bad news and good news.

On Wednesday morning I had an appointment with my gynecologist for my yearly checkup. I was actually anxious to know if 1. I was pregnant and 2. If I had contracted any stids. I wasn’t worried about any of that until I talked to Kendra. She has a way of making you think the worst about your situation.

“Have you gotten your period?” she asked me on Tuesday night.

“Kendra, I haven’t gotten my period in a year,” I rolled my eyes. She knows that.

“First of all, I don’t think that’s normal. Ask your doctor about that tomorrow,” she said. 

I rolled my eyes again.

“Second of all, if you don’t get a period, how do you know if you’re pregnant or not? Isn’t that scary?”

I actually haven’t had a pregnancy scare since going on birth control so I didn’t really have an answer to that. I guess I rely on the 99.9% effectiveness.

My gyno, Dr. Stringer, is a lanky flamboyant man who I would think is gay if he didn’t have photos of his wife and all his kids all over his office. After the nurse drew blood, I got naked and put on a hospital gown and waited for him in the examining room.

“Reese, darling,” he said, knocking on the door. He walked in with the nurse following him. “I was wondering when I would see you again. How have you been?”

See? What straight man says “darling?”

“I’ve been great. Thanks for seeing me on such short notice,” I said. Usually Dr. Stringer books appointments weeks and weeks out. Luckily since I’m a VIP patient (lol), I was able to get an appointment within a week. 

“Anything for you! Are we just doing your routine yearly checkup today?” he asked.

“Yes. And a pregnancy test,” I replied.

“Of course. Do you have concerns that you may be pregnant?” Dr. Stringer looked at me over the top of his glasses.

“No, I just figure we may as well make sure while I’m here.”

“Very well then.” He put his clipboard down then popped on a pair of latex gloves. “Lay back and spread them!”

The actual examine didn’t take long, but Dr. Stringer talked to me the whole time and made candid comments about my vagina which was really odd. He finally said he was all done and that he and the nurse would be back with some results in a few minutes.

While I was getting dressed, I started to seriously think about what I would do if I was pregnant. I feel like I know Brady pretty well, but not enough to have a baby with him. We would probably have to get married or at least engaged. I don’t think I’m ready for that kind of commitment. But on the bright side, at least he already owns an amazing condo and clearly has money to support his family. We would just have to evict Chris and turn his bedroom into a chic Pinterest-worthy nursery and hire a full time nanny/servant. 

By the time Dr. Stringer returned I was convinced that I was pregnant and trying to figure out how I was going to break the news to my parents. They only just found out about Brady.

“All right, Miss Reese,” Dr. Stringer said sitting on the stool in front of me. “I have bad news and I have good news.”

My heart began racing. Bad news and good news? Bad: I was pregnant, good: I didn’t have the clap? Or the other way around?

“The bad news is… You’re not pregnant. The good news is… You’re not pregnant!” Dr. Stringer exclaimed. It took me a moment to process what he said.

“Dr. Stringer!” I groaned. “Don’t freak me out like that!”

He chuckled. “All of your tests came back negative with the exception of a couple that will take a few days to process. If you don’t hear from us within a week then everything is good.”

So there went my dreams of a fabulous nursery with a chandelier imported from Spain. Oh well. I’ve been drinking and smoking so it’s probably for the best. 

After I left the doctor, I celebrated by getting froyo (with gummy bears and sprinkles #yolo) then going to the office. To be honest, I haven’t done much work at all the past week or so, so I figured I should probably get at least something done.

Except I spent the day avoiding Whitney’s emails and pinning pumpkin recipes. After work, I stopped by the boutique Preston works in to pick up a few items. Preston basically had me try on everything in the store until we decided on a dress, a sheer top, and a pair of leather leggings. 

After that I met Kendra for sushi. I was so excited to tell her that I’m not pregnant AND I don’t have STDs.

“So hopefully this is a lesson learned,” she said smugly after I shared the news.

“Well now that we are both STD free, I think we can continue what we were doing,” I said.

“Why would you do that? He could be doing the same thing with ten other women,” Kendra said, looking appalled.

“No he couldn’t. He’s not some player, Kendra. He’s my boyfriend.”

“Okay well do what you want. I’ve given up trying to give you advice. You always do whatever the fuck you want anyway.”

So that was the end of that. I love Kendra to death, but she’s just so judgmental. She always has to object to every single thing I do. She doesn’t understand that everyone’s life isn’t exactly like hers. It’s her way or you’re wrong/stupid. It’s draining. Additionally, how can she lecture me on something she and John do and have done for years? And by the way, I can’t believe we’re arguing about condoms. Ugh.

I went to Brady’s after sushi and immediately ran into Chris. I haven’t seen him since he walked in on me and Brady having sex and I was actually really not embarrassed. Oh well if he might’ve gotten a peek at my goodies. At least he got a nice show. 

