i’m expecting jiff under the christmas tree.

Kendra and I made up on Friday. Well, she texted me a picture of a gold sequin dress she’d seen online and asked if she could wear it for New Year’s Eve. I guess that meant she wasn’t mad anymore.

I replied, “Yes, it’ll look perfect with your DSquared booties and your hair up.”

So we are officially back on.

I talked to Diana on Friday afternoon and she told me that she had someone in mind to replace me. She wanted me to meet the girl and sit in on the interview on Monday. Since apparently I’m an interview expert now I said sure. 

After work I met with Preston for dinner. He was craving Chick-fil-a which is (amazing) disgusting, but after what he’s been going through, I figured he deserved it. We got our food and took it to my apartment so we wouldn’t be caught eating it in public. 

“How are you feeling?” I asked as we sat our sandwiches, nuggets, waffle fries, and milkshakes on the counter.

“Honestly, I’m fucking pissed. But on the bright side, I’m back on Grindr and I’m hanging out with this guy later. I kind of missed it.”

He proceeded to tell me about how he’d met up with a Grindr date on Thursday night and they got a hotel room. Preston totally planned on having rebound sex, but he got too drunk and passed out. Story of my life. 

Brady worked late on Friday night, like really late: until almost 11:00. He texted me when he got off, but didn’t make any attempts to hang out so I figured he was probably tired.

On Saturday morning, Brady told me to come over because he missed me which is so cute. When I got there we had breakfast, hooked up, got dressed, went to Bloomingdale’s, went to the grocery store, came home, napped, made dinner then turned on a movie. We’re like a little married couple already.

Chris was home and the two of them decided to smoke. But instead of pulling the big bong out, they had this little glass pipe thing. I was watching curiously because I’ve never seen one before and Brady tried to pass it to me. I shook my head.

After they finished smoking, they sat on the couch, stoned. I was sitting in the middle of them while they talked about gas prices and the economy or something lame. And then suddenly, right in the middle of their conversation, Brady stopped talking and pulled me on his lap and started kissing my neck. I giggled and pushed him away since Chris was right there.

Brady looked up at me with half-open, red stoner eyes. I kissed him quickly and tried to get up but he grabbed my waist and held me down.

“Brady.” I said his name like I was a fed up high school teacher.

He smirked at me while he stuck his hand up my shirt and squeezed one of my boobs. And then he pinched my nipple and I felt my vagina pulsate. Probably time to end this.

I jumped up and scurried off but before I could get too far Brady slapped my ass, hard.

“Isn’t she so hot?” I heard him ask Chris as I turned down the hallway.

Hot? Whatever. I’m way more than hot. I hope Chris defended me. 

I went to Brady’s room and got on Facebook/Instagram/SnapChat/rubbed the sore hand print on my ass. I was looking at puppies (have you seen Jiff the Pom?! Need.) when Brady walked in.

“You hurt me,” I told him.

I was laying on my tummy across the bed and didn’t move from my spot. 

“I’m sorry,” I heard him say as he came behind me. He rubbed my ass softly and then he pulled down my shorts and kissed the tender spot he slapped.

I flipped over slightly and shoved a picture of Jiff in his face. “Can we get a dog?”

Brady stared at Jiff for about fifteen seconds before saying, “That is a genetically modified dog.”

“No he isn’t,” I scoffed. “He’s just really well groomed. Can we get one? It’ll be our first taste of parenthood.”

Brady laughed and said okay. So I’m expecting Jiff under the tree on Christmas.

On Sunday morning, I woke up before Brady and decided to make breakfast. I put some bacon in the oven and then pulled the eggs out of the refrigerator. I noticed the little black pipe thing sitting on the counter and couldn’t help picking it up. I don’t know why I was so intrigued by it.

I was examining the bowl part with the weed remnants in it when I thought I kind of heard something in the hallway and when I looked up Brady was walking into the kitchen. Apparently he scared me and I dropped the pipe on the tile floor. It shattered. Oops.

“What are you doing?” Brady asked and for a second, I thought he was pissed. But then he smiled and walked into the kitchen only wearing a pair of sweatpants.

“I’m making breakfast,” I said sweetly. I couldn’t help throwing my arms around him and kissing him because he’s just so adorable. “Your pipe thingy fell off the counter and broke.”

