sleep. fuck. eat. repeat.

On Saturday morning I woke up at Eric’s and we had sex, took a shower, had sex again, watched the end of The Dark Knight, ate half a bag of pretzels, and tried to have sex again. He invited me to grab food, but I realized all I had for clothing was my leather dress i.e. not daytime appropriate so he took me home. We made plans to do dinner on Sunday evening, but he canceled because his parents were in town. Cute.

I ended up going to Kendra’s for dinner because she made chicken carbonara. John was already there and then Preston and Carly joined us. We all sat around Kendra’s little drop leaf table with all of the food and drinks in the middle. It’s so cute how Kendra is working on being domestic. She’s going to be a great wife.

“What did you do last night, Pres? Your snaps were weird,” I asked. Preston had sent me a series of random SnapChats on Saturday night while I was deep conditioning my hair. Some were of his shirtless body, the floor, and random objects in a house. I texted him to see if everything was okay and he said he had no idea where he was. Obviously he was inebriated.

“Oh girl,” Preston said, dramatically. He took a sip of his water for effect. “Do you guys remember Shawn, from Grindr? The one with the foot long dick?”

“How could we forget?” I said.

Preston had exchanged pictures with a hot black guy from the app and he was so appalled by the sheer massiveness of the guy’s penis that he showed all of us. It was terrifying.

“Well, we hung out last night and he got me really drunk off Fireball. We ended up at this party in the suburbs and we went to one of the rooms in the house to have sex,” Preston continued.

“Oh Preston,” Kendra sighed, even though he hadn’t gotten to the climax (pun?) of the story.

“You guys know that I bottom when I’m drunk, right? Do you know where this story is going?”

“Oh no,” Carly said, ominously.

“His penis was so big that I ended up bleeding all over the bed! All over the people’s white sheets! I was mortified!”

I screamed.

“OH MY GOD, I WOULD HAVE DIED!” Carly exclaimed.

“I wanted to. Like, I’ve never bled before. I felt bad for bleeding on those people’s sheets.”

“What did Shawn say?” Kendra asked.

“He said it’s happened to him before. I mean, obviously. His dick is the size of a summer sausage.”

We all giggled, except John who was engrossed in his plate of pasta. I can’t believe he still lets Kendra hang out with us.

The topic switched to me and Eric and I told everyone about our fun night/morning and they seemed impressed.

“So far so good. At least you didn’t threaten to kill him after sex which is a start,” Kendra said.

That only happened once. It was right after I wrecked my Mercedes and I was in a dark place.

John finally excused himself and went home after that and then Carly told us about a guy she’s been hanging out with. If anyone has worse luck with guys than me, it’s Carly. Within the last six months she’s dated a man who was married with a pregnant wife, a felon (extortion), and a homeless guy. She’s such a sweet girl too. She’s a cute little blonde former sorority girl who works as a nanny slash personal assistant for a wealthy family in the suburbs. She parties like Tara Reid in the 2000s, but that doesn’t mean she isn’t a good person.

After dinner, Eric texted me and invited me to spend the night so I went home and packed a little overnight bag. We watched reruns of Chopped, fucked, and snuggled until we passed out.

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why are you single?

I didn’t hear from Eric all day on Saturday and Preston came over that evening with a bottle of red and we split it. He told me all about his Grindr conquests of the week – which were equally as raunchy and wonderful as usual. Preston meets up with guys from Grindr and they have the wildest sexcapades you couldn’t even dream up. I’m either seriously repulsed by this or jealous – I haven’t decided yet.

“So I was in the bathroom at the gay bar having sex with the guy from Grindr while my date was waiting with our drinks. Half an hour later, I found my date and we went back to his apartment and had sex,” he told me.

“Preston, no,” I said. That didn’t even sound sanitary.

“Yes! And then the next day, I talked to this sexy Hispanic guy on Grindr and he wants me to have a threesome with him and his boyfriend. We’re doing it tomorrow.”

See what I mean? I don’t even bat a Dior Show coated eyelash at stories like this anymore.

We passed out on my linen tufted sofa and I woke up with a text from Eric.

“Good morning, Reese. Do you want to grab dinner tonight?”

Is water wet? Is Lindsay Lohan back on meth? Of course I did.

I responded, “I would love to.”

He said he was going to the game during the day but would pick me up around 6 PM. Preston and I met Kendra and Carly for brunch then I dragged Kendra to Bloomys to help me pick out an outfit. Three hours and a $600 credit card charge later, I went home with a striped Marc by Marc Jacobs dress and a Rebecca Minkoff bangle plus a Mara Hoffman bikini to wear to the pool this summer.

We went to a sushi place and Eric ordered pretty much the entire left side of the menu for us plus lychee sake which I was obviously okay with. We ate and drank and by 8:00, I was over on his side of the booth – tipsy. Sake really hits me hard.

“Soooo Eric,” I said, touching his massive bicep lightly. “You’re hot, rich, and super sweet. Why are you single?”

I never claimed to be subtle.

He smiled sheepishly. “I don’t know. I guess I’m still seeing what’s out there.”

It was totally a playboy kind of answer but whatever.

“Why are you single, Reese?”

Even in my drunken state I knew that Eric didn’t need to know the ins and outs of my fucked up dating life, but I was going to tell him anyway.

“That’s a good question. I’ve either been cheated on, lied to, blown off, or left to die. I’ve had really bad luck with guys,” I said.

“Left to die?” Eric’s eyebrows shot up.

“Yes! Turns out it was just strep throat, but I really thought it was the end for me.”

He pulled me close – so close that I was almost on his lap – and planted a kiss on my cheek. “You are so adorable.”

Eric paid for dinner and took me home where we made out in his car for fifteen minutes. Just when I was about to invite him up, he pulled away and said, “All right, Reese. Have a good night,” and basically kicked me out of his car. Which honestly is probably good because I got inside and passed out.

When I told Kendra about our second date she said, “This is how it always starts. Everything is fine and perfect and ┬áthen after you have sex with him everything goes down hill.”

“Thanks a lot. So what do you think I should do? Refrain from having sex with him from a while?” I asked.

“Maybe. I don’t know. I’m sure he’s only giving you this much attention because he knows you want to fuck him,” she said.

Which isn’t true. If Eric just wanted to sleep me with then he would’ve. There have been plenty of opportunities. I think he might just be a really sweet guy.

I haven’t talked to him since our date which is okay because I’m sure he’s super busy like I am.

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