to Brendan’s. Then we proceeded to stay up all night having marathon sex. Brendan’s alarm went off early in the morning because he’d finally talked me into going to a rowing class with him. He got out of bed to shower and I laid there like a cadaver until he got out.

“You’re so cute,” Brendan said, getting back in the bed to snuggle with me. I continued just laying there and he was like, “You okay?”

“No,” I said.

He pulled away so he could look at me. “What’s wrong?”

I’d been thinking about it all night so I just blurted out, “Should we cool things off for a while?”

“Huh?”

I continued on. “I feel like it’s probably too much too soon.”

“Do you think so?” Brendan asked.

“Yeah. I mean, everyone keeps saying it — your mom, Margot. And honestly, that’s why I didn’t want you to meet my parents a few weeks ago because I knew they’d say the same exact thing.”

“Oh, I didn’t realize you didn’t want me to meet them.”

I continued on. “And don’t you think it’s weird that just last year you were married to someone else — who as of January 17th, you still thought was the love of your life — and now you say that same shit to me!” I was tempted to tell him about my mom’s second wife comment, but figured it was unnecessarily cruel.

Brendan pulled away from me and sat back on the bed. He looked cute in his head to toe Lululemon. “Yeah, I get it. It’s weird.”

“Right.”

“So you think it’s too fast? Because of what my mom said? If I would’ve known what my mom was gonna say, I would’ve never suggested lunch,” Brendan said.

“It’s not just about your mom. It’s about everything,” I said.

He watched me while I finally got my ass up and began to get dressed. “So what do you want, space?”

“Yeah, I think so.” I wasn’t sure what I wanted, obviously. 

“I’m kinda confused right now. I don’t really know what to say except I’m in love with you.”

“I mean, literally same Brendan, but that’s the problem. It’s freaking me out.”

“Uh, ooookay,” Brendan continued watching while I gathered my things to leave and then finally said, “Are you leaving right now? Do you want me to call you a car?”

“No, I can walk!” I snapped at him, irrationally angry that he didn’t talk me off the cliff.

I think between my mom’s visit, all of Margot’s various comments, Brendan refusing to talk about his ex-wife (but admitting he cares about her/what was this Napa thing??) and then his mom showing up out of nowhere, I was feeling insecure about our relationship. And it seemed like he was just letting me feel that way. He didn’t do anything wrong necessarily, but he wasn’t exactly helping either (letting Margot talk shit about us and then grabbing my stomach like he wants a baby!!). So yeah, I needed space to think. I left him there confused and walked home looking like sex and last night, but at least I got out of that rowing class.

**I’ll be back super soon to continue, I have sooo much more to say! Love you all!!**

My parents decided to come visit for my birthday. I’m not sure if I mentioned it here, but I’ve been avoiding my mother for the past few months. Mostly because the only thing she ever wants to talk about is Brady and the only thing I ever want to talk about is Brendan. She called me one day and suggested the trip and I told her that I’d need to check my schedule and get back to her. I didn’t have any plans yet, obviously, but I wanted to hang out with Brendan.

She kept reminding me to check my schedule and let her know because “Dad needs to ask off work,” and I kept ignoring her. Eventually, a few weeks before the trip she texted me saying, “I went ahead and bought flights for dad and me to come to New York for your birthday. We get it on Sunday and are staying until Wednesday. We’ll get a hotel.”

Ugh. Obviously I was happy that Winnie and I would get to spend time with my parents, but I was so not looking forward to hanging out with my mom. I knew she would have questions that I didn’t want to answer.

The week after the wedding, Brendan tested positive for Covid. After all that, the wedding turned out to be a superspreader event? Thank God I’d been disinvited! Luckily, his symptoms were mild and I hadn’t seen him since well before the wedding so I was fine.

I trotted into the office on Wednesday for a day full of meetings and as I was setting up one of the conference rooms, Mike poked his head in and gave me a funny look.

“Reese…do you need to take a test?” he asked me.

When he first said it I just assumed he meant a pregnancy test and I was thinking, “Wow, I really shouldn’t have eaten so many Pop-Tart bites this morning.” But then I realized he meant a Covid test. Because of Brendan.

“I took one yesterday. I’m good,” I said.

That was the first time Mike acknowledged my relationship with Brendan (to me) and he did it in such a Mike kind of way.

“Okay,” he said.

He was standing in the doorway and Paige slid past him into the room. They both looked at each other blankly as she passed him, but didn’t say anything which felt really weird to me.

“Hey! Need any help?” Paige asked me and over her shoulder I saw Mike walk away.

Wait…Mike and Paige? They’re both married, but somehow it made sense to me. She’s definitely out of his league, but there’s something kind of sexy about his pompous demeanor and Big Dick Energy. I’d hate-fuck him for sure.

“Yes please!” I said. “Ugh, Mike just came in and confronted me about taking a Covid test since Brendan has Covid. I haven’t even seen Brendan in like a week!”

“Any excuse to yell at someone in the morning,” she said. “I’m not even surprised.”

I knew she would take the bait and use this opportunity to talk shit about Mike, rather than anything else. She’s been bad mouthing Mike every chance she gets lately. So that’s something that needs investigating.

By the weekend, Brendan was feeling better but knowing that I would be spending time with my parents and baby soon, I still wasn’t comfortable seeing him. Plus, I needed some time alone to mentally prepare myself. My mom was going to question me about Brady and my weight and my hair and my finances and any other intrusive topic she could think of. So I wanted to be ready for that.

I met them at their hotel and the first place my mother wanted to go to was the Vessel at Hudson Yards which she’s been seeing all over the internet. After spending $4K at the luxury stores in the mall there, we sat down for lunch. My dad commented that he likes what I’ve done with my hair.

“Is that the new look these days?” my mom asked with a big smile.

