i don’t want to be a mean person.

I knew I needed to apologize to Kendra about my behavior so I texted her and invited her to get dinner on Wednesday after work. I was really surprised when she actually agreed. I’ll admit, I was unnecessarily hateful to her and it wasn’t okay. I wouldn’t talk to me after that.

Kendra was already sitting at the restaurant when I got there and I greeted her happily.

She said, “Hi Reese,” and didn’t move from her spot so I leaned down to hug her. Kendra and I never hug unnecessarily, but she hugged me back like it was normal.

“What did you order? I’m starving,” I said as I sat down.

“Shrimp skewers. I’m not that hungry. You can have some,” Kendra said.

“Okay thanks!”

After some small talk and awkward silence I said, “I’m sorry about Monday. I should not have said those things. I hope you know I didn’t mean it.”

“I know you meant it. You’re immature and said it to get under my skin. I’ve known you long enough,” she said.

“No I didn’t! I was just drunk and said something stupid,” I countered. “I’m honestly really happy for you and John.”

Kendra waved her hands like what I was saying didn’t matter. “I’m not even worried about it, Reese. I know that you’re immature and insecure and you like to instigate drama. You’re not going to make me unhappy just because you are.”

My mouth dropped open. “I’m not unhappy!” I exclaimed. And I’d just like to point out that I think Kendra is the insecure one, but I wasn’t about to say that.

“Yeah, okay. If you aren’t then I’m not sure why you want to ruin everyone else’s happiness. Maybe you’re just a mean person? I don’t know.”

“I’m not. I’m not trying to ruin your happiness, Kendra.” I couldn’t believe that she could even say that I’m a mean person. She’s known me forever. She knows I’m not mean.

“Whatever. Like I said, I’m not worried about it. It’s over.”

I wanted to object and talk about how I’m not mean, but Kendra started asking if I’ve gotten fitted for my bridesmaid dress and stuff. She didn’t even apologize for telling Carly about me and Kyle. And I forgot to even mention it because I was so stunned by what she said to me about being mean.

After dinner with Kendra, I decided to go see Brady. We hadn’t talked much since Monday so I texted him to see if he was home. He said that he was and was just working a little bit so I drove over. I let myself in and found Brady sitting at the dining room table with his laptop and notebook.

“Hi,” I said, sitting next to him.

He glanced up at me and said hello then went right back to his work. I couldn’t tell if he was mad at me or if he was just busy/preoccupied and I just sat there watching him. Watching him work and write and be so concentrated just seemed so harmless and innocent. Like he’s such a sweet guy. I thought about what Kendra said about me and wondered why Brady would even want to be with a mean person like me. He deserved a nice, sweet girl who could charm the pants off him and his friends and his family. One who wouldn’t drink until she starts blurting out hurtful things to her friends. I burst into tears.

“Reese?” I heard Brady say. “Are you okay?”

I nodded, trying to pull myself together but I was bawling so hard that I couldn’t even say anything. What a hot mess.

“Reese.”

The first time Brady said my name, he sounded unsure and cautious, but this time he sounded gentle and concerned. I felt him grab me and I let him pull me onto his lap. “Hey. What’s wrong? Why are you crying?”

“I don’t want to be a mean person,” I sobbed.

“You aren’t. Did someone say you were?” Brady said.

“Everyone thinks that. I don’t try to be mean to anyone, I really don’t! Everyone thinks I’m this big mean selfish bitch and I’m not! No one gets me! I’m so misunderstood!”

“What?”

“Why do you even put up with me? I’m an awful girlfriend. You’re so sweet and nice and I’m mean.”

Brady said, “You aren’t mean.”

“I’m not nice. You don’t even want to talk to me about anything. Why don’t you want to talk to me?”

“Reese, I do want to talk to you. I love talking to you.”

“You don’t tell me anything. Why are you with me? Do you even like me?” I was still crying and borderline hysterical at this point.

Brady didn’t answer so I continued. “I’m such a bitch. Why do you let me treat you like that? Just dump me! I deserve it!”

“I don’t want to dump you. What’s going on? Why are you-”

I didn’t let him finish and blurted out, “I flirt with others guys in front of you! Why don’t you care?”

