On Friday night, Kendra, Preston, Carly and I went to a party at Preston’s boss’s – a cute high rise with scenic city views. It was an intimate little soirée and we had lots of champagne and vodka cranberries. We left at around 10:00 and weren’t ready to stop partying yet so we walked to a strip of bars a few blocks away.
Preston bought us a round of Patron shots and as soon as I took it, I knew it was going to be one of those nights. We had another round of Patron, danced, took a few of pictures for Instagram, took a parting Patron shot and headed to the next bar. There, I ordered a vodka water. Vodka waters are a sign of desperation and they’re all I drank in college. The fact that I was indulging in vodka waters in my post-grad life was not a good sign.
At some point, our group had gotten separated so Carly and I worked the bar – flirting with guys and getting free drinks until last call.
We went outside to find our friends and I finally pulled my phone out of my Rebecca Minkoff clutch (I still had it in my possession. Small victories). I had several missed calls from Preston and Kendra and a text from Eric.
“Come over?” The timestamp said 10:22 PM. It was now 3:38 AM.
I sat down on the curb (in my white Hudson jeans, ugh) and called Eric. He didn’t pick up and I figured he was probably sleeping.
“Reesie, Kendra says they’re coming out of the bar now. Do you want to get pizza?” Carly asked, drunkly.
I ignored her and tried Eric again. So what if he was sleeping? Drunk Reese wanted to see him. He didn’t answer and I tried again right away. He finally picked up.
“Yes?” He definitely sounded like he’d been sleeping.
“Hey it’s me!” Drunk Reese exclaimed into the phone.
“Dammit Reese! It’s almost 4:00 in the morning!” Eric yelled.
“I know, but I thought you wanted me to come over,” I said innocently.
“Hours ago. I’m fucking sleeping,” he grumbled into the phone.
“Wow, okay. I thought you wanted to hang out.” I felt the hot tears forming. Drunk Reese doesn’t like being yelled at. Sober Reese would have shouted back, hung up and never talked to him again, but Drunk Reese is much more fragile.
“Reese, I have to be up at 7:00. I don’t have time for this right now,” Eric said, softening his tone.
“Well you didn’t have to yell and curse at me. I just thought you wanted to see me.” I was actually sobbing into the phone. I heard Preston and Kendra approach us but didn’t bother looking up at them.
“I want to see you but not right now,” Eric said calmly. “I have something very important to do in the morning.”
“More important than me I guess. Just like everything in your life,” I cried.
I heard Preston ask who I was talking to and Kendra say she hoped it wasn’t Eric.
Eric sighed. “Don’t do this right now. I’m really tired. Can we talk tomorrow?”
“It is tomorrow!”
Eric didn’t say anything.
“You’re so mean!” I was sobbing again and I heard Kendra tell me to get off the ground.
Eric let out a deep sigh. “Fine. Come over.”
“K. Be there soon!” I said and hung up.
I stood up and turned to my friends with a big smile on my face – as if I hadn’t been bawling my eyes out seconds before.
“I’m taking a taxi to Eric’s,” I announced.
“So you don’t want to get pizza?” Carly asked.
“Reese, don’t go bother him. I’m sure he just wants to sleep,” Kendra said.
“Yeah, with me!” I leaned in and gave them all hugs and then hopped in an idle taxi waiting on the curb.
When I got to Eric’s, he came down and let me in in just pajama pants. I never really stopped to appreciate his huge arms, pecs, 8 pack and delicious happy trail.
“Hiiiiii!” Drunk Reese squealed.
“Shhh. We are going to sleep immediately,” Eric said, leading me to the elevator.
When we got up to his apartment, Drunk Reese realized that she should’ve taken Carly up on that pizza offer.
“Do you have anything to eat? I’m starving,” I said.
“No,” Eric said, walking to his bedroom.
I ignored him and flipped on the kitchen light. I opened the fridge and found leftover pizza, leftover Chinese food, cheesecake, and fresh fruit – all of which looked absolutely delicious.
“You lied!” I shouted, taking the box of pizza out the fridge. It appeared to be meat lovers, something Sober Reese would never partake in, but Drunk Reese was drooling like Pavlov’s dog.
I popped two slices in the microwave with no plate or paper towel under it and set it for two minutes.
“What are you doing?” Eric asked from the bedroom.
“Eating your pizza, liar. Can’t believe you didn’t wanna share with me!”
I hopped up on the counter and texted Kendra letting her know that I was safe at Eric’s. After I ate both slices of pizza I dug into the cheesecake. It was divine. As I was shoveling a huge fork full of cheesecake and strawberries in my mouth, Eric appeared in the kitchen.
“Reese, what the fuck are you doing?” he asked.
“Do you want some cheesecake?” I held the box of cheesecake and fork out to him.
“No. I want to go to sleep.”
I took one last bite of cheesecake and followed Eric out of the kitchen. I took off everything except my thong and climbed into bed.
“Eric, you seem upset. Are you mad at me?” I asked, putting my arm around him.
He shook me off and said, “No. Just… Go to sleep.”
I rolled over and pinned a few things on Pinterest, commented “you look fugly. xo” on someone’s picture on Instagram, and added a dark selfie to my SnapChat story. Then I turned back to Eric and tapped his shoulder.
“What Reese?” he asked, clearly fed up.
“Goodnight kiss?” I asked.
He quickly turned around and kissed me hard. Luckily Drunk Reese fell asleep after that.
I woke up feeling like complete and utter shit. I don’t know who told me I had the right to drink vodka waters. Eric was standing at the foot of the bed, getting dressed and I debated pretending like I was asleep or getting up. My full bladder made the decision for me.
“Morning,” I said, climbing out of bed. I was still naked and my head was throbbing.
“Hey,” Eric said.
I breezed past him to the bathroom and tried to decide if I was going to apologize for my shenanigans. This was the second time Drunk Reese had come out to play at an inconvenient time and Eric was probably so over it/her. But I was drunk, what was I supposed to do? I finally decided that I was going to pretend that nothing happened.
I left the bathroom and Eric was putting on his hat, preparing to leave. “Do you want a ride home?”
“Yes. Just give me a minute to get dressed,” I said. I found all my clothing strewn across the bedroom floor and got dressed while Eric sat at the foot of the bed.
“What do you have to do this morning?” I asked, to break the silence.
“I have an appointment,” he said shortly.
“Oh, that’s nice. Who with?” I pressed on.
“My physical therapist. It’s starting in fifteen minutes,” he replied.
I assumed that meant I needed to hurry so I finished getting dressed and met him at the door. The car ride to my apartment was completely silent but he leaned over and kissed me when he dropped me off.
“I hope your thing goes great,” I said as one last ditch effort to smooth things over.
He simply said, “Thanks,” and that was the end of that.
I spent the rest of Saturday nursing my hangover.
*note: I’m doing a Q&A on the blog next week. Send your questions to email@example.com.
9 thoughts on “drunk reese strikes again.”
Drunk Reese cracks me up!!
Love your blog!
Drunk Reese is painfully real life! We all get a little nutso after the patron starts getting passed around! Parts of this made me cringe because I’ve been this girl a few more times than I’m proud of, but that’s life! 🙂 Loooooove this blog!
thanks! it is definitely real life. i need to stop drinking and turning into a psycho lol.
Wow, I would definitely not have the balls that Drunk Reese has. I don’t fully relate in that way (although my friends and I like to break shit when we’re drunk) but it’s definitely still badass.
Really digging your blog, it makes me want to act a little crazy!
Drunk Reese, you’re ruining me, man. Lol!
she’s ruining me too! 😩
See, train wreck, but you can’t turn away…