I haven’t been to the salon in forever so my hair has grown out and half of it is my mousy light brown natural color. I’ve been too lazy to get it done, but I also don’t hate the way it looks.

“I guess so,” I said. 

“And the no-makeup look?” she continued on. She was decked out complete with falsies and lipstick while I’ve been sticking to just mascara and brows most days.

“Yeah. I’ve been focusing on skincare mostly,” I told her.

“Are you using new products or finally getting lasers?” my mom went on.

“Do you think I need lasers?” I snapped at her.

My dad turned to her, amused, to see how she would talk her way out of this one.

“No, not at all. I think your skin looks wonderful,” my mom said. “But do you know what will help you look less tired? Carrots. You need to eat more carrots.”

She blathered about how she can tell that I haven’t been eating any vegetables or anything nutritious and did I want her to look for appointments at the salon so we could do something about my hair? Rude. Then when I wasn’t really biting she said, “So we will do your birthday dinner at 6 on Tuesday. I booked it for 5 in case you want to bring anyone special.”

“Like my boyfriend?” I said with a straight face.

“Brady?”

I scoffed. Who? “Brady? No.”

“Oh, I hadn’t thought of inviting Brady,” my dad chimed in.

“I’m sure he would want to celebrate with us,” my mom said sweetly.

“I don’t want him there so don’t bother inviting him,” I said.

My mom was already pulling out her phone and said, “I was going to call him back later anyway. We thought we’d spend the day with Winnie tomorrow while you’re at work, wouldn’t that be fun?”

The way my mom changed the subject so fast, I thought she wasn’t going to bring up my “boyfriend” comment. And I wasn’t going to elaborate further if she didn’t ask — my mom has somehow convinced herself that Brendan left his wife for me, even though I’ve told her multiple times that that isn’t the case. After lunch, they wanted to take a stroll down the High Line which took hours because they stopped every five seconds for pictures.

Eventually we dropped my dad and the shopping bags back off and then my mom and I wanted to get drinks before dinner. On the walk there, my mom asked, “So are you dating Brendan now?”

I paused before replying, “Yeah.”

“Well, I’m quite disappointed to hear that,” she said.

“Uh, why? He’s like the nicest person ever and if you got to know him, you’d actually really like him,” I said back.

My mother shook her head. “You shouldn’t be with someone like that.”

“Like what?”

“Divorced, separated, whatever. You don’t want to be someone’s second wife. Because you certainly won’t be his last,” she said, like she knows anything at all.

“What are you talking about?” I exclaimed. I was on the verge of freaking out and my mother stayed calm. “Second wife? We aren’t even there yet.”

“Has he met Winnie?”

What did that have to do with anything? “Yes.”

My mom stopped walking. “I think that’s highly inappropriate.”

I just stared at her.

“Especially if what you’re saying is true and you aren’t talking about being together long term. He’s just some random man to her. There’s no reason they should be getting to know each other and spending time together,” she said.

“What?” I was just so confused. I knew she was going to have a big reaction to Brendan (hence not speaking to her for months on end), but I didn’t expect her to go down this path. Inappropriate? Like I’m fourteen fucking years old?

“And I don’t even understand what happened with Brady. No one ever explained that to me,” she said in a voice like it was all so ridiculous.

“I don’t understand either!” I blew up at her. “All I know is I was depressed all of last year and now I’m happy and finally feel like myself again!”

“Oh, love, I didn’t know you felt depressed,” my mom said, softening.

“Yeah because you were so worried about Brady!”

“I’m sorry about that. I just know how much you both love each other so I wanted to help.”

I squeezed my eyes shut so I wouldn’t cry.

She said, “I’m happy if you’re happy. Do you want me to meet Brendan?”

Was she fucking joking? After all that? She was never going to meet him. “No!”

So needless to say, I was sick of my mom after the first day of the trip. She kept me out until midnight that Sunday because she wanted to skip around the bars in Midtown. After yelling at her earlier, I felt too guilty to tell her I was ready to get away from her.

On Monday morning they called and let me know that they’d coordinated with Brady to pick up Winnie so they could spend the day with her. That was fine with me. I wasn’t able to take off work to hang out with them (nor did I want to, let’s be honest) plus I was having lunch with Brendan.

Brendan texted me just before lunch and let me know that his meeting with the contractors at his new apartment was running long and why don’t I meet him there so I could see the progress? It had been several months since I’d seen the place in person so I gladly hopped in a cab to meet him.

I arrived and Brendan greeted me wearing his used car salesman uniform: polo with his company name on it tucked into slacks. But at least he’d chopped his summer hair off and the fuckboy hair was back. He looked adorbs. The place looked a lot different than the pictures I’d last seen. The flooring was in (a stained oak picked out by yours truly) and the kitchen was completely done (definitely not the all white marble kitchen everyone is doing these days). Because it’s me, I walked around critiquing the completed work (if I’m moving in I’m expecting perfection), he thanked me and then we walked to lunch.

After thinking about it all day, I felt bad about how things had gone with my mom. It’s like, she doesn’t try to be annoying, she just is. So by the time my parents came to get me for dinner at my apartment, I was feeling re-energized. My mom walked in carrying a big white and black bag from Sephora and shoved it at me.

“I picked up a few things for you while we were out!” she announced.

I peeked in the bag and saw boxes from Estée Lauder, Charlotte Tilbury and Tatcha. Really?

“Mom, I don’t need any makeup!” I screamed at her.

“Oh, I know you don’t need it, but I wanted you to have it just in case,” she said, proud of herself.

“I have plenty of makeup, I choose not to walk around with a full face every single day!” I explained.

“Okay, I’m sorry,” she said, finally getting it. “I’m just used to you having a more glam look.”

