i hope this isn’t the end. 

Brady said I’m the most selfish person he’s ever met. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised, but I was. But it did inspire me to be better. No one wants to hear that, especially from the person who they are supposed to marry.

I told him that I think I should move out and we should just do our own thing for a while. And he said, “I don’t care what you do, Reese. You are going to do what you want regardless of what I think anyway. You’re the most selfish person I’ve ever met.”

But let me backtrack. We’d already had prior plans to go to Massachusetts for Brady’s dad’s party the weekend after the election. Luckily we were talking more and neither of us even mentioned canceling. On the flight there, Brady talked a lot about work and how stressful and exciting it’s been. It was nice that he was actually talking to me and telling me about his life because I can’t even remember the last time he did that. Usually it’s “hello” and “goodbye” and “I’m going to pick up dinner, do you want anything?”

Brady’s parents sent a car to pick us up from the Boston airport because they’d be arriving after us. So it was weird to be in Brady’s parents house without them. Like even quieter and spookier. And I was freaked out that his mom had hidden cameras everywhere and was watching us remotely for ammo to use against me later. I don’t know.

Brady found a bottle of whiskey and made Old Fashioneds.

“Hunter’s coming. He will be here tomorrow,” Brady said as he next to me at the island. “Last minute decision. Dom and the kids are staying home.”

I wrinkled my nose. “I’m surprised. He hates coming here more than you do.”

Brady shrugged. “I’m sure he just needs an escape.”

I had some snide remarks I wanted to say, but maturity. I nodded. “What time do you think your parents will get here?”

He said, “Probably soon.”

It was about 8:30 at that time so we sat at the island and had a couple more drinks for the next hour. We were happy and tipsy when we noticed lights pulling into the driveway.

“They’re here!” I squealed, as if that was anything to be excited about.

Brady stood up and started cleaning up our cups and the liquor and I stood up to greet the parents at the door.

Brady’s mom opened the door and looked startled to see me.

“Hi, welcome home,” I said and giggled.

She just scowled at me. Brady’s dad followed her in behind the driver who had their luggage.

“Hello! How are you?” the dad said, immediately pulling me into a hug. Such a nice guy.

Brady joined us in the foyer and his mom immediately began questioning him. I could tell Brady was drunk and annoyed because he began mumbling answers and rolling his eyes.

“I’m sure you’re tired. I’ll make you a cup of tea?” I said to Brady’s parents.

His mom raised her eyebrows at me and walked past us toward the kitchen. Guess not.

The four of us sat around the island for a little while talking. Brady’s mom mostly just asked Brady about work and nodded proudly at how well he’s doing. There was a short lull in the conversation and Brady’s dad cut in and said, “What’s new with you, Reese? Is work going okay?”

“Of course,” I said. “Why wouldn’t it be?”

“Things must be more than okay if you’ve stayed this long,” Brady’s mom said cutting her eyes toward me.

Little does she know that I’ve been low key browsing job boards just to see what’s out there.

I slept downstairs in my little dungeon room that night and for the first time, I didn’t sneak up to Brady’s room and he didn’t sneak down to me. So I read on my tablet until I fell asleep.

The next morning, Brady and I took one of the cars to Boston to pick Hunter up from the airport. On the way back, we stopped to get alcohol to get us through the day and night. Obviously we’d need it.

We all went to dinner in the city before the party that night. I could tell Brady’s mom disapproved of my midi bodycon dress, but I didn’t even care because I looked cute and she doesn’t matter anymore. It was Hunter’s turn to be on the hot seat as their parents grilled him about his work and Dom and the kids.

Eventually Hunter said, “Everything is fine. The wife is fine. The babies are fine. It’s cool. Chill.”

I smirked at him. Brady would literally never dismiss his mother like that, but I wish he would.

Also for the first time, Anna was not at the party. I asked Brady if she was going to be there when we walked in and he said, “Uh, I don’t know actually. I think she’s traveling this month.”

Ever since our little rendezvous, I noticed that Brady and Anna stopped talking as much. She still emailed him and stuff, but his responses were short if he even responded at all.

