i’m expecting jiff under the christmas tree.

Kendra and I made up on Friday. Well, she texted me a picture of a gold sequin dress she’d seen online and asked if she could wear it for New Year’s Eve. I guess that meant she wasn’t mad anymore.

I replied, “Yes, it’ll look perfect with your DSquared booties and your hair up.”

So we are officially back on.

I talked to Diana on Friday afternoon and she told me that she had someone in mind to replace me. She wanted me to meet the girl and sit in on the interview on Monday. Since apparently I’m an interview expert now I said sure. 

After work I met with Preston for dinner. He was craving Chick-fil-a which is (amazing) disgusting, but after what he’s been going through, I figured he deserved it. We got our food and took it to my apartment so we wouldn’t be caught eating it in public. 

“How are you feeling?” I asked as we sat our sandwiches, nuggets, waffle fries, and milkshakes on the counter.

“Honestly, I’m fucking pissed. But on the bright side, I’m back on Grindr and I’m hanging out with this guy later. I kind of missed it.”

He proceeded to tell me about how he’d met up with a Grindr date on Thursday night and they got a hotel room. Preston totally planned on having rebound sex, but he got too drunk and passed out. Story of my life. 

Brady worked late on Friday night, like really late: until almost 11:00. He texted me when he got off, but didn’t make any attempts to hang out so I figured he was probably tired.

On Saturday morning, Brady told me to come over because he missed me which is so cute. When I got there we had breakfast, hooked up, got dressed, went to Bloomingdale’s, went to the grocery store, came home, napped, made dinner then turned on a movie. We’re like a little married couple already.

Chris was home and the two of them decided to smoke. But instead of pulling the big bong out, they had this little glass pipe thing. I was watching curiously because I’ve never seen one before and Brady tried to pass it to me. I shook my head.

After they finished smoking, they sat on the couch, stoned. I was sitting in the middle of them while they talked about gas prices and the economy or something lame. And then suddenly, right in the middle of their conversation, Brady stopped talking and pulled me on his lap and started kissing my neck. I giggled and pushed him away since Chris was right there.

Brady looked up at me with half-open, red stoner eyes. I kissed him quickly and tried to get up but he grabbed my waist and held me down.

“Brady.” I said his name like I was a fed up high school teacher.

He smirked at me while he stuck his hand up my shirt and squeezed one of my boobs. And then he pinched my nipple and I felt my vagina pulsate. Probably time to end this.

I jumped up and scurried off but before I could get too far Brady slapped my ass, hard.

“Isn’t she so hot?” I heard him ask Chris as I turned down the hallway.

Hot? Whatever. I’m way more than hot. I hope Chris defended me. 

I went to Brady’s room and got on Facebook/Instagram/SnapChat/rubbed the sore hand print on my ass. I was looking at puppies (have you seen Jiff the Pom?! Need.) when Brady walked in.

“You hurt me,” I told him.

I was laying on my tummy across the bed and didn’t move from my spot. 

“I’m sorry,” I heard him say as he came behind me. He rubbed my ass softly and then he pulled down my shorts and kissed the tender spot he slapped.

I flipped over slightly and shoved a picture of Jiff in his face. “Can we get a dog?”

Brady stared at Jiff for about fifteen seconds before saying, “That is a genetically modified dog.”

“No he isn’t,” I scoffed. “He’s just really well groomed. Can we get one? It’ll be our first taste of parenthood.”

Brady laughed and said okay. So I’m expecting Jiff under the tree on Christmas.

On Sunday morning, I woke up before Brady and decided to make breakfast. I put some bacon in the oven and then pulled the eggs out of the refrigerator. I noticed the little black pipe thing sitting on the counter and couldn’t help picking it up. I don’t know why I was so intrigued by it.

I was examining the bowl part with the weed remnants in it when I thought I kind of heard something in the hallway and when I looked up Brady was walking into the kitchen. Apparently he scared me and I dropped the pipe on the tile floor. It shattered. Oops.

“What are you doing?” Brady asked and for a second, I thought he was pissed. But then he smiled and walked into the kitchen only wearing a pair of sweatpants.

“I’m making breakfast,” I said sweetly. I couldn’t help throwing my arms around him and kissing him because he’s just so adorable. “Your pipe thingy fell off the counter and broke.”

I pointed to the glass all over the floor. Brady looked down at the mess and looked back at me. And then he grabbed my hips and pulled me close to him so I could feel that he was hard. I grabbed his dick and started stroking it, considering giving him head in the kitchen.