I pointed to the glass all over the floor. Brady looked down at the mess and looked back at me. And then he grabbed my hips and pulled me close to him so I could feel that he was hard. I grabbed his dick and started stroking it, considering giving him head in the kitchen.

I was about to pull it out when we heard Chris down the hall say, “Smells like bacon!”

We quickly pulled apart and Brady busied himself cleaning up the glass while I continued working on breakfast. Y’all will be proud to know that I made a delicious breakfast without burning anything (except two pieces of toast which doesn’t count).

By the way, thanks for all the comments on my last post! I was honestly hesitant to post it because I was so embarrassed/horrified about the outcome of what I did. None of you made me feel any worse about it so thanks! Some people are saying I should show him the message, but I deleted our message thread on Facebook and I don’t think I can get it back. I’m not sure if I should show him anyway because neither of us has talked about what happened since Thursday night. Do I really need to bring it back up? And how do I do that without pissing him off all over again? (I know, I know, we suck at communicating)

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shake it off.

Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday I was swamped at work since I was in charge of the entire office while Dave and Diana were gone. Nothing crazy really happened, but it seemed like everyone suddenly had all these random ass questions that I didn’t have the answers to. I winged it though and nothing blew up so I think we’re good.

On Wednesday evening, I wanted to let loose from my serious week so I met Kendra, Preston and Dillon for dinner and drinks. I got a baby caeser and a huge pitcher of sangria for the table and immediately chugged an entire glass. Kendra was groaning about how stressful her job has become and now she’s questioning being a lawyer all together and Preston, being Preston, calmed her down in his soothing Kris Jenner voice. Then he ordered us all shots.

Brady texted me at around 7:30 when he got off and I invited him. Dillon started telling us about how he recently met a modeling scout who wants him to do a nude test shoot this weekend. I told him that it sounds sketchy, but he assured me that it is completely legit. I let him know that I want to see the photos when he’s finished though.

By the time Brady arrived, I was tipsy, but not quite drunk.

“Oh my God, hiiiiiii!” I squealed, jumping up to hug him. 

We sat down and I poured him a glass of sangria while I filled him in on what we were talking about.

“So does posing nude seem normal for a first time test shoot?” I asked.

“I’m not familiar with that industry so I’m not sure,” Brady answered. I rolled my eyes at his politically correct answer. Just agree with me.

For the next half an hour we drank and talked about random stuff. I excitedly asked everyone if they heard about how the US Ebola patient had died and the extreme precautionary measures they were taking to dispose of his body. Kendra asked me to stop because it was making her lose her appetite. Rude.

I was complaining to Brady about my week when the host led a group of three older people to the table next to us. One of the men called Brady’s name.

“Hello!” Brady stood up to greet him. They all shook hands and then Brady introduced me to one of the lead surgeons from the hospital and his wife who is a nurse at the hospital.

“Wow Brady, you’ve really done well for yourself, huh?” the surgeon, George, said and he nudged Brady and winked at me.

Brady shrugged all sheepishly and I stood there like a trophy wife while they talked for a little bit. George kept trying to bring me into the conversation which was nice, but sometimes I’m better seen than heard (I’m sure we can all agree).

We sat back down and ordered more drinks and food. Kendra, Preston, Dillon and I were talking and laughing really loudly and George kept leaning over to our table to comment and laugh with us. I was sitting closest to him so I was getting most of his attention and I could smell on his breath that he had enjoyed some adult beverages himself. George kept saying my name and commenting on how I was eating my zucchini fries. If our significant others weren’t sitting on either side of us, I would think he was actually flirting with me. Definite creepy old man vibe.

At one point after I was drunk, I was taking a selfie with Brady on my phone. I started reviewing the picture and George said, “You don’t want to take a picture with me, Reese?”

I giggled and turned the camera back on to take a picture with him. As soon as I snapped the picture, he turned his head to kiss me on the cheek. Ew. Too far.

That “Shake It Off” song by Taylor Swift came on and Dillon screamed, “This is my fucking jam!”

He stood up and grabbed Preston and me and we ran to the little dance floor in the restaurant. On weekend nights, the place turns into a bar/club, but this was Wednesday so no one was dancing. Except us. Yolo. 

I don’t know how, but I knew every word to that ridiculous ass song. I can’t even remember hearing it more than one time prior to this incident. Brady had his back to me and was talking to George, who was watching us. As the song was ending I skipped back to our table and shook it off a little bit in front of George before sitting back down between him and Brady.