I looked out for her a little bit when we first got there, but forgot about her as we started drinking.

Brady announced that he needed to go to the restroom and I told him I’d go with him because I’m just annoying like that. It was a single stall and I touched up my makeup while Brady did his business. When he was finished, I confronted him about us being on a break.

“Honestly, I think breaks are stupid and I don’t believe in them. So either you want to break up or not,” I said.

He shrugged as he washed his hands.

And that’s when I brought up the whole moving out thing. I honestly did think it’s probably best that I move out, but I also just wanted to gauge his reaction. And that’s when he called me selfish.

“How am I selfish? What else am I supposed to do?” I exclaimed.

“I don’t care. Do whatever you want, Reese,” Brady said and then he walked out.

I stayed in the bathroom for a little while, texting Kendra. She was complaining about being pregnant and the baby and I felt ridiculous for being drunk and fighting with Brady. Like, will I ever grow up? So I didn’t mention it.

I went back out to the party and found Brady and Hunter. Brady didn’t even look at me.

“There you are, little lady. We’re headed to the bar,” Hunter said.

And I didn’t really have a choice, but go with them. What else was I supposed to do, stay at the party and hang out with Brady’s parents? No thank you.

We Ubered a couple miles away to a bar where Hunter knew the bouncers. Brady had to go to the bathroom again immediately and Hunter and I told him we would meet him at the bar and order him a drink.

“Your brother is so mean sometimes,” I told him.

Hunter’s eyebrows shot up. “Really? Why do you say that?”

I explained to him what happened in the bathroom and then backtracked and explained the situations with Scott and Christian.

“Look, Brady is sensitive as shit. You know that. He’ll relax soon,” Hunter said. “In fact, let’s get him a shot.”

Brady kind of just ignored me all night. Luckily Hunter was going out of his way to include me because he knew what Brady was doing. At one point, Brady went to the bar to get a beer and Hunter put his arm around my waist.

“Cheer up. He’s gonna come around,” he said. I could tell he was really drunk because his eyes were creepy and low. I pulled away from him.

And then later, Hunter said, “Hey, don’t be upset. Brady is being an idiot. You’re hot. He’s going to keep you around.”

Um, wtf. And Brady was standing right there next to us. What a fucked up thing to say. I thought Hunter was more mature than that (remember that conversation we had about Dom when I first met him?), but obviously boys will be boys.

It pissed me off though. Not that Hunter owes me anything. But like, dismissing my concerns about Brady because I’m hot? Ew.

Carly got married. I can’t roll my eyes hard enough. She was a huge bridezilla bitch the week before the wedding and it annoyed me. I wanted to be like, “You don’t even want to marry Chris, you just want a wedding.” But that’s mean.

Brady and I didn’t really talk or see each other much that week, but I’d been looking at apartments. I texted Hunter something like, “He still isn’t talking to me,” and Hunter sent back some confused face .gif.

We put on a pretty convincing show at the wedding, pretending nothing was wrong. Carly’s mom even mentioned us being next. But then at the reception all of us got really drunk. The four of us plus some of Brady and Chris’s friends were hanging out and I heard Chris say, “So Brady man, are you getting any pussy tonight?”

SERIOUSLY?

I was drunk and had a delayed reaction, but pushed Chris when I realized what he said. Brady laughed. And when I woke up on Sunday morning, I decided that I am for sure 100% moving out. And I was so distraught by what Chris said that I grabbed Preston and we ditched the party to go to Boystown.

So I’m moving into my place next weekend. I’m really, really sad about it, but I think it’ll be good for me. I couldn’t move this past weekend because I was in Houston, but now my dad is going to come help me on Friday.

It sucks. I feel like I wasted all that time with Brady and now I’m back to where I started. If we were mad at each other, it would feel different, but he’s being nice, cordial and even offered to help me get all my shit out (but he told my dad he would help which is worse). So now it really feels over.

I needed to get out of Chicago so I went home to Houston for Thanksgiving. I haven’t gone home in forever and it felt kind of nice to do the whole family thing. I decided to stay with my mom because she was so incredibly excited that I was coming and I figured she (we) could use the company.