“I know you aren’t seriously interested in them. That’s your way of being nice. See, you’re nice,” Brady said.

I wiped my eyes with the back of my hand and probably smeared my mascara everywhere. “I don’t want to be like this anymore. I don’t want to be selfish and mean and terrible. Why am I like this?”

“You need to be more aware,” Brady said which is what 80% of the blog comments said. So obviously it must mean something.

“How is that going to help if I still suck as a person, Brady?” I cried.

“You don’t,” he said. “You’re one of the brightest and best people I know. You’re used to getting everything you could ever want and no one can fault you for that. Your parents showed you so much love that you are in shock when people aren’t the same way with you. Perhaps a form of only child syndrome.”

I stopped crying to hear Brady’s diagnosis.

“But as I said, you need to be more aware. You know how people perceive you and if you don’t want them to, you need to be more cognizant of how you’re acting. Be yourself. Be the Reese I know. Be the kind, sweet girl who wants to help all the people in need she sees daily, not the tough facade you put on for everyone else. You may be a little bit selfish, but you aren’t mean.”

I sniffled. “You think I’m selfish?”

“Yes, I do. And you’re extremely inconsiderate sometimes. I would blame your parents for that too. Although as an adult, you should know better by now.”

I clinged onto his neck and buried my face in his shoulder. Brady always smells like an expensive bar of fucking soap or something. I’m obsessed.

“Like your parents are who to blame for making you so closed off and making you not want to talk about things,” I pointed out.

“I guess so?” he said even though he knows it’s true.

“I just wish I was a better person. Can you help me be a better person?” I murmured.

“I will,” Brady said. I heard the front door open and footsteps walk through the house, pause and walk down the hall. It sounded like Chris was home. Chris made me think of Carly.

“All my friends are mad at me,” I said.

“Why?” Brady wanted to know.

“Because I’m mean and inconsiderate.” Telling Kendra her wedding and relationship are boring: mean, going against Carly’s wishes: inconsiderate.

“If it’s something you did then apologize and don’t do it again.”

I felt a fresh wave of tears coming on and I cried again until I fell asleep. I woke up when I felt Brady getting up while still holding me. I let me carry me all the way to his room and bed and as soon as I touched the bed, I fell asleep for good in my dress from work. All that crying wore me out.

Brady woke me up on Thursday morning to tell me he was leaving for work.

“Nooo,” I whined. “Can you stay home with me? Tell them you’re sick.”

“I’m sorry, I can’t do that today. I have to go,” Brady replied.

“Please? I don’t want you to leave. Please, please, please,” I pouted.

He looked down guiltily and said, “I really wish I could.”

I realized how selfish I was being asking him to stay home from work. This was exactly what he was talking about.

“Okay, sorry. Have a nice day,” I heard myself say.

“Are you upset? Maybe I can stay home with you tomorrow,” Brady said. Can you believe he offered to stay home with me? No wonder I’m such a brat! He enables me.

“No, it’s okay. You’re so sweet. Don’t be so sweet to me, I don’t deserve it,” I said.

After Brady left I got up and got ready for work. I decided that I was going to reach out to Carly to apologize for everything. I texted her, “Hey. Will you be in the city today? Let’s meet up!”

She never texted me back. So I’m not sure what to do now if she won’t talk to me. And I know why she’s mad, I get it, but I don’t think it’s big enough of a thing to not be friends over. Right?

I actually am staying home from work today, but I didn’t make Brady call off with me even though I would love to spend the day with him. See? I’m getting better already! Seriously though, I think Brady is right and my parents and grandparents are the reason I’m a spoiled brat. Growing up, I didn’t have any siblings to share my parents with and I don’t have any cousins my age. So I’m just used to all the attention being on me and getting whatever I wanted when I wanted it. This isn’t an excuse, but more of an explanation. And Brady is also right that I should have grown out of it by now. So here’s my commitment to do that.

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47 thoughts on “i don’t want to be a mean person.

  1. It was so good to see you recognize in the moment that you were being selfish by asking Brady to call out of work! Those little steps are the first thing you need to do to make bigger changes.
    Proud of you for that!