About half an hour later, Kendra decided she had to go so we started wrapping our evening up.

“I took the el here, can I go home with you?” I purred in Brady’s ear.

“Sure,” he said, not looking at me.

George insisted on hugging me before we left since we are besties now and his wife gave me a tight smile. She probably needs to keep him on a tighter leash.

The ride to Brady’s was silent, but I didn’t notice/care because I was too busy SnapChatting and Facebooking.

When we got inside and to his room, Brady said, “Are you even going to apologize for what you just did?” 

“Whaaattt?” I whined, looking at him in utter confusion. What I did? 

“You embarrassed me,” he said.

“I was just having fun!” I said innocently.

“Of course you were. Do you care about anything or anyone besides yourself?”

I opened my mouth to say something, but I actually didn’t have an answer to that.

“I don’t even know what the fuck goes on in your head sometimes.”

“Umm, ooookay,” I said slowly. I don’t like being on the receiving end of a confrontation. Especially when drunk. The tears were already threatening to form. “I guess I’m going to leave.”

“Yeah, maybe you should,” Brady said hastily.

I spun on my heel and marched out, but it wasn’t until I got outside that I realized I didn’t have my car. I thought about going back inside and apologizing so I could pass out in Brady’s warm bed, but that’s just not me. I trekked to the bus stop and went home to cry.

And no, we haven’t talked since.

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do i have a boyfriend?

I spent the night with Brady on Friday night (literally nothing happened) and he insisted we go for that run on Saturday morning. This is exactly what I meant by I don’t know how long I can fake it. I’m not a runner. I don’t like running and definitely not at 8:00 AM when I just want to snuggle in bed.

Brady took me home after that because I looked and felt disgusting. He told me he would come pick me up at 6:30 PM for the charity event.

I got lunch with Preston then we got pedicures and he waited while I got a trim. He said that he and Mr. Murphy went and looked at cars last week and he has his eyes on a Jeep. I wonder when Brady and I can go look at cars. I’m definitely ready for a new one. 

I did a light smokey eye for the event with a matte red lip and I was surprisingly 100% ready by the time Brady came to get me. I got out of the elevator and walked through my sprawling apartment lobby. 

“Looking good, Reese! Hot date?” Frank, my doorman, called. 

I smiled. “I suppose.”

Brady was parked illegally in the alley next to my building and was waiting outside his car for me.

When he saw me, he broke into a warm smile. “Wow.”

Brady looked really, really good in a tailored charcoal suit and black bow tie. We didn’t even plan it, but we were totally matching. Soulmates, I tell ya.

He kissed me on the cheek – probably because my red lips scared him – and opened the passenger door for me. The gala was held at a hotel not far from my apartment, in the ballroom on the 80th floor. There was a stage in the back of the room then a ton of circular tables with black tablecloths on them and rose centerpieces. Everyone was walking around the back half of the ballroom mingling and there were waiters running around with what looked like trays of champagne. I immediately snagged one from a passing waiter.

“Well, this is nice,” I said, sipping my champs. 

“Yeah, the hospital does it every year. It’s proven to be quite successful, I believe last year we were able to bring in almost $100,000 for the hospital,” Brady said.

“That’s amazing.” My champagne flute was now empty. Luckily there was a waiter nearby and I grabbed another one.

“How is it physically possible to not get lipstick all over the glass?” Brady asked.

I smiled and started to say, “Magic,” but a blonde girl was rapidly approaching us.

“Hi, Brady!” she sang loudly and threw her arms around him.

When they pulled apart, Brady said, “Reese, this is-”

And before he could finish his sentence, Blondie said, “Jessica,” and stuck out her hand for me to shake. I shook her hand like a professional adult and she gave me one of those limp princess handshakes.

I gave Jessica the once over. She stood at about Brady’s height so she was a few inches taller than me. She wore a cobalt blue midi dress that hugged her curves perfectly without being too Kim Kardash and dainty nude colored heels. I didn’t see her stop smiling once, but it was almost a condescending smile. I couldn’t put my finger on it. She looked like your stereotypical contestant on The Bachelor. I automatically hated her. 

“Jessica is one of the nurses at the hospital,” Brady explained.

“We do our rounds together sometimes,” Jessica continued.

“That’s fascinating,” I murmured.