“God, you’re rude,” I mumbled and she pretended not to hear me.

The next evening was my birthday dinner and my mom made reservations at a chic little Italian restaurant near the Flatiron building. She wanted me to meet her early so we could have drinks at the restaurant beforehand (I reintroduced her to espresso martinis and she’s obsessed). I was starting to forgive her for all her antics this trip, but then my dad, Winnie and Brady walked in.

“Mom!” I screamed at her as they walked over.

“What?” she said back.

“I didn’t want him here!” I whined.

“I didn’t invite him, Winnie did,” she sniffled.

Yeah because Winnie knew the time and details of dinner. I felt so betrayed by my mother — I’d even done a full beat for her!

“Hi, Reese,” Brady said, handing me a gift bag. “From Winnie and me.”

And why did he even want to be here anyway? Didn’t he have anything better to do than hang out with his ex’s family? And then he leaned down and hugged me like we’re friends or something.

“From me!” Winnie squealed.

We headed to the table and Winnie, always passionate about seating arrangements, dictated where everyone sat. She sat me across from her and next to my mom and placed herself right in between my dad and Brady.

“I want pasta,” Winnie announced to the group.

“You’re gonna have pasta,” I said, no nonsense.

“You can have whatever you want, honey,” my mom cooed. “And we have a cake coming later for your mommy’s birthday.”

Winnie screamed and danced in her chair at the news of impending cake. I shushed her and my mom elbowed me.

“She’s not hurting anyone.”

It’s like, she’s hurting my ear drums! And since no one wanted to be the bad guy, Winnie was on her worst behavior at dinner. She was whining and hitting and screaming. Very embarrassing. At one point, she was standing up in her chair and reaching to grab something off the table. Brady, who was sitting right next to her, was too busy gabbing with my parents to even notice.

“Uh, can you get her down?!” I yelled at him across the table.

“Oh, yeah. Sure,” he said like he was doing me a favor or something!

And of course Winnie was sad after that and sat in Brady’s lap and pouted. Brady looked at me and shrugged and then when he thought I looked away, he made this goofy smirking face. Really? You weren’t even invited, dude.

And anyway, it was my birthday so why were they paying so much attention to Brady? They were so interested in his job and staff (no one asked me about my job) and it’s like, Brady’s job has never been interesting so stop. I was beyond annoyed with the whole situation.

My parents offered to pay for the meal and then when the check came out, my frugal father started checking it line by line and of course found a mistake. My mom started flagging down the server obnoxiously and I was not about to sit there while they quibbled over the check.

“I’m gonna go outside for a smoke,” I announced to the group. “Winnie, do you want to come with me?”

“Okay, honey,” my mom said, not even batting an eyelash at my smoking comment. I don’t fucking smoke!

“We’ll both come with you,” Brady said. 

I rolled my eyes at him, but didn’t object as he helped carry Winnie and my various gifts outside with us to wait for my parents.

“You look pretty,” Brady said to me as we stood there and it had my mother’s name written all over it. She’d guilted me into putting on a full face of makeup and now Brady was complimenting me? When’s the last time he’s complimented me? She definitely put him up to it.

“Thanks,” I said, not believing him.

“Do you have any other plans for your birthday?”

I side-eyed him. “Actually yes. I’m going on a trip this weekend. But you already knew that, didn’t you, stalker?”

Brady laughed (a little too hard if you ask me) and said, “Stalker?”

“Stalker?” Winnie repeated.

Ugh. So yeah, my parents trip was kind of a disaster. Am I the asshole?

I tried not to take Margot’s comment personally, but obviously that’s exactly what I did. If I didn’t have a child and so much baggage, Margot probably wouldn’t care about Brendan getting into another relationship. And why was it suddenly an issue? I’d celebrated holidays and birthdays with them and gone on family trips with them and they welcomed me with open arms and now suddenly it wasn’t a good time for Brendan to get into anything serious? A bit late for that, Margot!

Despite all that, I was still going to Maine with Brendan and his uncle. I felt uneasy about the whole thing — like maybe I shouldn’t go after what Margot said. But she wasn’t going so I guess it wouldn’t be an issue.

We took Brendan’s uncle’s small plane all the way to Maine and I don’t know if I’ve mentioned that I’m not a fan of small planes. Especially now that I have a daughter to live for. It was so claustrophobic and loud and it didn’t help that Brendan’s uncle, who has been bourbon drunk on every occasion I’ve met him, was driving the plane.

“Is this…safe?” I asked as I peeked uneasily out the window.

“Yeah, why wouldn’t it be?” Brendan said.

“I don’t know…what if your uncle suddenly just dropped dead?”

He smirked. “You don’t think I could land this thing myself?”

No idea, but I totally trust whatever Brendan says. Anyway, I guess I don’t need to confirm that even though the plane and driver were a bit dicey, we were fine. Vacation time!

We didn’t really have any plans except Brendan and his uncle would be doing an early morning fishing session the next day, so we grabbed food and headed to the shabby beach cabin. This place was a lot more rustic and lived in than their other family vacation house. Like, Brendan’s bedroom actually had pictures up and memorabilia and personal belongings everywhere. It was so cute!

So we sat down in the kitchen and ate our sandwiches while Brendan’s uncle talked shit about his wife. I love hearing about other people’s relationship drama so I was invested and sat there hanging on to every last word. And then I couldn’t even help myself — I started asking questions and giving a ton of unsolicited advice even though I’m the last person who should be doing so. Oh well.

Later on, when it got dark, we sat outside on the back porch drinking wine while I told them graphically detailed true crime stories.

“…and they said she was practically decapitated and her brains and tissue were everywhere,” I was saying.

“Ugh, Reese, please. You can stop now,” Brendan said.

His uncle chuckled and I sat there, satisfied with my spooky story.