    Kendra is right in some ways. You are kind of mean. Maybe mean isn’t the exact word, maybe selfish is a better word but it comes across as mean so of course people think that. I think you got a huge wake up call from all of this and I hope to see good things happen.

    • Oh and as for Carly, you can’t really blame her for not answering. Especially when your text message made it seem like nothing was wrong. It may have been the last straw for her.
      Maybe text her an apology first. Tell her your sorry but want to make amends in person, instead of making it sound like everything is just fine.

      • okay. I didn’t realize that I was making it seem like nothing is wrong, I just didn’t want to apologize over text.

  2. I am so proud of you after reading this post. Carly will respond in time (honestly, out of the whole last post, I think she was the most overreactive/unreasonable. Kendra, however, I feel, had a right to be pissed). But both of them will get over it as long as you use this as a fresh start and another chance to show what a great friend you can be. I am so relieved you were open and vulnerable with Brady and that he was receptive to it. I can tell you I’ve been in many similar situations where I was a shitty friend or said mean things while drinking, and it gets overwhelming. Hang in there– you know the kind of person you want to be and only you can make the change.

    • πŸ™‚ I know I can’t believe I just broke down like that in front of Brady. I don’t like being so vulnerable like that in front of anyone, especially him, but he definitely made me feel better.

      • Ella says:

        I thought it was amazing! Moments like that where you make yourselves vulnerable to each other (especially without alcohol!) are what will bring the two of you closer and help make you feel more secure with each other.

  3. Sara says:

    I think Dina is right. One thing I would add about Carly; I would reach out again, but don’t be tentative. Just face up to the situation and say something like “I know Monday was awkward. I figure you are mad at me, and I want to talk about what happened and clear the air. Your friendship is important to me.” That is a straightforward message and she may not respond, but she will at least know you are nit trying to duck the issue. If she doesn’t respond right away, just give her some space. I expect she will talk to you when she is ready.

    One thing Brady could do to help you is you two could get a subtle clue– a word or a signal– that only you two know about. He could quietly signal you when you are out in public when he thinks you might be acting a bit over the top. Self awareness is good, but it is always best in the moment, and he knows you well and can help you be more in the moment.

    It sounds like you had an epiphany here. It’s painful, but I think you can use this incident to turn a corner.

    • I love the idea to say that to Carly and I think it would be hard for her to ignore it if that’s what I said. thank you! I wish you were my best friend so you could give me advice all the time.

  4. Danielle says:

    I’m super proud of you girl. You do need to be more aware, but you recognize that and are going to work on it, so it’s all good. You’ll pull through this. I agree with Sara, you should definitely send Carly a more straightforward text saying that you want to meet up to apologize/clear the air.
    Maybe this is just me, but I understand Kendra was pissed off/had the right to be pissed off, but I thought her reception of your apology was a little rude and mean in itself. I mean, yes your comment wasn’t the nicest, but calling you an unhappy, mean person, etc. is a little much, especially as you’re trying to apologize and change. Idk, I was just a little taken aback by her reaction, I would’ve gone home and cried too. That was hurtful.

    • K says:

      I agree. I know what she said was hurtful, but Kendra has always rubbed me the wrong way. She comes off high and mighty and spiteful. If my friend did that to me and then came and apologized, I’d tell her how I felt, but I wouldn’t be such a yunt about it. It takes a lot to apologize. Take it with some grace…

      • I agree. Kendra and I have been friends forever and maybe we are just growing apart. especially since she’s engaged and everything now.

  5. I really hope that you stick to this plan. Just try role reversal as much as you can and really think about how the other person feels when you say/do things. How would it make you feel if someone said/did those things? etc.. It won’t happen overnight, but it will get easier over time. I’ll be 40 this year and the one lesson I’ve learned is : you don’t have to blurt things out as soon as you think of them. Pause, think about others’ reactions and ask yourself if you will be contributing to a conversation or an argument. It works! Trust me!

  6. Kristin says:

    I agree with Sara that you need to have a buddy system where someone can subtly let you know when you’re acting selfish or mean. I don’t know that Brady is the best person for the job because he didn’t call you out on being selfish when you wanted him to stay home. I think when you’re sober you can catch yourself, but if you continue to drink at the level you do, that’s when you need a buddy.