“Wow Brady, I had no idea you had a girlfriend,” Jessica said with her smile still plastered on her face.

I quickly brought the champagne flute to my lips.

“Ummm…” Brady started and paused for an unnaturally long time. I couldn’t wait to see how he was going to handle this. I felt a smile tugging at the corner of my mouth. 

“Yeah,” Brady finally uttered. 

“Nice meeting you,” Jessica said to me then grabbed Brady’s forearm. “Come find me later.”

“She was nice,” I said once she walked away. I sensed something between Brady and Jessica and I wanted the deets.

Brady didn’t give anything away. He just said, “She is. It is nice to have someone to talk to at work.”

I met Brady’s immediate boss, his boss’s boss and other important people from the hospital. It seemed like the champagne was never ending and it got to the point where the servers were handing me full glasses. Lol thanks. 

There was dinner and some speakers which was boring. I kept rubbing Brady’s leg with my foot and he would glance over smiling, but looking confused. Ugh, hasn’t he ever heard of playing footsie? After dinner, a live band starting playing so people could dance. I was drunk but not drunk enough to dance. I did however want to get out of there to hook up with Brady. I was horny and he looked so damn hot in that suit.

I waited while he stood talking to some coworkers and discreetly took some pictures for SnapChat. Finally, Brady turned to me and said he was getting tired.

“Me too,” I said with a smirk, hoping he caught my drift.

He said goodbye to everyone (including Jessica who insisted they hug again).

“So nice meeting you!” she smiled big at me, but I couldn’t help being annoyed with her.

Out in the hallway leading to the lobby, Brady stopped to use the restroom. I waited outside the door and texted Kendra that I planned on hooking up with Brady tonight. And then I got a brilliant idea.

As soon as I heard the bathroom door open, I pushed Brady back in and locked the door behind me.

“Wha-” he started, but I started kissing him. I wanted to hook up with him – now – in the bathroom. It would be so scandalous and risky. It was the perfect setting for our first time.

He tried to say something again, but I kissed him harder and pushed his suit jacket off so it was hanging off his arms. Brady was rigid, but he was returning my kiss so I thought he was into it. I made my way down to his belt and started undoing it. He started trying to push me away, but he was being way too gentle for Drunk Reese. 

“Reese,” Brady said, pulling away. He was pinned against the sink so he couldn’t go anywhere.

“Let’s have sex,” I said with a sneaky smile.

“Reese, no,” Brady said, pushing my hands away from his pants. I took this opportunity to try to get his suit jacket the rest of the way off.

“Live a little,” I continued on.

Every time I would try to take off a piece of his clothing he would say stop very nicely which obviously doesn’t mean anything to Drunk Reese. Finally, he grabbed both of my wrists and roughly yanked them down in front of me. 

“Reese, stop!” he said in a loud stern voice. The usual Drunk Reese wouldn’t have liked being almost-yelled at, but I was actually turned on by his assertiveness. I broke into a sly smile. Okay. We could wait until we got to his house. 

We filed out of the bathroom and rode in silence to his place. He was obviously annoyed with me, but at least he didn’t immediately take me home, I reasoned with myself. 

We got to his room and he went into the attached bathroom while I took off my dress and bra and changed into one of his t-shirts. I really need to start packing clothes in my purse (although I’m not sure they would’ve fit in my clutch last night).

I sat at the foot of the bed waiting for him to come out from the bathroom. I was thinking he would probably want to go to sleep right away since he seemed to be irritated with me.

Brady finally came out of the bathroom – he had taken off everything except his undershirt and slacks. I couldn’t read the look on his face. We made eye contact and he watched me while he crossed the bedroom and slowly made a beeline for me. It was an intense moment, almost creepy, and I thought he was going to kill me or something. I gave him my most innocent smile hoping he would spare my life. 

He stopped in front of me and kneeled down. I was confused and scared because I don’t know what Brady is capable of. And then he slid off my thong and put one of my legs over his shoulder. I had no choice but lean back on the bed and before I knew it, he was eating my vagina so good that I couldn’t see straight. I mean, this man knew exactly what he was doing. It wasn’t like he was just licking and sucking aimlessly, he had perfected the art of eating pussy. I’ve heard that when you enjoy performing oral your partner can tell, and I could definitely tell he was enjoying making me squirm like that.