The next morning, Brendan woke me up just as the sun was coming up. He was leaving to go fishing.

“I’ll be back before you even wake up,” he said, kissing me. “Love you.” (🥺🥺🥺)

“Bye!” I said and rolled over to go back to sleep.

But then, after laying there for approximately three minutes trying to fall back asleep, I shot up in the bed. There was so much stuff in the bedroom and I had the sudden, insatiable urge to go through it all. Not Brendan’s little backpack with his work stuff (that would be an invasion of privacy) but everything else was fair game. I flicked on the bedside table lamp and started going through the drawers of the big, old school desk. They were filled with a bunch of bullshit like batteries and old phone cords and books. I was pleased to find a framed picture of Brendan and his ex-wife at the bottom of one of the drawers. Judging by their outfits and her eyebrows, I gathered that it was taken when they were at high school prom. Tragic. She’s honestly very cute, but with her blonde hair and blonde eyebrows, super far apart eyes and big black eyelashes, it was giving Sid from Ice Age. After dissecting the picture for ten minutes, I put everything back and headed to the closet. There I found a big, black safe (a gun safe which I don’t love), coats, sticks used for some sport, another framed wedding photo and a box of condoms shoved in the back. Such a safe king.

Later in the morning, Brendan and his uncle came back and they looked at me like I was supposed to entertain them. I couldn’t help them unless they were looking for another disturbing story.

Brendan suggested a hike after lunch because there were so many things he wanted to show me, but I was like, “No, this is sunbathing weather.” It’s like he doesn’t know me at all. So I changed into an olive green two-piece, grabbed a beach towel, and headed down to the little private dock. It all reminded me a bit of Ozark where everything has a blue/green tint to it. But slightly more chic. I spread my towel out and got comfortable.

A few minutes later, Brendan joined me. He didn’t bother changing into his bathing suit and his hair was pushed back with a headband — he’d grown his hair out a bit which he calls his “summer hair” and I hated it until I realized how much he loves it.

He whistled as he stood over me. “You’re smokin.”

“Thanks, now take off your shirt and join me,” I said.

Brendan peeled his shirt off and got on my towel with me and soon, we were making out. The dock was loosely surrounded by trees so it was fairly private and this was about as nature-y as I was going to get. Brendan hiked my triangle bikini top up so my boob flopped out (anyone with tits knows how unflattering this angle is) and it was very scandalous, laying there exposed while Brendan kissed me all over my body. Like I said, the dock was pretty secluded, but what if Drunk-Pilot-Uncle came out? Not my issue. So I laid there soaking up the sun while Brendan felt me up and kissed all over my body and I was thinking, “This is the life I deserve.” And I really thought we were gonna do the deed right there on the dock, but then Brendan pulled away from my squirming body and pulled the top back over my boob.

“Ugh, keep doing that,” I groaned.

“Later,” he said with a grin.

In the meantime, Brady and I were on speaking terms again. After I went through his messages (hello, 2014) and confronted him about Anna, he ignored me for a week or so and then started being cordial again like nothing happened. And while I was in Maine, he sent me a message that said, “Are you with Brendan?”

Um, excuse me? I was, in fact, with Brendan! I figured he was being silly and cheeky (since I’d asked him questions about hanging out with Anna like it’s any of my business) so I ignored him and thought nothing of it.

But then I noticed every time we talked he brought up stuff that he shouldn’t know, like he’s been spying on me.

“Have you ever shopped at the store Mejuri?” he texted me.

Was it a coincidence that I was just looking at Mejuri.com the night before and the tab was probably still open on my phone? Maybe.

“Yeah. Why? Gonna buy something for aNnA?” I said.

“Nope. Just wondering. I saw an ad and it seems like something you’d like,” he said back.

Weird. Another day, I dropped Winnie off and was asking about what they had planned to do and eat. And Brady said, verbatim, the name of a recipe I’d pinned on Pinterest a few days earlier. Also weird. He brought up search terms I’d used on Zillow (sometimes I like to look up vacation homes and Brady said something like, “When you move into your cottage…”) and a restaurant I’d gone to for a client lunch. It freaked me out. Maybe it’s all just a coincidence or maybe he somehow found a way to track my phone activity. But not only does that seem farfetched, but if he saw some of the horrible, nasty things I text people about him, I doubt he’d ever speak to me again!

Anyway, Brendan and Miguel were going to a bachelor party in Mexico so Jasmine and I made plans to get dinner and drinks. After hanging out that one day, we’d been keeping in contact through Instagram — turns out, we’re interested in the same things: talking shit about the Kardashians and influencers, puppies and recipe reels.

We decided on sushi and Jasmine let me know she wanted us to meet up with her friends in the East Village afterwards. Jasmine is like the most beautiful person ever and was wearing denim shorts with a leather jacket (which she later took off and tied around her waist — chic) and throwback Givenchy shark lock boots. I hounded her with questions about Miguel and their wedding and honeymoon plans since we didn’t get a chance to talk about it before. She seemed super nonchalant about it all which I get because people are probably always questioning her like I was.

“Honestly, as long as I get to marry the love of my life, I don’t care what kind of wedding we have,” she said.

Barf, but I guess it was sort of cute. She mentioned that Miguel’s family was paying for everything so she’d basically relinquished control to Miguel’s mom and sister. She doesn’t mind though because they have great taste. Since we were already on the topic of weddings, I thought it was the appropriate time to do what I do best and try to fish for information about Brendan’s ex-wife.

“Well, I only met her once,” Jasmine said, “ And never saw her again so that should tell something.”

That made me feel better, like at least I’d won Jasmine over or something. And I know it’s not a competition or anything, but she did call me a slutty single mom.