    As far as Kendra goes, you’re just going to have to show her through your actions that you don’t want to be mean. It’s great that she’s still your friend and gets over it so easily, but her opinion will only change if you show her that you are changing.

    I also agree with others that Carly’s who issue with you and her brother is kind of off. I have two brothers and I wouldn’t care if my friends hooked up with them. They’re related to me so obvi they’re good looking too (j/k)!

    • I don’t think Brady has it in him to call me out all the time lol. like I said, he enables me! and it’s like he’s afraid to say no to me… which is sad.

  7. Luita says:

    You are a good person Reese, we all have things we need to work on. Step one is recognizing what those things are.
    I would have a deeper talk with Kendra though it would bug the heck out of me that someone thinks I’m mean. Why is she still friends with you? I would ask her that. Tell her you are trying to improve and her input would be helpful.
    I love that Brady knows you so well, even better than you know yourself. He knew you were just trying to be nice to the guy at Home Depot because you guys were there so close to closing time.
    Yes, I’ve seen only child syndrome before and it’s annoying to those of us who have siblings, I have 4! But you’ll grow out of it. My friend grew out of it when she started having kids 😜.
    I don’t know what to tell you about Carly because I still don’t understand why she’s so pissed about it. Just text her and tell her you want to apologize in person and see where that goes.
    You are a nice person Reese we all make mistakes and we are all selfish every now and then. Just find the right balance, because I don’t think there’s anything wrong with knowing how to get what you want 😁.

  8. Leanne says:

    Good job Reese! The first step is admitting that there is an issue which you did. Not to be mean I kind of see where Kendra is coming from. You’re comments are mean at times. It doesn’t make you a mean person. Just shows that you don’t think before you speak. This is Kendra’s time and you should try to be more supportive. Planning a wedding is very stressful. Don’t add to it. Carly is upset because you betrayed her. It’s like you said to her millions of times that a guy you once dated was off limits and then she goes behind your back and has sex with him. It isn’t about you banging her brother. It’s about you betraying her. You made a promise and part of being an adult is sticking to your word. People make mistakes but don’t chalk this up to Carly being weird. Talk to her and don’t act like all is well. It will only piss her off more.

  9. I love that Brady was so upfront with you and didn’t sugar coat things. Everyone can be selfish, Reese. It’s normal. It’s how we make the change to not be a selfish brat all of the time that matters. I know you said you have seen a therapist before, and that it didn’t help you, but would you consider trying it again? I have a feeling that you weren’t 100% honest with your therapist because you didn’t want him/her to judge you or because you were embarrassed by your actions. But I’ve been seeing one every week for a year, and it has seriously helped me become a better person and to be more aware of my actions. Just a thought.
    Now that you have reached out to Carly, and she ignored you, don’t bombard her with messages. I would give it a couple of days and if she still hasn’t responded, email her your apology. And tell her that when she is ready to talk that you’ll be there but that you aren’t going to try to force her to talk to you.

    Charli
    Dating-and-commitment.blogspot.com

    • you could be right about the therapist thing. and I was probably super standoffish because I thought seeing a therapist was dumb. I’ll talk to my mom about it (she’s a former therapist and she’s still fucked up so I have a problem taking them seriously).

  10. megg says:

    I wish I could give you a hug! You’re so much better than you think you are. You’re having experiences of growth and learning that are typical for most people at some point during their life. Give yourself credit for recognizing your shortcomings and your willingness to change. Don’t let these moments when you’re lacking define you. Don’t let Kendra define you either. (Personally, I think she’s a bit of a bitchy bully and you might need to evaluate the extent to which you want her in your life). Do decide who you want to become and let that future self define you and your actions. I loved Brady’s interaction with you. He acknowledged things you could work on, but he did it with such love and care. He loves you, he sees the real you, and he believes in you. So corny, right. But you need to have more Brady’s in your corner. Anyone who doesn’t encourage you in your effort to improve, isn’t worth your time.

  11. Y says:

    I am so happy for you. Keep working on yourself. I always say this, you’re a great girl Reese. You just need to be more conscious of your actions.

