I knew I needed to apologize to Kendra about my behavior so I texted her and invited her to get dinner on Wednesday after work. I was really surprised when she actually agreed. I’ll admit, I was unnecessarily hateful to her and it wasn’t okay. I wouldn’t talk to me after that.
Kendra was already sitting at the restaurant when I got there and I greeted her happily.
She said, “Hi Reese,” and didn’t move from her spot so I leaned down to hug her. Kendra and I never hug unnecessarily, but she hugged me back like it was normal.
“What did you order? I’m starving,” I said as I sat down.
“Shrimp skewers. I’m not that hungry. You can have some,” Kendra said.
After some small talk and awkward silence I said, “I’m sorry about Monday. I should not have said those things. I hope you know I didn’t mean it.”
“I know you meant it. You’re immature and said it to get under my skin. I’ve known you long enough,” she said.
“No I didn’t! I was just drunk and said something stupid,” I countered. “I’m honestly really happy for you and John.”
Kendra waved her hands like what I was saying didn’t matter. “I’m not even worried about it, Reese. I know that you’re immature and insecure and you like to instigate drama. You’re not going to make me unhappy just because you are.”
My mouth dropped open. “I’m not unhappy!” I exclaimed. And I’d just like to point out that I think Kendra is the insecure one, but I wasn’t about to say that.
“Yeah, okay. If you aren’t then I’m not sure why you want to ruin everyone else’s happiness. Maybe you’re just a mean person? I don’t know.”
“I’m not. I’m not trying to ruin your happiness, Kendra.” I couldn’t believe that she could even say that I’m a mean person. She’s known me forever. She knows I’m not mean.
“Whatever. Like I said, I’m not worried about it. It’s over.”
I wanted to object and talk about how I’m not mean, but Kendra started asking if I’ve gotten fitted for my bridesmaid dress and stuff. She didn’t even apologize for telling Carly about me and Kyle. And I forgot to even mention it because I was so stunned by what she said to me about being mean.
After dinner with Kendra, I decided to go see Brady. We hadn’t talked much since Monday so I texted him to see if he was home. He said that he was and was just working a little bit so I drove over. I let myself in and found Brady sitting at the dining room table with his laptop and notebook.
“Hi,” I said, sitting next to him.
He glanced up at me and said hello then went right back to his work. I couldn’t tell if he was mad at me or if he was just busy/preoccupied and I just sat there watching him. Watching him work and write and be so concentrated just seemed so harmless and innocent. Like he’s such a sweet guy. I thought about what Kendra said about me and wondered why Brady would even want to be with a mean person like me. He deserved a nice, sweet girl who could charm the pants off him and his friends and his family. One who wouldn’t drink until she starts blurting out hurtful things to her friends. I burst into tears.
“Reese?” I heard Brady say. “Are you okay?”
I nodded, trying to pull myself together but I was bawling so hard that I couldn’t even say anything. What a hot mess.
The first time Brady said my name, he sounded unsure and cautious, but this time he sounded gentle and concerned. I felt him grab me and I let him pull me onto his lap. “Hey. What’s wrong? Why are you crying?”
“I don’t want to be a mean person,” I sobbed.
“You aren’t. Did someone say you were?” Brady said.
“Everyone thinks that. I don’t try to be mean to anyone, I really don’t! Everyone thinks I’m this big mean selfish bitch and I’m not! No one gets me! I’m so misunderstood!”
“Why do you even put up with me? I’m an awful girlfriend. You’re so sweet and nice and I’m mean.”
Brady said, “You aren’t mean.”
“I’m not nice. You don’t even want to talk to me about anything. Why don’t you want to talk to me?”
“Reese, I do want to talk to you. I love talking to you.”
“You don’t tell me anything. Why are you with me? Do you even like me?” I was still crying and borderline hysterical at this point.
Brady didn’t answer so I continued. “I’m such a bitch. Why do you let me treat you like that? Just dump me! I deserve it!”
