I thought it might be fun to do a #throwbackthursday post with a story from college so here’s one. Y’all can’t judge me for this. This was probably five years ago and I’m a completely changed woman now. So let’s just look back and laugh.
When I was in college one of my closest friends and roommates was a girl named Lauren. Everyone always got me and Lauren mixed up – we had the same height and build (short, small, big boobs), looked kind of similar (lightish hair, hazel/green eyes, big smiles), had the same crass, sarcastic sense of humor, and could regularly be found drinking tequila by the handle at parties around campus.
So one time, we heard that my ex – I’ll just give him a name, let’s call him Devin – was texting/sexting this girl we hated. Devin and I were on some sort of break at the time, but I was still furious and upset that he was texting her of all people. Naturally I wanted to confront him about it so I decided the best place to do it was outside the gym where he was working out. This was on a Thursday and he always worked out until around 7:30 on Thursday nights (I had his entire schedule memorized, obviously).
Lauren tagged along for moral support and we waited outside the gym for him to come out. When he finally emerged, I stepped in front of him to block his path. He didn’t look surprised or happy to see me.
“What’s up?” he asked.
Just so you can have a mental picture in your head, Devin is around 6’3 or 6’4 – he’s tall – with an athletic build and some tattoos on his arms and body. He’s black, white and Filipino and his face was clean shaven at the time.
“I heard you’re texting [girl who we hate who doesn’t deserve a name],” I said, crossing my arms.
Devin scrunched his face up. “Who told you that?”
“Everyone!” I exclaimed, when in actuality it was only two people, but one of them was the girl we hate’s friend.
“Well it doesn’t matter if I am or not. It’s none of your business,” Devin said. Rude. I knew that meant he was definitely sexting her.
We began arguing and he started to walk away. I tried to grab his t-shirt to stop him but he pulled out of my grip. So I did the only thing I could think to do next: I jumped on his back and started punching him in the side of his head. Lauren, being the great friend that she was, jumped in front of him and held his arms down so I could beat him without him fighting me off.
So for the next minute I punched him, clawed him, choked him and whatever else I could do to hurt him. Lauren successfully restrained him for that minute (and also got a few jabs in) while his muffled voice called me psycho and demanded I get off. A campus security guard was patrolling the area, walked past and saw the scuffle.
“Whoa, whoa, whoa!” the guard shouted and ran over to us. “What’s going on? Get down!”
He literally had to pry me off Devin’s back and I used my nails to dig into Devin’s skin as the guard pulled me off. He turned to me and I was delighted to see red scratches on his neck and along his jaw.
“You’re such a crazy bitch,” he mumbled as he began walking away. “And fuck you, Lauren.”
“This isn’t over!” I called after him.
The security guard grabbed me again as if I were going to chase Devin and I pushed him away. “Do not touch me.”
He told us that we needed to leave so we did. I think this was during finals week or something because Lauren and I decided to go out and drink after that. Usually we drank all day during finals. That night there was a party at one of the football player’s off campus house and we knew Devin would be there so we decided to seek revenge then. Devin drove a really nice car back then, I think it was like a Camaro or something. It was brand new and he had pimped it out with rims and stuff and loved to showroom park it wherever he went. It was actually pretty tacky.
So obviously that was what we were going to go after. We were pretty drunk and we asked one of Lauren’s guy friends to take us to Walmart so we could get supplies to vandalize his car. We spent like $70 on silly string, shaving cream, toilet paper, eggs, and Cheetos puffs (for us to eat) then had the guy take us to the party.
Sure enough, Devin’s pretty black car was parked on the front lawn. We had to move quickly so we didn’t get caught in the act (not that we cared, he would know it was us anyway. We did stupid things like this all the time) so we began spraying the car with shaving cream and silly string, smashing eggs on it and wrapping it with toilet paper. We were laughing so hard that we were being really loud and kind of causing a scene. It was fun though.
We had covered a really good amount of the car when a football player came out from inside the party. He shouted something like, “Yooo, what the fuck?” so Lauren and I laughed and ran next door to another house party before he could confront us.
I didn’t hear from Devin until the next morning. I expected him to be pissed and tell me off, which was the goal. We did this practically every week: he pissed me off, I retaliated, he got pissed then we made up. It’s just what we did. So I was anticipating his pissed off text.
I was surprised when I opened it and it said, “Did you shit on my car?”
I replied, “What?” because I was confused. I figured he meant to say, “Did you put all this shit on my car?” and just missed a few words. But no. He meant exactly what he said.
“Did you take a dump on my car? [Football player who caught us in the act] said he saw you and Lauren fucking with it last night. You’re sick.”
After a little back and forth, I realized that after Lauren and I left, someone must have seen the vandalized car and decided to add their own touch – by pooping on it. But Devin thought we did it! I was mortified.
I explained that we only used the shaving cream, silly string, eggs and toilet paper and denied the poop over and over until he finally said, “Okay whatever. Stay away from my car.”
We never found out who the real pooping culprit was, but I’m sure Devin probably still thinks it was us. Not that I care anymore. Can I also say that I do not condone domestic violence? Devin and I got into fights like that all the time. Well, I usually beat up on him, but he never hit me back. Which I guess is the only nice thing about him.
The funny thing is, Lauren and Devin are both living in LA now. She and I don’t talk much anymore because she has changed into a completely different person, but she’s doing great.
So back to present day. I haven’t talked to Brady (can we give him a fake name? Typing it makes me sad), but I asked Carly if she’s seen him. She said he’s still always just working in the dining room on his laptop. And that Brady told Chris that we broke up, but won’t talk to her about it. I mean, not that he should, but she said he’s almost awkward about it. Like he tries to talk about everything except me. She said the other day he complimented her boots and they proceeded to have a fifteen minute conversation about women’s boots. That makes me really, really sad for some reason.
Anyway, I’m going to get to work and cry. Bye!