    Kendra really pisses me off. I don’t think I ever commented on this but I hate the way she talks to you dismissively. I thought the things she said to you one time when she and John were broken up were horrendous and unforgivable but you didn’t even say anything back to her. Did she ever apologize for that? I’m not saying this to dig up the past or condone the things you said to her but I think they were kind of on the same level. People say horrible things. You apologized to her. She should have either accepted or denied your apology (both of which are well within her rights ) for her own reason. But I think the way she spoke to you was out of line. And then to keep talking like it doesn’t matter. She sounds like a bully to me. I get the feeling you don’t stand up to her often. Is this true? Be a good friend but don’t stick with someone who shits on you. I think you need to have a talk with her about the things she said about you and ask her why she is your friend if she thinks all those things. It just makes no sense to me.

    Anyway. Be patient with Carly. She’s probably pissed. Give her time and apologize. Take the blame. If she comes around, move on from it and go on being a good friend to her.

  12. N says:

    So you decided to be a more considerate person and then went over to Kyle’s to talk without discussing it with Brady? Girl.

    • She didn’t go over to Kyles. He texted her and said he thought they agreed to not tell Carli. So she replied to the text. But she didn’t go over there.

      Charli
      Dating-and-commitment.blogspot.com

      • Kelly says:

        She did go to Kyle’s apartment because she wanted to talk to him about Carly. She posted it on Twitter a couple days ago. In my opinion that’s totally disrespectful to Brady. Why go visit Kyle? I was all read to post how proud I was of Reese for her actions in this post until I read her twitter.

    • Luita says:

      We don’t know much about it yet, but it sounds like she went to him for advice on how to handle things with Carly. That sounds reasonable to me. I also understand not wanting to tell Brady. Trust me he doesn’t want to know she hooked up with Kyle while they were broken up

      • N says:

        Judging from the comments on all of Reese’s posts, someone could kill a puppy and you would be like “omg no it’s fine, she was in a bad mood and sometimes people do things they regret. It’s fine don’t you even worry.”

      • Luita says:

        Why do you say that, N? Because I’m not a bitch and decide to judge everything she does? I don’t like acting high and mighty it’s not who I am.
        Like I said we don’t know the whole story yet of her going over to see Kyle so I decide to not judge her.
        Oh and kelly I’m sure there’s plenty of people crying in a corner because you can’t say you are proud of them😭, so sad! that’s sarcasm, in case you needed to know.

      • Luita says:

        PS: N it flatters me that you would either remember all my comments or go back to read them. Thanks! Does that mean I have a fan? 😎

      • Kelly says:

        Luita, who are you to attack me for my comment? It wasn’t directed at you so I don’t get the rudeness of your response. I think that you need to relax and stop attacking posters who share a different opinion that you. I’d beg to differ on you not being a bitch….if you want to share your opinion, that’s fine but don’t act like everyone else who disagrees is a bitch or a hater or jealous. I don’t get your attitude and the attacks on everyone, prefaced with I don’t believe in judging or I’m not a bitch. Being an adult means accepting that others have different opinions than you. This is Reese’s blog and should be about her, not about YOU.

        Further, I stand by my comment. I agree that we don’t know what happened and it could be innocent. It’s not Brady’s business what she did with Kyle while they were on a break but if we’re trying to take his feelings into consideration then Reese shouldn’t be visiting with Kyle regardless of the reason. My take in relationships is that you should not do anything that you wouldn’t want your significant other finding out about. I understand everyone is different.

      • Luita says:

        You are right kelly Im sorry, your comment just rubbed me the wrong way.
        I guess I’m just hungry and tired and that’s why I’m being a bitch! And I can admit my comment was bitchy!
        It does get tiring though seeing how everyone is just waiting for Reese to make mistakes to attack. I hope in your real lives you guys are not like that because how do you manage live like that? I give people the benefit of the doubt and I’m very defensive of the people I consider a friend. It might be creepy but I consider Reese an online friend so that’s why I stand up for her.
        And you are right being an adult means accepting we are all different and do things differently can you apply that to how Reese chooses to do things?

      • Kelly says:

        No is waiting for Reese to make a mistake to attack. If the comments upset you so much, how about not reading them? Here’s the problem with your tirades. First if Reese screws up and someone points it out, that’s not an attack. If my friend was going down the wrong path and making the wrong choices, I would be upfront with her. I wouldn’t sugar coat and enable. Reese writes this blog as a way become a better version of herself.