And obviously, when I was in Houston I saw Christian. I’d had such an awful day on the Wednesday before that I drank until I passed out on the flight. I Ubered to my mom’s, changed into a dress and met Brittany at a restaurant opening.

She squealed and threw her arms around me. “You look so good! How are you?” I noticed her checking behind me (probably looking for Brady because I hadn’t told her anything) and then look back at me with a sympathetic smile.

We met up with Christian later at a club where his friend was DJing. Christian knows pretty much everyone in the music industry in Houston. He too pulled me into a hug, kissed my cheek and kept a hand on my lower back the whole night. So if Brittany hadn’t caught on by then, she definitely did now.

I went home fairly early, but Christian and I made plans to see each other the next morning – without Brittany. We went to breakfast and then back to his studio so he could work.

Christian sat down at his computer and said, “So tell me what’s up?” without even looking at me.

That kind of irritated me, but I wasn’t about to say anything and start drama so early on.

“Not a whole lot. I’m moving into my apartment next weekend so… you’ll be able to come visit me,” I said.

“Good. I’d like to do that,” Christian said, grabbing my knee, but not looking over at me. He noticed I didn’t say anything and finally looked at me. “I’d like to see more of you.”

I hung out with him for a couple hours while he worked and he showed me some of his work. Eventually we needed to go be with our respective families, but we made plans for dinner on Friday night. On my way out, Christian grabbed me and kissed me on my forehead which almost felt more intimate than my lips.

I spent Thanksgiving with my mom only because both sets of grandparents were on vacation and that’s really the only other family I have. My dad texted me telling me “Happy Thanksgiving,” but when I replied asking what was doing I never got an answer. And when I told my mom, she assured me that he was with his girlfriend.

“He doesn’t have a girlfriend, Mom,” I said, rolling my eyes. “Y’all aren’t even divorced.”

After spending the night with Christian on Friday and all day Saturday, I decided to go clubbing with Brittany on Saturday night. I was enjoying his company a little too much and I already knew I was going to be devastated having to go back to Chicago and be ignored by Brady. So I thought a blackout night was in store.

Brittany is talking to this older real estate investor who has like a ton of money. He had a table at the club and Brittany and I were taking advantage of the bottle service.

Do y’all remember my story about Trevor, the guy I hooked up with when we were in high school? I saw him out and I don’t think I’ve ever been more excited to run into someone. I was walking back from the bathroom and he recognized me first.

“Reese?” he asked in a really surprised voice.

“Oh my God!” I exclaimed and threw my arms around him. “What are you doing here?”

“What?” he shouted back.

“How are you?” I asked.

Trevor pointed to his ear indicating that he couldn’t hear me so I grabbed his arm and pulled him to the bathroom corridor where it was quieter.

“What’s up? How are you? It’s so good to see you,” I said.

“It’s good to see you, too. You look great.” Trevor gave me an appreciative nod after glancing over my body.

We stood there for probably 10-15 minutes talking about life (can’t even remember what), and eventually he said his friends were leaving soon so he needed to get going.

“Okay, well we will talk soon, okay?” I said. And then we both leaned in and kissed each other. This lasted a couple of seconds and then Trevor grabbed my shoulders and pulled away.

“I was going to kiss you on the cheek,” he laughed. “I have a girlfriend and she has spies everywhere.”

“I was going to kiss you on the cheek, too!” I lied and then shrugged. “Sorry.”

I headed back to our table and to my surprise, Christian had showed up. I hadn’t invited him or told him where I was. I still jumped in his lap nevertheless.

“Oh my gosh, missed you!” I said kissing him, just two minutes after kissing Trevor.

We made out there for a little bit and then Brittany called us for a picture. I knew it would absolutely end up on Facebook within seconds, but I didn’t care. I flipped my hair over my shoulder and smiled big for her.

We stayed until the bouncers were literally kicking people out and then I demanded to go get food. IHOP was the only thing open which I was okay with. Christian, Brittany, Brittany’s man and I grabbed a booth and ordered half the menu.