After dinner, we took an Uber to the next place which was a packed Asian restaurant/lounge with a DJ. Jasmine’s friends were three dudes who looked like they probably sell drugs and regularly get high on their own supply. I wasn’t aware that it was going to be that kind of night so I turned around to the bar and ordered shots.

“You look like you’re gonna puke,” one of the guys, Ramsey, said after I took a tequila shot. 

“Oh, shut up,” I said, rolling my eyes.

I had no intention of hanging out with a bunch of unsavory dudes so I didn’t pay any attention to them, but that was fine because they were all focused on Jasmine. They were all pawing all over her and fighting over who got the “next round for the girls.” Like I said before, Jasmine is super gorgeous so I was shocked and appalled that I turned around at one point and Ramsey had his arms wrapped around her and was kissing her neck. Huh? Wasn’t she just gushing about the hot love of her life, Miguel earlier? And Ramsey is ugly. All of these dudes were ugly. Ew.

Jasmine rolled her eyes at me playfully, pretending to be annoyed by him, but why didn’t she push him away from her? He had tattoos covering the back of his head, neck and ears and I was skeeved out by the whole thing.

Later on, we went to the bathroom and by then, I’d had enough to drink to let her know what I thought of her weird and not cute friends.

She pouted. “But they have the best coke.”

“Jasmine!”

She was dead serious. And for some reason, I felt strangely protective of her after that, like girl, you are too cool and pretty to be desp for drugs from creeps. Absolutely hate that for her. 

The following Tuesday, Brady stopped by to drop Winnie off. I was so excited to see my baby — I love my crazy girl so much! Brady and I made snarky small talk (it’s just the way we are now) and then he asked, “Hey, you didn’t take Winnie to eat sushi, did you?”

Sushi?

“No, why?” I said back, suspicious.

“I don’t know. She was talking about sushi and I’m not sure where she would’ve heard about it,” he explained innocently.

I glared at him.

“What?” Brady said.

Coincidence or was this motherfucker genuinely stalking me? I avoided my phone all together for about two hours before I forgot and carried on with my life.

A few months ago, Brendan invited me to go to a wedding with him for the same friend who had the bachelor party in Mexico. He mentioned it a few times in passing; a black tie wedding out on Long Island somewhere. I felt like it would be like my official debut to all of his friends so in the back of my mind I knew I wanted to get something new and fabulous to wear, etc. Truthfully, I was just excited to do something with Brendan that made us feel like a real couple and I was secretly hoping he’d get a haircut for the occasion.

One night we went to Brendan’s favorite neighborhood cafe for dinner and then walked back to his place for a nightcap. He poured us delicious red wine from his stash and we took it to the couch. 

We were having such a great time and then Brendan was like, “Oh, I was talking to my stepmom and she thought maybe it’s not a good idea for you to come to the wedding.”

Oh? Why was Margot suddenly insistent on starting beef with me? And we’d just had a conversation a few days prior so what the fuck happened?

“Uh, okay. Why?” I asked.

“Just because it’s very likely that my ex will be there and she thought it might make drama or something. I don’t know.”

Me? Drama? Bullshit! Considering I didn’t even know these people who were getting married nor did I care about the wedding, I was shocked by how upset I felt myself getting about being uninvited. I hadn’t even bothered finding anything to wear!

“Okay…that’s fine. I don’t really care,” I said.

“Okay, good. I’m sorry. I really want you to come, but she’s probably right,” Brendan said.

“And you don’t have to tell me everything Margot says, you know,” I added.

“Oh.” He looked surprised. “Right, okay. Sorry.”

I got up, grabbed my wine and phone and locked myself in the bathroom. I didn’t want Brendan to see me crying about a wedding I didn’t care about for people I don’t know. But I felt so betrayed by Margot. We’d spoken for an hour earlier in the week (mostly about Winnie) so why wouldn’t she have brought it up to me then? Why was she putting ideas in Brendan’s head like a sneaky snake?

Thirty minutes later, Brendan sent me a text that said, “You okay?”

I swung the bathroom door open and walked back out. “Sorry, I fell asleep.”

“Wanna get in bed?” he said, oblivious to my meltdown. He’s so fucking clueless. 

But then we got in bed and he climbed on top of me and patted below my eyes like he was trying to wipe my tears.

“I’d like to go to sleep, please,” I said, deadpan.

“Okay,” Brendan said, climbed off and then didn’t let go of me all night.

Turns out, being disinvited was completely fine because on the evening of the wedding, Kristina had reservations for two to a steakhouse I’ve been wanting to go to. Garrett had to “work” so she invited me to go instead and he even left his credit card on file so we could order whatever we wanted. I hadn’t even met him yet so thanks G!

I obviously kept a close eye on both Brendan and his ex-wife’s Instagram stories all night (he was the one who mentioned drama so I wanted to see it kick off) but he only posted one story the entire night (a group photo with no ex and no haircut) and she only posted two. Uh, hello?

“Where’s Brendan?” Kristina asked.

Thank God she asked because I wanted to talk about it. I told her about the wedding and Margot and “slutty single mom.” She stared at me with wide, surprised eyes.

“So are you mad about what his stepmom said?” she asked.

“No!” Did I seem mad? “I just think it’s annoying that Brendan always blames her when he clearly agrees. I would have more respect if he just said, ‘I don’t think you should come to the wedding and here’s why…’”

We somehow spent $530 at the restaurant and made plans to go to a rooftop for drinks. On the way there, I pulled out my phone and saw that Brendan had texted me. To add salt to the already gaping wound, he’d written, “Wish you were here.” And it’s like, no you don’t because if you did I would be there! He’s so irritating.

The next morning, Brendan called. He was still at the hotel in Long Island and said, “Ugh, I’m so hungover.”