I was about to pull it out when we heard Chris down the hall say, “Smells like bacon!”

We quickly pulled apart and Brady busied himself cleaning up the glass while I continued working on breakfast. Y’all will be proud to know that I made a delicious breakfast without burning anything (except two pieces of toast which doesn’t count).

By the way, thanks for all the comments on my last post! I was honestly hesitant to post it because I was so embarrassed/horrified about the outcome of what I did. None of you made me feel any worse about it so thanks! Some people are saying I should show him the message, but I deleted our message thread on Facebook and I don’t think I can get it back. I’m not sure if I should show him anyway because neither of us has talked about what happened since Thursday night. Do I really need to bring it back up? And how do I do that without pissing him off all over again? (I know, I know, we suck at communicating)

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i felt like i was babysitting.

I knew Kendra would be delicate and fragile so I was constantly checking in on her. I planned on taking dinner and wine to her apartment on Thursday evening, but she insisted we go to happy hour. I met her at a lowkey spot near her office and by the time I got there she was halfway done with her grande margarita.

“Hi, hun,” I said gently. “How are you doing?”

“I’m fine, Reese,” she said like I was being completely ridiculous.

“You are?” I gave her a skeptical look. “Have you talked to John?” 

“He came to get his things last night and we talked a little bit. He’s staying with his sister. He’s called me a few times today, but I haven’t picked up. I don’t want to talk to him.”

“Good. You’re way too good for that weird ass loser,” I said.

“Do you want a margarita? I’m going to order another one,” Kendra said, changing the subject.

I let her ramble on about work, her parents, her hair and anything else she could think of that wasn’t John. We talked about Halloween and even though I had a costume and plans, I told Kendra that I would stay home with her.

She waved me off. “I’m fine. I’ll still go out. I already have my costume so I might as well.”

I guess we really didn’t have set in stone plans – Brady and Chris’s friend was having a house party, Chris’s alma mater was having a party, Preston wanted to go to a costume contest at a gay club and I just wanted to drink.

Brady and I did end up doing coordinating costumes: a roaring 20’s couple, kind of Daisy and Jay inspired. I know it’s so last year, but I literally couldn’t think of anything. Plus I’ve been eyeing this amazing Art Deco inspired dress and wanted an excuse to buy it. I wore it with strands of pearls, an amazing intricate headpiece I had expedited from Etsy and my nude Rockstuds (if Daisy had the opportunity to get Rockstuds, she definitely would).

I picked Brady’s “costume” out myself too: black slacks, white dress shirt, suspenders, and a bow tie. The only thing I had to buy was the cool two tone hat. I’m not sure if his costume was accurate for that era, but he looked so fucking hot that I didn’t care.

The weather was absolutely disgusting on Friday so we all met at Brady and Chris’s and took an Uber to one of the parties. The place was decorated like a haunted house with spider webs and mirrors and red lights and shit. It was awful and that plus being miserably cold, I needed to be drunk ASAP.

The bartender was making all these ridiculous Halloween themed drinks like “Candy Corntini” and “Spiked Witch’s Brew Punch.” It was really quite childish (although that punch was delicious). We stayed there for a little while and drank and danced. I was happy to see that Kendra seemed to be having a good time and was even dancing with us. She hardly ever dances anymore. Maybe her and John breaking up isn’t so bad. 

After a while, we decided to head to the gay club so Preston and Dillon could enter the costume contest. Their costumes were pretty risqué I thought, but everyone there was practically naked. Brady and Chris only lasted half an hour before they were tired of seeing dicks everywhere and told us they would meet us at the bar.

Preston and Dillon didn’t win, but a zombie stripper did. His costume was really cool so I get it. We took a ton of pictures with everyone then headed down to the bar. We found Brady and Chris standing at the bar with four girls who looked like they were dressed as the Pussycat Dolls. Naturally, I was irritated and wanted to a. let them know that their costumes were tacky and overdone and b. tell them to stay their asses away from my man.

But Carly bounded over and introduced herself to the skanks and didn’t act confrontational at all. I need to be more like that. If Carly didn’t feel threatened and insecure then why should I? Plus, aren’t I supposed to be trying to be less jealous?

Carly continued talking to the girls and learned that one of them is from close to her hometown and they have some of the same friends. I tried to stand there being friendly for a while until I finally got bored. I grabbed Brady’s hand and pulled him into a corner for some couples time. Sometimes when we’re drunk, Brady and I like to have meaningful conversations about life/our future. We were in the middle of a deep discussion about where we thought would be the best place to raise our children when I felt someone grab my ass. It was Kendra.