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you need a massage.

I was having so much fun hanging out with Brady that I forgot that during the week he works twelve to fourteen hours a day and is exhausted by the time he gets off. He has such a large workload that he can’t text a lot either. I needed a distraction and all of my usual friends were busy (Kendra with her new position at work, Preston with Mr. Murphy and Carly with Chris) so I had dinner and drinks with my college friend, Derrick, on Monday night.

This is going to sound weird, but I can’t really be friends with guys (straight guys anyway. I love my gays). Whenever I’ve had a guy friend, we started off fine as friends then end up hooking up or one of us starts getting feelings for the other. I think it’s because I don’t know how to talk to guys without being flirty. [does anyone else have this problem?]

Derrick had a big crush on me our sophomore year of college and I used to flirt with him just because I thought it was fun(ny). We ended up getting drunk and fooling around then ultimately decided we were better as friends. Obviously. He became one of my favorite drinking buddies though.

We met for sushi. He works in advertising here in the city so we talked about work a lot. We also talked about our college friends, most of whom I haven’t seen since we graduated so there was a lot to talk about. Derrick is one of those people you can not see for years but feel like no time has passed. He kind of gives off a Jake Gyllenhaal vibe, but cuter. 

“You’ve really grown up a lot since college. It’s crazy, you used to be such a party girl and now you’re a mature woman,” Derrick said once the night was winding down.

“Well, that was over two years ago,” I pointed out. “And don’t call say ‘mature woman.’ Makes me sounds like a grandma.”

“Stop that. You don’t look like a grandma. In fact, I think you’ve grown into your looks.”

I swatted him in the chest playfully. “Don’t be mean!”

“I’m not. You look great, honestly.”

He insisted on paying for everything then we headed outside.

“Let’s do this again, Reese,” Derrick said once we got outside. He put an arm around me and leaned down to kiss me, but I quickly turned my head so he caught my cheek/ear.

“Yeah, whatever,” I said.

We agreed that we would hang out again soon. I hope Derrick isn’t going to try this again because I’m not interested in him romantically whatsoever.

I left work early on Tuesday so I could meet Preston at Barney’s to look at dresses. We ended up spending two and a half hours in the dress department, trying on every single thing. The salesgirl kept trying to help us (probably to prevent the huge mess we would leave), but Preston told her that I’m an actress and he’s my personal stylist so we had it under control. She stopped bothering us luckily, but I didn’t even pick anything out. 

We went back to my apartment afterwards and started watching reruns of Chopped. I got a text from Brady around 7:30 saying that he had just gotten off and did I want to meet up. I didn’t even blink before responding, “Sure. You can come over.”

“Preston, I’m going to have to ask you to leave. Brady’s coming over,” I said, getting up.

“Pardon me?” he gasped. “You’re kicking me out?”

“Yes. Doesn’t Mr. Murphy have a day trip to Jamaica or something planned?”

“No, but we’re probably going to have a ton of wild sex though. Jelly?”

I was jelly. I can’t wait for the day when Brady and I can have a ton of wild sex (is he even into wild sex? I bet he isn’t).

As soon as Preston left, I tidied up a bit. I threw out the copies of Cosmo I had on my coffee table and replaced them with an old marketing textbook from college, a leadership book I had to read for work and the Fifty Shades trilogy (the books are awful, but they’re all I had on hand and I wanted to show Brady that I actually read). 

When he got to my apartment I buzzed him in and waited for him to knock. A few minutes later there was a light, almost timid knock on the door. Of course Brady would knock shyly. I opened the door and he was standing there looking a-freaking-dorable in his dress clothes.

“Come in,” I said, opening the door wider.

Brady walked in and said, “I’ve never been up here. Pretty cool place.”

“Thanks, it’s a little small, but it works,” I said.

I showed him the kitchen, the little dining area, my bedroom, the bathroom then concluded with the living room.

“This is sufficient for one person. And I’m sure the location makes it worth it,” Brady said.

I grabbed us bottles of water and we sat on the couch talking. I asked him to tell me about work since he’s there so much. He explained having to do rounds and see all the patients, including the terminally ill ones which I think is sad. He said he has to walk a ton which is tiring and then since there are sick people the hospital is warm so he’s hot in his work clothes and lab coat all day. Poor guy. He said seeing the patients get better is worthwhile so overall he loves what he does. It made me feel like my job is pretty pointless because ultimately, who am I helping?

“You need a massage,” I told him, getting up. I gestured for him to follow me into the bedroom. “Take off your shirt and lay on the bed.”

“Wow, you mean business,” Brady said, untying his tie.

I rummaged through my closet to find some unscented lotion. Whenever I used to give my ex-boyfriend massages we would almost immediately have sex. There’s just something erotic about massages so I knew it was risky. But we were both sober and it has been long enough, so maybe tonight was the night. I wasn’t opposed to it.

