stories I’m not proud of – part one.

I thought it might be fun to do a #throwbackthursday post with a story from college so here’s one. Y’all can’t judge me for this. This was probably five years ago and I’m a completely changed woman now. So let’s just look back and laugh. 

When I was in college one of my closest friends and roommates was a girl named Lauren. Everyone always got me and Lauren mixed up – we had the same height and build (short, small, big boobs), looked kind of similar (lightish hair, hazel/green eyes, big smiles), had the same crass, sarcastic sense of humor, and could regularly be found drinking tequila by the handle at parties around campus.

So one time, we heard that my ex – I’ll just give him a name, let’s call him Devin – was texting/sexting this girl we hated. Devin and I were on some sort of break at the time, but I was still furious and upset that he was texting her of all people. Naturally I wanted to confront him about it so I decided the best place to do it was outside the gym where he was working out. This was on a Thursday and he always worked out until around 7:30 on Thursday nights (I had his entire schedule memorized, obviously).

Lauren tagged along for moral support and we waited outside the gym for him to come out. When he finally emerged, I stepped in front of him to block his path. He didn’t look surprised or happy to see me.

“What’s up?” he asked.

Just so you can have a mental picture in your head, Devin is around 6’3 or 6’4 – he’s tall – with an athletic build and some tattoos on his arms and body. He’s black, white and Filipino and his face was clean shaven at the time.

“I heard you’re texting [girl who we hate who doesn’t deserve a name],” I said, crossing my arms.

Devin scrunched his face up. “Who told you that?”

“Everyone!” I exclaimed, when in actuality it was only two people, but one of them was the girl we hate’s friend.

“Well it doesn’t matter if I am or not. It’s none of your business,” Devin said. Rude. I knew that meant he was definitely sexting her. 

We began arguing and he started to walk away. I tried to grab his t-shirt to stop him but he pulled out of my grip. So I did the only thing I could think to do next: I jumped on his back and started punching him in the side of his head. Lauren, being the great friend that she was, jumped in front of him and held his arms down so I could beat him without him fighting me off.

So for the next minute I punched him, clawed him, choked him and whatever else I could do to hurt him. Lauren successfully restrained him for that minute (and also got a few jabs in) while his muffled voice called me psycho and demanded I get off. A campus security guard was patrolling the area, walked past and saw the scuffle.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa!” the guard shouted and ran over to us. “What’s going on? Get down!”

He literally had to pry me off Devin’s back and I used my nails to dig into Devin’s skin as the guard pulled me off. He turned to me and I was delighted to see red scratches on his neck and along his jaw. 

“You’re such a crazy bitch,” he mumbled as he began walking away. “And fuck you, Lauren.”

“This isn’t over!” I called after him.

The security guard grabbed me again as if I were going to chase Devin and I pushed him away. “Do not touch me.”

He told us that we needed to leave so we did. I think this was during finals week or something because Lauren and I decided to go out and drink after that. Usually we drank all day during finals. That night there was a party at one of the football player’s off campus house and we knew Devin would be there so we decided to seek revenge then. Devin drove a really nice car back then, I think it was like a Camaro or something. It was brand new and he had pimped it out with rims and stuff and loved to showroom park it wherever he went. It was actually pretty tacky.

So obviously that was what we were going to go after. We were pretty drunk and we asked one of Lauren’s guy friends to take us to Walmart so we could get supplies to vandalize his car. We spent like $70 on silly string, shaving cream, toilet paper, eggs, and Cheetos puffs (for us to eat) then had the guy take us to the party.

Sure enough, Devin’s pretty black car was parked on the front lawn. We had to move quickly so we didn’t get caught in the act (not that we cared, he would know it was us anyway. We did stupid things like this all the time) so we began spraying the car with shaving cream and silly string, smashing eggs on it and wrapping it with toilet paper. We were laughing so hard that we were being really loud and kind of causing a scene. It was fun though.

We had covered a really good amount of  the car when a football player came out from inside the party. He shouted something like, “Yooo, what the fuck?” so Lauren and I laughed and ran next door to another house party before he could confront us.