“So, are you going to go back to Chicago and forget about me?” Christian asked me.

I shook my head. “Of course not. I’m going to visit so much. Just watch.”

But on the plane ride home, I realized that I was probably just wasting both of our time. I hate going to Houston, especially with my parents fighting like this.

So I’ve been kind of short with him since getting back and making every excuse to why I can’t FaceTime (but Brady being in the other room is actually a pretty valid reason).

Speaking of Brady, he wants to keep custody of Tucker and give me visitation rights which I think is so unfair. I’m the only one who ever takes Tucker out for walks and buys him things, Brady just plays with him sometimes when he gets off work. He has no idea about Tucker’s routine and what he likes. Why does he think Tucker should stay with him?

I asked and Brady rolled his eyes impatiently. “You can see him whenever you want. You can even keep your key. I’m not going to take Tucker from you.”

And I will definitely take him up on the offer to keep my key.

I’m so depressed. I don’t know how to get over this. I know it’s going to take time, but now it hurts so much that I don’t see how I’m going to make it. I thought Christian would be a good distraction and he was, but now I’m back to reality and in Chicago and in the same house as Brady and Christian couldn’t be farther away. And now I’m even more depressed with the holidays coming up and Brady’s birthday. I’m just like really sad. And I’m having trouble remembering what I was like and I did before Brady. He’s been such a huge part of my life and I’m kind of hoping this isn’t the end. 

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27 thoughts on “i hope this isn’t the end. 

  1. DB says:

    Hang in there! I totally know the feeling. I left my ex last year after 7 years together, 5 years living together (and I had to leave the 2 dogs we had together too, which was heartbreaking). It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done and I didn’t know how I’d get through it. But eventually it does get better! Time will tell, if you and Brady are meant to be together, it will work out. And if not, you will eventually make it through this and come out even stronger. I think you are doing the right thing by moving out. If nothing else, it will give you both space to figure out what you both want. Living together and having no escape can make a situation really toxic in my experience.

  2. Lesley says:

    How can you say you hope this isn’t the end? You went home and hooked up with not one, but two guys and didn’t think of Brady once. This has to be the end. Put yourselves out of your misery.

      • Jenny says:

        Kissing two men when your with the man you want to marry isn’t hooking up? God Reese, you’re so dense sometimes. After all of your antics you expect Brady to open up and be super sweet to you. Grow up. If you want respect give some. Your statement about your dress at the party and not caring what Brady’s mom thinks shows how selfish and closed minded you are.

        brady and you are better off apart. Move out, give him back the keys because based on previous actions you’re likely to go their and snoop for proof Brady is doing something shady or with another woman. You’ve made so many mistakes and yet make no effort to change. Saying and doing are two different things. I think you need to play the field and continue doing you.

        I think you came off as extremely spiteful and jealous when referencing Carly getting married. She has what you want and you can’t deal with that. You’re dramatic all the time. Why can’t Carly when her wedding is days away.

  3. I know this hurts, but I think it’s probably for the best. Before you get engaged/engagement is supposed to be one of the happiest times of your life, and I think you and Brady have kinda run your course. Despite saying that he wants to change (and even going to counseling a few times), he still remains a shitty communicator and you just know he’s never going to stand up to his mom the way Hunter does. Plus, the fact that he doesn’t care about Hunter being unfaithful to Dom is a pretty nasty red flag.

    I’m sorry things didn’t work out, boo. I know y’all loved each other but these problems wouldn’t disappear with a ring.

    • Luita says:

      I agree with this. I think a lot of people are going to blame the break up on you. But it’s both of you, you guys just weren’t that great together. He didn’t provide the things you needed from a boyfriend. You need lots of attention and someone that communicates better. He just didn’t see you as a partner.
      Just do you for a while. Try to find things you like to do, like art. Try the “Meetup” app, you can find people that like doing the things you like. You don’t necessarily have to meet guys, but maybe you can make some new girlfriends.
      You are stronger than you think you are, try finding that confidence you once had, you don’t need a man to know you are worth it.
      Best of luck to you in this new journey.

