On Saturday morning I woke up at Eric’s and we had sex, took a shower, had sex again, watched the end of The Dark Knight, ate half a bag of pretzels, and tried to have sex again. He invited me to grab food, but I realized all I had for clothing was my leather dress i.e. not daytime appropriate so he took me home. We made plans to do dinner on Sunday evening, but he canceled because his parents were in town. Cute.
I ended up going to Kendra’s for dinner because she made chicken carbonara. John was already there and then Preston and Carly joined us. We all sat around Kendra’s little drop leaf table with all of the food and drinks in the middle. It’s so cute how Kendra is working on being domestic. She’s going to be a great wife.
“What did you do last night, Pres? Your snaps were weird,” I asked. Preston had sent me a series of random SnapChats on Saturday night while I was deep conditioning my hair. Some were of his shirtless body, the floor, and random objects in a house. I texted him to see if everything was okay and he said he had no idea where he was. Obviously he was inebriated.
“Oh girl,” Preston said, dramatically. He took a sip of his water for effect. “Do you guys remember Shawn, from Grindr? The one with the foot long dick?”
“How could we forget?” I said.
Preston had exchanged pictures with a hot black guy from the app and he was so appalled by the sheer massiveness of the guy’s penis that he showed all of us. It was terrifying.
“Well, we hung out last night and he got me really drunk off Fireball. We ended up at this party in the suburbs and we went to one of the rooms in the house to have sex,” Preston continued.
“Oh Preston,” Kendra sighed, even though he hadn’t gotten to the climax (pun?) of the story.
“You guys know that I bottom when I’m drunk, right? Do you know where this story is going?”
“Oh no,” Carly said, ominously.
“His penis was so big that I ended up bleeding all over the bed! All over the people’s white sheets! I was mortified!”
I screamed.
“OH MY GOD, I WOULD HAVE DIED!” Carly exclaimed.
“I wanted to. Like, I’ve never bled before. I felt bad for bleeding on those people’s sheets.”
“What did Shawn say?” Kendra asked.
“He said it’s happened to him before. I mean, obviously. His dick is the size of a summer sausage.”
We all giggled, except John who was engrossed in his plate of pasta. I can’t believe he still lets Kendra hang out with us.
The topic switched to me and Eric and I told everyone about our fun night/morning and they seemed impressed.
“So far so good. At least you didn’t threaten to kill him after sex which is a start,” Kendra said.
That only happened once. It was right after I wrecked my Mercedes and I was in a dark place.
John finally excused himself and went home after that and then Carly told us about a guy she’s been hanging out with. If anyone has worse luck with guys than me, it’s Carly. Within the last six months she’s dated a man who was married with a pregnant wife, a felon (extortion), and a homeless guy. She’s such a sweet girl too. She’s a cute little blonde former sorority girl who works as a nanny slash personal assistant for a wealthy family in the suburbs. She parties like Tara Reid in the 2000s, but that doesn’t mean she isn’t a good person.
After dinner, Eric texted me and invited me to spend the night so I went home and packed a little overnight bag. We watched reruns of Chopped, fucked, and snuggled until we passed out.
hot mess in high heels. 