Brady was laying on his back shirtless looking delectable and even though I was enjoying the view I made him flip over. I climbed on him and planted myself on his butt for optimum massage positioning. I squirted one pump of lotion in my hands, rubbed them together and lightly touched Brady’s back. He instantly relaxed.

I ran my hands along the length of his back and used my palms to apply pressure. I’ve been told that I give great massages, but honestly my little hands get tired after only a few minutes. Since it was my idea, I knew I had to last a little longer with Brady. I continued rubbing and kneading his back for a few more minutes. For a guy, Brady has unusually smooth and perfect skin. I really must find out his skin care routine.

“Better?” I asked once I felt like I had carpal tunnel.

“I feel like a new person,” Brady said. He flipped over so he was on his back and I was sitting on his crotch. My heart instantly started beating faster when I felt that he was hard.

“I’ve been told I give decent massages,” I said.

“I certainly agree with that. Where do I sign up for a once a week session?”

“Ask the receptionist when you leave.”

“Do you want to grab food or something?” Brady asked abruptly and for a moment I couldn’t tell if we were still in character.

I wasn’t particularly hungry, but I said, “Sure,” anyway.

We got up and he put his shirt back on while I changed into jeans and a top. We ended up getting froyo then we walked around my neighborhood for a little while. It was a little bit chilly so after we were done with our froyo, we held hands to warm each other up. 

It started to get late and Brady said he needed to be up early for work. He said he might be able to hang out again later this week and he would let me know.

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why are you single?

I didn’t hear from Eric all day on Saturday and Preston came over that evening with a bottle of red and we split it. He told me all about his Grindr conquests of the week – which were equally as raunchy and wonderful as usual. Preston meets up with guys from Grindr and they have the wildest sexcapades you couldn’t even dream up. I’m either seriously repulsed by this or jealous – I haven’t decided yet.

“So I was in the bathroom at the gay bar having sex with the guy from Grindr while my date was waiting with our drinks. Half an hour later, I found my date and we went back to his apartment and had sex,” he told me.

“Preston, no,” I said. That didn’t even sound sanitary.

“Yes! And then the next day, I talked to this sexy Hispanic guy on Grindr and he wants me to have a threesome with him and his boyfriend. We’re doing it tomorrow.”

See what I mean? I don’t even bat a Dior Show coated eyelash at stories like this anymore.

We passed out on my linen tufted sofa and I woke up with a text from Eric.

“Good morning, Reese. Do you want to grab dinner tonight?”

Is water wet? Is Lindsay Lohan back on meth? Of course I did.

I responded, “I would love to.”

He said he was going to the game during the day but would pick me up around 6 PM. Preston and I met Kendra and Carly for brunch then I dragged Kendra to Bloomys to help me pick out an outfit. Three hours and a $600 credit card charge later, I went home with a striped Marc by Marc Jacobs dress and a Rebecca Minkoff bangle plus a Mara Hoffman bikini to wear to the pool this summer.

We went to a sushi place and Eric ordered pretty much the entire left side of the menu for us plus lychee sake which I was obviously okay with. We ate and drank and by 8:00, I was over on his side of the booth – tipsy. Sake really hits me hard.

“Soooo Eric,” I said, touching his massive bicep lightly. “You’re hot, rich, and super sweet. Why are you single?”

I never claimed to be subtle.

He smiled sheepishly. “I don’t know. I guess I’m still seeing what’s out there.”

It was totally a playboy kind of answer but whatever.

“Why are you single, Reese?”

Even in my drunken state I knew that Eric didn’t need to know the ins and outs of my fucked up dating life, but I was going to tell him anyway.

“That’s a good question. I’ve either been cheated on, lied to, blown off, or left to die. I’ve had really bad luck with guys,” I said.

“Left to die?” Eric’s eyebrows shot up.

“Yes! Turns out it was just strep throat, but I really thought it was the end for me.”

He pulled me close – so close that I was almost on his lap – and planted a kiss on my cheek. “You are so adorable.”

Eric paid for dinner and took me home where we made out in his car for fifteen minutes. Just when I was about to invite him up, he pulled away and said, “All right, Reese. Have a good night,” and basically kicked me out of his car. Which honestly is probably good because I got inside and passed out.

When I told Kendra about our second date she said, “This is how it always starts. Everything is fine and perfect and  then after you have sex with him everything goes down hill.”

“Thanks a lot. So what do you think I should do? Refrain from having sex with him from a while?” I asked.

“Maybe. I don’t know. I’m sure he’s only giving you this much attention because he knows you want to fuck him,” she said.

Which isn’t true. If Eric just wanted to sleep me with then he would’ve. There have been plenty of opportunities. I think he might just be a really sweet guy.

I haven’t talked to him since our date which is okay because I’m sure he’s super busy like I am.

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