I came in under ten minutes which I don’t think has ever happened before. I don’t know what I did to deserve that but I wasn’t complaining. Brady stood up and looked at me. I thought for sure this was it. We were finally going to have sex and I couldn’t fucking wait. If he could do that with his mouth, imagine what else he could do. 

He walked away and started getting undressed and I mentally prepared myself for what was about to happen. I watched Brady take off his shirt and change into a pair of shorts. Then he walked back to the bed and started pulling the comforter and sheets back.

“Come on, let’s go to bed,” he said. It was the first time either of us had said anything for at least half an hour.

So we weren’t hooking up? I nodded and crawled under the blankets. Brady climbed in after me and we laid there looking at each other. I kissed him lightly. 

“Hey,” Brady said, putting a hand on my hip. “Was what Jessica said weird?”

At first I didn’t know what he was referring to and almost told him that Jessica is weird all around. And then I remembered her “girlfriend” comment.

“No,” I said. “Not at all.”

“Okay.”

Brady pulled me closer and that was it. Was that our DTR? Do I have a boyfriend? 

We woke up and had cereal then watched tv for a little while. I couldn’t stop thinking about the night before and how much I had underestimated him. How could Anna ever let him go? I want to marry him and we still haven’t even had intercourse yet.

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sleep. fuck. eat. repeat.

On Saturday morning I woke up at Eric’s and we had sex, took a shower, had sex again, watched the end of The Dark Knight, ate half a bag of pretzels, and tried to have sex again. He invited me to grab food, but I realized all I had for clothing was my leather dress i.e. not daytime appropriate so he took me home. We made plans to do dinner on Sunday evening, but he canceled because his parents were in town. Cute.

I ended up going to Kendra’s for dinner because she made chicken carbonara. John was already there and then Preston and Carly joined us. We all sat around Kendra’s little drop leaf table with all of the food and drinks in the middle. It’s so cute how Kendra is working on being domestic. She’s going to be a great wife.

“What did you do last night, Pres? Your snaps were weird,” I asked. Preston had sent me a series of random SnapChats on Saturday night while I was deep conditioning my hair. Some were of his shirtless body, the floor, and random objects in a house. I texted him to see if everything was okay and he said he had no idea where he was. Obviously he was inebriated.

“Oh girl,” Preston said, dramatically. He took a sip of his water for effect. “Do you guys remember Shawn, from Grindr? The one with the foot long dick?”

“How could we forget?” I said.

Preston had exchanged pictures with a hot black guy from the app and he was so appalled by the sheer massiveness of the guy’s penis that he showed all of us. It was terrifying.

“Well, we hung out last night and he got me really drunk off Fireball. We ended up at this party in the suburbs and we went to one of the rooms in the house to have sex,” Preston continued.

“Oh Preston,” Kendra sighed, even though he hadn’t gotten to the climax (pun?) of the story.

“You guys know that I bottom when I’m drunk, right? Do you know where this story is going?”

“Oh no,” Carly said, ominously.

“His penis was so big that I ended up bleeding all over the bed! All over the people’s white sheets! I was mortified!”

I screamed.

“OH MY GOD, I WOULD HAVE DIED!” Carly exclaimed.

“I wanted to. Like, I’ve never bled before. I felt bad for bleeding on those people’s sheets.”

“What did Shawn say?” Kendra asked.

“He said it’s happened to him before. I mean, obviously. His dick is the size of a summer sausage.”

We all giggled, except John who was engrossed in his plate of pasta. I can’t believe he still lets Kendra hang out with us.

The topic switched to me and Eric and I told everyone about our fun night/morning and they seemed impressed.

“So far so good. At least you didn’t threaten to kill him after sex which is a start,” Kendra said.

That only happened once. It was right after I wrecked my Mercedes and I was in a dark place.

John finally excused himself and went home after that and then Carly told us about a guy she’s been hanging out with. If anyone has worse luck with guys than me, it’s Carly. Within the last six months she’s dated a man who was married with a pregnant wife, a felon (extortion), and a homeless guy. She’s such a sweet girl too. She’s a cute little blonde former sorority girl who works as a nanny slash personal assistant for a wealthy family in the suburbs. She parties like Tara Reid in the 2000s, but that doesn’t mean she isn’t a good person.

After dinner, Eric texted me and invited me to spend the night so I went home and packed a little overnight bag. We watched reruns of Chopped, fucked, and snuggled until we passed out.

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