Hungover? But he’s not a big drinker, remember? He was telling me all about the wedding and his friends and the food and oh, it’s a good thing I didn’t come because his ex-wife was there and she was “not in a good mood.” The fuck did that mean?

“I don’t even wanna get into it,” Brendan groaned when I asked.

Of course he didn’t. But do you know who would happily get into it? My bestie, Kendall. I made a mental note to get the scoop the next time I spoke to him.

Turns out, Miguel is engaged and his fiancée is this gorgeous gorgeous fitness model named Jasmine. So this was absolutely not going to be a problem and I truly needed to get over myself. He talks about her non-stop and refers to her as “mi amor,” so that’s cute. The three of us met up with her one Summer Friday and stayed drinking wine at the bar for four hours. Jasmine and I initially bonded over having the same pair of Gucci sunglasses, but then she told me how she and Miguel met (a one night hookup from Tinder) and we could not stop talking. Honestly, you could put a pineapple in front of me and I’d find something to talk to it about.

But anyway, I love Jasmine! And at one point she gestured towards Miguel and said, “You’ll have to keep an eye on this one for me,” hinting that maybe he misbehaves at work. Miguel turned to me and winked. Uh, I’ll gladly keep an eye!

Eventually I needed to go pick up Winnie, but they wanted to meet back up for pizza later. I was on the fence about it because I really needed to stay home with my child. I knew Jasmine had been sort of on the fence too so I asked her if she wanted to go.

“I’ll follow you to the ends of the Earth, girl so I’ll go if you go,” she said.

So needless to say, Jasmine and I hit it off.

On Saturday, Brendan came over in the afternoon for a sleepover. I was excited to spend the majority of the weekend with him since typically he’s so busy that we can only hang out a few hours at a time. And I don’t know if this is a weird or unnecessary observation, but Brendan and I don’t have sex that often. Probably just as often as before I had my own place and it’s almost always a marathon. Brady and I had sex all the time (and clearly got carried away — hi Winnie!) so it’s just different I guess. Like sex is not the most important element of our relationship.

We spent the night watching TV and eating takeout and he filled me in on what his family and Danielle have been up to (I did not ask). And then we gossiped about Kendall because he’s gone all in with Cassidy — apparently he was hooking up with two other girls previously, news to me! Then Brendan told me he was taking a little Maine trip with his uncle in a couple weeks and did I want to come? There wouldn’t be a ton for me to do, but it’s really pretty and it would be nice to get out of the city and… I really didn’t need that much convincing.

The next morning, we woke up with no plans, but then Lola texted me wanting to go to brunch.

“Can I bring my boy toy?” I asked her.

“Yes, I’m dying to meet him,” Lola said. That was about as much enthusiasm as I’ve heard her have for a man.

I got dressed in vegan leather shorts, an oversized button down and high top Nike Blazers while I briefed Brendan on Lola. She definitely requires a bit of a warning.

“She’s really abrasive, but she doesn’t mean any harm,” I explained. “And she hates all men, not just you.”

“Oh. Great,” Brendan said.

We met Lola in Greenwich Village at a place she’d found with bottomless brunch. The two of us ordered bottomless mimosas and avo toast and Brendan ordered an entree and one Bloody Mary. Lola pounced immediately.

“One Bloody? What are you, twelve?” she said.

“Pacing myself,” he said.

“Brendan is like, not a big drinker,” I chimed in. “So he will probably get tipsy from this one drink.”

“Not a big drinker? I can’t imagine what you guys have in common then,” Lola said.

I mean, true. But I think it’s kind of adorable that Brendan doesn’t drink much. It definitely keeps me in check — can’t be trashed all the time by myself!

“We have plenty in common,” I said.

“Like what?” Lola demanded.

“Like…” Wait, why couldn’t I think of a single thing we had in common? It’s like, he enjoys working out and the wilderness and traveling and I spend all my time eating and drinking and stalking people I don’t know on Instagram. Maybe Lola had found a major fault in our relationship.

But then Brendan — who apparently wasn’t having a mini stroke like I was — let Lola know all the things we like to do together.

“Sounds boring, but I dig it,” Lola said.

She told us that she and Kellen are over once again and she’s seeing a new guy. One she describes as “flawless” which is such a bold and reckless statement, especially coming from Lola.

“So I’m just waiting for it all to come crumbling down,” she said.

“Aw, I’m sure it’s not,” Brendan said and offered her some encouragement in his positive Brendan sort of way.

After a while, the mimosas were setting in and Lola and I were screaming and probably being really annoying. Brendan needed to get going anyway because he was meeting up with his sister so he kissed me on the cheek and left us.

“Ugh, don’t you love him!” I couldn’t help squealing.

“Big golden retriever energy. I’ve literally never seen it personified so vividly, oh my god,” Lola said.

“Lola! Don’t compare him to a dog!” I exclaimed.

“What? It’s not bad. He’s adorable. I can see why you like him,” she said.

The next weekend, I got to keep Winnie and Brendan hung out with us all weekend again. On Saturday night, after we put her to sleep, we were laying on the bed talking. He was telling me about the progress on his new apartment (they were finally able to get stuff done after delays getting approval from the association) and a bachelor party he has coming up and etc.

And then, out of nowhere, Brendan mentioned that his stepmom told him that he should take things slow with me and not get into anything serious. You can always rely on Brendan to overshare! Why would he tell me that? And I thought Margot was supposed to be my girl so what the fuck?

“Why would she say that?” I asked.

“Because of the divorce and everything. She doesn’t think it’s a good idea for me to get into another relationship. Like I should be alone or something,” he explained.

“Right, but why does she think we aren’t taking things slow? Did you tell her we’re serious?” I asked.

“No, just how much time we are spending together I guess. And she knows how I feel about you.”

I was ready to strangle him. What was the purpose of telling me this? I was about to freak out.