“Hey lover,” I said, putting my arm around her. Then I turned back to Brady. “We can get so much more for our money in Texas. I just don’t see myself living in Chicago with children.”

For whatever reason, Brady just isn’t into the idea of moving to Texas and wants to stay in Chicago or move back to Massachusetts. Personally, if I’m going to have a bunch of little brats running around then I want a huge house where I can hide from them if I need to. Everyone knows everything is bigger in Texas especially the homes.

“And I don’t see myself living in Texas ever,” Brady said.

I scoffed, offended. “Why? You’ve never lived there. It’s a wonderful place to live and grow up!”

“I don’t think living in the northeast would be that bad,” Kendra spoke up. “I lived summers in Boston and New York City and it was really nice. You could get a nice charming house in the suburbs.”

I glared at her. “You lived there in the summer. Meaning you didn’t witness how it is in the winter. I bet it’s cold and miserable!”

“It can’t be any worse than Chicago,” Kendra pointed out.

“Chicago isn’t an option! That’s why I’m saying we should move to Texas!” I shouted.

Obviously we resolved nothing and the night started winding down a little bit later. The five of us climbed into a cab and I completely intended on dropping Kendra off at home then going home with Brady.

But Kendra said, “Reese, I’ll just spend the night with you.”

Ugh. And with everything going on with her I obviously couldn’t object so the cab dropped us off first. I have never been so sad to say goodbye to my boyf. We got up to my apartment and ripped our costumes off and heated up some pizza rolls. It was literally just like we were back in college.

Kendra confessed that she’d had so much fun and didn’t think about John at all until it was time to go home.

“You’re handling this surprisingly well,” I told her. “I know you’re strong and everything, but you and John were together forever.”

She shrugged. “I guess he really didn’t mean that much to me.”

I don’t know if I believe her.

On Saturday, Kendra and I hung out around my apartment for a few hours then we went to lunch, went shopping, got our nails and eyebrows done, then got Jamba Juice. I felt like I was babysitting.

Finally she said she had some work to do so she went home. Then I passed out on my couch for three hours. I woke up because Brady called and invited me to dinner. He said he would pick me up in thirty minutes so I got up and took a fifteen minute shower then put on black leggings, a huge cable knit sweater and riding boots. And then I spent almost forty minutes doing my hair and makeup. Oops.

After dinner, Brady and I went to his place and chilled for the rest of the night. We slept in on Sunday and laid in bed for a while. We were just laying there talking when Brady suddenly looked at his phone and said, “What the fuck?”

“Hmm?” I wondered.

He was quiet for a moment then turned his phone to show me. On the screen was what looked like a zombie bride and groom complete with a veil, bouquet and blood everywhere. There was so much face makeup and blood that the people were unrecognizable. 

“Hunter got married,” Brady explained after seeing my confused face.

Ohhhh.

“On Halloween,” Brady went on.

I gasped probably a little too dramatically. “That’s what they wore?”

“Yeah.”

“Do you know who the girl is?” I asked, even though clearly he had no idea.

Brady shook his head. “Hunter never mentioned even dating anyone. So I’m really shocked right now.”

“So he got married and didn’t warn anyone? He eloped?” I clarified.

“It seems. I wonder what my mom thinks about this,” he said.

I imagined the face Brady’s mom made when she found out Hunter eloped and the fact that they’d dressed as zombies. I couldn’t help bursting into laughter. She probably shit an entire brick. Brady got out of bed and said he was going to the kitchen to call his mom.

He was on the phone for literally one hour. When Brady came back in his room he said, “Well my parents know. So it must be official?”

“Oh my gosh, were they soo pissed?” I asked, eating all this drama up.

“My mom seems to be taking it well. She is just upset that she hasn’t met the new…wife.”

I nodded. “Mmhm.”

“But my dad is having a party in Boston next weekend and they are both going. Everyone will get to meet her then.”

And then Brady said that his mom wants me and him to go. Me! So maybe she doesn’t hate me? Anyways, I obviously said I would love to go and am already using that as an excuse to buy a new outfit. I can’t wait to see how this is going to play out!

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bad news and good news.

On Wednesday morning I had an appointment with my gynecologist for my yearly checkup. I was actually anxious to know if 1. I was pregnant and 2. If I had contracted any stids. I wasn’t worried about any of that until I talked to Kendra. She has a way of making you think the worst about your situation.

“Have you gotten your period?” she asked me on Tuesday night.