        I don’t have to do what you say nor does anyone else. Yes I admit we all have our own opinions and ways of doing things but that doesn’t mean that I have to bite my tongue and disregard any poor judgment or thoughts. My comment rubbing you the wrong way is no excuse for your nasty attitude. You’re so busy defending Reese’s behavior and making this all about you when it isn’t. If Reese has an issue with someone’s comment, she’s a big girl and doesn’t need you to fight her battle.

        There’s only so much giving someone the benefit of doubt. If you make a mistake that’s fine but when you keep on repeating the same mistake knowingly, it’s no longer a mistake but a habit. If your friend’s boyfriend was going over to a girl he hooked up with apartment (regardless the reason) unbeknowst to her, would that be cool with you? Think about that and answer the question honestly without your rose-colored glasses on.

      • I think Luita is right that some people wait for me screw up because the only things they ever comment is how stupid I am. and I don’t think anyone has any right to tell me that I shouldn’t have gone to Kyle’s when you don’t know the circumstances or situation or why I went there. just saying.

      • Luita says:

        You are right Kelly! What you have to say is none of my business. I already apologized for being bitchy, what else would you like me to do?
        And like I said I would need more information on why the bf went to see the ex. I wouldn’t jump to conclusions and assume the worst specially because my friends are dating/married to people they trust.
        I have lots of friends with different standards than mine they do things that I don’t do, but I love them anyway and accept our differences. Maybe that’s what makes me more tolerable towards Reese. She’s young still trying to figure out things and I think it’s brave for her to put her life on a blog where everyone is judging her. I don’t agree with some of the things she does and if you’ve read my comments I don’t applaud her for everything I just don’t feel the need to be harsh. Rome wasn’t built in a day, she’s making changes she’s growing. I still make mistakes I’m sure you do too kelly we just don’t blog about them.
        Since we are speculating, let me tell you why I think it’s ok that Reese went to see Kyle. The only reason I see for Carly to get so mad at Reese for hooking up with her bro is if Kyle told her that he likes Reese. So I can see how she can see that as Reese playing with Kyle. So if I were Reese I would’ve gone talk to him and find out what got Carly so mad and maybe clear the air and make sure everything is ok between them. Of course I’m just speculating, we don’t know what happened.
        I wouldn’t tell Brady because then you have to tell him everything and what’s the point? It happened while they were broken up, she stopped seeing him before they even got back together. I agree honesty in a relationship brings trust, but do you really have to tell everything? Because I feel like something like that would just hurt Brady’s feelings to help Reese not feel guilty about it. Isn’t that selfish?
        That is just my opinion, no one else has to agree with it.
        I’m sorry if I made it all about me that wasn’t my intention. I know this is not my blog. But I am a hot-headed Hispanic and sometimes I just answer without thinking. Specially because I subscribe to comments and they come to my email. Sometimes it’s fun to read how worked up people get over Reese’s life and sometimes I’m the one that gets worked up over comments. Oh well….. Sorry to put you through another one of my tirades.

    • Y says:

      Why don’t we wait for Reese to tell us what happened before we make conclusions? I think we can all agree that a tweet is not enough characters to understand what’s going on

      • Luita says:

        PS: N it flatters me that you would either remember all my comments or go back to read them. Thanks! Does that mean I have a fan? 😎

  13. I don’t think it’s right calling you selfish and mean or immature and insecure. I think that you view on Kendra’s relationship is so different from how Kendra views it. You see it as boring and she see’s it as exactly what she has always wanted whether or not she has told you. So by you telling her that she’s become boring and her relationship is boring or whatever, is going to put her on the defensive and make her upset and question why you would say something she doesn’t agree or see. She’s going to think that maybe you’re jealous and you’re insecure with your own relationship that’s why you’re “attacking” hers. She was speaking defensively and with her only reasoning to your comments. Maybe from here on out don’t make any comments what so ever, unless they ask and even then proceed with caution. It’s gonna be hard but biting your tounge and keeping your comments to yourself but it’s what is going to save your friendships for now.

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