“Maybe Margot is right,” I said calmly.

“Really?” Brendan said.

“Yeah. I don’t know. What do you want? I can’t imagine you’d even be ready for a serious relationship anytime soon anyway.”

He looked kind of taken aback and then said, “Are we not serious?”

“I don’t know!” I wasn’t about to admit that I already have Pinterest boards dedicated to our wedding, babies, and new apartment. “I haven’t really thought about it.”

“I have pretty serious feelings for you. I think you know that,” Brendan said.

“Yeah, but like, do you even want to get married again? Do you want to be alone for a while? We can cool things off if that’s what you need.” I was spiraling.

“Of course I want to get married again. I mean, not now—”

“Obviously!” I screamed.

Apparently all of this was hilarious because Brendan started laughing. I was about to kill him and his big mouth.

“What is literally so funny?” I demanded.

Brendan pulled me close, still laughing. “You mean everything to me.”

I was agitated. Brendan and I were in a fight which I always hate (and I was mad at him because why would he just storm out like that?) plus I never wanted to go back to work again because I was afraid everyone was gossiping about us.

Luckily, Brady was on his way to drop my baby off and since I’d be working from home, I would be able to spend the day with her.

Winnie squealed and immediately began talking a mile a minute about everything she got into over the weekend. Believe it or not, I think she kind of enjoys splitting her time because then she gets to come back with stories. Brady filled me in on a few things including reminding me that he would be working on Saturday so I’d get to keep Winnie. That was perfect because we were going to have an epic girls day. With our current arrangement it’s rare that I get to spend a full uninterrupted day with Winnie like that so Brady could work on the weekend all he wanted.

“Winnie, I’ll see you later this week,” Brady called out the window. “Love you guys.”

Did you hear that? Love you guys. He had definitely been being nicer the past few weeks, but this was a bit over the top.

“Bye!” I said and we headed inside.

Upstairs, I saw that I had a missed call from Brendan. Oh, now he wanted to fucking talk? Like I said, I was mad at him so I was absolutely not going to call him back. And anyway, Mike had sent a few of his signature scathing emails so I really needed to address those.

About an hour later, Brendan called again.

“Hi Brendan,” I answered.

“Hey,” he said back in a voice that sounded defeated. “I hate fighting with you.”

Oh fucking really? “Then why are you fighting with me? If you hadn’t stormed out like a child yesterday, this would’ve been over.”

“I know. I’m sorry about that.”

“And can you please explain to me how you’re upset when you were the one in the wrong in the first place?”

“I didn’t know it was supposed to be a secret! You never asked me not to tell Mike,” he said, beginning to sound like a baby again.

“Common sense, Brendan!”

He waited a moment and then said, “I’m sorry about yesterday. Are you at your office? Do you mind if I stop by?”

“No, I have so much work to do and quite frankly so do you,” I said.

“Yeah, you’re right. I should probably go.”

I knew I was being hard on him, but you know what happens when you let stuff like that go unchecked! It’s called tough love. I was very surprised though when I hadn’t heard from him by the next afternoon. Yes, I’d yelled at him a little bit (twice) but I thought he was supposedly in love with me. Whatever!

I was sitting in my office (I could no longer hide at home) when an email came in. It was from Thomas.

“Today is my last day at [Brendan’s company]. The last few years have taught me a lot, but I would be lying if I said they weren’t tumultuous…” He’d sent it BCC so I couldn’t see the entire recipient list.

Wait, what was going on? It didn’t make any sense that it was Thomas’ last day. Had he even put in a 2-week notice? Surely I would’ve heard if he did.

A message popped up from Paige. “Omg! Did you know about Thomas?”

“No! Did you?” I typed back.

“No…I wonder what happened.”

So if Thomas was leaving, what was Brendan going to do? Yes, Thomas had been a little menace the past few months, but he was still essentially Brendan’s right hand man. What an inopportune time to be in a fight with Brendan!

Well, no matter. I picked up my phone and gave him a call.

“Hey!” he answered, sounding rather happy to hear from me.

“Oh my gawddd, Thomas?” I said.

Brendan didn’t say anything immediately and from the cars in the background it sounded like he was out and about. “Yeah.”

“What happened?” I had to know.

He explained that it was unexpected, but mutual and that he had a friend from business school who was going to be starting in a few weeks.

“Oh em geee, Brendan, did you fire him?” I gasped.

He laughed but didn’t confirm or deny. “So are you still mad at me?”

“Kind of.” I’d almost forgotten about our fight because I was so focused on the Thomas drama.

“Do you wanna talk about it or do you need more time?” Brendan asked.

Hm, what a straightforward question that I was not prepared to answer!

“I guess we could talk about it later.”

So we made plans to see each other later that day and honestly, I was relieved because I don’t actually enjoy being in a fight with Brendan. And hello? I still wanted more details about Thomas’ departure! I was nosy curious!

“Oh, hi Brendan,” Winnie said nonchalantly when we let him into the apartment a few hours later.

Me and Brendan smirked at each other because clearly she got that from me.

“Hey!” he said back. “I brought dinner. You hungry?”

“Yes, I am so hungry,” Winnie replied dramatically.

I’ve noticed that Brendan and I both speak to Winnie like she’s an adult (she sure acts like she’s a little adult) which leads me to believe we will be great co-parents. Everyone else baby-talks her. What? Just thinking about the future.

We sat at the table and had dinner while Winnie talked our ears off and then watched a movie on the couch. After putting the baby to (reluctant) sleep, it was time to talk. Obviously I was ready to gossip about his company, but then Brendan grabbed me and said, “I’m sorry about the way I left the other night.”

I opened my mouth to say something like, “It’s fine this time, but don’t let it happen again,” but then he added, “But can you understand why I was upset?”