I didn’t hear from Devin until the next morning. I expected him to be pissed and tell me off, which was the goal. We did this practically every week: he pissed me off, I retaliated, he got pissed then we made up. It’s just what we did. So I was anticipating his pissed off text.

I was surprised when I opened it and it said, “Did you shit on my car?”

I replied, “What?” because I was confused. I figured he meant to say, “Did you put all this shit on my car?” and just missed a few words. But no. He meant exactly what he said.

“Did you take a dump on my car? [Football player who caught us in the act] said he saw you and Lauren fucking with it last night. You’re sick.”

After a little back and forth, I realized that after Lauren and I left, someone must have seen the vandalized car and decided to add their own touch – by pooping on it. But Devin thought we did it! I was mortified. 

I explained that we only used the shaving cream, silly string, eggs and toilet paper and denied the poop over and over until he finally said, “Okay whatever. Stay away from my car.”

We never found out who the real pooping culprit was, but I’m sure Devin probably still thinks it was us. Not that I care anymore. Can I also say that I do not condone domestic violence? Devin and I got into fights like that all the time. Well, I usually beat up on him, but he never hit me back. Which I guess is the only nice thing about him.

The funny thing is, Lauren and Devin are both living in LA now. She and I don’t talk much anymore because she has changed into a completely different person, but she’s doing great.

So back to present day. I haven’t talked to Brady (can we give him a fake name? Typing it makes me sad), but I asked Carly if she’s seen him. She said he’s still always just working in the dining room on his laptop. And that Brady told Chris that we broke up, but won’t talk to her about it. I mean, not that he should, but she said he’s almost awkward about it. Like he tries to talk about everything except me. She said the other day he complimented her boots and they proceeded to have a fifteen minute conversation about women’s boots. That makes me really, really sad for some reason.

Anyway, I’m going to get to work and cry. Bye!

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29 thoughts on “stories I’m not proud of – part one.

  1. D says:

    I laughed almost all the way through this. I’m glad you’re past this now, but it def made a good story.
    I know I shouldn’t be surprised that he hasn’t, but I was hoping Brady would reach out to you for at least a little closure. This is all his loss girl. Hopefully he comes to his senses soon.

      • Zoe says:

        It hurts me to say this because I have pride issues- but maybe you could just ask how he’s doing? From what he is not saying to Carly I don’t think he’s very ok that he doesn’t have you in his life. Orrrr you could talk on the premise of working out what to do about Mexico… It seems like you want to talk with him maybe you have to take this crappy situation into your own hands to resolve it either way.

        I read this story at like 6am (Australian time)… seriously best start to my day still can’t stop laughing, I’ve envisioned myself doing this to people so many times (even though it’s a bit cheeky) I’m jealous that you actually have 😛

  2. lgburton says:

    Hahahaha, this was hysterical. I miss college now.

    The boot conversation made me sad, too! I can’t exactly put my finger on why.

  3. This was a cute/funny story. I laughed a few times. I’m glad to see that you can still be funny even though you’re going through something that is no fun. I’m sorry about you and Brady. I hope you two can eventually work things out even if you don’t get back together. Hugs!!

  4. Luita says:

    Wow! It’s amazing how there are some people that just bring out the worst in us. So glad you are not with Devin anymore. The car thing was funny though, I wish I had the guts to do something like that. Haha
    I understand why some people want you to contact brady. But I also understand why you don’t and why you shouldn’t. Yes, he’s going through something, but he’s the one that decided not to talk to you, instead he breaks up with you! Maybe he wishes he could take it back, maybe he’s as miserable as you are. So, he needs to step up, don’t make it easy for him. He needs to prove to you that he’s worth it, because from where I’m sitting you can do a lot better. I’m hoping it won’t take him too long to man up, because it would be his loss!

    • i wish he would just call me or even text me and make it better. it pisses me off, but this is how i felt a lot of our relationship. i just want to shake him!

  5. Best story ever, actually made me laugh out loud at work. So proud of you for owning it regardless of all the judgmental trolls/haters out there.