  4. Sylvia D Woodring says:

    Please do not take this the wrong way Reese, but I think you and Brady are toxic fr one another. You should be with someone who makes you not want attention from another man. Someone that brings out the best in you, not the worst. For what it is worth, here is the advice I gave to my sister:

    1- Move out and go to therapy for yourself. Find out why you do the things you do. If you want to be married, find out why you sabotage your relationship by seeking attention from all sorts of men, Find out why you feel you need the attention in the first place, Find out why you stay friends with people who bring you down. Find out why you stay with a man that brings you down. Find confidence in yourself. Find respect for yourself. Once you have confidence and respect for yourself, other people will too.

    2- If you think you can take care of your puppy, take him with you. Visiting him at Brady’s is not going to help you find out what you want. You are the one that wanted the dog, you brought him home, if you want him, you take him.

    All the best.

  5. kelseyxsays says:

    TBH, why do you want to keep subjecting yourself to this hurt?! It’s so unhealthy! I’m so confused as to why you even want to continue trying to pursue a relationship when you both continuously hurt each other and do not have any trust. You have to gain your confidence back, girl! It’s so sad to read you saying you’re so depressed, etc. That is so not the YOU we all came to know in this blog!

    Brady is not your end game. It’s just not in the cards, and I think you both know it. It may be uncomfortable and sad to realize this. But why delay and fight the inevitable? I PROMISE, there is another wonderful, amazing man that will come swooping in and make you wonder why you ever stayed with Brady for so long. This is absolutely one of the few times in life where it is OKAY to be selfish!

    I’m sorry about Tucker, that would absolutely kill me to have to leave my furbaby. Maybe you can work that issue out a little more.

      • kelseyxsays says:

        ????????

        That’s literally the ONLY thing you took from my comment??? You’re in such denial. An idea of a ‘perfect relationship’ was not even implied in my comment. The fact that you took it that way speaks volumes. 🙄 Eesh.

      • kelseyxsays says:

        Your relationship with Brady. It’s so toxic. You’re like a relationship drug addict – you just can’t kick the habit because it’s just too hard for you to accept and move on. Even though it is the best decision IMO.

        What other reason could you have for putting yourself through this every other week with him??? It doesn’t make sense. It’s not about a relationship being PERFECT or imperfect. Nobody is perfect. But, this is not how healthy, happy, in-love people behave in a relationship. Period.

  6. I know how much it hurts after a break-up! The moving out part is so hard! I personally started to feel very liberated soon after I moved into my own place after my first marriage ended. I enjoyed having my freedom and being on my own schedule and making my own choices. This may be the best thing for you!

    I always got the impression that Tucker was more your dog. You were the one who wanted him and spends the most time with him. Brady being insistent that Tucker stay with him makes me think he might be using the dog as a way to keep you coming around. Be careful about that. It is hard to move on when you still are connected to him. If I were you, I’d just give the key back and have a schedule for keeping Tucker, and maybe have Brady drop the dog off at your place and pick him up when it’s your turn for a visit.

  7. Amanda says:

    Im on the complete other side of everyone else. I think if both of you took the time and space and figured out how to improve your own issues, that you would make it work together. When you guys first got together it was great because you thought of each other first. Sometimes you need to take things back to the first level and start over again. I don’t believe relationships can’t be fixed if they are what both people want. Either way I hope time alone allows you both time to figure out what you want. I know you don’t want to hear this but maybe take a complete break from partying and dating. Spend time with Kendra and the baby and decide what it is you want from life – from friends, to a partner to your job. If you do end up breaking up, do it with a clear head and finally end it. IMO starting out in a relationship with a new guy while technically still with the last one is such a bad idea. If this guy doesnt care you are with someone else then hes likely not going to be faithful.

  8. C says:

    Hey Reese! I haven’t replied in awhile. I’m so sorry this is happening this sounds so hard. I agree with a poster above that he may be doing the Tucker thing to keep you coming around. I’d point out to him all of the things you do for Tucker and if Brady originally purchased him, I’d offer to pay and give Brady the visitation rights. I do think Tucker or not, there needs to be a clean break even if for a little bit. Maybe you could ask Brady to speak in a month and suggest that you keep the dog for that time period — somehow, I don’t think Brad will care at that point. Do not let him walk all over you on this front.