“Ummm,” I said. “Because I yelled at you.”

“Well, yeah. That too,” he said. “But it sort of seems like you’re ashamed of me.”

“What? How?”

He looked down and around and honestly, kind of insecure. “I don’t know. Just the way you kept saying it would make you look bad and that you were embarrassed.”

I felt horrible that he thought that’s what I meant. I had to explain to him (again) that it wasn’t about me or him necessarily and it was the situation that looked bad and maybe it was my fault for not being the one to tell Mike. I can’t believe Brendan thought my blow up was because I was ashamed of him — he really is naive sometimes. And what was it that Kendall said? “Our boy is sensitive.” I really need to keep that in mind.

“Okay, thanks for explaining, I get it now,” Brendan said. “I just want you to feel the same way about me as I feel about you.”

The guy sure does need a lot of reassurance. So I did the unthinkable and told Brendan that I love him. Can you imagine me telling a man I love him first? I mean, of course he’s alluded to it before, but he had never said it outright like I had. It’s called growth and I’m clearly the queen of it. And then when he looked elated and relieved and said it back, I demanded to know if he considered me his girlfriend. Guess I needed a bit of reassurance too!

So that was our tiny little fight. Stupid, but not totally pointless I guess. At least now all of our feelings are known. And even if I knew they were secretly still judging, no one seemed to care about Brendan and me and Paige is the only one who brought it up (to ask what we had planned for the weekend, like she cared).

A few weeks later, Brendan brought his new employee in to meet our team. Miguel. Oh my God. He looks like a supermodel or something — Andrea from Summer House vibes. He was tall and gorgeous with broad shoulders, light eyes and a shirt unbuttoned so you could see a hint of chest hair. Excuse me? I think I gasped when he walked in. Brendan never mentioned that his friend from business school looked like that. And then when he shook my hand, he didn’t let it go while he asked me questions about myself and pinned me to the wall with his eyes. I hoped this wasn’t going to be a problem.

We went into the meeting and he sat there like a boss and sweet-talked the pants off ole Mike. And Mike seemed happy (as happy as Mike can seem) so maybe Miguel would be good for all of us.

After the meeting, Brendan followed me to my office and Miguel came with us. They were talking to me about all the projects and what the priorities were and did I want to walk with them later in the week? Brendan sat in one of my chairs, but Miguel leaned against my desk so I had a clear view of his butt and it was all a bit much. And ever since our fight, Brendan had been being overly professional with me at work. So Miguel kept turning around and joking with me and smiling and it occurred to me that Brendan hadn’t told him about us since I blew up at him last time I found out he told someone. Was this, and I stress, going to be a problem?

One Saturday, Winnie and I hopped in the car to go to Brady’s. Brady and I had been getting along splendidly and surprisingly staying in touch a lot throughout the week. Usually our routine on Saturdays was: arrive in Connecticut between 8 and 9 AM, get Brady up to speed on what had been up the past few days then I’d leave before lunch. This particular Saturday though, Brendan was busy and I didn’t have any plans so I got comfortable and hung out for a bit. The three of us had bagels and OJ and then played in the backyard until Winnie was exhausted. Brady went upstairs to do some work in his little office while I got Winnie comfortable on the couch with the iPad. After a while she fell asleep and I should’ve said goodbye to Brady and gone home, but I didn’t. Winnie was using Brady’s iPad since hers stays at our place in the city. And do you know what’s on Brady’s iPad? All of his messages, of course!

I really shouldn’t have, but I picked up the iPad and started scrolling through his message threads like old times. I was just curious to see who he had been talking to. None of them really jumped out at me except Anna, who I haven’t thought about in years. Anna is Brady’s ex before me and she’s weird.

I started reading through the messages and started to see texts from her that said things like, “I can’t wait to see you later,” and “Do you want to come over tonight?” Oh? All of their texts were like that — making plans for him to go see her and then talking about how they are looking forward to hanging out. So they were hooking up? A bit of ex-sex? One message exchange went like this:

Anna: “Can’t wait to see you later tonight!”

Brady: “Me too.”

Brady (a few hours later): “I’m on my way.”

Anna: “Cool. And Madeline is here :-)”

Brady: “Even better.”

Wait. Who was Madeline? Why would she be there? Was this a threesome? Those two are complete freaks. I kept scrolling and reading until the iPad was snatched from my grubby little hands. Brady was standing behind the couch over my shoulder.

“You have no right to do that,” he said calmly as he locked the iPad up.

“Okay.” I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t slightly embarrassed that I’d been caught snooping, but it was just Brady and now I knew what he was getting up to. And I’d also be lying if I said I didn’t feel a bit icky. I don’t know why. It has literally nothing to do with me. I left after that.

Needless to say, Brady and I didn’t keep in touch the next week like we had been and he was short with me again at drop off on Tuesday. So the following Saturday, after a week of reflection, Winnie and I headed to Connecticut to Brady’s house. Brady was clearly still annoyed with me and didn’t say much, so I followed him into the kitchen and said, in my sweetest voice, “Are you hanging out with Anna this weekend?”

At first I thought he wasn’t going to answer me because he was quiet for a while, but then he said, “You know, Winnie had been telling me about her friend for a few months and I thought she had made it up; an imaginary friend. But then I finally figured out the name she was saying.”

I already knew where this was going.

“Brendan.”

“Yeah, they’re close,” I said, not missing a beat. “Definitely not imaginary.”

“Cool,” Brady said coldly and walked past me out of the kitchen.

So…at least it was all out there. What was unsettling though is that the following week, I had a missed call from Brady’s mother out of the blue. I haven’t spoken to that woman in like a year so who the the hell knows what she wants to talk about. I haven’t heard from her since and it’s not like Brady and I were on good terms for me to ask him about it.