“Kendra, I haven’t gotten my period in a year,” I rolled my eyes. She knows that.

“First of all, I don’t think that’s normal. Ask your doctor about that tomorrow,” she said. 

I rolled my eyes again.

“Second of all, if you don’t get a period, how do you know if you’re pregnant or not? Isn’t that scary?”

I actually haven’t had a pregnancy scare since going on birth control so I didn’t really have an answer to that. I guess I rely on the 99.9% effectiveness.

My gyno, Dr. Stringer, is a lanky flamboyant man who I would think is gay if he didn’t have photos of his wife and all his kids all over his office. After the nurse drew blood, I got naked and put on a hospital gown and waited for him in the examining room.

“Reese, darling,” he said, knocking on the door. He walked in with the nurse following him. “I was wondering when I would see you again. How have you been?”

See? What straight man says “darling?”

“I’ve been great. Thanks for seeing me on such short notice,” I said. Usually Dr. Stringer books appointments weeks and weeks out. Luckily since I’m a VIP patient (lol), I was able to get an appointment within a week. 

“Anything for you! Are we just doing your routine yearly checkup today?” he asked.

“Yes. And a pregnancy test,” I replied.

“Of course. Do you have concerns that you may be pregnant?” Dr. Stringer looked at me over the top of his glasses.

“No, I just figure we may as well make sure while I’m here.”

“Very well then.” He put his clipboard down then popped on a pair of latex gloves. “Lay back and spread them!”

The actual examine didn’t take long, but Dr. Stringer talked to me the whole time and made candid comments about my vagina which was really odd. He finally said he was all done and that he and the nurse would be back with some results in a few minutes.

While I was getting dressed, I started to seriously think about what I would do if I was pregnant. I feel like I know Brady pretty well, but not enough to have a baby with him. We would probably have to get married or at least engaged. I don’t think I’m ready for that kind of commitment. But on the bright side, at least he already owns an amazing condo and clearly has money to support his family. We would just have to evict Chris and turn his bedroom into a chic Pinterest-worthy nursery and hire a full time nanny/servant. 

By the time Dr. Stringer returned I was convinced that I was pregnant and trying to figure out how I was going to break the news to my parents. They only just found out about Brady.

“All right, Miss Reese,” Dr. Stringer said sitting on the stool in front of me. “I have bad news and I have good news.”

My heart began racing. Bad news and good news? Bad: I was pregnant, good: I didn’t have the clap? Or the other way around?

“The bad news is… You’re not pregnant. The good news is… You’re not pregnant!” Dr. Stringer exclaimed. It took me a moment to process what he said.

“Dr. Stringer!” I groaned. “Don’t freak me out like that!”

He chuckled. “All of your tests came back negative with the exception of a couple that will take a few days to process. If you don’t hear from us within a week then everything is good.”

So there went my dreams of a fabulous nursery with a chandelier imported from Spain. Oh well. I’ve been drinking and smoking so it’s probably for the best. 

After I left the doctor, I celebrated by getting froyo (with gummy bears and sprinkles #yolo) then going to the office. To be honest, I haven’t done much work at all the past week or so, so I figured I should probably get at least something done.

Except I spent the day avoiding Whitney’s emails and pinning pumpkin recipes. After work, I stopped by the boutique Preston works in to pick up a few items. Preston basically had me try on everything in the store until we decided on a dress, a sheer top, and a pair of leather leggings. 

After that I met Kendra for sushi. I was so excited to tell her that I’m not pregnant AND I don’t have STDs.

“So hopefully this is a lesson learned,” she said smugly after I shared the news.

“Well now that we are both STD free, I think we can continue what we were doing,” I said.

“Why would you do that? He could be doing the same thing with ten other women,” Kendra said, looking appalled.

“No he couldn’t. He’s not some player, Kendra. He’s my boyfriend.”

“Okay well do what you want. I’ve given up trying to give you advice. You always do whatever the fuck you want anyway.”

So that was the end of that. I love Kendra to death, but she’s just so judgmental. She always has to object to every single thing I do. She doesn’t understand that everyone’s life isn’t exactly like hers. It’s her way or you’re wrong/stupid. It’s draining. Additionally, how can she lecture me on something she and John do and have done for years? And by the way, I can’t believe we’re arguing about condoms. Ugh.

I went to Brady’s after sushi and immediately ran into Chris. I haven’t seen him since he walked in on me and Brady having sex and I was actually really not embarrassed. Oh well if he might’ve gotten a peek at my goodies. At least he got a nice show. 

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