    I still have hope in my heart for you and Brady. Although you will ultimately choose what you feel is right, I’m hoping he mans up in honor of what you had together so that you can continue being my fave couple ever… you guys remind me of my bf and me 🙂

  6. J says:

    It is so sad/annoying that Brady has been so shut off to you especially since you made the effort to be more communicative and open with him. I feel like you gave him opportunities to vent and if he was having problems with your relationship he should have spoken up and voiced those concerns instead of breaking up with you out of nowhere (or it least it felt like out of nowhere to me). Random question: are you Carly and Kendra friends from college? and if so how did you all end up in Chicago? Love your blog and I’m sorry you’re going through a tough time but remember there are a ton of random internet strangers rooting for you!

    • i couldn’t agree more. kendra and i grew up together and went to college together. she got into law school in chicago so i came here with her and we met carly and preston here in chicago. thank you, you’re so sweet!

  7. Sara says:

    I have been reading the comments section since the breakup and, although I was all for reaching out when it first happened, I have done a 180 and I think you are wise to hang back. It’s not creating drama and it’s giving Brady space. Frankly, if he is not willing to fight for the relationship, what is the point? The only thing I can see that you might contact him about down the line is to ask him to box your stuff and give it to Carly so you can get it back. At that point you can add in that you hope he is OK, wish him well, are willing to talk if he wants, etc, whatever, but I think you are right that it would be with the idea that he won’t respond. This all sucks, but what can you do? You said it yourself in response to a comment the other day that you don’t want him to be with you if it is going to make him unhappy. Frankly, if he is unhappy, you would be too. The romantic in me wishes he would have an epiphany, but real life is not usually like that. Time to find a hobby/distraction that has nothing to do with him. You once did art–maybe take an art class. You never know–you might meet a hottie guy who works as a nude model…

      • Sara says:

        Totally understandable, Reese. Take from a woman who has been a clingy doormat–it does not revive relationships. You are a bright, witty person and are in your own words, a catch. I actually thought of you this evening when a friend of mine told a story about a guy who broke her heart, recently came back into her life, wanted her and they hooked up and it resulted in (her words exactly) the worst sex of her life, followed by him rolling over on top of her the next morning and saying in (again her words) a twelve year old voice “I want to stay here FOREVER!” And her response was “Um, no.”. Let’s just say that killed any lingering demons from THAT relationship. You’re a tough cookie and will rise above this hurt I am sure.

  8. Amber says:

    I love the TBT story – you should do that every week – so fun! 🙂

    As for Brady — ugh. I completely agree with Sara. While I don’t think it would be wrong or terrible to reach out to him, what is the point? You don’t want to force him back into a relationship with you or talk him into it because things will probably just go back to how they were with him being closed off. He has to really want it — make the effort to get you back and put in the work to make things better than they were — just like you were making efforts to be more open and to communicate more.
    Hang in there with everything…hope things get better!! I think you’re great!!

  9. This some how sounds like something I’ve done years ago 😂🙈 Im sorry Reese, just keep yourself busy so you don’t have too much time with your thoughts.. I’ve redecorated my bedroom completely doing so as well this week 😔 at least my room looks better ..? Lol lets so tequila shots!!!

  10. Elizabeth7 says:

    I’d personally want to know the reasoning behind his decision to end things…and I think he owes you that. I also think you should stop being stubborn, and ask him yourself.

    • megg says:

      It’s not really stubbornness, as much as it is self-respect. Brady couldn’t offer an explanation when he decided to break up. If he cares enough to offer one at all, he’ll be a human being and reach out to her. She shouldn’t have to hold his hand through everything.

  11. Wow you used to be mega-crazy hahaha. That was hilarious!

    I wouldn’t be able to end a relationship that way, with so many lingering questions, but that’s just a weakness on my part. I think Brady is depressed, and it’s sad, but you’re right, he basically pushed you out of his life so why would you try to push back in? I hope he figures it out so you guys can at least be on speaking terms again, even if you don’t want to get back together.

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