    I agree with everyone above that you should focus on yourself for a bit. I think you should sign up for weekly therapy and go once a week for at least 3-6 months (maybe longer) and try to determine why you want attention from guys, where you stand with spending etc. I don’t mean any of this in a critical way — many of us, myself included have the same issues, but I think this is a great time to figure it all out.

    I also think some of your friends are really toxic. I’m not going to suggest you forgo all nights out with Preston etc — you need your releases and to have fun 🙂 However, I think you need to think through 2-3 people who really have your back (NOT KENDRA OR CARLY. God I can’t stand when people say Kendra is an amazing friend to you. She sucks although helping her with the baby etc might be a good release while you look for other friends). I’d join a book club, church or meditation center, running club or workout studio etc. maybe take a cool class and try to distract yourself with those activities while also seeking out some friends who will be good influences, not judge you (hey carly and kendra!!!! *rolling my eyes*).

    Congratulations as always for being so brave to put everything out there. You are an amazing woman and I know you will continue to do great things and have an amazing life.

    Finally, I’m so sorry your parents are being awful and not supportive influences 😦

  9. C says:

    One other thing — Brady’s dad is sick right? He might be particularly difficult these days because of that.

    I think before you lave you should sit down with him and try to have a talk about how he is feeling and if there is anything you could do to support him. I think that might go a long way. If he understands how sad you are and that you really want to support him that might really help

  10. Sara says:

    I am sorry how things are playing out with Brady, but maybe time away is just as well so you can clear your head. I do think Christian in your life is a bad idea. If you and Brady are meant to be, there is no room for Christian. He has given all the signs he wants to be more bf than friend. Even if you ARE done with Brady, you need to mourn/process so you can move on. As to who you were before Brady, that woman is gone. 2+ years later, you are a different person. As always, hang in there, hugs and keep moving forward!

  11. Joyce says:

    I’m so sad for you and your relationship. I don’t think Brady wants you to move out, but there’s an understanding that your relationship isn’t in a good place and you’ll need to figure things out on your own. Keeping Tucker may seem like a jerk move but it does seem that he’s doing it so you’ll keep coming around…if you want to flirt with other men and even kiss them, sit on their laps, offer to keep seeing them, etc then please break up with Brady first. I know you tried to communicate with Brady about the moving out idea but it just seemed very forced from what you described. Instead of in a restroom, how about in a calm setting at home on the couch so it doesn’t feel like an ambush where he has to quickly deal with this situation then go back out to his family. Let him know you’re worried about your relationship and the break is unsettling. Not ‘I don’t believe in breaks so either we’re still together or not’. He seems to need time to collect himself and figure out the relationship too..not just you. Finding out your partner has interests in another man and uncertainty about the relationship is horrible.
    I’m starting to think maybe Brady doesn’t suck at communicating, it’s just that he doesn’t do it the way you do.

  12. Espy says:

    I wish you the best. Sometimes the best desicions are not the ones we would like… sometimes the advice we get is not what we want to hear. All I can say is move on find yourself all over again and learn to love yourself again. Unfortunately in a relationship we all need to communicate and if you guys can’t then there’s nothing you guys can’t do about it. You will be fine and yes you will be depressed for a few days specially during this time of the year but you will get through. There is a rule when breaking up it’s called 21 days and if you are able to not communicate or see him in those 21 days it will eventually work out better for you. Don’t txt him don’t call him don’t stalk him just enjoy that time to yourself and after those 21 days please go out and have fun… you will be happy and ready to start all over 🙂 you deserve to be in a healthy relationship that fulfills all your needs. Give the key back and let him take the dog and go to a pound shop and adopt one of your own. Pretty soon he will let you have it. Take care.

    • C says:

      Agreeeeed on the dog thing. I know that is totally awful but if you have to let him have Tucker — truthfully, I think that will last maybe a week — he can’t handle the responsibility. Go get yourself your own special dog; I think giving it a home and making it happy will give you joy.

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