“I don’t want to dump you. What’s going on? Why are you-”
I didn’t let him finish and blurted out, “I flirt with others guys in front of you! Why don’t you care?”
“I know you aren’t seriously interested in them. That’s your way of being nice. See, you’re nice,” Brady said.
I wiped my eyes with the back of my hand and probably smeared my mascara everywhere. “I don’t want to be like this anymore. I don’t want to be selfish and mean and terrible. Why am I like this?”
“You need to be more aware,” Brady said which is what 80% of the blog comments said. So obviously it must mean something.
“How is that going to help if I still suck as a person, Brady?” I cried.
“You don’t,” he said. “You’re one of the brightest and best people I know. You’re used to getting everything you could ever want and no one can fault you for that. Your parents showed you so much love that you are in shock when people aren’t the same way with you. Perhaps a form of only child syndrome.”
I stopped crying to hear Brady’s diagnosis.
“But as I said, you need to be more aware. You know how people perceive you and if you don’t want them to, you need to be more cognizant of how you’re acting. Be yourself. Be the Reese I know. Be the kind, sweet girl who wants to help all the people in need she sees daily, not the tough facade you put on for everyone else. You may be a little bit selfish, but you aren’t mean.”
I sniffled. “You think I’m selfish?”
“Yes, I do. And you’re extremely inconsiderate sometimes. I would blame your parents for that too. Although as an adult, you should know better by now.”
I clinged onto his neck and buried my face in his shoulder. Brady always smells like an expensive bar of fucking soap or something. I’m obsessed.
“Like your parents are who to blame for making you so closed off and making you not want to talk about things,” I pointed out.
“I guess so?” he said even though he knows it’s true.
“I just wish I was a better person. Can you help me be a better person?” I murmured.
“I will,” Brady said. I heard the front door open and footsteps walk through the house, pause and walk down the hall. It sounded like Chris was home. Chris made me think of Carly.
“All my friends are mad at me,” I said.
“Why?” Brady wanted to know.
“Because I’m mean and inconsiderate.” Telling Kendra her wedding and relationship are boring: mean, going against Carly’s wishes: inconsiderate.
“If it’s something you did then apologize and don’t do it again.”
I felt a fresh wave of tears coming on and I cried again until I fell asleep. I woke up when I felt Brady getting up while still holding me. I let me carry me all the way to his room and bed and as soon as I touched the bed, I fell asleep for good in my dress from work. All that crying wore me out.
Brady woke me up on Thursday morning to tell me he was leaving for work.
“Nooo,” I whined. “Can you stay home with me? Tell them you’re sick.”
“I’m sorry, I can’t do that today. I have to go,” Brady replied.
“Please? I don’t want you to leave. Please, please, please,” I pouted.
He looked down guiltily and said, “I really wish I could.”
I realized how selfish I was being asking him to stay home from work. This was exactly what he was talking about.
“Okay, sorry. Have a nice day,” I heard myself say.
“Are you upset? Maybe I can stay home with you tomorrow,” Brady said. Can you believe he offered to stay home with me? No wonder I’m such a brat! He enables me.
“No, it’s okay. You’re so sweet. Don’t be so sweet to me, I don’t deserve it,” I said.
After Brady left I got up and got ready for work. I decided that I was going to reach out to Carly to apologize for everything. I texted her, “Hey. Will you be in the city today? Let’s meet up!”
She never texted me back. So I’m not sure what to do now if she won’t talk to me. And I know why she’s mad, I get it, but I don’t think it’s big enough of a thing to not be friends over. Right?
I actually am staying home from work today, but I didn’t make Brady call off with me even though I would love to spend the day with him. See? I’m getting better already! Seriously though, I think Brady is right and my parents and grandparents are the reason I’m a spoiled brat. Growing up, I didn’t have any siblings to share my parents with and I don’t have any cousins my age. So I’m just used to all the attention being on me and getting whatever I wanted when I wanted it. This isn’t an excuse, but more of an explanation. And Brady is also right that I should have grown out of it by now. So here’s my commitment to do that.